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Sex=Babies?? Traumatized dh

post #1 of 35
Thread Starter 
I really didnt get how badly(very sad by this) affected my dh is about my pregnancy 5 years ago. Maybe thats not it, but I am at a loss...

He loves our son and is a great dad-too many hours on WOW, but that belongs in the other thread . He works hard ( I work PT) but we are stressed and strapped financially. Sex is way too infrequent for my liking, and he just seems not interested.
Well, last night after trying again after a dry spell (YK what I mean?) he stops himself cause he says he got to thinking too much and dosent want another baby. Ok, Hun, I say, I am barely over my period so it is HIGHLY IMPROBABLE I will get preggers, besides we usually( hah!) pull and pray.
But this statement of his hits me harder than I expected. Im hurt. I would have liked another child. Whenever. He is clear where he stands and it effects his/mine sex life. Is this why I dont get it from him as often as I want? Because sex=babies? He has this mental block. He needs therapy right? I dont know, I guess we should both go? What can I say- Now its like no hope for great sex and no hope for another baby whenever that might have been.

Any Dads or Moms want to add their .02? I could use some.
post #2 of 35
Well I'm of the opinion that if both people don't want to have another baby then you shouldn't have one.
That said, I think the next step with you is letting him know that you guys are using reliable birth control whatever that may be. As we all know "pulling out" isn't effective and so I think he can be concerned if that is what you guys are counting on.
post #3 of 35
Why don't you want to use reliable birth control? Withdrawl method is not a practical solution for avoiding pregnancy. I am sure you know that people get pregnant all the time using that method and also having intercourse just after/before/during their period.

If you found some more safe and reliable birth control, your husband may not feel so inhibited about sex. I can see why he would be a bit scared to go through with the russian roulette method. In that case sex could very well (and probably will eventually) lead to pregnancy.
post #4 of 35
beachbum, we were posting at the same time and are of like minds
post #5 of 35
Well you can get on BC and see if that changes things but it could be that he just doesn't have a high sex drive.
post #6 of 35
"Pull and pray"? Why not try doing it standing up--that's about as effective.

Seriously, if he doesn't want another kid, he's not going to want to have sex unless you are using a form of birth control that he trusts and you both enjoy. For me, that excludes the condom (not very enjoyable). Are you opposed to the pill or just don't currently use it? I know it was really hard for my wife and I because she extended-breastfed and the mini-pill never worked for her. Well, I guess it worked in that it invoked the "get the hell away from me" method.

I think you should talk about kids. In a situation completely removed from a mind-affecting substance like sex. Go out to dinner (without the little one) and talk about why he doesn't want a kid and why you do. Make sure he understands you aren't baby-crazy, but that you are open to the idea at some point in the future. See if that's how he feels or if he is firm that he never wants one. Basically, get more information and then make a good decision that benefits both of you.
post #7 of 35
Thread Starter 
OK- I guess I should have added this since I didnt realize everyone would get hung up on the birth control thing.
WE have. I have been on the pill and I hate it. It has caused severe migraines for me and that was just the mini pill and I am a believer in the FAM method anyway. We have used condoms as well.

And though it wont impress anyone- the withdrawl method when used correctly only has a 4% per year failure rate.

I dont believe that me using birth control is the real issure here since he NEVER brings it up. It is a mental thing for him. Note we have had problems re: sex even when using various methods.
post #8 of 35
The sex=babies thing nearly ended my marriage. It certainly squelched our sex life. he didn't want a baby, I didn't want hormonal mirth control so he refused sex. It took me almost 10 years to get that out of him. I recommend you both go to counseling and come to some sort of agreements.

sex does indeed equal babies even with the best birth control.

Dh eventually had a vas. I was very against it but whatever. It beats me being the bad guy.
post #9 of 35
Yes, I am hung up on the pull and pray method, especially when you quote it's pregnancy rate at 4%. When a man tries to pull out before ejaculating, he usually leaves behind a small amount of fluid that leaks from the penis during sex. This fluid has enough sperm in it to cause a pregnancy.

I use to work at the on campus clinic, and the majority of unexpected pregnancies were using from using this method. The 4% is actually a very unrealistic number. 20% or higher (Planned Parenthood says 27% failure rate) is more accurate.

There are other options besides the pill or condoms--but I am sure you know that. You could visit your doctor and look into the other methods available to you. If the issue is simply that he has a lower drive--you could talk about this as others have said and communicate honestly about how many kids you want and what role sex plays in your relationship. If he used an unwanted pregnancy as his excuse the last time he pulled away, then I think that would be a good place to pick up the discussion.

