anyone else with a nicu experience

[babycarrier]

I don't have the mental energy to add too many details of our birth experience right now.
We did end up in the NICU for 1 week after an epidural free hospital childbirth.

I couldn't nurse after birth....they didn't let him have anything in his tummy for 24 hours, ivs full of who knows what, hep b vax (i was bamboozled...they told me I had to sign this form before they could transfer him to the NICU. I looked at it a couple weeks back and yes I had to sign it but I had the option to check the big box next to the NO!) oh my, and the worst part is my little boy cried. oh did he cry. and I am left with the worst momma on the planet feelings.

they put him in an oxygen tent and I could only touch his toes/foot. i had him at 4am and I don't think I was in the nursery with him until almost 7. Dunno? I think I was in shock. I remember just being in bed thinking I just had a baby. Where is my baby? and I could not reconcile that.

We are now attached by the boob most of the time. And when he is not on me/with me, he is with dh. It is been 3 months and I am starting to think about the hospital more than I would like. Thanks for reading while I work on processing this.

[liberal_chick]

My 30 weeker was in the NICU for 7 weeks, which included a surgery. It was really touch and go for a while and we, in all honesty, are VERY, VERY blessed that he's alive at all.

He's been home since the first of July and I still think about the hospital. It was a huge part of our lives for 17 weeks (I was there for 10 in addition to ds' 7 weeks) and not one that I can just forget about. It was horrible. It was traumatic. I was never able to establish breastfeeding b/c my body failed to carry a pregnancy the way it was supposed to. But I digress.

One thing that, I feel, is going to help me is obtaining our medical records and going through them. I want to read the things the docs didn't tell me about ds' condition. Combined, we have about 500 pages of records coming from the hospital.

The NICU is a tiugh experience and one that doesn't occur w/o leaving some scars. Hugs to you.

M.

[Brinda]

All three of mine were in the NICU, my son the longest. He was a 31 weeker and he stayed for 4 weeks. We had a positive experience, though. I went in everyday (hospital is an hour away) and tried to breastfeed. Mostly he was tube-fed, though. They called me after 2 weeks to come get him, but called me back to say they had lost and revived him, so he'd have to stay. I got more info when I got there. He had reflux, and one of the nurses placed him on his back. Problem is, he couldn't turn his head and choked on his reflux. I have never been more angry, they knew he had reflux. He wasn't on his back anymore, though.

I'm more worried about this baby, though. I just hit 14 weeks, and the docs are telling me that with my history and problems, we could be expecting a 24 weeker. Hoping big-time that doesn't happen!

[danav]

Noah was in NICU for 4 days. He was born at a free standing birth center, was a surprise breech, and required resucitation at birth. They did this out in the hall because that's where the equipment was, so I didn't even SEE him for 45 minutes after his birth - as he came out all I saw was a limp, gray body as the midwife scooped him up and rushed out of the room to the bassinet in the hall. I couldn't even see his face. When he was finally stabilized, they brought him back into the room for me to hold him for about 5 minutes before they took him down the street to the Children's Hospital. He was screaming (which was good - it took a while to get him to breathe on his own!), and when they handed him to me he was immediately calm and quiet. That was pretty cool. But I was in total shock about what had just occurred and was really not processing much of anything. I do remember begging the neonatologist to make sure no one gave him a bottle of anything at the hospital (and later saw that he did indeed write orders in huge letters on Noah's chart for "No bottles - cup or finger feed only until able to breastfeed").

DH followed the ambulance to the hospital while I stayed at the birth center. Noah was born at 10:16 pm, went to the hospital a little after 11 pm, and I was not able to get up there to see him until after 10 the next morning (that night was horribly surreal laying there with an empty womb and no baby in my arms)...I walked up to NICU by myself while DH parked the car, and I felt terribly disoriented not knowing the correct "procedure" to get into the unit, and then looking around for my baby among all the other beds. When I finally saw him I just burst out in tears and the nurse gave me a funny look - I could barely choke out "I haven't seen him since he was born 12 hours ago!!".

The NICU staff was great, but for those 4 days it did NOT feel like he was MY baby. I could only see him during certain hours (they made us leave during shift changes), there was no place for me to rest aside from a hard wooden rocking chair beside his bed and equally uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room. I was not allowed to nurse him for about 36 hours and I was terrified that we would have breastfeeding problems because of that...but thank the Lord he latched right on like a pro when we finally got the ok to try, and he never had a bottle or anything other than the breast. I slept in the waiting room (since there was no place to lay down in the unit), and they would come wake me every 3 hours to feed him. During the day I sat and held him in the rocking chair or camped out in the "nursing room" just so I could be alone with him.

