Am I just a convenience factor? - Page 2

[fizzymom]

Originally Posted by Kincaid

It is hard to be a helper and cheerleader for everyone else and get squat back. You need praise and hugs and someone to lighten your load at times too! While I think it's great to pamper yourself, it's still not the same as receiving this kind of thing from your loved ones. It is absolutely fair to expect them to nurture you on a regular basis - no matter who works how many hours... you need nurturance from your clan. I don't know how to get this to happen though.

Just wanted to say too that when I feel this way, it is not about me having too much to do (so me making lists and dividing work would not change how I felt). What I resent is feeling invisible and unimportant, feeling drug down by others pissy moods, and not receiving any nurturance and appreciation from those around me.

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[fizzymom]

Originally Posted by sweetbaby3

I am making it so my husband doesn't get aggravated that I am not home, that I am caring for him even when I am not there (even though he loves the $$ I make, another rub).

You have every right to be "not home". You have every right to have interests of your own and he has no reason to be pissy about it.

You said that you have done counseling-- Could you try a new/different counselor? Your DH needs to see the damage he is doing to your self-esteem.

[Greenie]

Originally Posted by choli

If your daughter is old enough to drive, she is old enough to clean up her own dishes.

EXACTLY. When I was 14, I lived with my Dad. It was My Dad, his wife, the 3 of us, and her 2 kids. 8 people, including myself (not including the 2 dogs), and I did dishes for everyone. It was my job. Once I got a job working outside the house (I was 15), I didn't have to do the dishes anymore. My little bro had to do them. He was 13 when that started. My new job was to clean out the car and set the table every day when my Dad got home from work.

I think that if everyone is responsible for one or two chores (Doing the nightly dishes, taking the trash to the curb, setting the table, helping with dinner, doing laundry, vaccuming, sweeping, mopping, the possiblities are endless) then you won't have any problems. And, reward them for doing it. Show them that you love them. If you have less of a workload, you can spend more time with them (when you're not stressed and resentful) and get some of that affection that you deserve. I'm sure you would rather take your daughter shopping because you have a few hours before dinner than to spend that time doing her dishes.

You sound like you bend over backwards for your family, and quite honestly, it's time that they are a little more flexible. You don't have to be Sally Homemaker. You can be yourself.

[Lucky Charm]

Originally Posted by fizzymom

You have every right to be "not home". You have every right to have interests of your own and he has no reason to be pissy about it.

Very true. I just wish he saw it that way. In some ways my husband is very conflicted....he is very proud of me and my accomplisments and what I do for a living. On the other hand he hates that i work outside the home and am not content being just there. He cannot understand why I am not. Why I cant be like "other wives".

Greenie, I am going to make some sort of chore chart. Things that need to be done, and hopefully I wont have to nag. So if i am making a port wine sauce that requires my full attention, my 7 yr old can be putting the silver ware out and my 15 yr old can crack ice and pour drinks (something he does every night anyway).

[mamaduck]

I agree that your feelings are very valid. I worry that too much remains unspoken though -- have you articulated exactly how you feel to your DH?

I will throw this out there in case it might help -- One thing I recently did is make a list of everything I do from day to day, and I divided it into 3 columns. A list of things I like to do, a list of things I dislike doing, and a list of things I feel ambivilant or nuetral about. Its hard to make big sweeping changes all at once -- so instead I am taking the things on the "dislike" list one at a time, and when I'm feeling really down I find a way to eliminate something from that task list. I recently made a call and cancelled a regular playdate because I really disliked hosting it. It was a huge relief. Various types of comittee work are another thing on that "dislike doing" list. Certain aspects of housework, etc. There ARE creative ways to set boundries and eliminate a lot of these things, and I'm finding that other people don't hate the things I dislike as strongly as I do -- just like some of my enjoyable activities are not enjoyable to other people. Simply telling DH, "You know -- I cannot stand cleaning up dog poop. Can you take charge of that please?" was a solution that made me FEEL BETTER every day.

And if I can only address one thing every couple weeks -- well, thats better than nothing. But its OKAY to say to myself, "I don't do dog poop." I am ALLOWED to make that assertion and it doesn't make me a bad person.

Anyway -- I'm starting to realize that life is just too short to live like a drudge every moment of the day. I'm certainly taking little baby steps -- but my goal is to have about 80% of the things I do to be things that I LIKE doing. KWIM?

[Tinas3muskateers]

Feeling the pain

I just made a rant about this on a different message board. I work from home, I cook, I clean, I was clothes, I volenteer a ton at the boys school, I drive here there and everywhere, I am the asstant coach on the soccer team, you name it I do it. Do I ever hear a thank you mom, or wow you do a ton for us, or a hey let us make you dinner tonight? Heck no! And I am certain I never will.

