Why are they trying to scare me?

[grace's voice]

I had a PERFECT planned HB with dd. My family wasn't happy when they found out I changed from birth center to HB during the last month. As soon as the baby was born they started saying "you'd better have the next baby in the hospital." They only logic I've gotten for this is "because my birth was so fast." Well, I was actually in labor for about 7 hours, I just didn't admit it until my water broke 3 hours before she was born. This time around I'm pretty sure I'll be able to read the signs better. I'd like to do another HB, assuming I remain low-risk, but seriously my family is scaring the crap out of me, and irritating me beyond belief! The thing is, I'm NOT going to the hospital for a low-risk baby, and whether I do it here or at the BC, the nearest hopsital in within 10 minutes. I know my mf would rather use the hospital by the BC because she has rights there as a mf, and of course I would like that too. But if I'm more comfortable at home, and REALLY anxious about the car ride, wouldn't it be safer to be at home? No matter what I choose I'm doing another water birth, I can't imagine birth without water! I'd like to have my mind made up much sooner this time, please help me decide! I've got quite a list of pros and cons for either option.

[Messac888]

Don't really know what to tell you. It sounds like your family is quite mainstream. Sometimes we luck out, and everyone is supportive, and other times we're not so fortunate, and everyone is berating us and our well-researched decisions. Sigh.

All I can think of is NOT telling the majority of the family (or any of it) that you will be giving birth at home. You can tell them you're working with a BC midwife and 'oops' the baby came so fast it was born at home. If you still feel the need to share your decisions with your family (I do this, I don't see a problem with it, though it can be frustrating to feel the need to explain yourself all the time, especially when pregnant) you can simply state, "My dh and I chose a homebirth because it is the safest and healthiest choice we can make for our families. Our physician gave us the phone number of the midwife we are working with and doctor so-and-so is 100% supportive." Usually adding the doctor card helps them to stop pestering you.

Fwiw, my ob-gyn DID give me the phone number of the midwife I ended up working with for my dd's homebirth!

Good luck with this all, I know it can be frustrating. If your instincts are telling you not to have a hospital birth, then by all means, don't have one. It is your family, your body and your baby, and therefore it is your decision.

[Belle]

I don't get why they are saying you should have a hospital birth because you had a fast labor the first time. It defys logic. Wouldn't it make more sense to give birth at home if you had a fast labor?

[2+twins]

I think maybe you need to tell your family something along the lines that you've thought and read a lot about giving birth both at home and in the hospital and know that the safest thing for you and your baby is to birth at home (and do they really think you'd make a decision that would put either of you in jeopardy anyway?). Then firmly say that the decision has been made and you aren't open to hearing anything unsupportive about it - period. Sometimes people need to be told when to back-off - especially family and close friends who feel comfortable enough to tell you anything and everything they're thinking. It really is none of their business and should be your decision alone to make.

FWIW, I know that home birth is safer than hospital birth, and having given birth very fast myself, I'm sure glad my last birth was planned to be at home. I do know someone who had an unplanned homebirth with their 2nd child b/c she came so quickly. For me it was comfortable because I was where I was supposed to be (although it did surprise me a bit that it was unassisted). For them it was more frantic and followed by a trip to the hospital where they could check in for whatever reason (mom & baby were obviously fine). So you have my support.

[amydidit]

I know my mom had a FIT when I first told her that we had a HB planned. Then I explained that my midwife was a "mobile birth center", that she had everything that birth centers had... only difference was she came to me, instead of me having to drive to her while in labor and risk having the baby in the car. That really calmed her nerves.

Sometimes it's really just all about how you explain things.

[I STIK M]

i have had the same experience- but my birth was really very fast, like an hour! and he was a month early!i have people that say "promise me if you have another you will go to the hospital, you were so lucky, next time you might not be..."
i usually dont get into my feeling that it was not luck, but i say that there are risks either way. if i had had a massive hemorage, the hospital is less of a risk, however if i want to avoid say a staph infection, the hospital is a much greater risk.and when my mom said the baby didnt look like me was i sure it was mine, i could remind her he was the only one there in our bedroom, no chance of a mix up!

[JoyofBirth]

Homebirth is much safer if that's what you feel more comfortable with. I am a midwife-in-training. I've been to several births where the mom didn't feel totally safe at home, but for whatever reason chose a HB. They all ended up being transferred in labor. You can psychologically impede your own labor. Do whatever you need to get people off your back. But do what feels right to you. It's actually better if you have a fast labor to stay home. You don't want the baby born in the car on the way (this happened to a friend of mine). And a HB midwife should explain to your dh how to catch a baby if it happens before she can make it and she could be on the phone talking you guys through it the whole time. And you'll have all thte supplies you need there and you wouldn't in the car.

[alegna]

So, next time your labor will be SO fast that you should RUN to the hospital (risking a car wreck) instead of staying at home where you're safe? Um. logic please?

-Angela

[sapphire_chan]

I thought family members got less twitsome after a successful hb? I'm so disappointed. Your story has shattered my illusions.