He was finally ready to go home on the 4th day, but that was delayed until evening because he had developed jaundice and they had to make sure the phototherapy was starting to work. Then they had a home health person bring us a phototherapy lamp to take home, and both of us were appalled to see it was essentially a suitcase that we were supposed to lay our baby in around the clock (except when nursing) and we refused to take it. The home health person bend over backwards (after 5 pm) to arrange a bili-blanket instead, even though one of the docs advised against it saying it wouldn't work (which it did, by the way...his levels were normal after the weekend).

The whole experience was just surreal and SO not what I was expecting...we were home in our own bed hours after my first baby was born, and she never left my presence until after she was 6 months old! The immediate forced separation devastated me and did affect bonding. It was a few days after we got home that my attachment to my baby finally kicked in - he was sleeping on our bed and I was in the living room, when it suddenly hit me how much I MISSED him and I was overcome with the need to hold him RIGHT NOW. I ran to the bedroom, scooped him up, and just cried because it finally felt the way it was supposed to. Before that moment I would actually forget sometimes that he was there, and I felt like a monster when that happened!

It took a little while to grieve through his birth experience. My wonderful doula (who had had a NICU baby herself) helped me realize I needed to accept his birth, all of it, as the story of HIS birth even though it wasn't what I had planned. Everything that happened is his story, and I needed to be able to embrace that rather than try to stuff it down inside. With that advice and lots of grace and strength from the Lord, I healed eventually. I know that we are truly blessed that Noah is healthy and safe...he was really "ok" in the NICU, while I saw other parents sitting beside their tiny preemies and gravely sick babies who had been there 3 months already. I got to bring my baby home, without monitors, oxygen, feeding tubes, or special needs after only 4 days.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now...let yourself grieve for the birth experience that you lost. Cry and let yourself hurt and let yourself feel angry if you need to. Write out your baby's birth story if you haven't already, and maybe have others write out their versions of it as well. That helps get all the thoughts and feelings "out there" and organized in your head, to get them on paper. Like a previous poster, I also went to the hospital and got copies of Noah's chart - I just felt the need to read what had happened to him every moment of his time there since I missed so much of it. Then try to focus on letting those negative feelings go, accept that you can't change what has happened, but that you can move on and enjoy what you have now, and perhaps one day you can draw on your own experience to offer comfort, understanding, and help with healing to another mom going through a similar experience.

God bless - s

[orangebird]

I've never had a baby in the nicu, but I've been a nurse in a nicu for 7 years. If you have any questions about things that were done that you still aren't sure about please feel free to ask me anything. You can feel free to PM me too. NICU is a terrifying experience for parents as it is, I hate to think you have unresolved issues and questions. I would love to help you process whatever you are still concerned about

[wombat]

My 6w ds was in the NICU for 1 week too. It is horrifying. We were a HBAC that turned into a hospital VBAC with forceps, shoulder dystocia etc. He was also not allowed anything by mouth for the first 24 hours due to respiratory issues - not major but NICU doctors are very cautious. He got IV antibiotics while they waited 48 hrs for his blood cultures to come back (they were negative but NICU docs are cautious). I knew this hospital had a Hep B vax policy at birth so I'd prepared my dh for this and he followed dh to NICU and made it clear to them there was to be no Hep B vax. Then his jaundice was severe cause he was almost a month early and very bruised. The jaundice was what kept him in there so long and really disrupted the breastfeeding. One blessing for us was this NICU was so busy, ds kept getting booted out to lower level NICUs (they had 3 levels). Eventually he was just on phototherapy, no IVs and stable body temp so they took pity on me (who refused to go home and was sleeping in the parent's lounge) and they also wanted to free up a NICU bed so they put both of us in a pediatric ward where he was still technically a NICU patient and the NICU nurses monitored him but I could have full time care of him. Can't say it was a good experience but I'm thankful for that time cause all I had to do was rest, try to nurse him (was hard going at first) and pump (cause he wasn't nursing well) and eat. I don't think I could have managed that routine so well at home with dh and my 2 yo.

