When do you let your DC stay the night somewhere else? - Page 2

[Red]

If the child spent large amounts of time with the people in question, was used to going to spend time at their home and WANTED to....oh and if you were free to go at a minutes notice to pick her up if she changed her mind,... then I'd say fine.




I'd say. YOU get to do what YOU want to do. ANd, get this, you can tell your mother you're going to do it your way. Period. And you're right.


Cause YOU'RE the Mommy, that's why!

[merpk]

Originally Posted by Momtwice

If you don't want her staying over until she's 18 it is YOUR CHOICE. You are the mama, not her,

and if she called me names it would just make me say NO louder and longer.

You are the mom.

Your choice.

: : :

Well said.






(And FWIW, my kids saw my parents several times a week every week of their lives and my folks live less than an hour away ... and I still didn't let them sleep over at my parents' house without me until they were at least 4&change. My folks weren't crazy about that, but I'm the mom, and they respected that. )

[MamaTaraX]

I think its allabout the individual child. My oldest just spent thenight away from us AND away from his own homefor the first time less than two weeks ago. He's 7. It was his choice to spend the night with his grandparents while my DH and I went away. He had a good itme. He's known his grandparents since he left the womb and we live on the same land as them. If he'd wnated to come home, he could have, my mom was here with my toddler. He's stayed without us before, but, he was at home with my mom. My toddler stayed here with my mom for the two nights we were gone and didn't notice we were gone. He was in his own home, slept in his own bed, played with his own toys, and was with his Abuela, who he's completely attached to.

WHen a child is old enough to ask to stay somewhere else, they ar eprobably old enough to do it, with some explanation of what that means to them. If I were uncomfortable sending my little one off somewhere, by all means, they probably woudl'tbe going. Of course, if that little one was 15, bigger than me, and very persuasive, maybe I'd sing a differnt tune Seriously though, if it's bugging you, stand firm anddon't let her go. Maybe let her go spend an entire day with them, you know, morning til night, see how that goes. Can they get her down for a nap if she needs it? HOw do they handle her when she's upset because you're not around? Things like that. And, it's really hard to let them do things like that. We didn't let our oldest go of for the day with his grandparents until he was 3 and don't plan on letting our toddler until he's 3 either. By then he was big enough to ask questions, talk,all that stuff and I think that's very important too. Good luck in whatever you decide!

Namaste, Tara

[UnschoolnMa]

At 2 my Ds would have only spent the night with some very close family friends. (And I mean close as in closer than some actual family) but that was it, and he only did it twice because I was in the hospital. A 2 year old is still a baby really IMO, and though I think it depends on the kid and the situation, it seems a little young. We co-slept and Ds still nursed at that age so sleep overs weren't really a smooth thing. As he has grown older Ds never really turned into a sleep over kind of guy. The only place he stays without me and/or Dh is at my Dad's house. Dd had her first sleep over at a friends house when she was maybe 7 or 8 I can't recall, and she goes to my Dad's as well. That's about it. We are kind of homebody folks.

I think your mom needs to relax and be patient. I am sure there will be other times in the future.

[DesireeH]

I agree, it's YOUR choice.

I let ds stay the night with my mom and dad when he was 2 and weaned but he wanted to. He still always wants to. He begs everytime we go over there. LOL He's 3 now and says "grandpa and grandma are more fun than you." Thanks! LOL Anyways.....I trust them 100% but I would not let him stay with anyone else (no IL's ever and no friends or anything at this point.) And I dont want my brothers (who are 23 and 19 and still live at home with my mom and dad) driving with him. But they follow the rules and Jevin likes it there so I let him one night every couple of weekends (they are only 20 mins as well.) Oh and they arent allowed to feed him fake juice or crap food. LOL

Oh yeah and when he spends the night he co-sleeps with them so he doesnt get scared.

[littleaugustbaby]

I think it depends on the situation and your DC. My DD is 2, and has never had an overnight visit, but I'd be ok with her staying overnight with MIL or my parents, because I know she'd have fun. I probably wouldn't let her stay anywhere else, though, because I think she'd be upset with anyone else.

[Peppermint]

IMO, it should be when the child asks to stay with someone *and* mom and dad feel that the child is truly ready. My kids, so far, have first stayed the night with my parents at age 4, and it happens once/year. They were not ready before that.

[elsie]

My older DD has only spent 2 night away when I gave birth to younger DD. She was 2, with my sister who she knows very well, and I was able to prepare her for a few weeks before hand. She was excited even though I was still a bit nervous. I would have done everything in my power to prevent a surprise overnight outing - my DD does not always react well to sudden changes in plans. But except for emergencies, I don't plan on spending her off again until she asks to go somewhere.

