First Time Mommas

[ltk]

I would love to hear from other first timers, especially when it comes to any of the following:

1) relationship with D.S
2) wanting to maintain hobbies
3) body issues (feeling like what if I never look that good again)
4) parents helping out and setting boundaries
5) people treating you different, being out of the loop

I am just thinking outloud and really want to hear from others. I just thought it would be nice to create a space for women who haven't birthed, nursed or been pregnant before.

Blessings,

L

[eorr]

Hi there,
Another first timer, here.

1.I think right now I'm most worried about how it will change my relationship with dh. We really get along wonderfully (the kind of couple that people always say - we love hanging out with you guys, we love your relationship and how you interact. . . ). Unfortunately the last few months have been rough, with me sick, and him busy with school we've experienced a lot of stress in the relationship. I hope that's not a sign of what's to come. I'm sure we'll be able to handle it (dh said yesterday that he felt we could and that it would be fun to have a "little person" around), but I'm still worried. . .

2.I'm a very active person and a bit of an over achiever. So I'm really trying to be as realistic as possible when it comes to what things will be like after May. I think I'll be able to do things, but I don't want to make too many commitments. I work many part time types of jobs, and would love to keep some of them. I just keep thinking I can do everything and still be the perfect SAHM, but deep down I know that's not possible. I'm also trying to join clubs around my area and hang out with them now so they get to know me pre-baby and are excited to welcome my little one. I'm hoping that will smooth the transition. . .

3. I was a ballet dancer without the perfect body. I worked really hard to get a good one and since I left the field I have struggled with finding good replacement exercises. I will have a VERY difficult time getting to love my body post-pregnancy, and hope to arrange some personal help in getting myself back into shape. It affects my psyche so much, that I'm really worried about it affecting my relationship with dh and little one. Hopefully I'll find the strength to stay active - I plan on baby wearing and walking around town, since we have only 1 car and I expect dh will be using it!

4. My parents live in NY, I'm in CA. So no big worries about over involvement there, but I'm feeling a little sad that I won't have my family and sisters around me. The in-laws live nearby and are VERY strong in their opinions. So it will be difficult for me to handle them - I look at it as a growing opportunity. The more I inform myself and the more confident I am in my decisions, the easier it will be to stand my ground.

5. I have all kinds of friends - with, w/o kids, married, single, etc. I get along with them no matter what they're doing, and hope it will continue. I know it will be more difficult to do some things, but I'm not too much of a bar hopper, so I'm not really concerned. I plan on trying to do as much as possible with kid in tow, as long as it's not the opera at 2 months old or something! I am a little worried about leaving work types of things, which is why I kinda want to maintain some part time work. We'll see. . .

Thanks for the post - great idea. Look forward to hearing other's thoughts!

[dshields]

Great thread!

1. Our relationship has felt so much stronger since I've been pregnant...it feels great! It has SO strengthened our bond and I think that we feel even more like best friends/partners than we did before. I told him last night that I never thought that I could love him more than I already did but it seems to grow each day...I know, gag me with a spoon!

2. I don't feel too concerned about the hobbies thing...I can't even figure out what my hobbies are, I just feel like they'll matter less to me after baby arrives.

3. While I can't believe that my body will ever return to normal at this point, I don't feel very worried about it either. I'm very thin and active and just feel like my body will bounce back. In other words, my mind is saying "no way!" and my body is saying "trust me".

4. Ok, now you've hit my sore spot. I've had quite a few blowouts with my mom over gifts that I don't want (a doll that says a PRAYER when you squeeze it! We're not even religious! UGGG) and the cd thing. She jumped down my throat when I mentioned it...saying that I could never keep up with the laundry and even saying "you're not exactly susie homemaker"! I must say though that she recently came to see my side after researching herself. It might have been my proudest moment! She then came through again when she told me that she ordered Birthing From Within and Ina May's guide for me...what?! How did my SO mainstream mom begin to understand and respect where I was coming from?! I have very little to do with MIL...so far so good but I know that her know-it-all input in the future will be irksome. She did get me the What to Expect box gift set which DH told her I would exchange...I'm not surprised about that, so few people know how crazy that book is!

5. So far I don't feel left out. I've enjoyed any special treatment that I may have received. We see a lot of music events and I've been able to go out and indulge in Shirley Temples which I LOVE. When out with friends, I think about how fun it will be when baby is in tow, and how loved this baby will be!

[alexisyael]

Good thread!

1. This has big a huge worry for me throughout the TTC process and was one of the things I worked a lot on processing during that (very stressful) time. Funny thing is, now that I'm pregnant I'm not nearly as worried about it -- he proved to me that he was supportive during the TTC process (he was my biggest ally, even when I felt beseiged by the people around me). We're both a little worried about our contrasting parenting styles (he loves sports and activities, and I am much more laid back... he's also into rewards, whereas I am starting to learn about how rewards are another aspect of "conditional" parenting, while I want to be an "unconditional parent"). But I think it'll work itself out. Our entire relationship has been about that contrast!