I also wonder at a lot of the things they did. Blood cultures for suspected sepsis when I'd had 4 doses of antibiotics for GBS during labor? He was hypoglycemic, had trouble breathing and his first Apgar was about 1 or 2 and maybe that's indicative of sepsis? I don't know. Then some Dr. went and put him on TPN (IV nutrition) which majorly pissed me off as she'd just pressured me into giving him some pumped colustrum/milk in a nipple (I can't believe this is necessary??) to check he could suck/swallow/breathe at the same time. Whenever I questioned anything, I got a 'look' from the staff and a "well you know he had a very stressful birth". He was really bruised and swollen at first but it's not like I deliberately beat him up with my pelvis, you know... they were not impressed with my HBAC or eventual VBAC I think.

Know what you mean about being in shock and lying in bed thinking you just had a baby and where was he! I had a shared room and it was awful cause the woman next to me had her baby in the room and I was utterly miserable knowing mine was back in the NICU and I was physically too ill and in pain to sit for long in a chair in the NICU with him for the first 2 days. I got to 'visit' him but it's not the same. To make it worse, my roommate would SEND HER BABY TO THE DAMN NURSERY. I seriously wanted to slap her for that. I kept trying to remind myself I was lucky I had a baby cause I can't help thinking about moms whose babies had died and how much harder it must be for them. At least I knew my ds would get out of the NICU. After seeing some of those really small babies in the NICU, I kept trying to feel thankful. But it was a very hard week.

We were lucky, after several weeks of supplementing with EBM, ds was nursing exclusively. My dd got severe nipple preference (that's another story) but thankfully my ds was one of those babies that can switch back and forth.

[Lousli]

My daughter is 11 months old, and I'm still processing her birth and NICU time (23 days). There's a thread here about support for preemie/NICU and if you search NICU you should find it. There are a lot of mamas here that can offer support.

[sweetpeasmom]

Mine was born 14 mths ago and spent 102 days in the NICU. I'm still dealing with issues from time to time, it's not an easy ordeal for sure.
((HUGS))

[babycarrier]

Thank you all for sharing. I'm off to check the NICU thread. I had not even thought of MDC as a resource for this but I have not had a real clear head about the whole thing anyway.
It has been validating to hear others experiences. Off to read more.

[justmama]

My dd was born at 34weeks due to PPROM and spent a difficult 11days in the NICU. Our stay there included two separate rounds of antibiotics, sepsis, spinal tap, many iv's, NG feeds until day 8 of life, 2 EKG's, chest x-ray, and the constant blood gases and iron checks and monitoring that goes along with NICU stays. My water broke at 33 weeks and I stayed on hospital bedrest until my induction at 34weeks and had a drug-free hospital birth. I got the requisite antibiotic iv for the week my water was broken before I delivered plus the steriod injections to mature her lungs(man those things BURN!). It was awful! I remember watching other mama's hold and nurse their babies on the Mother-Baby Unit where we all went after delivery. I remember watching other mama's leave the hospital with their babies and try to put the car seat into the car while their hubby stuffs in baskets of flowers. I remember the round-the-clock pumping, trying to get every single drop of that liquid gold for my sick little girl. I remember leaving my house at midnight, trying to get to the hospital for the 1am feeding only to have the nurse tell me that they NG fed her because she seemed too sleepy to wake up for her mama. I rmeember the 3x daily trips back and forth to the hospital. I remember big sister crying daily because she wanted so badly to meet her baby sister and she couldn't because she wasn't old enough to go into the NICU and saying, "but mama, I'm 4 1/2. that's almost 5!" I wish I'd lied about her age. I remember staring at the diaper bag packed and sitting in the car waiting to be used after I delivered and still didn't have a baby. My body just ached to hold her, day and night. My older dd couldn't understand why mama cried so much. My husband just sat by quietly knowing he couldn't do anything even though he'd reassured me so many times that she was in the best of hands there. The worst part is havign your baby lay there covered in tubes and wires and not being allowed to touch her because "it's too much stimulation." Her heartrate jumps up when she's touched, probably because she just had a spinal tap and she's terrified and in pain, but you still can't touch her or hold her or nurse her. I am so scared to have another baby. I don't think I could go through another NICU stay. Ours was short but horrific. Each day was terrifying and it was touch and go for a while there. And then we came home on an apnea monitor. And I'd lay awake for hours watching those blinking green lights and waiting for that red light and that loud beeping that told me my baby wasn't breathing and her heartrate was slowing down. And then when it happened, there was the waiting to see if she self-corrected and then when she didn't, the panic sets in as you tap her toes and rub her chest. When she begins breathing again, you relax for a minute and then realize that it's happened too many times today and you need to call the neonatologist but you wonder if you should because she could be headed back there. And then you feel like a horrible mother. And we had to go back in 3 weeks later to be hospitalized with RSV. BACK on oxygen, BACK on TPN, BACK to NG feeds, BACK to no stimulation, BACK to those long car rides 3 times a day or more, BACK to those sleepless nights. I was a wreck. It's no wonder I won't leave her side to this day(10 1/2months postpartum). Everytime she gets sick I panic that it's going to put her back in the hospital. I don't think any parent leaves ANY NICU experience without a few gray hairs and at least a few emotional scars. Sara's head nurse was absolutely amazing and I can't even tell you how many times I walked in to see Miss Angela standing at Sara's isolette talking to her and holding her once she was off minimal stim. But it was still the worst experience I've ever been through. Not to mention the loss of my perfect birth experience. A lot of people scoff at that but I really think it's a huge sense of loss. You feel betrayed by your own body and it's ability to carry a baby to term and birth that baby. You feel completely out of control in the whole situation and that's scary. I really dont' know if I can put myself through that again. Statistically, once you have a preterm birth, you have a higher chance of having another. Do I really want to risk it?????

