Please no one take this the wrong way, I think so much of natural child birth but for me did not think it an option. Let me explain.
I was 37 and 6 days pregant for the 4th time, my second child. (Other two children had for another couple) All three times in the past I had the Epi. I very much feared the pain and felt so out of control in the hospital that it helped me keep my head I thought. This time was supposed to be another Epiadural. If I could have a homebirth or birthing center birth then I would have been ok with natural birth, I would trust more I think. In anycase, I had to go to the hospital and I wanted an Epi.
Tuesday I went to the Dr for a normal visit and I had asked him to check me as the day before I thought I had the flu, my body cleaned itself out, and I was feeling odd down there, not to mention a week of false labor pains. He said I had not had a fever so it was not the flu and he thought I would go late so I had at least another 2 weeks and he would not check me.
Off we went home, grumpy but what could I do? Military hospital you see.
4:30, sitting in a chair and I feel a gush, asume I peed myself, not something I had done before but not unheard of. I change, go back to sit, it happens again. Dang, change again. 5pm, contractions start hard about 8 minutes apart, sometimes 3 or 4, then back to 8. Ok, time to consider it might happen now. Oh no, no bag packed, no baby cloths washed. So newborn cloths go into the wash, and I start packing my bag. 6pm I call the nurse line to ask advice about goint in. Still 408 minutes apart and I can talk through them no biggie. They say go in but I am still waiting on dryer and I want to go to UU Church for choir as I promised that we would and I was feeling ok. Plus, it was closer to the hospital then home and our sitter was going and so we could drop our 6 year old off with her and pick up another friend there who wanted to go with us to the hospital.
7pm we are at choir, I am having a blast singing with friends and still able to smile through contractions. I must have time I think, and this was just how I wanted to labor, with friends and not stuck in a horrible hospital room with strangers.
8:30 The contractions are coming about every 10 minutes now and though they are lasting longer and stronger I am worried they will go away. Still not sure if my water had broken or not though it seemed possible. Off to the hospital we go.
Wait 45 minutes in waiting room still laughing and having fun with friend and hubby.
Exam room, the strip shows blue, my water did break. Ok, so we will not be sent home, yay. Though a little worried as I was not really mentaly ready for baby and my house was not clean enough I was thinking.
Nurse checks me and says I am at 7.... HOLY CRAP. I was having such a great time, that was so new.
All of sudden contracts start coming every 2 minutes. I beg for an Epi.
10pm, walk to a birthing room, they make me get into bed even though I want to squat or move or do anything but in a bed. I keep asking for Epidural. I am getting worried, contractions coming too fast. Nurses keep telling me to breath and I ask them to leave as they are not helping.
Dr comes to check me, tells me no Epi until I have an IV in and blood work it taken and comes back.
Ok ok ok ok, I am crying now, into my blue bear so no one sees me. I am scared and it hurt so much, coming so fast. Hubby and friend waiting to hold my hands.
Dr checks me, tells me I am 10 and baby is coming now. He seems all happy about it, like I am a silly child. I want to hit him. I beg for Epi. No such luck. They hold my arm down to put in an IV. I am starting to really panic.
All sorts of things come out of my mouth as the contractions hit. Most I say over and over, Not ok, Not ok, Not ok. Sometimes I say I can't do it, that I want to stop, I beg for help. I have no control. I move my arms wilding. No one tells me what to do, I am so greatful. No one tells me to breath, no one holds my legs, no one puts me in sturups.
IV goes in. I move as I want to though staying on my back. I can not think. I know full well I could do this with more grace if I had planned for it. I know I need to focus. I cry out but just noise now, no words. I need to focus. No meditation comes to mind. No time between contractions it seems to even think.
I ask hubby and friend to sing a fun church song to me. And they do, and it helps, and I push. It burns. Friend stops singing to tell me babys head is coming. No crap, LOL! Just sing dang it. Another push, his head is out. Dr reaching in and it feels like he is twisting baby. Tells me to push with next contraction and baby will be out. I try to explain that the fire feeling it blurring contractions. Friends still singing, I sing too and push baby out... he starts to scream right away and off to the heater he goes. 3 minutes latter the placenta comes. It never comes before 45 mintues before. Dr puts in one stitch and tells me how cute I am.
10:20 No more tears for me, just shock. I can't think. I just hurt. I hear baby crying and can not see him and some how it did not matter. I just could not believe what had happened.
Dr asks why no eye antibiotics, vit k, hep b shot, no circ and all I can say is that I did research and think they are not worth the risks as we are low risk for all those ishues, not debatable. I feel like a robot or something, nothing felt real. Dr says "So the whole medical field is wrong?" Hubby comes to my rescue and says, "Its a possibility" and everyone leaves it at that.
Baby was 2 weeks early and perfect, still is. But I am not sure I am.
I think I still might be in shock from it all. I know for sure I can do a homebirth now and how I would love to have family and friends around. With mental prep I could handle it all. But I am not sure I will ever be pregnant again. The flash backs of it scare me so much. I felt so out of control.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal better? I feel like I am in shock. I feel like I could cry about it all the time and it is clearly over. The recovery is so much better then any Epidural one I had. I almost know it was for the best even. Still, I am lost some where still in those fearful, out of control moments.
I have always admired the natural birthers and homebirthing mothers. They always seemed so very brave to me. I just really felt like I needed an Epi if I was in the hospital and I thought a homebirth was not possible (Insurence, Gestational Diabetes, chance of placenta not coming, fear, space)
Please no one think terrible of me. I just do not know where else to ask for help and no one I know seems to understand how I am feeling.
Toby Born Nov 22 @ 22:20 weighing 7lbs 7oz and 18.5 inches long.