Would you get divorced over it?

[girl138]

I am losing my mind over this. I found out a few weeks ago that my husband and I are expecting a boy and ever since that moment I have been absolutely terrified of confronting my husband about it.

I can't even bear the idea of it and he is dead set on having the baby circumcized. He is usually the sweetest person, but when it comes to this he is "putting his foot down" and refuses to even listen to reason.

You have to take into consideration that we were both raised jewish, and he feels as though it is important in that respect.

The thing is, I just don't have faith anymore. When our daughter died this June i lost any and all faith that I ever had ... and I am so afraid of this procedure for our little peanut. what if something went wrong? i am so scared and i feel so alone. i don't understand how he could be willing to take this risk after everything that we have been through.

i know that this is going to be the end of us if i don't give in, and still i don't want to.

i just don't know what to say or do. he won't even hear me out.

[baybee]

Oh, Jenna, I was going to say something facetious like "you can always get another husband but circ is irreversible" but that wouldn't tell you how sorry I am that your daughter died. I know how scary the next pregnancy is and how you hold your breath, afraid to hope that a live baby will nurse at your breast.

Get your courage up and tell your husband how scared you are. He's scared, too, and you've been through so much together. I think pictures are the quickest, fastest way to convince people. Get the book "Just Say "No" to Circ". Show him the Jewish Circ website. Let him know that many wise Jewish people, including Alan Alda (actor), campaign for intact genitalia. He'd probably be impressed with the Doctors Opposing Circumcision website, too. Blessings to you,
Baybee

[QueenOfThePride]

You are due on my son's second birthday! I'm sorry you are in such a difficult spot. I can't imagine the grief you are going through after losing a child. If your DH won't hear you out, write him a note explaining how you feel, then he can't interrupt you. If it comes down to it, you can get a court order protecting your son from circumcision. It has happened before, I think Frank has information on that. I had to argue with DH a long time before he finally came around. DH just needed a lot of information to convince him to change his mind.

Listen to your gut instinct. If you have a bad feeling about something, don't do it to your child. There is no medical reason for circumcision. Your baby is depending on you to protect him.

[AngelBee]

I will be : for your family.

[Treasuremapper]

{{{mama}}} I'm so sorry for your loss of your baby girl.

My dh gave me a lot of grief over our first dd's name. He was a total horse's butt about it. He told me that he would choose the name by himself and not tell me the name until after the paperwork was done. He figured that I would be "out of it" right after the birth and that would give him the opportunity. We fought about this bitterly, as you can well imagine, for weeks -- torture for a pregnant woman, but not like facing circumcision.

Anyway, I got so upset that I called the hospital and found out that I could just put "unknown" or something like that for the father's name. In other words, if he continued to push his outrageous demand, I could just say he was not the father and that he had no right to fill out the paperwork. When I put it to him that way, dh backed down and admitted that the name he selected was one he knew I would hate. I did hate it -- it was a feminization of his nephew's name, chosen to please his mother. Not even a real name, a made up name with an ending. So it was even more horrible than you can imagine. He was willing to freak out his pregnant wife and do something totally bizarre to make his mother happy? Let's not even go there.

I'm not suggesting you do that, but it is something to remember. He has to prove that this baby is his son.

Would he really divorce you for not circumcising your son? If so, then he is really bullying you on this.

I admit that I do not understand the Jewish angle at all, plus I have two daughters, so I don't even understand the boy angle.

I hope it goes well.

[trmpetplaya]

's to you!

tell your dh your fears and that if your ds wants to be circ'd for religious reasons, he can always do it later in life when he's old enough to make both body modification and spiritual choices for himself.

love and peace.

[QueenOfThePride]

I wanted to give you support, and not freak you out at first, so I didn't answer the original question. Well, my answer would be yes. If the only way to protect my son from circumcision was to get a divorce, yes, I would get a divorce. Happily, it will rarely get to that point for any couple. You two have a long time to talk about it. Also, don't let your families gang up on you. If they are Jewish, like you said, don't even bring it up to them.

[eightyferrettoes]

You've got awhile to "work" on him before things get as drastic as divorce.

In my state, if you are married, you MUST put your husband's name on the birth certificate, even if you (and he!) say it's not biologically his kid. It's an archaic law written in the days before DNA testing, but still very much in effect.

If he's pushing for a hospital circ, you are the one in control there. The father doesn't get to do anything with the babe without your say-so until you guys get the certificate and leave the hospital.

As far as his finding a mohel, I'd do some research on whether a mohel will or can do a circ over the mother's objections. Although nothing prevents your DH from from scheduling a circ appointment with a doctor's office after the birth. But the longer you can delay this, the harder it is to get it done.

