Interesting discussion on another board

[Devaskyla]

Not a parenting one, or even one that anyone here is likely to have heard of, btw. Anyway, it was about breastfeeding in public and a lot of people were saying they were uncomfortable with it. I thought the reason they were uncomfortable was quite interesting and deserving of consideration, though. I should point out most of the posters are male, but there were a few females, and everyone who was uncomfortable with NIP had pretty much the same reason; they didn't know what the right "etiquette" was, especially if it was someone they were talking to or had to be near. They didn't know if it would be considered rude to look, rude to avoid looking and generally wanted to do what would make the mother feel least uncomfortable, but didn't know what exactly that would be (and the examples weren't really situations were they could ask) so they felt uncomfortable not knowing how to act.

I thought it was an interesting perspective and probably some of the people who object to NIP have the same problem. Just not sure if there's anyway to deal with it. Wonder if Miss Manners has anything on NIP?

[Momtwice]

There was a quote on another thread here recently from Peggy O (MOthering editor.)
It was something about how it's normal to feel curious when a baby is eating, but our culture's messed up ideas about breasts being purely sexual make the viewer uncomfortable.

Basically I feel the people who are uncomfortable shouldn't impose their feelings on a hungry child who has the right to eat, or a mom who has a right not to be locked up at home all the time or in a gross bathroom.

So while I understand the uncomfortable feelings, people need to grow and get over those feelings. The more people see NIP the easier that is.

[blessedwithboys]

OP, i think that is a valid point to be discussed. maybe all us nip'ers should assume that is everyone's issue, and just make a point to smile at passersby and maybe even engage in conversation those who may happen to be next to us on a park bench, or train, or bus, etc.

ITA that the more natural WE make it, the more natural it will become for THEM. (not trying to perpetuate the segregation of the two camps, just making it simple and less wordy.)

[Janice in Canada]

OP, I absolutely think you are on to something with this.

I think this is a very worthwhile discussion that they were having on that board.

That is the question that needs to be addressed in all the Ann Landers columns, editorials, etc that we see about NIP. The question is not what the moms should be doing by way of covering up.

The question is what the people around her should do. I think well-intentioned people really are unsure what to do, and the more we can talk about this openly, and reassure them - in a kindly manner that keeps the lines of communication open - the quicker people will become comfortable with NIP.

Lets face it, many people have never been around someone NIPing. Might as well come right out and tell them -

Yes, its okay to look. Its a baby, everyone likes to look at babies. take a glance, there's probably nothing that you will see, and the mom herself has more than likely gotten over the idea of bringing her breast out.

don't stare, if you do see something. If you are already talking with the woman, just keep talking, just like normal. Focus on the conversation, and pretty soon you will just forget about it.

If she's just a stranger near you, just glance, and move on, just like you would with anyone else. If you make eye contact, give her a smile, and move on. No big deal.

Maybe we could pose as regular people and pose these questions to the advice columnists, to get people to talk about it?

Janice

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by Janice in Canada

Maybe we could pose as regular people and pose these questions to the advice columnists, to get people to talk about it?

We ARE regular people!!!

Anyway, I think the advice should be "pretend her breast is a bottle." What would you do if she was giving the baby a bottle while talking to you? Would you look avert your eyes? Probably not. Would you gawk at the bottle? Probably not. Would you smile at the baby and then continue to make eye contact with the Mom while talking to her? Yes? Well then, there's your answer!

[my2girlsmama]

Yes it is something to think about.

I usually don't get harrassed when NIP, even with my toddler....and if someone glances and seems uncomfy I usually smile and say "she is hungry, needs mama" or something to that effect. I make sure I am always smiling and talking to dd while she nurses and I give off the feeling of ease, and 9 times out of ten I get a smile back from someone. I've yet to have someone walk away or get upset.

I think if we just act as such it will be normal -at some point.

[Viola]

My husband has expressed the same feelings, that as a man he has been conditioned not to gawk at women, especially their breasts, and he's afraid to look at breastfeeding women for fear they will think he is trying to cop a look, but then if he looks away he is afraid that is offensive. But he says that that is his personal discomfort and something he has to get over.

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by Viola

My husband has expressed the same feelings, that as a man he has been conditioned not to gawk at women, especially their breasts, and he's afraid to look at breastfeeding women for fear they will think he is trying to cop a look, but then if he looks away he is afraid that is offensive. But he says that that is his personal discomfort and something he has to get over.

Sounds like you have a great husband.