Good luck
Lisa
post #10 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
sex does indeed equal babies even with the best birth control.
Thank you lilyka. I believe this to be true in our case. I told him if he is just terrified of having more kids than he should get a vas. He did not like that at all. So its not really about birth control.

Counseling seems the right course. If he will go again, this would be our second try.
I just wish we could want the same things at the same time, but that is just asking for too much I guess. WOW fills any needs he has at this point.
post #11 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisainCalifornia
Yes, I am hung up on the pull and pray method, especially when you quote it's pregnancy rate at 4%. When a man tries to pull out before ejaculating, he usually leaves behind a small amount of fluid that leaks from the penis during sex. This fluid has enough sperm in it to cause a pregnancy.
That's actually (probably) not true. The pre-ejaculate has not been found to contain any sperm. It is theoretically possible that sperm from a previous ejaculation could be washed out of the urethra with the pre-ejaculate fluids (and if the man orgasms then reinserts, that will definitely introduce sperm). It is also possible for a man to have a "mini orgasm" without intending and release some sperm-containing fluid then. But the pre-ejaculate on its own has never been found to contain sperm.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LisainCalifornia
I use to work at the on campus clinic, and the majority of unexpected pregnancies were using from using this method. The 4% is actually a very unrealistic number. 20% or higher (Planned Parenthood says 27% failure rate) is more accurate.
She was entirely accurate, because she was very specific about "perfect" usage - the rate is indeed approximately 4% at "perfect" usage. You are also entirely correct that "typical" usage results in pregnancy much more often (usually quoted at around 19%). Its numbers are actually quite similar to condoms in pregnancy rates, which are about 3% perfect and 14% typical. The difference is that coitus interruptus tends to be used perfectly less of the time, in my opinion. It is not advocated by sex educators because of the risks of disease transmission (which are quite high, because pre-ejaculate DOES have the HIV virus, I believe), and because of poor implementation, not because it's ineffective at preventing pregnancy when used ideally.

The above information was acquired from Contraceptive Technologies 17th ed published in 1998, pp 304-7
post #12 of 35

birth control

well in my opinion I don't think that this "birth control method" is fair to him if he indeed is against having another baby. We all know that NFP (not really what you are using) is not for people that absolutely don't want another one. I can see how you are hurt - both of you should seek counseling to determine when/if you should have another baby. In the meantime - buy some condoms. Your sex life will probably drastically improve if he is not so worried he will get you pregnant that he can't take his time and enjoy it.

Good luck to you!
post #13 of 35
I know you said that he is the way he is regardless of birth control, but not having an effective and enjoyable means of contraception can definately dampen things even more. I hate the pill too- won't take it- but we found that lambskin condoms work great for us- much more sensitivity than latex. From what the guys I know have told me, pulling out often dampens the orgasm- just having to think "oh god, I think I'm about to...ah! I better pull out now! even though it feels so good..." would make sex less enjoyable. Maybe using condoms will help since he doesn't have to be so conscious and can just let go.

It definately sounds like there is more to this than just lack of reliable birth control, so I think therapy would be a good idea for both of you. You mentioned that he is under stress and the financial situation isn't great- maybe he feels like he isn't providing well enough for you and even the possibility of having another baby makes him feel like he would be even less able to provide. Men seem to have a lot of their self-esteem tied up in being able to provide for their families- and playing WoW all the time might play into that- in WoW he is "in control" and wins and gains status, etc. maybe it fits his need to feel "like a man". this may not be the case at all...just a theory.

If I were you, I wouldn't even bring up that I wanted another baby until the stress level decreased and the financial situation is better. It seems like the thought just overwhelms him at this point.

I hope things get better for you.
post #14 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveChild421
I know you said that he is the way he is regardless of birth control, but not having an effective and enjoyable means of contraception can definately dampen things even more. From what the guys I know have told me, pulling out often dampens the orgasm- just having to think "oh god, I think I'm about to...ah! I better pull out now! even though it feels so good..." would make sex less enjoyable. Maybe using condoms will help since he doesn't have to be so conscious and can just let go.

:

And just had to throw in there .. while I would never tout withdrawl as a reliable form of bc for everyone, it did work for us for seven years . As soon as we stopped and started using NFP (to avoid, though I got sloppy about it) I got pregnant shortly thereafter.

So Arwyn, what you said was interesting to me ...

