Treating Children Like Circus Acts

[crunchy_mama]

Well, that is an odd way to phrase it. I am sure everyone knows what I mean though; your with a friend, an acquaitance maybe and they have a lil' one. It starts out, hey Mary "Say Cheese", Say Cheese, come on Say Cheese; don't look at the tv, Say Cheese damnit. Well, she did it all weekend, I don't knwo why she won't do it now, Say Cheese for mommy....

Then you are standing there waiting.... What is even worse is sometimes the kid gets in trouble for not "performing" for you. I don't know why but it drives me bonkers. We have some acquaintances that threaten spanking and such. I try to commiserate and say; well, mine doesn't perform on demand. Oh, kids are so finicky... Any good way to stop this and save the kid the hassle?

[Neldavi]

Ooooh, I hate that. And I think your title explains it perfectly ... it's not treating the kids as people, it's treating them as a form of entertainment. Fortunately I've never been in a situation where the kid is threatened with punishment, but it still drives me nuts .. so disrespectful. I usually try to ignore the whole thing and change the subject or just walk away .. not give an annoying dehumanizing situation any attention.

[Neldavi]

I forgot to add that dh does a mild variation on this sometimes when we're with other people. He'll say something or do something completely out of context around ds (even if ds is totally engrossed in something else) for the express purpose of getting him to do something that dh thinks is really smart. He wants to show off basically, and gets a little disappointed if ds isn't interested. It just seems so unnatural to me. I do try to cut him a little slack since I know he's just proud of his boy, but still, come on.

[philomom]

Ah, yes; "the show baby". Poor thing.

[mamawanabe]

Kids never cooperate though. "I'm not a trained monkey," I always say when my friend (who is a wonderful AP mom BTW - best mom I've even seen) tries to no avail to get her 4 year old son to tell me a certain joke he told told her earlier or to do something cute he did earlier.

But, you know, so much of socializing IS repetitative monkey acts. Think about chit-chat and even the repitition of stories between friends. You can call them circus acts or you can call them ritualized sociallizing - either way, these are the forms within which real connection happens.

I think we notice it with kids because they don't cooperate yet. When you have company gathered in the living room and you tell your partner "hey, honey, tell that story about your flight to Atlanta," s/he will. When say to your young child, "hey, sweetie, tell that joke you learned today in kindergarden" you have a good shot of hearing a "no."

[LunaMom]

That bugs me, too, but I understand where it comes from. People are so proud of their children's newly acquired skills and they just want other people to see them.

I have a video of DD when she was about 18 months, and it WOULD be adorable if it weren't for my voice (I was holding the camera) saying, "Can you sing the ABCs? Come on, sweetie, let's sing the ABCs...ABCDEFG...come on, sing, sweetie, EFG, you know what comes next, right?" I just want to yell at myself when I see that tape!

[GranoLLLy-girl]

The title of this thread is hysterical! LOL!
It immediately reminded me of my next door neighbor. She had a birthday party for her three year old that was a "Dora the Explorer" themed party. And she stated that her dd loved Dora and that she could even count to ten in Spanish (we all speak English as a first language, none of us are Latino/Spanish, etc.--so Spanish is a learned language skill) and she paraded her dd out in front of us and started coaxing her to count to ten and then started: uno, etc. to guide her.
We all just stood there and after a while it was obvious that she wasn't going to do her circus act and the mom was like: Oh well, she IS one of THE smartest kids in her daycare, and everyone knows it.
It was really awkward and weird.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it seems to speak more of the parents' feelings of perhaps being inadequate than it ever does to the "trick" that the child can perform. Which is why I think it bothers us all so much when we see parents doing it. It's that transparent. Whether the parents realize it or not, circus tricks speak volumes about how they feel about themselves as parents.

[becoming]

I really, really hate that, too. Every time someone tries to get their kid to do something (or worse, MY KID!), I say, "I am not an animal!" in that weird voice -- I think it's a line from "The Elephant Man" or something. It usually gets the point across.

