Aaah, no you misunderstand me.
I am not trying to say that this happenned because a parent wasnt GD.
Oh gosh no. THey coudl have been blessedly wonderful parents who really freaked out at their daughter dating an 18 year old psychopath and told him not to come around anymore. Which I think is what MOST loving parents would do who didnt know what else to do.
And they did NOT deserve to die, even if they were super controlling alpha-authoritarian parents. (many of whom are still loving and effective for some children)
I am not saying that not being GD contributed (maybe they were, but felt they needed to take some control in this circumstance)
But the theory that the more we try to control our adolescents the more they will rebel etc. . . is really a strong point here.
If dad didn't tell boyfriend to get lost and forbade dd from seeing him (an attempt to control what was truly uncontrollable), he might be still alive. He could never have predicted that this man was psychotic in this way. Even your average 18 year old delinquent would never do such a thing.
I just think it is a huge lesson we learn as GD parents of adolescents that we really have no control over our children's choices. More parents would benefit from learning such a lesson. We can educate and love, and educate some more. But the more we control, it all just "goes underground" like is often said here.
Very few parents even would know it just might be ok to say "I do not think this is a wise choice, but I am not going to stop you. I would like you to consider x y and z when you make this choice. But in the end the choice is yours"
I confess however that in hindsight this original post was VERY callous and I did not mean it to be. It is just that although sad, these stories make my little squabbles with my teen over ditching PE or getting a dress code violation seem very small indeed. And so whille it was a sad story, it is one of those terrible stories that make me realize I dont have it so bad. And it was in that mood (which was really not sufficiently somber for the topic) that I originally posted. And my wording came off as more flippant than was necessary and respectful. And for that I apologise.
I think teenagers' brains being still undeveloped, they are prone to all sorts of crazy behaviors and it's not necessarily due solely to the parenting they experienced. JMO.
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