child spacing...

[FuzzyOne]

i have a 4.5 month old baby right now - we are nuts about him and can't wait to have more children. we had to wait quite a while before we were able to start having children (we are 30 and 31). ideally we want at least three kids. i want to wait until my son is close to a year before we start trying for baby #2 (i want my baby to be able to breastfeed for a full year without pregnancy affecting my supply). i also intend to continue to breastfeed through my pregnancy and am not opposed to tandem breastfeeding. of course, hopefully breastfeeding won't make it impossible for me to get pregnant.

i really like the idea of having siblings close in age. but i also don't want my baby now to miss out on being a baby. i want to do the best thing for him. but on the other hand, we don't want to wait too long - we would rather do this while we are still in our earlier 30s and the timing is great (finally!). the other thing (which i know is silly) is that i love my baby so incredibly much i wonder if it is even possible for me to love another child this much? i really know that is silly, but it still kind of bothers me.

i guess i am just wondering if any of you have experience with having children so close together in age? what have you found to be the pros and cons? i would love to hear your experiences.

[USAmma]

Your post is classic. It's something that all of us think about when deciding when to have another. Good luck with your decision.

I had mine 3 years apart and wish I'd waited one more year, honestly. I have friends who did great with having them 2 years apart or less. A lot of it depends on your energy level, the personalities of the siblings, and what kind of support you have from family.

As far as loving the second one as much. Yes, you absolutely will. You will love each of them for their own special traits and their personality. Both of my kids have such unique things about them and I can spend all day admiring them and loving them, even though they are complete opposites in personality.

[dharmamama]

I honestly think that a lot of people these days overthink the whole child spacing thing. For most of human civilization, babies came when they came. These days we have just about every advantage possible in taking care of our babies, so I don't think that the spacing thing is that big of a deal, actually.

When we started out this parenting journey, I wanted six years between my daughter and any other kids. I wanted to have all that time to focus just on her. What I eventually realized (and this is just me, not casting aspersions at anyone else) is that I wanted my daughter to have the experience of not being the star all the time. I wanted her to have someone else besides me to play with (both for her sake and for mine), and I just wanted another kid to parent. We did think about how our daughter would adjust to a sibling, but honestly, that was not one of the major factors in deciding to adopt when our daughter was 18 months old (she was 2 1/2 when her brother arrived). We figured that, like kids throughout time, she would adjust and it would all work out. She had a rough six months and then she adjusted and it all worked out. Once she told me that she wished Efram would go back to Ethiopia, and I told her that it's fine to feel that way and that she can have some alone time any time she wants it.

My kids are somewhere between 2 and 12 months apart, and they are the best of friends. I am so glad that they are close in age. They really love having each other around and, honestly, it makes it a bit easier for me that they can play so well together. (I'm sure it would have been hard to have an infant and a one-year-old at the same time, though.)

I love my son every bit as much as I love my daughter. Ramona is my first child, and I think she does hold a special place in my heart because of it, but it's not like "Ramona came first, Efram can never compare," it's just a special remembrance of our time together, just us.

Namaste!

[ThinkBlu]

My kids are a tab over 25 months apart, by design! We analyzed it to death and it turns out I become pregnant very easy, so in both pregnancies, it was just a matter of me saying "OK, now" to DH and we were pregnant! We too waited to start having a family until we felt ever thing was right, we started in our mid 30's.

As for the spacing, I love it. I think the point about support was interesting, and I have lots of family support (parents live a block away...by design) so maybe that has an impact, I think I would love it regardless. If I HAD to change anything (which I wouldn't if I could), I would go for tighter spacing rather than looser. I love watching the two of them connect and I think the close spacing aids in that. As for 25 months. I think it was very good timing, as DS1 was starting to gain some independance, and I think it worked well having 'the competition for attention' arrive at a time that he wanted to explore new boundaries.

One thing that I do think important to note. DS1 was a very good natured, but very demanding baby...nursing/comfort nursing 24x7 until 3 months old. He nursed through and after the pregnancy. While pregnant, I lived in fear of how I would balance both of their needs. Once DS2 was born, my fears elivated, but mostly because DS2 was very low needs. He only wanted to nurse when hungry, loved to sleep and unlike DS1, sometimes prefered not to be in my arms. He loved just sitting and wiggling his toes in the sunshine. While DS1 also was gaining independance, he was still an ecentric toddler, and had DS2 been a high needs infant, I think my story might have been very different.