(Sorry, a little OT)

To the OP, I can see why you'd be hurt by that. Dh has gone through similar feelings about more children but has gotten to the point where he's open to it and it's definitely a good feeling to know he'd do this crazy baby thing with me again . Since your dh was against a vas, it seems likely that he'd be open to it in the future ... just not now. Good luck with your decisions.
post #15 of 35
Well you're pretty spot on when saying WoW is taking care of his needs. I'm an ex-player and it's far too easy to just turn the game on and forget about everything till I'm tired enough to go to sleep. We've had our share of financial issues, and when you combine that with game addiction you really get the feeling of wanting to be left alone.

Sex for men is also more of a physical release then anything else, and don't let some psychologist try and tell you otherwise. Stress has been known to lower testosterone production which as you know will kill a mans' libido. Sounds to be like he is using the "no baby" reasoning as an excuse and feels it's easier to fall back on that then confront the truth. He's probably bored.

I know some previous posters are pro-counciling, but I'm not. Men will take something like that as a threat and will have a hard time getting down to the root of the problem. He'll go to the councelor with you but just get back onto WoW when he feels you're satified enough to be left alone.

I can tell you from experience that using POOT is stressful, and not all that enjoyable. You really need to find a different birth control method, and one which lets him feel a bit more natural. You need to get him off of WoW, and try and do some family activities that will focus him onto something other then the computer. You need to get him active and excited.
post #16 of 35
i am in the same boat....\
my dh gets so stressed about money and more children and the possiblity of M/C
( we had a lot of lost babies before we had dd adn i do tend to have difficult pregnancies....lots of puking for the whole time, really tired, and the risk of m/c always looming)
and our dd's birth was kind of hard and long....5 days...we had a beautiful homebirth, but i think he was kind of shocked...

again he too LOVES our dd....but he is scared to have another one...not ever he just says "not now, not yet"

and we do have lots of money stress.

but my point= this is life....and i want to exp joy and goodness as much as i can....

dh is so stressed he is not into it EVER

it is hard for me not to take it as rejection.

no answers, just letting me know; me too.

i have been wondering if i should start to slipping him herbs that increase testostrone (sp?) levels
post #17 of 35
My dw is the "breadwinner" and the financial/responsibility thing is a sex-destroyer for her. I had a vas and that made intimacy more likely but only once or twice in a given "month." Dunno if it's just being 39 and 40 y.o. that's making us settle for this, but hey, it is what it is.

Why am I saying this? Oh yeah, because ITA with most posters about the BC method being a factor, that therapy chosen by the mate is rarely something that the silent-stewing spouse will invest in; kinda have to do it yourself if you really need it. Dunno about WOW's factor so I defer to those with relevant experience.

Not much help, I realize, but sex is such a highly desirable activity for me and not for my dw, there's an enormous amount of issues involved, but if I had to quit halfway through.... I'd say there's way more to it than what's on the surface. But since I'm a weird guy that is touchy-feely, expresses feelings and all that and am not silent, ever, I couldn't tell ya' what you could do to coax info out of him. Some of those silent types try our patience (dw's like that...I've learned to watch her "other" signals and be a good patient person and that can mean waiting for years before she finally speaks aloud her feelings from way long time ago). I feel for both of you.

post #18 of 35
What about other methods of sex that don't lead to pregnancy?
A couple can be intimate orally, manually etc all of which would not/could not lead to pregnancy if that is indeed the issue.

I had issues with my XH. He just didn't have the drive I did and I could never be happy in a lame sex relationship. I tried talking with him many times but it just wasn't an issue for him and he didn't see how it was an issue with me.

I would try laying it all out on the table before suggesting counseling. If you can't find the words when speaking with him maybe write him a letter to tell him how much you miss him and need him and want very much to have sex with him in all forms.
Men need to feel needed and wanted.

Good luck,
Keri
post #19 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeachBum
Well I'm of the opinion that if both people don't want to have another baby then you shouldn't have one.
That said, I think the next step with you is letting him know that you guys are using reliable birth control whatever that may be. As we all know "pulling out" isn't effective and so I think he can be concerned if that is what you guys are counting on.

Statistically, pulling out is more effective than a diaphragm, but it sounds as though they're not always doing it.
post #20 of 35
To the OP, FAM is quite a bit different from withdrawal. It shouldn't be a matter of reassuring your husband that "it's right after my period, so it's not likely, even if a bit of sperm did make it inside" it should be a matter of "according to my charts I am not fertile right now so there is not even a need to pull out".

Anyway, I really hope you've had a chance to talk to him and have come up with a good solution. Odds are his sex drive'll improve when the stress level goes down.
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