DD has dishes every other night, she is responsible for cleaning the bathroom(not that it ever really gets clean clean) and her own laundry, which sometimes ends up in with ours or I end up folding but never gets put away. DH does NOTHING but make a mess. Kayla is her father .. through and through. Lays stuff everywhere, selfish, loud, and wants everyone to do for her/him.

I pray my boys take another turn. Isaiah cleans up after himself, but he is 21 months so its fun now lol. Caden will help me clean but not his own room, typical.

[TinkerBelle]

A 6 yr old is capable of more than just cleaning up after himself. My 6 yr old has mild Autism, yet he puts his own clothes away, hauls dirty clothes to the laundry room, makes his bed (simple, just a comforter), dust mops his room, feather dusts his room, sets the table, clears the table (the boys take turns~I also have an 8 yr old who is "normal".) They also haul trash bags to the outside cans. I also have them clean up if they miss the toilet, with a lysol wipe.

As far as your daughter goes, in my house, if you do not complete your chores, you do not get extra privileges. There is no reason for her to leave things lying around. IMO, that is being rude and disrespectful to you.

I am not saying my kids are perfect and never gripe. They do. But, you know, it is part of being a family and running a household. I believe that everyone should pitch in and keep things fairly tidy. There is no reason to have a pighole for a home. I do not mean where you can eat off of the floor, of course, but at least decently tidy. And there is no reason why kids should not be taught to keep house from a young age. I think it is better to start young get them into a the habit.

[EnviroBecca]

Mamaduck wrote:

But its OKAY to say to myself, "I don't do dog poop." I am ALLOWED to make that assertion and it doesn't make me a bad person.

It has sometimes been hard for me to speak up about not wanting to do a particular chore because I just don't like it. In general I feel that it's important not to believe that certain chores are "beneath" you because that's what leads to caste systems and the like...but I have realized that having the opinion that a particular chore is annoying to me is not the same as believing that I'm "too good" to sully myself by doing it! Here's a conversation my partner and I had on Thanksgiving:
ME: Hey, am I delusional, or did you once say that you actually ENJOY trimming the eyes out of the potatoes?
HIM: Well, "enjoy" is too strong a word, but I don't mind it.
ME: Good! I hate trimming the potatoes!
HIM: (grandly) You need never trim a potato when I am around.
ME:
HIM: (to baby) Mama is doing the potato-scrubbing dance.
ME: Okay, I'll scrub and you trim.

Tinas3muskateers wrote:

I cook, I clean, I was clothes

Wow! You, yourself, actually served as the clothing for your family! Now that is dedication!!! I realize it's only a missing H, but I found it humorous.

Hey, has anybody else had to deal with the argument, "You're the one who thinks the house should be cleaned up to THAT standard; the rest of us don't mind if it's messier. Since it's important to YOU to have things cleaner, you should take responsibility for keeping them that way."?

[Kincaid]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

Hey, has anybody else had to deal with the argument, "You're the one who thinks the house should be cleaned up to THAT standard; the rest of us don't mind if it's messier. Since it's important to YOU to have things cleaner, you should take responsibility for keeping them that way."?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. My partner is also female.... and she doesn't want to clean, cook, wash, iron, etc, etc. And she pulls that crap on me. Here is an example, if I bug her to scrape her dinner plate and then I come back and see she has let it dump all outside the bag and on the side of the garbage can, ketchup outside the can, rice on the floor... if I comment, she will use that as her "excuse" for a month. She "wins" because she will argue more bitterly than I will . I can't wait to get that Dance of Anger book I ordered.

[mommytolittlelilly]

Originally Posted by Kincaid

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. My partner is also female.... and she doesn't want to clean, cook, wash, iron, etc, etc. And she pulls that crap on me. Here is an example, if I bug her to scrape her dinner plate and then I come back and see she has let it dump all outside the bag and on the side of the garbage can, ketchup outside the can, rice on the floor... if I comment, she will use that as her "excuse" for a month. She "wins" because she will argue more bitterly than I will . I can't wait to get that Dance of Anger book I ordered.

Maybe at last we can debunk that age-old myth that women expect too much wrt domestic chores from their male partners. You know the one - we all grew up watching our moms, and now we have skills above and beyond men when it comes to cleaning the bathroom and doing the laundry.

Sweetbaby3, hope you're feeling more appreciated. I would love to have a dinner of chicken and mushrooms waiting for me when I come home from work!

[Lucky Charm]

Originally Posted by mommytolittlelilly

Sweetbaby3, hope you're feeling more appreciated. I would love to have a dinner of chicken and mushrooms waiting for me when I come home from work!

[srain]

Have you thought about the hiring help idea?

