I just want to cry

[rwikene]

I just need somewhere to cry, I can't find the words to describe what I am feeling...not that I would have the enegy to anyway. I feel like I am drowning and I have struggled so long to just to keep my head above water, I am tired and I don't want to stuggle anymore, I just want to relax and drown....

so, I am just going to cry....anyone want to cry with me? *sniff, sniff* I feel better now....

I posted in gentle discipline if anyone wants to have a glimpse of what I have been going through...

[Jish]

What are you doing to help with the depression? I read you post in GD and I really feel for you. I have two boys, 4 1/2 and 26 months and the younger one is a handful much of the time. He is very opinionated!!! It has to be his way or the highway. I spend so much of my time making him think stuff like getting dressed, getting his coat on, eating, etc, is HIS idea. We give a lot of choices to him, but they are limited. Do you want to put your pants on first, or you shirt on first. I let him choose his clothes if he throws a fit when I try to get him dressed. Yes, it is a pain to have to take him back to the closet and let him choose things, but at least we get it done.

Yes, this phase does pass, but it will be replaced with another. It changes, but I'm not sure if it will get "easier" for a while. Take care of yourself. See your psychiatrist and do what you need to do to keep your sanity. I hate that I have to take an antidepressant to function everyday, but it is what keeps me going everyday. I couldn't go on without it. I hope that one day soon I will be able to go off, but for right now I need it to be a good mom and to survive. If you can find some natural remedies that work, go for it. Exercise, take omega 3's, do the simple stuff too.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Beth

[JesseMomme]

Rachel,
I just got done readng your posts at Gentle discipline. Before I forget I wanted to second the motion that yes slapping will make it worse and I have been guilty of it on my most fustrating days in the past. (Not to mention I spend the rest of the day feeling like the crappiest mom in the world -who wants that - it would just add to my downward spiral) I struggle so hard to not hit or spank (yes I was brought up that way too) and succeed 99% of the time...I empathize with how toddlers can be so fustrating sometimes.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
You have so much on your shoulders! I really feel for you I do!
I wish I knew how to make your Dh less high needs than he is...I think that dh's tend to forget they are not the only ones who work all day. And even they get to get home and sit down and chill and play with the kids (who are happy to see daddy and sick of mommy at that point) and eat and then chill some more, meanwhile mommy continues to work, even long after the kids have gone to sleep (a horaay moment in the day), then get up early with them before the buttcrack of dawn and it starts all over again. Does Dh fully understand how you are feeling too? Have you talked about PPD with him in the past or recently?
I had a wiggle worm during a diaper change today and I started making silly faces and noises out of the blue. That time it worked and Ds stopped kicking his feet, arching his back and saying "noooooo nooooo" which is known to make me nutty in the past. I got him to imitate my silly noises and that distracted him .....

Jesse
(who just got done chasing two toddlers around the house, yes, arounnnd the house LOL diapering and jammy'ing)

[shematrix]

Hugs hun, I'm so sorry

Hang in there!

Brenda

[mamamoo]

I'm so sorry...hang in there. Please go see someone, life should be so much nicer than this for you! I know how it feels to be so tired, sleeping forever sounds like the way to go. Your dd loves you, and needs you, and is lucky to have you!!!
My thoughts are with you while I look in the phonebook to take my own advice!

[rwikene]

thanks so much for your thoughtful and kind replies...it really means a lot to me.

I had a much better day today...in fact I would say that I feel about 60% better.

The terrible thing about depression (or at least in my case), is that when I feel down I can't even manage to make an appointment to see the doc about meds or anything like that, by the time I do feel up to making an appointment I feel so much better and am mad at myself for being so self-centered and silly about the whole thing. So, I have still never gone to the doctor about depression.

Growing up, my mom would just tell me that I was trying to get attention being moody all the time, and partly I think I was....but, I always felt guilty about it. It wasn't until this year that she aknowledged (sp?) that maybe I was depressed and maybe she should have taken me in when I was a child....She confided in me that she too has felt that way all her life. go figure:

Anyway, I took time and enjoyed DD today, let her just be herself (albeit irritating at times) and didn't force things on her...like getting dressed. She did better and so did I.