[Neldavi]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl

I guess what I am trying to say is that it seems to speak more of the parents' feelings of perhaps being inadequate than it ever does to the "trick" that the child can perform. Which is why I think it bothers us all so much when we see parents doing it. It's that transparent. Whether the parents realize it or not, circus tricks speak volumes about how they feel about themselves as parents.

This is very well said ... I totally agree.

[vegaenglit]

when lucien was waving we would wave hello/goodbye just so he would learn the context of doing it. everytime some entered or left the room we would wave.

then lately he stopped (i think it took the back seat to walking) and now we still try hello/goodbye waving but if after a few times and hes just staring blankly i say (usually to strangers) "i guess he doesnt feel like performing."

and yes, i think some of the "stupid baby tricks" is parents saying "look what my kid (and by proxy my parenting) can do."

[mamaley]

Does this include having my serious 2 year old dd say "I'll be back" Schwarzenager style?

:

[shanagirl]

LunaMom--THANK YOU! I have three tapes like that from dd's early days. I just cringe when we watch them. We put the TV on mute after dd, now 8, said, "Mom, your voice is so obnoxious!"

[crunchy_mama]

I think it is natural to be proud of your kids, and to want to show them off, to a degree. However, this goes way beyond that. My sil just keeps on and on with it, it is so ackward. That has really inspired me just to let things go. When people try to get him to perform I always say, oh, he doesn't perform on demand. I think it definitely is a parenting insecurity; sil is always trying to teach her dd tricks, seemingly to compensate for treating her badly and not ever spending time with her; like it some how shows that she is an involved caring parent or something; don't know I cannot put my finger on it.

It always seems to be the same people that are pushing there kids to learn everything. My goodness my ds is only 16 m.o., we are just learning about life at this point; whenever things come up I teach him, but I am not going to spend hours going "where's your nose" just for a cheap party trick, there are many more things he would rather do...

[Allie2]

How do you feel about getting your child to do cute things at home (without an audience)? We have taught dd her animals and all the sounds they make and I have to confess I ask her what a fish says at least 10 times a day because those little fishy lips just melt my heart. I know that she knows all the sounds now but I still ask. It is a fun game for her but sometimes I'm doing it for me because it's so darn cute.

[Alkenny]

I'm guilty of doing it too, but I think it's a fine line between being proud of their accomplishments and getting mad at them when they don't cooperate. The difference is I don't step over that line.

[onlyzombiecat]

I guess I don't have a problem with the parent wanting to share what their kid can do. I think they are stupid to push it and get mad though.

[shanagirl]

...so on one of dd's tapes, I spend about five minutes to try to get dd to say her cutest words ever: peajeddy--(peanut butter and jelly).

Yes, there is a difference between just trying to record their sweetness (because that age passes so fast) and trying to get them to do something in front of people so they can see how 'smart' or 'gifted' your child is. Thanks for the clarification in the last few posts.

[mamaley]

We have a family member who would give their little dd cookies when she'd do what they asked. Seriously.

[Dragonfly]

People are so odd. I remember being in a toy store with my ds a few years ago when a mom came rolling through with her child in a stroller. He was probably about 2 or so and he was happily pointing out the letters on some big blocks. Then he got done with that and started pointing at them and naming them all, "W." He was having a great time, making himself laugh. His mom got so ridiculously upset, though. She kept correcting him and getting more and more frustrated. Finally, she said angrily, "That's NOT W! That's Y!" He said, "I know." And she said, "Well everyone ELSE doesn't know you know!"



I don't get it.

[3 Little Monkeys]

My FIL is the absolute WORST at this! Oh he makes me so mad! He parades the kids in front of total strangers and tries to make them say these "cute" little phrases or pretends that he is super grandpa or something. I'm always to first to say "she won't perform on demand" and after a second or two I will pull her away from the situation and we move on. FIL gets mad at me for ruining HIS show but oh well, life goes on.

As others have mentioned, there is a fine line between being proud and being pushy. If the child doesn't want to perform, getting mad at them isn't going to make it better - it hurts their self esteem too.