Would you bring a 6 year old to a funeral?

[boatbaby]

My brother (who is divorced) had a neighbor who he was really, REALLY close with. She was like a mother figure (our mother died years ago) and she was like an Auntie to my niece. She started my niece in horseback riding, which is now her passion, and helped my brother take care of her since she was 1 year old.

She was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago and died last night.

My brother is at a loss of how to handle the news with his daughter. And he is wondering if bringing her to the services would be unnecessarily traumatizing (it would be her first death) or whether it would be healthy and cleansing.

Any thoughts?

[alegna]

I would take her. But I feel strongly about involving children in all aspects of life.

-Angela

[Maggi315]

I would take her. I think kids need to be exposed to that stuff, it is a part of life. When you try to protect them, I think you set them up for future problems. like their first real experience with death and funerals might be a close relative (like mom, dad, sibling) which is harder than a close friend. This way she gets some exposure, knows there is nothing scary about funerals and death and gets to feel involved and important enough to include.

But that's just my .02

[NiteNicole]

Can he tell her what it will be like and then ask if she wants to go? I think it's also helpful if someone can agree to leave with her if she gets upset or disturbed (or even bored).

[BumbleBena]

When my grandpa died a few years ago, my 4 yo nephew came, but they sat in the back, and someone was handy to take him outside if he became uncomfortable. He came for the service, not the viewing, and they didn't go to the cemetary, and that worked out fine.
I realize there's a BIG difference between 4 and 6, but since the little girl was close to the lady, I don't think it's fair to leave her out of the funeral. Maybe your brother could leave the decision to attend up to her, like a PP said, and offer to have someone sit with her, so if at any point she feels uncomfortable, she has the choice to leave.
I also agree that being exposed to this kind of experience so young might be healing in the long run. Kids need closure too, kwim?

[Irishmommy]

I would either bring her or give her the choice.

[Starr]

I would explain it to her at her level and see if she wants to go, or you could always bring her to the wake if they have one. Not so many people and just a different environment IMO. My uncle died when I was 6 and my mom didn't take me. Part of it was because he was very sick before hand and didn't look himself and in a tight knit family we were close so you don't really want the first funeral to be someone very close.

[Past_VNE]

I may have a skewed perspective on this, as I grew up in a funeral home.

I think it's really important for her to go to the funeral. Don't force her to go directly up to the body, don't force her to say any "sorries"...just take her and let her do what SHE needs or wants to do. She may cry, she may just sit, she may want to leave. Any of that is okay...but she needs to show up. It will be hard, it will be a learning experience, it will make her grow up just a touch.

I very firmly believe that she should not be shielded from the fact of the matter, especially since she was so close to this lady.

Whoa...I just typed up this reply and didn't realize WHO I was replying to, bb. How are ya doing, otherwise?

[Parthenia]

Originally Posted by Past_VNE

I think it's really important for her to go to the funeral. Don't force her to go directly up to the body, don't force her to say any "sorries"...just take her and let her do what SHE needs or wants to do. She may cry, she may just sit, she may want to leave. Any of that is okay...but she needs to show up. It will be hard, it will be a learning experience, it will make her grow up just a touch.

I very firmly believe that she should not be shielded from the fact of the matter, especially since she was so close to this lady.

ITA. I have relatives on both sides of my family who owned funeral homes, and spent many a summer afternoon visiting the funeral home.

[boatbaby]

Thanks everyone! I'll be chatting with him later tonight and I think you all are right about asking her whatshe wants and having her go with.
She's a smart cookie and I think she can handle it.

I realized as I read your responses that I am that person who was shielded from death until later in life.

All of my grandparents died before I was born. The very first funeral I went to was my mom's when I was 27. That was a really bad introduction to funerals needless to say.

Any other advice is appreciated!
Thanks again

[lilyka]

If she was close then by all means he should give her the option of going. She may not want to. The creapiest part of a funeral to me is viewing the body. If they choose to do that I would check ahead and see where the body will be (some people just have them at the front of the church, up here they are alwys right when you walk through the door) nd try to give her time to warm up to the situation before showing her her friend laying there. also just prep her for people grieving and crying. Also let her know some poeple will be happy and laughing as they remember good things and see loved ones they haven't seen in a while. and thats ok too. if they do a p[ublic casket lowering (internment?) prep her for that and of course give her the option of going to that or not (I usually skip that myself as it is much sadder, the absolute end of it and peole are usually grieving more openly by then). I would let her lead the way. If your brother is going to be very grief stricken it might be nice to have an adult friend along who can leave with the child if she chooses to not stay and brother will want to. Does that make sense?

