OK I really need help with this one...

[mumto2]

I have been homeschooling ds8 for the last 18 months. We tried him at 2 schools and it just didn't work out. Ds is gifted and many years ahead of his age group (which is a real problem in school). He was put ahead a year but it didn't make much difference. Ds also has adhd - impulsive, not hyperactive which mainly led to him crying, having bad feelings about himself, being anxious etc. BTW I thought he was depressed and anxious but apparantly his syptoms are a subset of adhd - whatever, he is doing well with treatment now.

Now my dilemma or sorts. My parents-in-law have never been on board with the whole homeschooling thing. They can repeat all of the negative experiences they had when their kids were in school (like 20 years ago) but feel that he needs to go for interaction with other children. Now I take ds to many different activites aswell as museums, science centre, zoo and so on just like everyone does.

My mil rang this morning and offered to pay for ds to attend a hugely expensive elite private school. We could never afford to send both children there, or rather, we wouldn't make the choice for me to work full time and put the kids in before and afterschool care in order for them to go. Mil has lots of specific worries
1. ds will never want to go to school. We have planned to send him to a science based academic highschool (again, ridiculous fees) that has links to university. ds is very sciency. She thinks we won't be able to get him to go then.
2. dd doesn't want to go to school and it's not fair that she should miss out. She has a different personality to ds - also very advanced but not as emotional.
3. Maybe it's not the school, it could be something wrong with ds which is why his school experiences have been so bad.

Now I am not completely philosophically opposed to schools per se, I've just never found one that I like, and I don't think I can keep on putting ds into school after school and in search of this ideal school. The second school promised to deliver a fantastic program for him but it never eventuated and they tried to convince me that ds would benefit from going over basic phonemes. Um.. this is a child who reads scientific journals and sends his comments back to the authors - I don't think he needs to go over "ee" "igh" and "ph".

Well trying not to be closed minded, I'm trying to examine my own reasons for homeschooling to see if there is any undue influence there. I know I would feel lost if both kids were in school all day and would feel that I should go back to work full time which I don't want to do. Am I just homeschooling to have a ligit reason not to work???

I am really second guessing this whole thing, dh was the one who talked me into homeschooling and it is really working well for our family. AARUGHHHHHH can you help? Thanks for reading this far, I posted a super abbreviated version on the schooling board.

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by mumto2

Am I just homeschooling to have a ligit reason not to work???

Wow. I have to tell you, as I was reading your post, I was wondering what your question was going to be...I was expecting something along the lines of "How do I get mil off my back?" but your question just came out of left field. I just didn't see that one coming!

School was a bad fit for your child. He's now homeschooling and, it sounds like he's thriving. You like homeschooling, your dh likes homeschooling, your child likes homeschooling. In your own words,

it is really working well for our family.

This,

I know I would feel lost if both kids were in school all day and would feel that I should go back to work full time which I don't want to do.

Is beside the point, imo. I think most hsing parents would feel lost if their kids suddenly went to school. Lots would feel that going to work in that case would be a plan--personally, *I* don't want to go back to work ft because I enjoy being with my kids and even the best job in the world could never compare.

But that's still neither here nor there. It's not like your child is begging to go back to school and you're saying, "no" because it would mean that you would have to go get a job, yk?

It's a wonderful thing when YOUR desires, (to be home with your kids) fits perfectly with their needs (to be homeschooled) yk?

From your post, I'd say it's time to tell the parents-in-law, "Thank you so much for your offer, but homeschooling is really working well for our family and we've no desire to change things at this point."

[mumto2]

Thanks Joan, I am really touched by your kind words - they have such a ring of truth.

[joandsarah77]

1.What do you want to do?
2. What does your ds want to do?

Who cares what the inlaws think. He's your child not theres. So do what suits you and your son. I know being offerd fees to a expensive privet school and knocking it back probably makes you feel ungratfull and kind of guilty. But you can't make important long term discitions on guilty feelings.

As to ds not wanting to go to this academic highschhol, well does that matter? How do you even know if he will need it? If he's that gifted he may teach himself, and you can all save your money for other things.
But if it teachers what he wants to know then he will probably be intrested.

I think you really need to decide what your going to do and be confident about that with your inlaws. If they see it's not up for debate hopfuly they will drop it, and then you can sugest that money they want to spend go to some cool things to buy your ds for homeschool. Say a really good telescope, or a microscope. Let your ds look through some catalogs, I'm sure he will come up with a list.

[Citymomx3]

I had the same sort of situation, in that dd9 went to several types of schools (none that was a good "fit" for her) and MIL isn't thrilled with this whole h/s idea. Dd is advanced and her final year-and-a-half of school was spent at the Academy for the Intellectually Gifted (ranked #1 in the state of NY). Her teachers and a pediatric neuropsychologist told me she probably has ADD-inattentive (with hyperactivity until 2nd grade).