[fizzymom]

Originally Posted by sweetbaby3

On the other hand he hates that i work outside the home and am not content being just there. He cannot understand why I am not. Why I cant be like "other wives".

Ummmm, because you AREN'T "other wives". You are you - a unique person who deserves to be valued for who you are, as you are.

I just reread your posts and I get the overwhelming feeling that you are being bullied. Again, would it be possible to try counseling again with someone different? My concern is also for your DD. She is learning that this is how a wife is treated and could end up in a relationship where she is less than valued.

[ellemoon]

I remember MY mom having a meltdown about this when I was growing up. She laid it all on the table for us - that she was feeling over worked and under appreciated. We all felt terrible. Perhaps a family meeting might be in order. We really had no idea HOW much she was doing for us (my dad included!) I think a lot of it we took for granted. As a consequence we all pitched in. Plus a lot of the things my mom felt she "needed" to do were just rolling right off our backs. We did not notice one way or the other if we had fancy dinners - it was just food- or if the towels were folded a certain way. Try talking to them about how you feel!

ellen

[Lucky Charm]

We did have a family meeting and it went well.

My husband has apologized.

My 7 year old now is in charge of the silverware and napkins, and he clears the table. He absolutely must get ready in the morning without me riding him to no good end.

I came home and the house was just as I left it...*neat*.

I have considered the cleaning service and plan on getting estimates next week.

I also agree there might be a bully element. But I am not easily bullied, therefore increasing conflict (which is good, because I refuse to back down).

I should be valued for the woman I am, and alot of the times I am. But times like now just suck, and after 18 years of it, I am tired of it. I am who I am.

[Treasuremapper]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

Just because your husband works outside the home and your children are not adults does not mean you are the slave.

Tinkerbelle, well said.

[Peppermint]

Originally Posted by sweetbaby3

We did have a family meeting and it went well.

My husband has apologized.

My 7 year old now is in charge of the silverware and napkins, and he clears the table. He absolutely must get ready in the morning without me riding him to no good end.

I came home and the house was just as I left it...*neat*.

I have considered the cleaning service and plan on getting estimates next week.

I also agree there might be a bully element. But I am not easily bullied, therefore increasing conflict (which is good, because I refuse to back down).

I should be valued for the woman I am, and alot of the times I am. But times like now just suck, and after 18 years of it, I am tired of it. I am who I am.

This just goes to show what a strong woman you are, with a family who *does* love you, you post a problem, you get suggestions, you follow thorough on them, standing up for yourself, you are heard by your family, and they will try. I don't think the problem will be over now, you might need to have these meetings monthly (so maybe plan that now, instead of being frustrated when another is needed, just make it a thing your family does- I liked the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families).

I am so glad things are better there now.

[Greenie]

Originally Posted by Sweetbaby3

I should be valued for the woman I am, and alot of the times I am. But times like now just suck, and after 18 years of it, I am tired of it. I am who I am.

Oh, I got GIDDY when I read that. I am who I am. It's beautiful. It's inspiring.

I think that in the day to day, we all take advantage of each other. We all take each other for granted. SO and I had a talk yesterday, about how we both do this to each other. Because we're both feeling under appriciated, and like we're being taken for granted, we both resent each other. Because we're both feeling the same way, it's just a vicious cycle. But, learning to speak up and say 'Hey! I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Did you notice?' Even though it's a daily, mundane thing, I hate doing it, and like to be recognised for it. Especially since half the mess was his, you know?

I'm glad things went well. My best friend's mom runs a cleaning service. She cleans for a family twice a month, and they just gave her a key and leave the check on the counter. She comes on the day that is best for them. I'm looking into having this done, at least for a little while.

Maybe you should even look into taking a day off every week or every other week to go to the spa, relax, get some coffee (and desert ) and read a good book. Spend some time by yourself, and truly feel good, because you deserve it. Go on a date with your Husband and leave the kids with a sitter. If you're not feeling good in life, then what's the point??

[Lucky Charm]

Oh, I got GIDDY when I read that. I am who I am. It's beautiful. It's inspiring.

I appreciate that. But its true. We are who we are whether we are stay at home moms, or moms that work. I dont think anyone should be bent into being something they're not, and then made to feel less than because of that. I should not be compared to "other wives" (and who the hell are these women anyway?)

Originally Posted by Peppermint

This just goes to show what a strong woman you are, with a family who *does* love you, you post a problem, you get suggestions, you follow thorough on them, standing up for yourself, you are heard by your family, and they will try. I don't think the problem will be over now, you might need to have these meetings monthly (so maybe plan that now, instead of being frustrated when another is needed, just make it a thing your family does- I liked the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families).

I am so glad things are better there now.

Thanks Peppermint. We will be doing the bi weekly meetings, and we can all share our concerns.