In the end, knowing what I do now, I WOULD divorce over circumcision. I couldn't stay with a man who insisted on cutting off part of my baby for no good reason... not only would it permanently damage my baby, it would also poison our marriage.

But it's not easy to leave a man when you are newly postpartum or pregnant. Luckily, you have some time to work with until then.

Hang in there, mama. Give your DH information, talk to him about your faith (or lack thereof), get to the bottom of what he believes and why. Sometimes, there is no resolving religious issues within a marriage. And sometimes you can agree to disagree.

But sometimes, you can't.

[Daisyuk]

Yes. No question. There is no way that I would even WANT to stay married to a man that would force me to do that to my child.

Listen to your instincts, they are there for a reason, there are so many mothers in the sticky regretting what they did, please don't let the next be you...

There was another Jewish mother, called Sommer, who felt the same way earlier this year, she was having nightmares about the Bris, and the whole family ganged up on her, so she let it go ahead.

Here is her story:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=286940

And how she felt after she allowed it to happen:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=319269

I hope that you manage to resolve things before they get to the divorce stage though, it must be rotten to be in such a state when it should be such a time of joy.

[eightyferrettoes]

I remember that poster, and was just thinking of her and her babe.

[trmpetplaya]

wanted to add:

I would divorce over it because it's abuse IMO... hopefully it won't get to that point for you though....

love and peace.

[RubyWild]

I don't see how divorcing your husband is going to solve the problem. A divorced man could still get his son circumcized without your consent, right? You're going to have to talk to him, educate him about the procedure, and hope you can bring him around.

[rmzbm]

I am so sorry for your loss...
No, I wouldn't divorce over it. Take my son's father away & shake up everyones life over this?? No. I also wouldn't circ. By divorcing you're also making it easier for him. As long as my baby doesn't leave me - he stays intact.

[Quirky]

Oh Jenna, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Jordanna. I just looked at your memorial website and she was the most enchanting little girl! My heart is breaking for you.

I cannot even fathom the pain you are going through, having lost your daughter and now facing your dh on the circ issue. Have you sat down and talked to him about it, not trying to change his mind per se but just letting it all pour out about how you feel about circumcision and about protecting your baby boy on the way?

I don't think divorce is going to prevent your son from being circed if your dh is bound and determined to do it- sadly it has happened that a father who was never even married to the boy's mother was able to get a court to deny a motion for a protective order to prevent him being circumcised. The courts are really not going to step in where it's a question of religious practice, too.

That doesn't mean you can't let your dh know how serious you are about the issue, but I think the best bet is clearly communicating to him how strongly you feel about it, and making him read the research about it, and letting him know he does not have the right and your permission to harm your newborn baby.

I am so sorry you are facing this horribly traumatic issue. No one should ever have to face this pressure on top of the loss of a child.

[mattemma04]

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[mattemma04]

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[njeb]

Here's a website for you: www.jewsagainstcircumcision.org.

[calngavinsmom]

s to you Momma! Both for your lost babe and the turmoil that your family is in now concerning your baby-boy-to-be. It should be such a happy time for you, expecting a son and like many others it is tainted by the pressure from your dh concerning circumcision . I really wish it just wasn't an option.

In regards to your question, no I would not initiate a divorce over circumcision. I would never allow it to happen(circumcision) to a son of mine but if my dh was that adament that he would be circumcised that he would divorce me, so be it. If he had so little respect for me that he would leave me because of a compelling need to put a scar on my child, I wouldn't want him to be in my life anyway.

If there is any way you think you could reach him, let us know. There are plenty of resources in the sticky "Web Resources" at the top of the forum that might strike a chord with him. If he has any specific concerns that we could help you find resources to adress, please ask. You have tons of support here.

Take care,
Tara

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[LoveChild421]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this after your loss. he should at least have enough respect for you to hear your opinion and consider it. Maybe you could write him a letter? sometimes that works better with my dp. Include the reasons you simply cannot have this done to your son.

Does he want to have it done in the hospital? I've had friends say the had it done b/c they are Jewish and yet did they have a bris? no. they had it done in the hospital which hold no religious meaning whatsoever.

to answer your question, yes I would get divorced over it. I would give my life to protect my son from the extreme pain and lifelong sexual damage of circumcision. I could not live or love someone who wanted to mutilate my son- I would have no choice but to leave.

I would tell my husband that he had to choose- did he want me to stay and have in intact son or did he want us to leave?

[TigerTail]

Originally Posted by calngavinsmom

:
In regards to your question, no I would not initiate a divorce over circumcision. I would never allow it to happen(circumcision) to a son of mine but if my dh was that adament that he would be circumcised that he would divorce me, so be it.
:

:

and ps- my dh is also jewish. he didn't stop being jewish when he refused to get our sons cut. my sons are still jewish in the bosom of our extended family, gentile mama or not. let him know this doesn't have to be this way.