The hugely expensive elite school probably sounds really great, but as our experience shows, what sounds great in theory might still not be what fits. It was a difficult decision for me to choose homeschooling (dd was one of 50 kids out of over 2500 to test into the academy), but we did and over the past 9 months she has changed so much for the better.

There are no attention problems at all now. She is still very advanced and can go at her own pace with everything. School frustrated her immensely - even with the numerous "enrichments" they had for her. Homework was a nightmare. She is not a test-taker. Her writing was criticized and marked up with red pen (and she still hates to write because of that. And yet when a recent contest came up she wrote a 300-word essay and won $50. ). And the best thing of all is that she tells me all the time how much happier she is and how much better her life is now.

I know in my heart that homeschooling is the best option for her. I don't dislike schools - my 2 other kids are in public school - I just try and do what's best for each child. As for how I handle MIL, well, I remain confident about my decision and have her read good articles that I find. I told her she should be proud that dd has this great opportunity and is getting such a fantastic education this way. I remind her how dd was stifled and frustrated in school and that many gifted children learn differently than the way schools teach. She knows I've done my research and she also knows I won't let her get to me. It does suck that she lives right across the street, though, LOL!

I say go with your heart. What are your mommy instincts telling you to do? What do you really feel is best for your ds? Where will he thrive and be happy? I had to dig deep and it took me months to have the courage to take the homeschooling plunge. I am sorry I took so long.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

[Lillian J]

Well, irritating as it must feel, at least it's gratifying to know that she cares enough to offer to pay his tuition. She's obviously put a lot of thought and worry into it, poor lady. And she's right that he might not want to go to that high school - which is not at all a catastrophe. Attending that high school isn't the only thing that can get him into a good science program. And from what you've said, the high school could actually end up to be boring for him by the time he gets to it - he might be learning a lot faster than they provide for! By that time, he want to take science classes at a local community college instead - and getting good grades under those circumstances would be impressive on college applications. And, for that matter, you never know what other alternatives will open up - or whether that school will even be a viable option by that time. Everyone is thinking far too much into the future. If I've learned one thing over my lifetime, it's that we can never assume we're in as much control of our lives as we think - we never know what the future (even the near future) holds, so we need to do our best to get things right in the present. In fact, as someone somewhere has said, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, but today is a gift (that's why they call it the present)."

Here's a link to a resource the HomeSchool Assn. of Calfiornia put together to help parents of gifted children - it has articles and links to lots of helpful resources, like email support group lists for parents of gifted children: Homeschooling With Gifted Children. Hang in there! Lillian

[RiverSky]

Since your family seems to be thriving with homeschooling, I'd say continue it.

Why don't you tell your MIL, "Thank you very much for your wonderful offer, right now we're going to continue homeschooling but can we please take a raincheck so that we can reconsider every once in a while and re-evaluate as we see fit?" Perhaps that will help appease your MIL and at the same time, keep the offer on the table. Even if your child ends up wanting to go to that particular high school, even a year or two of the private school prior to it would be enough to get him into a "school" mind-set, no need for more than that, IMO. It sounds to me as if your son will have no problems whatsoever getting into any college or university that he wants to, even if he never sets foot in another school before then.

Good luck no matter what you decide.

[Lillian J]

Wow. Riversky, that's just brilliant! Lillian

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by Lillian J

Wow. Riversky, that's just brilliant! Lillian

Thank you very much, Lillian! I have loved every word I have ever seen you post so that really means something to me.

[Lillian J]

Well, that suggestion (Riversky) got me to thinking about how wonderful it would be if we all had a fairy expert in family diplomacy that could be sitting on our shoulder to whisper in our ear and help us come up with good responses when we need them. It can get so darned amazingly tricky to figure out how to communicate within someone else's family - even when we're married to one of them and communicate just fine with that one! - Lillian

[mumto2]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful input. Mil is a horrendous worrier. She just loves to worry and as we have the only grandchildren, she loves to tell us how wrongly we are doing everything. However I can see that she has genuine love and concern for them so I try to be as kind as I can with her. A few months ago she offered to pay for ds to go to a montessori school, I told her we would be more likely to send him to the montessori than the private and she had a small panic attack - Oh no... not the montessori , it's too free and easy...

Dh just blew the whole thing off. He said he's happy, ds is happy, dd is happy, I am happy, who cares if his parents are happy, they are not factored into that equation. And that was it.

We are a reasonably mainstream family and it was a huge leap for me to go to homeschooliing - so I guess this constant barrage of questioning and tutting and head shaking gets to me. My stock standard reply had always been that homeschooling is working well now but that we would review it next year. I feel so much calmer in myself now that our decision has been renewed

I know they care, I just wish they understood.

[MOM2ANSLEY]

Your DS sounds intelligent...ask him....his opinion should count the most.JMO