Not sure how to handle this - stranger safety

[oceanbaby]

First of all, let me say that I have read Protecting the Gift and loved it. It reaffirmed everything I believed about child safety, intuition, etc. I do my best to encourage ds to stand up for his boundaries and trust his gut feelings about people. But he's gotten extremely friendly and social with strangers lately, and we've run into a few incidents that I wasn't sure how to handle, if at all.

For instance, we went to a homeschool gathering at a local park. It was the first time ds1 came to this group, and there were a lot of people there. Ds1 was digging in the sand with another little boy that he met, and a man walked by, offering the boy some grapes. He then offered some to my ds, who said no. Now, I had pieced together that this man was the boy's father, but I'm pretty sure that ds didn't know that at the time. I could see that ds had an appropriately wary initial reaction to an adult he didn't know offering him food, but it occured to me that it might be a good idea to say something to ds about strangers approaching him.

But I'm not really sure what to say, as I certainly don't believe in the whole "don't talk to strangers" thing. But considering his proclivity lately to walk up to total strangers on the sidewalk and start engaging in conversation with them, I feel like it may be appropriate for me talk with him about not all people being nice, or something like that. I'm just not sure.

[Mamma Mia]

IIRC you live in a big city, as do I. This comes up a lot for me. I enjoy that my daughter engages with strangers on the bus and is nurtured by the different people she sees around. Even when I disagree, like if someone tells her something I don't like. I don't want to shut them down, I just explain to her after that I disagree and why. Sometimes I explain to the person why I disagree, but in a friendly way. I think sometimes living in a big city is much more like living in a village than living in the 'burbs where there is so much personal space and reservation.

I don't know where to draw the line. She's almost always pretty close to me and has allergies, so rejects offered food even from acquaintances. I don't want her to be afraid and I don't want her to miss out on positive experiences with new people. I'll be following this thread to see what others think.

[oceanbaby]

Yep, we live in a big city, so there are many opportunities for interactions with, ummm, interesting people.

[eilonwy]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

But I'm not really sure what to say, as I certainly don't believe in the whole "don't talk to strangers" thing. But considering his proclivity lately to walk up to total strangers on the sidewalk and start engaging in conversation with them, I feel like it may be appropriate for me talk with him about not all people being nice, or something like that. I'm just not sure.

I'm curious-- have you ever seen your child have a negative or neutral reaction to people on the street? Or stopped to think about why he chose to talk to person A rather than person B? If it's not obvious to you, you might want to ask him.

I used to worry about this with my son, who is *extremely* extroverted and socially adept. He talks to lots and lots of people, but I've also noticed that there are people he will not talk to, and I think that it has much more to do with his own comfort level than with mine. For example: when we're all out as a family, he's extremely wary of single men (men who are alone) who want to talk to his sister. He will interpose himself between any man and his sister and say something like, "That's my sister, not yours. Leave her alone!" or "Go talk to your own children!" If the man is not actively approaching his sister, but she is approaching him, BeanBean will stand next to his sister and slightly forward; I've seen him drop activities that he was very interested in and really enjoying just to make sure that she was protected. Despite the fact that he's a happy, relaxed, outgoing little fellow you can see the dark cloud crossing his face when someone tries to interact with his sister. It's truly amazing to watch!

I've also seen him walk away from people on his own, and establish his personal space firmly with strangers, adults and kids alike. When he started swimming lessons and the instructor tried to help him swim away from the wall by taking his hands, he shouted, "DON'T TOUCH ME, I AM PRIVATE!!!" He was very uncomfortable being touched by a stranger in a new situation, and he had no trouble letting her know that. Last summer I took the kids to see 4th of July fireworks and a strange woman came and asked me if she could take pictures of my kids. After I told her no, she leaned down and said to BeanBean, "You're such a handsome little guy!" Normally when people say this to him, he smiles and bats his eyelashes a bit; this time, he frowned and ran behind me to hide. He didn't like the vibe that he got from her, and had no trouble asserting himself.

I guess what I'm saying is this: Watch your son a bit more closely, not only the people that he's interacting with but the people that he's actively avoiding. If you can't tell, ask him; you might get some startling replies.

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

I don't go for the whole never talk to strangers thing either. Our rule is never, ever, go anywhere with anyone without permition from me or dad. Not all strangers are dangerous, and not all dangerous people are strangers.