[mamaverdi]

Oh yeah, I got the: well your midwife only lived 2 streets away last time; she'll need to move in the next time.

You know what? My 2nd midwife was about 2 city blocks away the 2nd time. And my second baby took let's see....8 1/2 hours.

My first baby was only 3 hours 50 minutes from start to finish.

So ya never know.

Birth where you feel safe. Listen to YOUR inner voice, not the yammering of your relatives.

Tell them: this is my baby, my body, my birth. I will go the hospital if I have a medical emergency. Otherwise, my family and I will be at home.

And don't call them until you and the baby are happily nursing.

mv

[Seie]

When people start their "oh it is so dangerous-campaign" - usually they don't know a living thing about giving birth. If I were in your shoes I would star off lecturing the bunch about hormones and how they work better when you are undisturbed and about researches that show how often births stall in hospital, about the greater risk of infection, unnecessary c-section, and so on and so on - I would give them the entire story and lecture them till they got the picture of how much I actually know about this subject. I bet that would leave them feel pretty ignorant At least that is what usually happens when I start my lecturing hehe..I suggest you do something similar. If they still wont listen I would just shake my head, roll my eyes and tell them to stop putting their nose where it doesn't belong.. (maybe in a slightly more polite manner though )

Actually - Thinking about it I think the best ever reply to people questioning the safety of homebirth and your choises would be this:
"If you can find just one medical study that shows hospitalbirth to be safer than midwifeassisted homebirth in a low-risk pregnancy then I will reconsider my choice to homebirth."
That should shut them up.. You leave them with the initiative so if they mean business and really want you to have your baby in hospital - then they are forced to actually do real research about it.. - and if they do that they will find that all studies show homebirth to be just as safe - if not safer - than hospital birth..

One of our friends is a doctor (orthopaedic surgeon) and being a doc - and since he once delivered a birthing woman in a military tank in a blizzard - he also thinks he is an expert on pregnancy and birth. We visited them when I was 30 weeks pregnant. First thing he does is go grab my belly and feel around it with a knowing look on his face - then he says "Oh it has dropped already" I tell him: Ehh no it hasn't.. I am only 30 weeks and this baby hasn't dropped a bit.. "Oh yes it has..." - and he goes on. He also tells me how dangerous and irrisponsible I am to have my baby at home..Gosh how could I listen to him even for a second. - Ofcourse my baby didn't drop till a few days before birth - that is on 39+1 ...

My birth was 90 minutes active labor and the best thing I did was to stay home or I would have had the baby in the car.. I bet homebirth is the safer choice then... - actually the risk of getting in a carcrash on your way to hospital probably makes even a higher risk pregnancy homebirth safer

Inca

[minkajane]

I don't even know how many times I've read/heard birth stories that start "Well, we decided to induce a week early this time since last time was so fast and I wanted to make sure we got to the hospital." Most of them end in "So that's why I had to have a C-section."

[LeosMama]

yeah, crazy.

I told my mother that the next would be at home, but only b/c she is respectful of my choices and we talked about proximity to the hospital, expertise of the MW, etc. Also I talked about it like 'other people are so crazy about homebirth and don't do it safely' and 'other people think that homebirths are always dangerous' so that she easily slipped into my 'middle of the road' and could see the logic I was using.

I likely will not tell my FIL until after the fact, as he is an MD and told me last time that I should have a 5 lb baby b/c I am so petite and that I should only gain 15 lbs, that I would need anaesthesia (he personally administered nitrous to my MIL during DH's birth) and an episiotomy. When I told him I would be gaining 25-30 lbs, have a 6-8 lb baby, require no anaesthesia or episiotomy, he just smiled condescendingly and told me all about dangerous birth. At 6 mos postpartum, he told me I was overweight and should do something. I told him that bfing moms take 9-12 months at least to get back to pre-pg weight and ffeeders take much longer. Of course, I turned out to be entirely correct in all of my decisions (gained 30 lbs, had a 6.5 lbs babe, no med interventions or anaesthesia, no episiotomy, and am 6 lbs under pre-pg now at 21 mos PP). I try not to gloat.

Families are crazy. They do absolutely no current research and feel informed enough to give you advice. You do the research and learn everything you can. You are informed. You do what's right. You know what's right. Just don't tell them about it until it's done, or not at all. They don't need to know.

[grace's voice]

Originally Posted by Belle

I don't get why they are saying you should have a hospital birth because you had a fast labor the first time. It defys logic. Wouldn't it make more sense to give birth at home if you had a fast labor?

