OMG! I thought I was the only one! I actually planned a natural birth with #3. My first baby, I read constantly, but unfourtunatley only mainstream stuff so I thought I was prepared. Back then I was very young and on medicade and they refused me the epi, just gave demerol in the IV, they broke my water very early and without my consent, they hooked me up to about five diffrent monitors tying me to the bed and on top of it all I had the flu and I was strapped down so I vomitted onto the floor as best I could lean over (after telling them I had to and being told to wait) and had diareah all over myself. It was horrible. Healing from the episiotomy was worse than the birth.
Fastforward 11 years and I had my second, I got the epi but made sure she broke the water herself. I had done some better research this time and I used some good coping skills early on, upright position, rocking, etc. but she had meconium staining. I had been promised no episiotomy unless necesary burt was given one again, without my consent or even knowledge. I healed better and faster, I think the cut wasnt as deep. I also suffered horribly from the aftercontractions, they took the epi away immediatly after birth and left the pitocin drip for hours. (They also left me alone all bloody and weak, thank god I had my family there). I asked my doc, next time can we skip the pitocin? He said no, standard procedure, everyone gets one. I really didnt want the pitocin. I watched the video, she was so limp and lifeless and they suctioned her forevery. My reserach, which I finally did in great deapth, told me that babies who arent suctioned actually have BETTER outcomes! And I found that the epi was probally responsible for the staining and for dd not wanted to nurse for weeks after birth.
So there I was with #3 and a midwife. Did I prepare? No, I thought well hell the pain didnt get bad, bad until right before the eip and it was only an hour or so after that that I had her so I can deal. I mean, I had the first with just demerol and that really didnt seem to do much for the pain, I can handle it.
I couldnt. And my midwives and dh were wonderful. I wouldnt let them break my water, thanks to my experiances with #1 so for an hour he tried to come down and couldnt, once I let them do AROM, he came within minutes. So the worst hour was avoidable, but live and learn, right? With my first they did the local before the episiotomy and with the second I had an epi so I never felt the actual birth. It is like being ripped in half. Once he was out, I just wanted to be left alone, I felt like a wounded animal. I kept waiting for that rush of endorphins I keep reading about. No. I was in shock, I took him and nursed him because I was suppose to, but I had no feelings beyond great relief that it was over and wanting to be left alone. The endorphin rush, the high feeling never came. I felt violated, I felt like great violence had been done, I felt betrayed that it wasnt this wonderful experiance that I keep reading about from others. I just knew I couldnt do it again. Yet I did heal amazingly quickly and easily. The baby was alert, healthy. I knew it was better. He was 10'6 and barely fit out, I have no doubt that in a hospital he would have been a csection becasue when I said "I cant" my midwives said "you can" but a hospital would have said "epidural" and at that point, I would have taken it and if he barely fit out when I was on all fours, no way he was coming out flat on my back. So I know it was better. But still I said "I cant do it again, I cant" to the point where I thought I didnt want that fourth child we had planned afterall.
I looked everywhere for someone who felt the same and could not find them. Everyone who had birth trauma had it from interventions and everyone who had natural loved it. So then I wondered what the heck was wrong with ME? I had ppd for the first time.
He is ten months old now and I just now think ok, yeah, I could have another baby, but Im still not sure I want to go through that pain then I feel guilty because I know its whats best for the baby. And really for me. I mean you trade that pain for a much easier and faster recovery time as well as an active alert baby. Also my sil just had a baby and talking to her reminds me of stuff, like her baby has jaundice and of course he had the vit k shot. My third was the only one of mine who had no shot and no jaundice. Coincidence? I think not.
But long story just to say God, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!! And to say, it does pass, you really do need time to process. I just now am starting to really feel good about it. Or at least not bad.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think you did an amazing job under the circumstances and you need to hear that, and believe it!