What to do about too many gifts?

[kezia]

My kids are the only grandkids on dh's side of the family, and everyone wants to play "Santa". We have 2 kids, and MIL, BIL and SIL will each get 6-7 gifts for each child (and they are not small, inexpensive gifts either!). In years past, we have just politely thanked them, then when we got home, most of the gifts would either go back to the store for a refund, get donated, etc. But, this year, it's going to be more complicated. Now, ds is 5, and he will remember what he got. I am trying to figure out some way to make this whole thing more manageable.

Dh is fed up, and wants to just tell them to knock it off. I am uncomfortable with this approach, because as much as I despise their taste in gifts, and the sheer volume of stuff we are bombarded with, I think it's impolite to try and dictate other people's gift-giving. So, I am trying to figure out some way to deal with the 3 dozen+ gifts we will have to cart back from their house again this Christmas.

My first thought was to maybe talk to ds beforehand and discuss giving--suggest that we keep some of our gifts, and give some to others in need. Should I try something along those lines? Or just let him keep all the stuff and suggest rotating toys, getting rid of some of his old toys, or something similar? Or should I just go along with what dh wants tp do, since it's his family? Any other suggestions?

[trini]

I think you should talk to the family members. This will be my ds's 1st Christmas and I come from a big "gift-giving" family. I think that it is easier in the long run to explain your preferences. You might be surprised by their reaction. I talked to my SIL when I was over there for Thanksgiving and she had no problem with it. And I talked to my mom. I told her that (gasp) we will not be "doing Santa Claus" with ds and she was actually fine with it. She even just bought him one gift - a nice wagon that he will be able to start using this spring. We were at TRU today (she was buying gifts for my nieces) and she asked about buying more for my ds and I just said he doesn't need anything and I'd rather she didn't. So she didn't!

You are not really dictating other people's gift-giving, just your gift-receiving! In some families, buying gifts is how they show love. So, if they still want to spend the money, ask for other "non-material" types of gifts, like memberships to the zoo, children's museums...

Unless your ds is a VERY understanding child, it may be hard for him to graciously open presents with the knowledge that he is just going to have to give them away. I guess you could also let him accept them, then select a certain number of items that he already owns to give to charity. That way you could limit the amount of things in your home.

I don't know... Just throwing those ideas out there!

[Peony]

I'd be upfront with them. Just tell them that with all the gifts combined it is way too much, and could they please tone it down. If they insist then tell them the extra toys will be donated to others that need them.

[Willowrose]

I would go directly to the family. I don't think its fair to involve your son, being that he is only 5. It seems he would kind of be caught in the middle.
I have done this with our families and it got much better. I suggest telling them that you are struggling with a number of issues with this and the best thing would be to cut back on the gifts. Let them know that it is just too overwhelming to the children and to yourself. Suggest that they buy one or two item that your children really want and tell them how much more your children will appreciate them.
Good luck and I hope it all works out for you!

[Bjortandcompany]

If they don't listen you can always give them away to the salvation army or a women's shelter. At least they will use them and you won't be offending anyone.


Bjortandcompany

[No2Circ]

I feel for ya! MIL has said, repeatedly, that the gifts are about what SHE WANTS TO GIVE, not about what our kids want and/or need, or don't need! Dh will say, "We don't need that," and she will say, "I don't care." It's frustrating!

[No2Circ]

Originally Posted by Bjortandcompany

If they don't listen you can always give them away to the salvation army or a women's shelter. At least they will use them and you won't be offending anyone.

Except.......maybe the 5 year old, who knows what was his that mommy is giving away!

[Marsupialmom]

I would talk to the family. Make it more of a case that your children have too many toys. Tell them you are looking for ways to reduce how many toys the kids have. Do it in a round about way at first.

In a few years there will be less gift giving. There will be other neices and nephews and your children will get harder to shop for.

In the mean time I would talk to your child/ren about Toys for Tots, woman/homeless shelters, Red Cross, fire departments, and/or police. The latter to might be more real than toys for Tots. Saying the people that use these services having a hard time and need a little charity. Us the too many gifts as a way to teach charity.

[kezia]

We have already tried the "roundabout" way--talking about how we have too many toys, small house, etc. Dh has even dropped some comments in past years about how it is overwhelming for the kids to have so much stuff all at once--the ILs seem proud of the fact that they are overwhelming the kids This year, dh is ready to have a real talk with them--put some actual limits, like one gift per child, etc.

And no, it won't get better over time--there aren't any cousins in my kids' future. SIL and BIL are both much older than dh, and it's highly unlikely that either will ever have children. And as my kids get older, I have a feeling the gifts will just get bigger and more expensive, not taper off.

And yes, we have been giving the stuff away for years, but this year ds is old enough that he's going to notice. Since dropping hints with the ILs hasn't worked, I'm thinking we are either going to have to be blunt with them or find some way to deal with it on our side. The latter would have to involve the kids in some way, since we can't just sneak the toys off to the donate bin any more. Maybe if we talked to ds about giving away some of the toys, but also he could take some of them back to the store and get a non-toy something he wants? He loves books more than anything--maybe he'd be happier about returning the toys, or giving them to charity, if we let him pick out a few books he wants in exchange?

Or maybe we should simply say "Stop!". It just seems so rude to me Do you really think we should tell them "One gift per child, no more than $30"?? That's what dh wants to do, and I know it will cause a major blowout with the ILs. Urgh! Why do the holidays have to be so stressful?