2. I just will. I have so many hobbies... they change periodically (I'm pretty mercurial as a person -- changeable and adaptable) but I can't imagine not doing fun, artistic type things.

3. Body issues... boy, that's a toughie for me. I had just gotten to a point where I was totally pleased with how I look. Pregnancy is a lot of fun for me, because it's changing things in a way I like, too: bigger boobs -- tho I am a little afraid they'll get too big, but right now they're awesome. Bigger bum (which I love!) Big noticeably pregnant belly... however, I'm a tad bit worried about what the rest of this pregnancy will bring and worried a little about the aftereffects. Especially on my dancing (I'm a belly dancer). Most of the time I feel OK about it, but sometimes I get worried.

4. Having an issue with this right now: both my mom and my MIL have asked to be at the birth. I can't really decide. OTOH, if they're both calm and happy, it would be a good thing. OTOH, they could both (or one) freak out and it would be BAD. And if they fly all the way out here, there would be little chance of kicking them out. Tho if I do say yes, I'm going to say I reserve the right to say no at the last minute.

The other thing is, I can't say yes to one and not the other. It's a connendrum.

Also, while my MIL is very cool, she's also pretty mainstream in some areas. So, we're getting some flack about having a homebirth. My mom is probably worried, too, but we don't talk about it. She's not the kind of mom who gives me advice (it's the opposite, in fact) but my MIL is.

5. I've always been out of the loop At least in m family... no one ever tells me anything. My mom thinks I'm telepathic, so she forgets to tell me things. Plus, with a lot of stuff, I just don't care. With my friends, I'm mostly out of the loop because we just moved.

[ltk]

Great to hear from all of you. I keep telling myself all these issues will resolve themselves, it's mind over matter and that if I loose my "groove" I will get it back!

AlexisY-I am a belly dancer too! Where do you live? I live in LA and have danced for 6 years. After a few months of severe nausea and being SO tired, I went back to class last night and felt a little out of sync! It's amazing how quickly the skills slip. I am committed to continuing the classes and will peform if anything comes my way. I do tribal stuff, mostly. I also play the cello and so I ask: how will I have time for these things I am SO passionate about!

As for moms: I am having the same issue. Who do you allow in the room? Do you spare your feelings or your moms? I think my mom will be great, but she also has a tendency to and then I get , so that isn't a good combo. My husbands mom is in India and I don't think she would expect me to invite her in. Also, both of my parents tend to be very selfish when it comes to thinking about how others feel. Lately I have just wanted to be left alone, b/c they haven't really realized that their stress can be mine. I want peace, at least where I can control it!

And as far as being an overachiever? Eorr, I totally understand! I go back and forth between really wanting to STAY HOMe with the baby, and wanting to continue to grow my career. I am into Urban Planning and could also end up teaching again. Sigh....I know I won't have the answers now!

Ultimately what this all comes down to is: I am really happy w/ this baby, but also scared of the changes it will force me to make. I am ready to make sacrifices, but I want to make sure to integrate my babe into the creative and political world I participate in. I suppose there aren't any concrete answers, and forgive me for saying this:

I want to be a good mom, but not one who cannot talk about anything else but her kids. I feel that motherhood is a blessing and a gift, but not the only gift I have been given and not my only responsibility in the world. Does that make sense? I just want to carve a path that feels balanced and integrated, even if that means being a little more tired and having to think a little harder.

looking forward to hearing your thoughts!!

[NurseLaurie]

1) relationship with D.S
-Already suffering sexually... Waiting for that 2nd trimester friskiness I keep hearing about. Emotionally we have never been better. I feel pretty confident that we will stay as tight as ever, but I guess you never know.

2) wanting to maintain hobbies
-I was a runner before I got pregnant. I was so sick for 14 weeks that I had to give it up. Now I can't go back to it until after the birth. As soon as I get the green light to resume, I'll be out pounding the ground again. I miss it! I will be a registered nurse by the time this bundle arrives. I plan to lay low for about 6-8 weeks and then work 1-2 days a week. I have a great in-home child care situation that will work out wonderfully. She will even bring the baby to me to nurse.

3) body issues (feeling like what if I never look that good again)
-Loving my bump right now. I'll love it the whole time... How I will feel about all of the loose skin later on... that remains to be seen. I'm doing all of the stuff that everyone says will not help... lotions, creams, toners...

4) parents helping out and setting boundaries
-My parents pretty much have free reign. I was raised in a non-spanking, clother diapering, breast-feeding home. My decisions will be 100% supported (with the occasional grandparent spoiling that i would let me child miss out on for the world)... DH's parents are a whole other story. She is hinting that she wants to be at the birth. I keep ignoring the hints.