I agree with previous posters - your child, you get to decide everything

[johub]

My youngest kids started spending the night with grandma at about 16 months. They dont spend the night with my mom (who lives only a 2 miles from me) because she isnt as good with them and she isnt that interested anyway. She can come over and see them at any time.
My MIL lives about 45 minutes away and my kids spend the night there sometimes as frequently as every weekend. There have been one or two times they have even stayed 2 nights. (which meant a lot of pumping in their absence! LOL)
She is the greatest grandma and really loves the kids and cares for them well. If it werent for her I dont know anybody who I would let keep my little ones over night.
My oldest started spending the night away when she was 2 I think.
I really dont see it as an "overnight" issue, but as a quality of the caregiver issue. My mil would stay up all night and walk the floors or rock a child who woke. She doesnt expect them to adhere to any hard and fast schedule and she doesnt let them cry.
My nurslings have had no problems falling asleep without me at grandma's house either.
Joline

[captain crunchy]

I agree with the pp's, if you don't feel comfortable and you know know your child may get scared or whatever...it is completely up to you.

I wouldn't be comfortable with my daughter staying overnight anywhere (barring a huge emergency or something) until she was old enough to verbalize and to understand what it meant. I would say 3 would probably be a good age, maybe 4. Then again, I agree with a pp who said it is the quality of care too and how much you trust the caregivers to adhere to your wishes regarding certain things. For instance, my mom loves our daughter immensely and I know she would never *hurt* her, but at the same time our parenting ideas are like night and day in some cases and if I can't trust that she won't be taking my daughter to McDonalds for fries and a milkshake, then I can't leave her there --- my mom is one of those people who thinks I am "depriving" my child of things like McD's and stuff... she is also from the CIO school and things like that, so right now I would never leave our daughter overnight...
By the time she is around 3, 4 though, I think she will have a better understanding of what it means to *spend the night* and such and can vocalize whether she wants to or not yada yada...

[Llyra]

I guess it really depends on your child, how much time your child spends with the people, how far away it is, and how comfortable you are with the people's style of caring for your child.

I am in the minority here. My DD spent her first night with my mom at 5 months, and has been regularly spending nights about once a month since about 9 months old. I am entirely comfortable with this. My mom and I are in complete agreement about parenting, my daughter spends a lot of time with my mom and is very attached to her and willing to accept comfort from her, and it is fairly close so that I can go there immediately if DD needs me.

It also helps that at 4 months, when we did our first overnight, DD was used to taking bottles of EBF. I wouldn't send a breastfed infant anywhere unless I was sure that the baby would take a bottle from whoever she was staying with. That's less of an issue with an older toddler, though.

Frankly, I'm grateful for the network of extended family that I have to lean on. It's good for all of us that my mom is willing and able to care for DD sometimes. It's good for my sanity, it's good for my marriage, and I think it's good for DD to be so close to her grandma. You know, it takes a village, and all that. I kind of think it's unnatural that we expect the nuclear family to be so self-sufficient-- it's just not healthy.

On the other hand, I would never, ever, ever have sent my daughter to stay with my MIL at that age, and I probably wouldn't even now she's a toddler. I'm just not confident that MIL would care for her the way I want her cared for, and I just don't trust her.

It really all depends on the situation. I don't think there's anything wrong with sending an older toddler to spend the night somewhere, if the child is willing. The attachment parenting purists might not agree, though. ON the other hand, I don't think it's a problem if you're not comfortable with the idea. You are the parent, and you make the decisions.

[srain]

It sounds like your mother feels that she can't get as close as she'd like to your daughter without keeping her overnight. Maybe you could find other activities that would meet that need. What about leaving them alone for an afternoon at her house, while you find something else to do in her area?

[Alkenny]

I also think it depends on a case by case situation. My children didn't stay the night with my mom until they were about 4 or 5, but my niece and nephew have stayed from 2 on up (they also lived with my mom for a short period of time though too). She's your babe and you know best!

[hhurd]

My ds spent his first night with his grandparents at 10 months. He's now 3.5 and stays over with them 3-4 times a year, and seems to love it. We're very comfortable with them, and I strongly believe that it takes a village for me to stay sane!

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by Free Thinker

"She needs time away from you"

Saying a healthy, happy 2 1/2 year old child needs time away from their parents is irrational IMO.

You are not irrational. You know your child best and what you are both comfortable with. Some parents and children are comfortable having their staying overnight younger. I don't think children and parents need to be seperated though.

I wouldn't be comfortable sending my child so far away with someone to begin with. We've left 5 1/2 year old dd with my parents during the day sometimes for several hours but not overnight and not a 3 hour drive away. She needs us a lot at night still. Someday she won't and she is growing up fast. If she asked to stay at grandma's house without us sometime we might give it a try.

[Fiercemama]

You know best what your child is ready for.

For me, my DD is 3.5. She is talking about sleepovers, but I don't think she's really ready. When we visit our best friends, she always talks about sleeping with her best friend, but always ends up sleeping with me. When she does her first sleepover (or when we have her friends over) its with the understanding that I'm available to come and take her home at 2AM if that's what's needed.

But aside from that, your mother is totally disrespecting your boundaries. You don't need to defend your parenting choices to her. It is your decision, end of story. In these discussions, it always seems to me like the request to have the child stay over is for an adult's selfish reasons, rather than with a sensitivity to what is truly best for the child.