Again, thanks!

Rachel

Oh yeah, btw: I think I figured out why DD was acting so horribly lately, my job as a nanny just ended and for the last week or so I have not been going over to the people's house...today I did b/c they needed me, and DD seemed to settle right into the same ol' routine....hmmm, if only I had figured that out earlier:

[Foobar]

I just wanted to offer HUGS. I haven't read your other posts, but I still wanted to offer a hug. On down days, you can always need them!

[mamamoo]

Hi,
I was just wondering how your were doing!

[rwikene]

doing better now....we are busy packing to move in 2 1/2 weeks or so....ugh! I don't really like moving, but this time I am excited..the only problem is trying to pack while a toddler is unpacking faster than you get things into boxes. We are trying to pack the bulk of our stuff by next week...that way it will less hectic at the last min.

DD is getting better, not so...um....cranky! She is settling into a routine at home (mostly sleeping until 11 then waking up to play for a couple of hours then sleeping some more: ) I don't know if she is just growing or what...

I found out that my brother is probably going to be sent overseas next month he is in the army reserves, it is pretty scary for our family. I try not to think about it much, I just tear up everytime I do. He has truely been my closest friend all my life, I am so scared for him!!!!

Other than all that chaos I am doing well, contemplating going to the doctor.....

the main problem is that I go to a naturopath (which normally is a wonderful thing, I love my ND) but he is pretty slow to prescribe meds. And since I won't be able to afford $100+ in supplements plus other therapies like nurobiofeedback (sp?) I am afraid I am up a creek without a paddle. I HAVE to be able to put food on the table, that isn't a choice, so right now I am scared to go in and see him.

I know that an antidepressant would be covered under insurance, but supplements aren't. I don't even know about other therapies...so who knows *shrug*

Anyway, thanks for all of the kind replies. I really appriciate having somewhere to vent and cry! You ladies are awesome!!!

[mama2girls]

I am glad to read that you are doing better. I know that every time I pack for a trip my 2.5 yo wants to "help". It can be so frustrating. What I do is to get out a small canvas bag or suitcase and let her "pack" her toys (and clothes if she wants, I can always repack after she goes to bed). She loves getting to choose the toys, and I don't mind if she packs and unpacks the bag.

Are you moving to another town/state or in the same community? That would be enough to make me cry!! Packing up a household is HARD work!! Hopefully after you get moved you and dd can establish your own routine--and that will help you both.

Wish I could offer to help, but i'm halfway across the nation.

Good luck!

[rwikene]

we are moving about 35miles north of where we are now, so we will be about 20 min from Canada...

so really it is a new community. Luckily thought, DH is being a real trooper and packing most of the stuff. I helped last night and got some done, but most of the time it was spent trying to distract DD...I would hand her something that didn't *need* to be packed so she would have something to play with (like a measuring cup and a plastic pitcher) and that amused her for awhile.

I am actually doing wonderful today. I just got back from a training session to become a peer counselor with LLL through WIC. It is so nice to be around like minded mamas for a change.

DD is still kinda young to understand a lot of things. She knows how to "bring" me stuff, but doesn't always follow through. I think this age is just frustrating b/c she is mostly still pre-verbal and not a "toddler" yet and not a "baby" anymore KWIM? she is only 14mo

[mama2girls]

It's a fun and frustrating age. They understand soooo much, but can't communicate it back! i'm sure that it frustrates your dd, too to not be able to get mom to understand what she wants. When A was a year old and we were weaning I thought she was such a big kid. Now that she's 2.5, I think the 1s look so tiny! They are physically so much still a baby and yet we push them into walking, talking, eating, etc. Sigh... I never want M to grow up! Is that sad? She's just entering the really fun age (IMHO)--almost 6 mos.

Glad to hear you are doing better. It's nice to have dh take up the slack. I know that mine has been a huge help to me the past few weeks, as my mom has been hospitalized. There have been days when I wonder if I should be upping my meds!

Good luck with the move!! We'll all be here when you need us!

[Foobar]

Sounds like things are going better!

I read some of the GD stuff. I felt so bad for you! I just wanted to offer another hug for you!!!!