[FuzzyOne]

i appreciate everyone's input. it has been really helpful. my brother and i are seven years apart and have never had a good relationship. we just have never really connected and i think it can be largely attributed to the age difference. but, my husband has one brother and four other male cousins and they are all close in age (all staggered a year starting with my husband) and are close and friends with each other. i really hope for that kind of relationship for my kids.

i should add that i am a new SAHM mom and i love it. my husband and i are devoted to me staying home and being able to make our son (and any future babies) my full time job. that was part of the reason for the long wait to have kids.

[Alkenny]

Originally Posted by FuzzyOne

i wonder if it is even possible for me to love another child this much?

I think every single one of us with multiple children have thought this at one point (I know I did!) VERY normal! Just know that your heart doesn't have only so much room for love, but that it expands with each child.

As for age differences, I don't think there's a perfect age difference. I have 27 months between my first two and 8 1/2 years between my last two. I like the bigger space better, but I don't think it's anything to do with the space itself but where I am in life too.

As for getting along better, I am closer to my brother that is 7 years younger than I am my sister *until recently* who is 4 years younger. I think that has more to do with personalities than ages.

[Peony]

We are still trying for #2, dd will be over 3.5 years by the time another one comes along, and that's if I get pg soon. My mininum spacing was right at 3 years for a couple reasons, I wanted dd is to bf for at least 2 years before getting pg, and then I wanted her to have time to be a baby. My sister and I are 24 months apart, and we literally hated each other growing up, never played together unless we were forced to, so I knew that just because dc are close in age doesn't mean that they will be friends or even playmates. I also felt that I couldn't handle another child before then, dd was a high needs, colicky, allergic baby, 3 years was the absolute mininium that I could go through that again. It's so different for everyone, I have friends with 3 children 4 and under, and I think they are absolutely but I'm sure they can't understand why I only have one so far!

[Rainbow Brite]

Originally Posted by AMB8301

My sister and I are 24 months apart, and we literally hated each other growing up, never played together unless we were forced to, so I knew that just because dc are close in age doesn't mean that they will be friends or even playmates. I

I couldn't agree more! My brother and I are 17 months apart. I'm sure we got along when we were very little, but not as kids. We fount A LOT. We still aren't close, and rarely talk or see each other. I don't think there is any magical spacing, just what would work best for each family.

[ToniaStarr]

I became pregnnat with my second child when my first was 6 months old and it wasn't too tough then other than the whole being tired in my first trimester thing. But I miscarried so I have no experience with having two THAT close together. I now have 3 boys and they are all 2 years apart. Pregnancy can get tough in the first trimester if you are prone to naseua or exhaustion. (most ladies are) There will be tough moments like when you are dealing with morning sickness and your lil one has a poopy diaper. LOL But nothing too bad. As you get near to your due date it can be tough to have to csarry a toddler or deal with it when he throws a tantrum. My middle son was big on throwing himself on the floor and it was tough to try to lug him up the stairs or something when he was thrashing about in a classic two yr old tantrum. Also, near the end I was not sleeping well and it made it hard dealing with that when my toddler woke up real early. But all in all you learn to compromise and juggle things and adapt.
As far as when they are born....I think it depends most on you and DH. If you guys have the energy then go for it. It maybe a little tricky at first but you figure things out real fast. You learn to breastfeed while dragging your toddler out of the fridge.....stuff like that. I have my days when I feel I am going in ten different directions but then I see how my two older boys are fast becoming true blue FRIENDS. And since my siblings are 8 and 18 years younger than I it is so neat to see that bond grow. It gets easier as they become less dependent on you.
Tonia

[Brinda]

My first two are 12 months apart, and my second and third are 21 months apart. They all play together terrifically, and keep each other company. For their sakes, I think they are wonderfully spaced! It wasn't thought out though, all except the first were unplanned pregnancies. (2nd was a pill baby, 3rd that I miscarried was from depo, my son was conceived through condoms while waiting for an IUD). I personally wish I had more time in between so I could enjoy at least the first year without a new pregnancy.

[Eman'smom]

As you have found there is no perfect answer

My kids are 2.5 years apart, and for the most part I like the spacing. At times I do wish I had waited 3-4, I'm not the best "toddler person" and both of my kids are very *intense*, so these young years have been very hard on me.

Wait and see what your son is like at 1


I'm also going to agree that the spacing of sibs doesn't relate to getting along, my sister and I are 26 months apart and have fought like cats and dogs her whole life.


edited, I forgot to add that I have a friend with 4 kids 5 and under . She loves it and says it's wonderful, but her first three are very easy babies/children, only her last has been a challenge. So much depends on the kids you have. She says if her last was her first she doesn't know how many she would have had.