Meg

[wannabe]

nak

SCN here, not NICU, but oh, the crying! I still can't watcg video dh took when they were admitting her. No hep B, but formula supps.

So sad and horrible - hug that baby tight!

[happyblessedmama]

my NICU baby's first birthday was today. It is amazing the difference a year makes. If I could've known then what I experience today with my DD it would have been so much easier.

NICU was the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. Awful. We were a birth-center-transfer to hospital birth and DD had meconium aspiration at birth (or in utero)...

She was in for 12 days. Didn't get to hold her til day 7 because she was on a vent. Then she developed PPHN and subsequently had nursing difficulties (we persevered though... I wanted to quit but DH said try one more time, and she got it - this was after days).

I was shell shocked after discharge. Just glad to get a living baby HOME. A few months out, I thought about the hospital a lot. I did get our medical records. Reading my L&D records was somewhat helpful. I read DD's full med chart every day so I don't need to have that one.

One thing that bothers me is all the cxrs she received. I know it was "necessary" to monitor her progress - I just hate that she had so much radiation exposure. I had to tell the staff to shield her reproductive organs... you'd think in a NICU they would routinely do that? I just hope they didn't xray the heck out of her before I caught them doing that.

[babycarrier]

It happened again today where I wake up and lie there and think about this while everyone else sleeps. Ds was 10.1 lbs at birth and aspirated meconium and then we were told was GBS Positive and going to be very sick. But then the next nurse told me blood work showed an infection but not necessarily gbs. then the next doctor came and woke me in the family room to talk about doing a spinal tap. I said I wanted to call dh and talk about it with him and she pretty much told me she was being "nice" in talking about it with me and it didn't matter what I said because she was going to do it. Oh my goodness. She left me in that room and said she would help me get some ice for my tear and be back to talk to me. She came back some time later and I was still standing in the middle of the room just in shock. SHe told me the procedure went well and he would be resting for a while from the Ativan. OH MY GOODNESS.
I know they are ultra conservative in there and all but that was just deceptive. I was the crazy mom that wouldn't leave the hospital much. I didn't sleep there the first night because I just didn't know what to do. And now I feel like how could I not have run to the hospital. How did I let them transfer my baby and he went without me. Oh. My. Goodness.
As someone else wrote about the protocol, it was so awkward - when can I see my baby. Can I hold my baby? Can I nurse my baby? Can I change his diaper? I could hold him, with assistance because of his ART line, I could nurse him after 24 or 48 hours but the spinal tap doc didn't want that to happen until we knew he could take a bottle - what!!!!! No, someone changed that order because I pretty much just nursed him anyway and that was fine. Not one nurse knew what the supplemental nursing system was? I didn't know how to use one but I'm glad I knew what it was to ask for it.
Some nurses were wonderful and worked through learning it with me others thought it would just be easier to do the bottle. I kept trying. My little guy got way more formula than I ever thought he would have in just a few days. My milk was slow to come in and this guy was hungry....he would nurse for an hour and then take 60ccs of formula. I hated giving it to him but I hated the thought that he might be hungry and that seemed like something I could help him with. So I held him and cried through the bottles.
And then in the middle of the night one night, I started singing to him. And he really responded. Oh - I have so many other thoughts and I am just looking for a safe place to get them out. Even the retelling helps organize it in my mind and in my heart. Thanks for making this a safe space. Off to build train tracks....little bits at a time.