[BelovedK]

I understand where you're at mama. My DDs bday id in Dec as well so it gets even worse. They can't even think of a large enough gift list. At least I'm a single mom and can stow some of the stuff away at Xs

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Gotta tell ya--because my ILs do this and my folks do this--we take our money that WE would buy for gifts for our kids and it goes straight to 529 college plans for them.
Afterall, you can only control yourself in this world.

[MamaBug]

I have fought this fight and have finally just given in. I now buy less presents myself so that they are not overloaded. Poeple do feel that since they are the ones giving that you can't tell them what to give, and in some ways they are right, so I just do the best to keep things low key on my end which I can control

[beanma]

well, i agree that talking to the ILs is probably best. luckily for us, my ILs decided to draw names this year though they set a $50 limit which seemed really high to me, but at least it's something.

anyway, as a stop gap, i would suggest that at the present opening time, maybe you could stash some of the presents before he opens them. a lot of times my kids enjoy one thing that they're playing with and then sort of forget that they have more presents to open. if your ds is like this maybe you could just go with it and take some home unopened and then donate them before they even get opened. i agree that if he sees them open he's not going to forget, but _maybe_ if he doesn't get them all opened? alternately could some of the toys stay at the grands? we've done that in the past, but i don't know if it would work this year or not (dd1 is almost 5).

if you want to talk to the in-laws i'd start with saying something like, "ds/we are overwhelmed with a large amount of gifts and we're really trying to combat the commercialism and consumerism of the holidays and have decided to try to reduce the number of gifts and put the emphasis back on spending time with family and friends." maybe you could invite them to come over and make sugar cookies together or do something else that doesn't involve large quantities of plastic?

[kezia]

I see what people are saying about cutting back on our own gift-giving, but we've never given the kids lots of presents, anyway. Usually just one "big" gift per child, and some stocking stuffers. And I enjoy that part of it--I don't want to give it up entirely, just because the ILs overdo. And, the fact of the matter is that even if dh and I gave the kids NO presents, and my family gave the kids NO presents, 20+ presents per kid is just too much, IMO.

They get 1-2 gifts at home, 2-4 gifts from my family (my parents and 2 sibs), then we go to ILs, and they get 20+!!! I think some sort of talk is going to have to be had, either with the ILs, or with the kids, or both. I mean, ds is old enough now that he is going to start noticing that grandma x gives him 1 or 2 gifts and grandma y gives him 6 or 7.

[onlyzombiecat]

Since you've already tried the gentle ways I would have the blunt conversation. At that conversation, I would tell them that you can't accept more than four presents per kid from each of them. If there are more then the rest will have to be declined and not opened or brought home. You should tell your kids to pick out just four to open. Follow through firmly on that. If they still don't get it then don't spend Christmas with them.
Twenty presents per child is pretty ridiculous. Who has room to transport and store all of that? I have one child and if someone gave her that many presents it would be difficult to fit it all in the car and find places for it all when we got home or arrange to dispose of old toys or the new ones.

[srain]

Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat

Since you've already tried the gentle ways I would have the blunt conversation. At that conversation, I would tell them that you can't accept more than four presents per kid from each of them. If there are more then the rest will have to be declined and not opened or brought home. You should tell your kids to pick out just four to open. Follow through firmly on that. If they still don't get it then don't spend Christmas with them.

Yeah; if they're not going to respect your wishes, let them know what the outcome will be.

[teachma]

I admit to not having read this entire thread, but immediately, ideas other than tangible gifts come to mind. Mostly because my house is so small, but also because I don't believe in excess, I do not like to receive too many gift items for my children. When generous relatives express their intent to spend large sums of money on my children, I blatantly request things like swim lessons, art and music classes, and memberships to the local zoo and children's museum. These gifts are well used, they're more than a one-shot deal, and they don't take up space. Most of the relatives we have are happy to comply with this request!

[Greenie]

I don't remember who said it, but there was another thread, and the poster said that they have a 'ONE TOY RULE'. Everyone can get the kids as many art supplies, clothes, and books as they like, but only one toy. We're going to talk to everyone next year at Thanksgiving, just to start off on the right foot.

Last Christmas, my neices and nephews had SO MUCH STUFF! I never really got more than two or three presents. These kids got at least 20 each. It was absolutley ridiculous.

Maybe send an email with links in it, saying that these toys DC have seen and liked, and they can have. If they go against your wishes, at a time like this, they're putting the kids in the middle. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to you.

These are the forst Grandkids on my side of the family. Luckily, we were never big gift givers.

[lilylove]

Originally Posted by teachma

When generous relatives express their intent to spend large sums of money on my children, I blatantly request things like swim lessons, art and music classes, and memberships to the local zoo and children's museum. These gifts are well used, they're more than a one-shot deal, and they don't take up space. Most of the relatives we have are happy to comply with this request!

I think that is a wonderful idea

[mommyoftwo]

We come from a gift giving family too and my kids are the only grandchildren on both sides of the family. I have just been very direct about it. They have been to our houses and have seen the clutter. They are also all great with respecting how we choose to raise our kids.

Both sets of grandparents now donate a sum of money to their college funds each year. This is the most amazing thing-may not be instant gratification but they will so appreciate one day.

They each get to buy one gift for each kid and they are great about asking me if it is an appropriate one first. books are always welcome gifts as are arts supplies. My parents are also great about buying things like museum memberships and lessons instead of stuff.

Now if I could just stop my dad from bringing random gifts for them for no reason. He just gets so much joy out of surprising them with things. I don't mind too much but sometimes it feels like he is buying their affection and he doesn't have to-they both love him dearly and love spending time with him.