Yes, this was exactly my point... this is the only reason I've gotten from them, and it its just the opposite of my own reasoning. I'm far more okay with having an unassisted (but planned) homebirth than giving birth in the car. My family IS very mainstream. My mom is still bitter about the ONE unmedicated birth she had 19 years ago. She got to the hospital, asked for an epidural, and they told her they have their babies naturally (still don't know why a hosp. would do this!) but, yeah, if the subject comes up, she rants on and on. My mom is a pretty tough woman, and I'm the biggest whimp on the planet. She told me my whole life I could never give birth, even WITH drugs, so of course a large part of my motivation for natural birth last time was fueled by my need to prove her wrong. And I did, and have yet to complain about the experience. My grandmother drives me crazier than anyone. She, as my mom, had 5 babies, and only one was without meds. She isn't too happy about it either. She gave birth back in the day when they strapped women down in giant cribs and gassed them. She still thinks its supposed to be that way, which suprizes me because the reason I'm so open-minded about such things is that she raised me on herbal home-remedies and alternative thinking! She encourages me to see a naturopath, but doesn't want that same doctor delivering my baby at home??? And that's the other thing, I plan on using the same MF as last time, who is also a naturopathic family practitioner (so she doubles as my doc and the baby's ped.) and she has been practicing midwifery since 1986. She own's her own clinic/birth center and does HB, hospital birth, and of course BC. She was voted best midwife by Seattle's Child. Doesn't this qualify her?

Well, yesterday I made a pro/con list, which is also how I decided last time. Looks like I have a lot more pros and a lot less cons for HB. I wasn't very prepared for the first HB... I didn't even have a flat surface for the MFs things to sit on. This time I will have everything I need, in the event she doesn't make it on time. And I will fill the birth tub BEFORE my water breaks LOL! That sucked last time. I had my doula running around the house, heating water on the stove because the hot water ran out with about a foot of water in the tub. Man, I couldn't wait to get into that water, it made such a huge difference. How wonderful it was to just squat and hang there by my arms on the side of the tub in that warm cozy water.

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by grace's voice

I had a PERFECT planned HB with dd. My family wasn't happy when they found out I changed from birth center to HB during the last month. As soon as the baby was born they started saying "you'd better have the next baby in the hospital." They only logic I've gotten for this is "because my birth was so fast." Well, I was actually in labor for about 7 hours, I just didn't admit it until my water broke 3 hours before she was born. This time around I'm pretty sure I'll be able to read the signs better. I'd like to do another HB, assuming I remain low-risk, but seriously my family is scaring the crap out of me, and irritating me beyond belief! The thing is, I'm NOT going to the hospital for a low-risk baby, and whether I do it here or at the BC, the nearest hopsital in within 10 minutes. I know my mf would rather use the hospital by the BC because she has rights there as a mf, and of course I would like that too. But if I'm more comfortable at home, and REALLY anxious about the car ride, wouldn't it be safer to be at home? No matter what I choose I'm doing another water birth, I can't imagine birth without water! I'd like to have my mind made up much sooner this time, please help me decide! I've got quite a list of pros and cons for either option.

If you had a waterbirth, and you aren't going to the hospital then it sounds like you *have* made up your mind, and a good decision, too, I might add. This is a case where, you have done your research and need to tell them to shut up and leave you alone, your instinct is serving you well, and you may have to just stay away from them. Negative voices always try to bring you down to thier level. You did a great job before, tell them to stuff it, and I wouldn't tell them until AFTER the baby is born...you don't need the aggravation and I would stop and think if I was wanting to please them, for some reason. You don't need to please anyone but God and yourself....

[grace's voice]

Thank you all so much for your support! It means so much just to know that someone understands my point of view, and doesn't think I'm being irresponsible. I did tell my sister today that assuming everything stays low-risk we plan to birth at home. I needed to inform her because she is going to be at the birth incase my 3 year old needs someone. I did tell her NOT to tell my grandma though, and I'll just leave well enough alone. If they ask I can either lie or say we haven't decided. My sister is still concerned about "safety" and I told her that the MF would bring all the same stuff she has at the birth center. She was like "what about the ultrasound equip. and all that!." Uhh... she doesn't have that stuff at the center?? LOL. I also checked up on our local hospital and found out (much to my suprise) that it is partnered with the hospital my MF uses near the birth center. I doubt she has any rights here, but I know the one she uses has a top-notch neonatal intensive care unit. I assume if they're affiliated, the one by my house isn't too bad a place. Yesterday I asked DH if it were all up to him where would we birth, and he said "wherever you feel the most comfortable" So, I'm happy to know that the person who matters most is fully supportive of my choice. I'd say I'm a good 95% sure we're going for a HB.

[AnditheBee]

Originally Posted by grace's voice

My mom is still bitter about the ONE unmedicated birth she had 19 years ago. She got to the hospital, asked for an epidural, and they told her they have their babies naturally (still don't know why a hosp. would do this!) but, yeah, if the subject comes up, she rants on and on. My mom is a pretty tough woman, and I'm the biggest whimp on the planet. She told me my whole life I could never give birth, even WITH drugs, so of course a large part of my motivation for natural birth last time was fueled by my need to prove her wrong. And I did, and have yet to complain about the experience.

Sounds like your mom is jealous that her "wimp" daughter could handle something she couldn't. Obviously you have proven that you are no wimp! Some of the negativity may simply be sour grapes from both her and your grandmother. Good for you for doing your own thing the last time!

And good luck with this one--you sound strong and determined. Excellent qualities for a HB mama!