[wednesday]

Something about this POV rubs me the wrong way, and the best way I can describe it is to make a comparison. A lot of people feel awkward when they come across someone with a disability, particularly if it's something like mental retardation or an obvious physical difference (like a limb missing). "Regular" people can feel unsure what to do, where to look, what to say. But no decent person would have the nerve to suggest that disabled people should stay out of public view, merely because the sight of their disability can sometimes make other people feel awkward.

[DBZ]

A friend and I were having this very conversation the other day. I complained to her that a friend of ours wouldn't look at me when I was BFing and he was talking to me. She said that prehaps that person was just trying to give me my privacy. I told her that I gave up my need for privacy when I chose to NIP. Then my friend told me that she expected people to give her some privacy when she NIPed. I wonder how many others think like this.

Kara

[Mamapits]

I love the fact that there were people, mostly men on another discussion board talking about this! I think A LOT of people don't know how to behave around a nursing mom. Not many people have experience with it. Before I gave birth at the age of 36 I only can recall seeing 2 women nurse thier babies. When feeding our babies the way nature intended becomes mainstream, people are going to stop being wierd about it. I think it would be great if someone came up with standard breastfeeding ediquett guidelines and got it out there some how. I noticed some ideas in this thread already. Any more ideas?

[timneh_mom]

The first evening I nursed DS in front of DH's best (guy) friend, I just said "I know you are both gentlemen" with a smile, because they do have a tendency to make lewd jokes... but it was basically, I don't care if you don't care, and DS needed to eat so he could go to sleep. They were both very polite, BTW.

I do think it is because a lot of people are not used to seeing others BF, and just are not sure what to do or not do because they do not want to make the mom feel uncomfortable. One of my close friends was this way for a while, she is sweet as can be and I just think she wanted to give us privacy. Now that she's seen us nurse a few times, it isn't such a big deal (she is childless). I don't think it was a big deal to begin with but just something subtle I noticed.

I'd just like people to treat me normally, just like I could imagine someone with a disability would. But when I was at a friend's house with a big group of other friends, one of them went rushing to get me something to put under my elbow when I was feeding DS, but she nursed all her kids too. I just think that what I would ask, is that people just be relaxed, but I can see how it could be hard if you are not used to seeing it.

Interesting topic and I am happy that people are talking about it!

[Brinda]

Noone could ever tell I was breastfeeding. I used some of those nursing tops because that's what I was most comfortable with. Once the baby is latched on, you really couldn't tell. Unless I threw a blanket over us, then it was like a warning flag going up. Several people would talk to me and stroke his head while he was nursing and ask to hold him. I would tell them when he was finished eating they could.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by wednesday

Something about this POV rubs me the wrong way, and the best way I can describe it is to make a comparison. A lot of people feel awkward when they come across someone with a disability, particularly if it's something like mental retardation or an obvious physical difference (like a limb missing). "Regular" people can feel unsure what to do, where to look, what to say. But no decent person would have the nerve to suggest that disabled people should stay out of public view, merely because the sight of their disability can sometimes make other people feel awkward.

I think it's fine. The discussion is about how to act when NIP is happening, not about how to get people to stop NIP. Having a specific, fixable, problem with NIP that they know is their problem and not nursing mamas problem and that they want to fix is a wonderful wonderful thing.

And for many years the way of dealing with disabilities, especially mental disabilities *was* to hide people away from the public view.

[orangebird]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

We ARE regular people!!!

Anyway, I think the advice should be "pretend her breast is a bottle." What would you do if she was giving the baby a bottle while talking to you? Would you look avert your eyes? Probably not. Would you gawk at the bottle? Probably not. Would you smile at the baby and then continue to make eye contact with the Mom while talking to her? Yes? Well then, there's your answer!

Exactly!

[dukeswalker]

OP - Great point! There was an letter to the editor written in our AZ paper awhile back with the person (besides all of the other ranting) mentioned that she was uncomfortable around NIP because she didn't know what to do.

I wrote a letter in and said that you would do exactly the same thing as if you looking into anyone's eyes - smile!

[Devaskyla]

I think it's fine. The discussion is about how to act when NIP is happening, not about how to get people to stop NIP. Having a specific, fixable, problem with NIP that they know is their problem and not nursing mamas problem and that they want to fix is a wonderful wonderful thing.

Exactly. It wasn't about getting women to stop nip, it was more "i don't know what to do to make the woman not feel uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable". i think most of the wouldn't be at all uncomfortable if they knew what to do.

[huggingmama]

So glad this is being discussed... before I became a mom, I totally had this fear--how to react "normally" when in the company of a BFing mom? So I totally understand that others have this issue--not that my discomfort (and theirs) means moms need to cover up. Rather, as other posters have said, it should be discussed and addressed. A pro-BFing advice column response would be a good thing, imho.