5) people treating you different, being out of the loop
-We are the first ones in our tight circle to have a baby. I'm sure that everything will change. I don't even know that we will be able to be such a part of the tight circle unless these folks can accept our new scheduling issues, travel concerns and needs to avoid certain situations that we all should be well beyond by now anyway.

[alexisyael]

ltk -- cool, another pregnant tribal bellydancer! Who are you studying with in LA? (I used to live in the Inland Empire, and Tribal was pretty sparse, but then after I left, there was a Tribal explosion!) I bet we know at least some of the same people

Are you on tribe.net? That's where I do almost all my bellydancing discussion boarding.

I guess I just don't have any worries about having time for my hobbies because I have always just done what I love. And I can't imagine it being any other way. (I don't work, either, and have no interest in it, tho one day I'd like to go back to grad school... but I'm definitely not in a rush to do it!!!) Plus, I know so many bellydancing mamas

My own mama acted and danced and (then later) painted while I was growing up, in addition to being a workaholic at times, so I have a fairly good role model in maintaining some independent identity. My MIL went to grad school and got an MA and then started her own catering company, so she's another role model.

Laurie, I hope the friskiness comes your way! I'm sort of waiting for it, too... I'm feeling sensual, but not overtly sexual, if that makes any sense. Plus, I'm dog-tired by ten pm!

[mamacatsbaby]

Right on, finally got around to jumping into the first time mamas thread. Hmm, lets see,

1. Relationship with DH is fantastic. We have definitely been up, down and all about through the years. Things just seem to be really rolling along. We are so very excited about this baby. It feels like this PG is bringing us even closer together. Taking care of a sick me is quite a job and DH is being a great husband/papa. Sigh... Now, if we could just DTD more. Come on 2nd tri energy and obscenely lusty drive...

2. As far as hobbies go, I read alot, knit, listen to music, draw. I started Stephen King's 'The Shining' months ago but the nausea, exhaustian and foggy brains made quick fodder of me. I'm only about half way through. And a blanket I started knitting for my niece when she was 2 or 3 months old has fallen by the way side, half knitted, mocking me from it's corner. She is now about to be 10 months. I feel like I will pick these things up again soon, I just need some energy. I also love to cook but the smells are too much. And, uh, I can't seem to not burn things now. I just can't seem to do more than 1 or 2 things at at time and cooking requres a lot of hats. It's a good thing DH loves to cook too.

3. Hmmm, body issues. Well, I've always had issues with my body. Probably always will. No matter how thin or large I am. Luckily I have learned to recognize these things within myself. I was pretty overweight and unhealthy when I was younger and devolped a huge complex. I learned how to exercise and eat well pretty young, I guess about 19 or so, and lost tons of weight. But I yo-yo. Every couple of years I gain 20 - 40 lbs or so and this time it has stayed on longer than it has in many years. It seems that when something traumatic happens in my life depression issues get really riled up, I stop exercising and bam. This time I feel like I gained weight and did not lose it for a reason, as I lost almost 20 lbs in the first tri, so... I am actually hoping that I will look and feel even better than ever after baby comes, with BF, exercise and a will not to pass these issues on to my little one. DH and I just want to be healthy, especially with all the heart disease and other such things in our families. I know that I can't control when my time here is up but I don't want to give my body a reason to quit on me at 50 or so. But I tell ya, man oh man, I am lovin' my preggo body (so is DH. : )

4. Oh man, I so wish my Mama was here in the physical for me to lean on. There are no words to describe how much I miss her. We definitely did not always agree on everything, being so much alike I'm guessing, that woman was so freaking stubborn! And I don't really talk to my step-dad or my biological dad so... DH doesn't talk to his dad either, his Mom is moving down here in June of '06 though so that'll be good. We have gotten along well and also not gotten along too well, basic MIL stuff, i.e. "This heifer has hijacked my son!"

5. I guess I don't really feel like people in my family or my friends are really treating me differently per se, however I am pretty surprised at how they are all so quick to tell me what I should be doing, or how shocked and/or disapproving of my birth/PG/child-rearing choices they all are. I thought my sister was going to pass out or something when I told her tht DH and I would not be getting this baby circed if it is a boy. And when I started talking about extended breastfeeding (something DH and I kind of disagree about, but he'll come to my side, oh yes, he most certainly will ) tonight when I was on the phone with her I could almost feel the disdain right through the phone wires. I just don't even bring up the fact that I have been saying no to all unnecessary prenatal tests. And they all pretty much react this way! Like I am just abusing my child or something. My totally awesome good friend who introduced me to Mothering magazine in the first place, who totally understands where I'm coming from, will even try and give me unsolicited, well-meaning advice at times, even though she is not all demanding and confrontational about it like other people tend to be, even strangers.

So, all in all things are going well. I am so thrilled to be in the 1st time mama position. Into the great unknown. What other joys or calamities are you other mamas dealing with? How is being PG in the real different than what you thought it would be like? This is a good thread Itk! Much love mamas,
mamcatsbaby