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Would you get divorced over it? - Page 5

post #81 of 96
You may want to put in writing to the persons who may possibly perform the circumcision that you DO NOT CONSENT to having the surgery performed on your son. You have to use those words. Even if you are planning a homebirth, carry copies with you if you get transferred and hand them to everyone, especially the director of pediatrics or neonatology. A bunch of things I did not consent to happened to my first daughter and they said that was because the pediatricians never got my birth plan and it did not say "I do not consent to _____". (note they used two excuses, which makes me think they were both b.s., but still)

Good luck. I'm glad he is acting like himself again.
post #82 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by girl138
oh - and i said somewhere in this mess that i do not want a divorce nor would i ever ask for one. i was told BY MY HUSBAND that if i didn't allow a circumcision to APPEASE HIS FAMILY then we would end up divorced.
If your husband is willing to divorce you over this, I find that sad and disturbing. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
post #83 of 96
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post #84 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by inezyv
Even if you are planning a homebirth, carry copies with you if you get transferred and hand them to everyone, especially the director of pediatrics or neonatology.
This is where having a doula really gave me peace of mind during my labor and delivery. Just knowing she was there to run interference allowed me to focus on the birth, w/o worrying who had or needed or read copies of my birth plan.
I highly recommend a doula, not just for the circ thing but for thepeace of mind all around.
Hope all goes well for you!
Jen
post #85 of 96
To answer the OP's question: YES, I would and I did (wasn't the only issue we had, but the circ fight was definitely the nail in the coffin)

It was the best decision I ever made. What finally made up my mind was this thought: "would I rather split up now because I'm not circ'ing, or split up later because I hate him for circ'ing?" either way, I knew we were doomed - might as well protect my son, you know?

But that was just my personal decision.
post #86 of 96
I'd probably have to divorce my husband.
post #87 of 96
I actually don't think the circumcision issue per se is what would "justify" divorce - but the bullying, the conformity, the willingness to cause permanent damage to avoid familial conflict, the implied insecurity, the poor communication, the lack of considerateness, etc. would. Those are all signals of major problems in the relationship.
post #88 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arwyn
I actually don't think the circumcision issue per se is what would "justify" divorce - but the bullying, the conformity, the willingness to cause permanent damage to avoid familial conflict, the implied insecurity, the poor communication, the lack of considerateness, etc. would. Those are all signals of major problems in the relationship.
This is EXACTLY it for me. When I realized that my "partner" didn't respect my views or the rights of our son enough to even DISCUSS it, I knew our relationship wasn't worth saving. I think it would have been different if he was willing to read and watch and think about the info out there and then have an honest discussion - AND THEN still disagreed with me (I still wouldn't circ, but it wouldn't have created such hostility, IMO)

The "I'm the man with the penis and my word is law" crap is what infuriates me.
post #89 of 96
OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

As it happens, my dh became a rabid anti-circer after we did our research on the subject, but one thing I was thinking of doing if he pulled out the "my parents will freak" argument was to talk to his parents directly. I think it's important for the other people who might be involved in a circ against your will do understand that you DO NOT CONSENT, and that the action would destroy your marriage. Your dh's parents aren't stupid. They know that you will get custody of a newborn, and that their role in the child's life would be seriously diminished. I think it's entirely possible that even if they are very pro-circ, they are even more pro-marriage for you and your dh. They have years of experience raising kids and being married, after all. They know that divorce would be terrible for all three of you.

The whole issue may just blow over. Circ is often a very nasty fight, and nobody wants to admit that they went over the edge defending their views. Eventually your mother or MIL will ask about a bris, and at that point I would have a brit shalom planned already and just tell them about that. It would be more fair for your husband to handle his family, but it may fall to you and it is just the first of many times you will run interference as your son's #1 advocate.
post #90 of 96
I hope all the links have helped to change your hubby's mind. I haven't read all the replies so maybe this came up. But you mentioned that your husband's reason for wanting to circ was "my family will freak if we don't." Do you think it's possible that members of his family have made comments to him - comments along the lines that he'll be hurting his son if he doesn't choose to circ? Since it is a religious thing, perhaps the implication is there that your baby will be hurt spiritually - and thus your husband's desire to circ is also because he wants the best for his child, and he wants him to be safe in all respects.

I hope that the links you were given can help change your dh's mind and help him realize there are ways to celebrate your son without the traditional bris.

I know both of you must have so much fear and apprehension within you after the pain that you're experiencing with the loss of your daughter. I'm just wondering if his response is coming more from fear and pain than deep conviction or desire to control...My prayers are with you mama as you go through your pregnancy and birth your son.
post #91 of 96
Oh, sweetie... I just read your memorial page and I'm still crying. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling.

In answer to the question... it seems that maybe more is going here besides the circ issue? I personally wouldn't stay married to someone who was so forceful as to relentlessly demand a circ, but for many reasons. Have you and your dh gone to grief counseling together? Maybe something like that could help you two get back to being focused on eachother and really understanding eachother. Hopefully, with that help, the circ issue will be easier to work out. Good luck.
post #92 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by craftykitty
Oh, sweetie... I just read your memorial page and I'm still crying. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling.

In answer to the question... it seems that maybe more is going here besides the circ issue? I personally wouldn't stay married to someone who was so forceful as to relentlessly demand a circ, but for many reasons. Have you and your dh gone to grief counseling together? Maybe something like that could help you two get back to being focused on eachother and really understanding eachother. Hopefully, with that help, the circ issue will be easier to work out. Good luck.
: Also, have you checked out the grief & loss forum here at MDC? It might have some helpful advice about how to get through the grief.
I also want to second the advice about talking to a counselor. It can help you immensely.
I never answered your op because I don't know how I'd react. I was lucky; my dh had no objections to leaving our ds intact.
post #93 of 96
Mama, how are you doing?
post #94 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A
Just FYI, she lost her toddler, not a pregnancy.

Mama, how are you doing?
Oh, noooo! Thanks for the info. I'll go edit my post.
post #95 of 96
OP - I just read Jordana's memorial. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. We found my DD unconcious in the pool when she was 2.5 yrs. Thankfully, she survived, but I wanted to pass along my most heartfelt condolences to you and your DH. I can't imagine having the strength to go on if our outcome had been different. I think grief counselling as a couple is a must, if you haven't already started.


As far as the original question, yes, I would let my DH divorce me over it. Like many others have mentioned, the day DH stops listening to what I have to say and research something that I find so very important, would the beginning of the end. If we can't communicate w/ each other and listen to what each other has to say, especially regarding something painful and permanent to our child, what kind of relationship do we have?
post #96 of 96
girl138, I've been thinking about you. How are you and your DH doing?
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