[mamato3cherubs]

Originally Posted by Maggi315

I would take her. I think kids need to be exposed to that stuff, it is a part of life. When you try to protect them, I think you set them up for future problems. like their first real experience with death and funerals might be a close relative (like mom, dad, sibling) which is harder than a close friend. This way she gets some exposure, knows there is nothing scary about funerals and death and gets to feel involved and important enough to include.

But that's just my .02

: I agree with this word for word. my dhs best friend died unexpectedly exactly this time last year. My kids were 8, 3 and 1. My 8 year old had been really close with him as well , as is ussually the case with a family friend that is around alot. I pondered this for some time, dh and I discussed it and we came to exacly that conclusion. I really think it is as important for the children to have a type of closure as it is for the adults. And services really have a way of doing that.

[Sherry]

i also would take her. children handle things much better than most people will give them credit for. we have always been open with our kids and they have all attended funerals at a young age with no ill effects.

i am so sorry for the loss of your second mother. (((hugs)))

[darkangel090260]

yes take her . However this part depends on your religan. I have told my step children and goddaughter the when someone pass away that they whet to vist the goddess and one day we will meet up with them again. With my goddaughter i got her a small doll and said that if she need to talk with grandma she could talk to the doll and send her thought throw it. She is 18 and still has her doll and still talk to it.

[Momtwice]

Yes I would and have brought children younger than that to funerals.

I sit near an exit or near the back, like with any religious service I visit, so I can make a quick exit if the child gets loud.

[TCMoulton]

I would bring her but let her decide what she wants to do once inside when it comes to viewing the person. When I was 9 my 5 year old cousin died from a heart attack and my 5 year old sister was his best friend - my aunt and uncle requested that we all attend the wake, my 5 year old sister included, and she said that viewing our cousin was evtremely frightening for her and a memory that haunts her to this day. My DH is a funeral director and has had many children at wakes at his funeral home and the reaction from little kids is mixed.
Sorry that your brother even has to make such a difficult decision.

[pjlioness]

My first funeral was when I was 4. It was my great-grandpa, and we'd been close. I don't remember much about it, but I do remember seeing his body in the casket.

[pjlioness]

My first funeral was when I was 4. It was my great-grandpa, and we'd been close. I don't remember much about it, but I do remember seeing his body in the casket. The experience was fine for me. I don't know what, if anything, my folks did/said to prepare me, but they did let me do my own thing at the funeral.

IMO, kids need to be included in funerals, for all of the reasons stated above. Also, babies bring a bright spot to them, which most people appreciate. Dh and I took Alex to two (Catholic, if that makes any difference) funerals when he was a baby and everyone was happy to see a baby.

[mama4gals]

I would bring a child of any age to a funeral. I would suggest going to see the body at the wake, but not force it at all. My dear mom died a month ago, and dd#4 (4yo) would not look at the body, but she was fine with the funeral. Of course beforehand and somewhat during, I explained everything in great detail. I think what scares kids about death is when we try to shield them from it. If we act like it's a natural part of life, they will come to realize that too. Not that they won't feel sad, but that they will know that being sad about death is okay. I agree with others that it's good to be able to make a quick exit if needed.

Liz

[boatbaby]

Update

So I had a long chat with my brother - and guess what? He is being a pig headed male about all of this.

I said I think he ought to give katie the choice. Tell her what to expect and have someone who can be there to leave with her and sit in back and see how she feels. Give her the chance for closure and all.

He said NO WAY! "I am the father and I am NOT putting her through that" He said it will be an open casket (something I am not familiar with, like I said the only funeral I have been to was my own mother's, --no body there) and he said you can not avoid seeing the body at an open casket and that would freak her out. I offered the suggestion of sitting in back, lettingher decide, and so on. He said NO NO NO. I reminded him how I was always shielded from these things and then our mom'sfuneral ended up being my first and how horrible that was. He didn't
care.
He said the last time she saw this lady a couple of weeks ago just before Thanksgiving they had a lovely time together and he wants that to be her final memory of her - rather than sadness and death.

I think he is projecting his own grief and difficulty handling the situation on her before she even knows that the lady is dead.

He's said - the dog died this year and her favorite horse (it was actually this lady's horse) died last year and it's too much for her.
Translation: Mom died and now this lady died and it's too much for my brother.

sigh.

We don't live close together so there is only so much I can offer to the situation.

So he basically is not giving her any choice... irks me a little. Yes he is the father and he can do what he thinks is right - but I think it is typical of his rather domineering personality to make the choices for her and not let her have a say.

She is away with her mom now, she is back Friday and he is going to tell her about the death then. The services are Saturday.
Knowing my niece's strong will- I hope she will speak up if she wants to go. we shall see.

Thanks and hugs to everyone for your input and support.
We're all pretty shocked and bummed... but I especially hate seeing my brother so grief striken