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"You're Not My Mom" - what's your answer? - Page 2

post #21 of 38
Hmmm, I usually get a little turned around with this one. A gets sometimes really peeved when she has to babysit the little ones, she will often say (well more like hollar), they're not my kids!! It's then that I usually say to her, well you're not my kid either, are you?

Usually drives home the point that taking care of kids isn't something that the biological mother only does. (Sometimes it doesn't).

A has said to friends that I'm not her mom, but usually when she's pissed that she's been restricted from going out or something (even if I'm just the enforcer of Mr Toona's say). But hell, some teens just get antagonistic with whatever nearby adult there it.

Though every once in a while one of them will "accidentally" call me mom.
post #22 of 38
"You're right, I'm not your mom, but I *am* your stepmom and you need to respect me." Followed by..."Do I do "X behaviour" to you?" No. "Then do you think I want you to do "X behaviour" to me?" etc. This usually works well with my 6 and almost 9 yo
post #23 of 38
I just read the OP and skimmed through quickyly so this is not in response to anything anyone else has or hasn't said. These are my thoughts on it as a stepmom and as a mom to a dd who's dad has a girlfriend who she may or may not call "mommy"? I say that b/c my ex is a lunatic and every girl he has dated since our divorce he has wanted my daughter to call mom b/c he claims he is going to get married to each and every one And he usually wants the gfriends kids to call him dad. Anyway I don't let it bother me. My daughter is almost 7 and if she feels comfy calling someone mommy then I think she should do whatever makes her feel comfortable and I don't let it bother me b/c it doesn't negate or change our relationship in any way. I've learned that someone calling you mommy doesn't make you one and someone not calling you mommy doesn't not make you one. Mommy, IMO, is in the heart For me its a feeling and more than a word. My granny taught me that without ever saying a word. Her neighbors kids grew up calling her granny and considered her that even though they already had grandparents that they loved and visited often. She was a "granny" and that is the role she played in their life and so the title fit for everyone. My dss calld me mommy, he is 3, and sometimes now that he is getting older by my first name. I don't think his mom is too keen on the idea of him calling me mommy and I respect that and understand. He naturally knows that I am not his mom b/c he doesn't live with me, but the other children called me mom and as he learned to talk he referred to me the same way they did. I figure that he will eventually just call me by my first name, but if he doesn't that will be fine with me. I would never make him call me mom. I think he can call me by my first name, but I do teach our kids to respond ma'am and sir out of respect. My children refer to dss as their brother. My dd doesn't say he is a "step" brother. To her he is simply her brother and I think that age has alot to do with it. My dd was 3 when my dh and I started dating and she does not call him dad, just Chris. She does love him and she hugs his neck, kisses his cheek, and tells him each night before she goes to bed just like she does me. He doesn't need her to call him dad and she never wanted to as far as I know. And I don't even tell ppl that dss is a "step" child when we are out. I just say he's my son and he just say's I'm his mom. I think my dd would probably tell her friends that my dh was her step dad if they referred to him incorrectly but in a nice way just for clarity's sake. If the kids were being disrespectful about it and said "you're not my mom" I would say something like " No I'm not but that has nothing to do with what we are talking about b/c I don't need to be your mom for you to do what I ask." I think all our kids know that that wouldn't fly around here.
post #24 of 38
I think I've been very lucky in this issue thus far. I hit it off almost immediately with DH's daughters (ages 3 1/2 and 18 months when we met) and about 9 months after we started dating, DSD1 asked if she could call me "Mommy" because that's what I was to her. She tells her friends (as does DSD2) that she has 2 mommies. She feels incredibly lucky in this, and sees me as an added bonus, even going so far as to thank my DH for marrying me, 'cause I'm a "good one" in her eyes. I'm honored, and blessed. The girls have never corrected strangers who ask if I'm their mommy. To them, I am.

Again, I know how lucky I am, and I also know that there will probably come a day (most likely when they're teenagers and I won't let them stay out past curfew) that they'll play the "you're not my mom" card. And I'll deal with it then. It hasn't happened yet though, and I'm grateful for it. As we're expecting DD3 in 14 short weeks (ACK!) the girls are incredibly excited about their new sister, and can't wait. They understand that she will live with us all the time, and they will live with biomom most of the time, but are very excited to get to meet her and have a new little sister.

We've been very lucky in blending our family. It came very naturally for us, the kids accepted me right away, and it was their decision to tell me that I was just as important as their "first mom."

I lucked out.
post #25 of 38
Had to respond to this one. used to lsiten to my stepkiddo cry and say this for hours and hours. It was awful. I got this standard response pretty quick and would repeat it every time: "No, I am not your mother. You have a mother and she is a wonderful mother and you are so lucky to have her." Sometimes we would talk more about it if she was feeling argumentative and rational (for a 5 year old). What mattered most to me was that I alwasys told her that I am not her mother and that her mom was great. All of these comments I felt were really stemming from her fears that I would try to replace her mother in her life the way I did in her Dad's life (this is kid logic ya'll). Hang in there, it will get better. Just be supprtive of your stepkiddo.
post #26 of 38
I have to agree about reinforcing that no, you are not their mommy and that they only have 1 mommy. However, I think it's also important to let the children know that they are important to you and that you will always be there to support them regardless of the fact that you are not the bio mom. Regardless of what we may WANT to say, we MUST say what is best for the children.
I get the comment most often when reinforcing rules of our home. I reply that while I am not their mother, they still must abide by and respect the rules of our home while they are with us. It helps that my DH reinforces all that I do as well so that there is always consistency in our home.
post #27 of 38
post #28 of 38
My stepson always feels compelled to tell people I am not his mother. Like when I was in Wal-mart buying some things with my daughter (14 months old), stepson, and currently 9 months pregnant, and people ask me if he is also mine, or ask, is this going to be your third child? Stepson always answers (even though they're talking to me, not him), and yells, SHE'S NOT MY MOM!", so I respond with, that's right, I'm not, I'm his step-mom. Then he wants to continue telling them his life story, and I attempt to lead him away.