[mammafish78]

at 42 week pregnancy my son spent a week in NICU in a hospital he was flown to an hour away.
i had to stay in the hospital where i delivered for 2 days before i could go see my baby.

once i got to the NICU i never left, well i did for shift change and that was it! i took care of him as the nurse would. i would monitor his temp taking it every hour or so. change him, wash him, you name it. the only thing i didnt do was mess with his tubes or iv.

[litlwons]

My little one was born 08/11/05 at 31 weeks. I had an abruption, which thank goodness they didn't know about until after his vaginal birth. My pregnancies are hard to come by and difficult. My little one spent 5 weeks in the NICU. Although a horribly emotional time, the care given to him was wonderful. I spent every moment I could there.Taking care ofall his needs that I could, he was so little. I itroduced the breast early and am happy to say we exclusivly BF from the day he came home.
I loved the nurses so much, I am now thinking about going back to school to become one. I wish it didn't happen, but now that it is over, I have mostly positive feelings.

[onlyboys]

Just wanted to let you know that my first son, who I did not hold or nurse until he was 12ish days old, is 9.5 years old. He's a very attached child, very sweet, kind, loving and peaceful. I did not do enough to protect him from the horrors (yes, there were many, including what your story includes, including things that I signed off on) and while I am still recovering from trauma, he is well-adjusted about it all.

Much light to you.

[clothdipemomof2boy]

our experience

My pregnancy was rough I had placenta previa and clotted the whole time the size of grapefruits. when they took me in (I was in the hospital for a month before the birth) they gave me a epidutal well it didnt work well actually it fell out. which is ok i didnt want one they told me i should get one to relax i didnt need the stress to make me bleed more. well i had Jacob and he was blue he didnt cry the whole time his apgars (I think that is how you spell it) were low and they rushed him into nicu then i had to have a hysterectomy because i lost five litters of blood and your body only carries 6 so i was pretty much gone. I had DIC and my kidneys shut down as well as they had to put me in a medically induced coma for two days and keep me on a resperator ugh! So I was in MICU till they transfored me to ICU I guess that is a step up I didnt get to see my baby for two weeks. but that is our experience and it didnt stop there but i dont think you want to hear all of it it is long!!!

[BookGoddess]

DD was induced at 37 weeks because of blood pressure issues I developed in the third trimester. It was a pretty traumatic birth so it was no wonder her Agpar scores were very low and she needed extra oxygen. She spent 3 days in the NICU then got to room with me. , I felt so miserable and lonely in my room during those first 3 days. All the other moms had new babies in their rooms they could hold, feed, diaper and I was without one.

The NICU staff were great though. They really promote breastfeeding at the hospital I delivered at. Plus, they encouraged all our family to visit DD at any time of the day and we did. DH would pop by late at night for a visit and they would let him hold her. He spent almost all the nights in my room in a most uncomfortable reclining chair. I have photos of DD in the NICU and it's surreal to see her hooked up to all these machines. I'm just so thankful she's home and ok. No one looking at her would realize what a traumatic first week she had.

[atozmama]

My son was born, induced for a failed NST, at 41 weeks. He ended up in the NICU for 4 days. Until then I had thought that NICU was only for premature babies. It took us 3 weeks to learn how to breastfeed. It took me a good month or so before I felt that he was my baby, that I was not just the nanny waiting for the real parents to show up. it took a while to work through everything - the dissappointing birth experience, the NICU stay and the whole parenthood thing with the help of a good conselor who specializes in postpartum stress/depression issues.

[doula and mom]

<hugs> I think a NICU experience can be a long term process for mom to deal with.

My twins were in there for 10 days. Luckily, it was a very family-friendly NICU, we only had to leave if/when another baby in there needed to be resuscitated .

One thing I was adamant about was no pacifiers, but of course the NICU nurses ignored my wishes. It was really difficult for me to find my "voice" of assertiveness, since these were my first children, for me to say, "I am their mother, and I do not want them given pacifiers at any time!" That was actually a kind of empowering experience for me.