Other times, he tells me you're not my mom, and I say, I know I'm not, but this is my house, I am your step-mom, I am the adult and you will do what I tell you to.
post #29 of 38
I think however your step daughter meant it or announced to the group, it still hurt your feelings. I also feel children learn how to be sensitive to other peoples feelings by the people around them. So on this note I would let her know in a calm, subtle way that it did hurt your feelings and why. Dont make a big deal because it may be some type of power trip and move on. My 14 ss says "it was a joke!" all day. It is sooo irritating - I think because it is how he says it. You just have to teach yourself to not let the little things get under your skin - because there will be others.
post #30 of 38
I say "No, I am not your mother, however i am your STEP mother, and you will respect what i say and not talk down to me."
post #31 of 38

Listen to what's not being said...

I am a step-mum, as well, and I have heard "you're not my mother" more times than I can count.

A lot of the other posts to this thread seem to indicate (please correct me if I'm wrong) that the poster is hurt/offended when their step-children say that phrase to them. I have two thoughts on the subject:

First, we need to remember that the statement is, in fact, true, whether or not we wish to be reminded of it.

Secondly, I think it's important for us to be adult enough to not be hurt by the words that are being said, and be compassionate enough to understand that the child is really saying something more along the lines of "I miss my mother.", "I need to be 'mothered' right now.", or "Please don't try to take my mother's place, or usurp my mother."

Just food for thought.
post #32 of 38


your responses are all great.

right now I'm so annoyed with my sd I might respond 'thank god.'

post #33 of 38
It seemed like in the original post, the SD was announcing to her friends. I know that whenever I picked up at preschool, as soon as one of the kids saw me (or any other pick-up person, be it grandma, sitter, SMom, whoever) the cry would go up: "[My kid]!!! Your mom's here!!" When our sitter picked up, the kid who actually saw her would yell something like "[My kid]!!! Time to go!!!!" and then other kids who didn't see the sitter just assumed it was me, and yelled "[My kid]!!! Your mom's here!!!" and my kid would tell them, in a you-sillies-tone, "That's not my MOM. That's [sitter]!!" I'm sure if there was a SMom in my children's lives, they'd have said something like "She's not my mom!" - but because they would be being dismissive of their friends' mistake, not dismissive of the person coming to get them.
post #34 of 38
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
When I was a step mom, I always replied.... "nope, I am the WOMAN WHO CHOOSES to love you"

or I would then say to them " hey cinderella, get your booty in the car" they were older kids, about 13 and 14 when we were no longer family.

I miss the girls, I have not seen, heard or talked to them in about 3 years. They were actually my ex's former step daughters and I worked very hard at him keeping a relationship with them going. When we split up, he stopped seeing the girls.

Just to add to this... the girls are back in my life... thankyou myspace!!!! and they tell me I am STILL their "other mother" and I am about to be the "other grand ma":
post #35 of 38
We have not had this exact issue yet. DSS is 3.5 but we have had people in stores refer to me as his mom and have decided so as not to either reject him or confuse him that I say. "His Mom is Michelle I am his Molly". He has always referred to me as Molly and I don't know if he would know what a stepmother is. We haven't had questions about my authority because I have been around since he was a baby and my dh and I have always been clear that I am one of DSS parents with all rights, responsibilties ect...

He has occassionally experessed that he would like me to go live at his mom's house and would like him mom, dad to live at our house he fluctuates on whether his brother gets to come with me or stays with them. I always try to encourage him to talk about these sorts of feelings, him living with his mom and his dad and visiting me at his mom's house, me putting his brother back in my tummy or mailing him away whatever.
post #36 of 38
I am not a step mom but was a step child. i felt like I always had to clarify this. just for the record. he is not my dad. my dad is a creep who lives in Virginia and and this creep is my step dad. . . . my moms insistence that I finally had a dad did not help. nor did her casually trying to change my last name to his. I didn't like my dad but he was mine for better or for worse. and gosh darn it people were going to have all the facts.

So it sounds like your dsd is just clarifying. and well she should. but since it hurts your feelings (understandably) perhaps if she is old enough you could interject something along the lines of "hey why don't you tell them who I *am* then so they don't think i am kidnappin' ya " if she is not inclined to introduce you then maybe it would help her if you set the record straight. I am Suzie and am lucky enough to be her step mom"

just don't assume her clarification has anything to do with you personally. She very well may want to make sure you get the honor you are due. you are no ordinary mom after all. you are step mom and that is different and cool in its own way. My friends DSD was talking with a neighbor kid and neighbor kid introduced her step mom and friends kid got super excited because hey! she had a step mom too!! and couldn't wait to tell her new friend all about her mom and her step mom and her dad and her sister and her dog and . . . . .
post #37 of 38
I would say "You're right I'm not your mom because you already have a great mom." But then go on to discuss that it's ok to feel - x y z - but it's not ok to do xyz.

We talk a lot about how we're all going to feel a lot of emotions: sadness, frustration, disappointment, confusion, anger... but there needs to be an appropriate way to express those feelings.
post #38 of 38
Thread Starter 
OK, I'm reviving an old thread... but "you're not my mom" has morphed. Now when I ask her to do something DSD says, sarcastically, Okay, MOM.

At first I said nothing, but last time she said it, I responded with, "Aw, that's so sweet, Thank You!" To which I got and a sigh. This child is 8 going on 16, I swear.

I can already hear my stepdad's voice in my head... "don't you roll your eyes at me, young lady"
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