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After 20 months, I am DONE with SAHMing - help me not hate it

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
Seriously, I can't take it anymore. I was good at being a SAHM of a child under 1 year, and I enjoyed the freedom to read or go out or do anything with the baby in tow. But not that ds1 is 20 months and ds2 is 2 months, I want nothing more than to go to work. September 2006 I will be back to law school (hopefully), so I really only have 9 more months (for potentially the rest of my life) to be at home with the kids, but I am still having a hard time enjoying it , or at the very least, not being miserable and angry all day. Basically, I am tired of ds1's irrationality. He freaks out and hates anything I do or give him - wrong drink, wrong food, wrong sesame street video, and he throws a tantrum, and I get very mad. I obviously don't hit him or anything, but when he hurts me (rubbing against my nipples while climbing everywhere or hitting me while he is tantruming) I get so mad that the thought of spanking him crosses my mind. And then I feel horrible about that thought. And then dh yells at me for being annoyed with ds1.

Stupid, I know, but I always suspected that I would enjoy a baby but hate the early childhood times, and I do. I just don't have the patience for ds1 and end up being angry all the time, angry at him, angry at dh, angry even at the little baby sometimes. Normal child behavior even drives me nuts if I am in the wrong mood. Yesterday I went out with ds2 while my mom watched ds1 and when I came back, it was nice to see ds1. So that was
good, but my mom can't watch him everyday b/c it is too tiring for her. I cannot get a job in the meantime b/c we cannot afford daycare, and dh won't allow daycare anyway, and my mom can't babysit him, so doing something outside the house is not an option. I am stuck SAHMing for 9 more months. How do I get my mojo back so I don't go crazy and make dh and ds1 hate me?

Signed, angry mean mommy who feels terrible about it
post #2 of 30
is there any way to make sure that you get time to yourself everyday? if you are able to do that it might make it easier for you. do you have a good support system/friend that you could call when you are at your wit's end. i'm sorry mama. that must be really hard for you
post #3 of 30
Congratulations mean mommy you have found out something new (or reconnected with something old) about yourself!! The initial uncomfortableness will wear on and you will (hopefully, if it is right for you) settle into the knowledge that you are honoring yourself and being a better mommy because of it. Not everyone is meant to stay home with their children 24/7. Trust your feelings, your anger is a signal about yourself and the way you operate. It seems like you describe a happy momma in your house is one who has time away from DS #1 right now...in future years it might be DS#2. I go in and out of loving my boys to my eyebrows and being absolutely annoyed by their existance...guess what? -- I'm human! Listen to your feelings and do what is best for all members of your family...there is a win win in there somewhere...somewhere where kids are taken care of and husband doesn't have to sacrifice his ideals and you...yes you momma feel stimulated and enjoy your life enough to really enjoy time with your children.

post #4 of 30
You have a 2 month old. Perhaps you are still feeling the effects of birth and hormones and changes. It is difficult to be patient with a 20 month old at times and even more so when you are caring for a 2 month old, nursing, interrupted sleep etc.

You may find that things ease up a bit as you get more sleep and find you have more patience.

You might also find it helpful instead of focusing on how much you are hating it, to focus on how great it is. It's amazing what can happen when you trick your mind by pretending you are happy doing something. If it's only 9 more months, that's not a long time. Find ways to make it the best 9 months of your life. These little ones need you and especially your oldest will act out if he picks up on your feelings of frustration and anger.
post #5 of 30
I hear 'ya! I have two year old twins and they annoy the bejeebers out of me a lot of the time.

The thing that saves me is regular babysitting. As my husband says, it's cheaper than the loony bin.
post #6 of 30
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by royaloakmi
The thing that saves me is regular babysitting. As my husband says, it's cheaper than the loony bin.


Thanks for the good thoughts so far.
post #7 of 30
Man, it's hard with a toddler (especially one with that "everything you do is wrong" irrationality thing) and a newborn. I read you loud and clear! I don't have any real suggestions. Regular time alone is great if you can get it, but I have always found that it's great when I have it, and for the first initial 5 minutes after I get home when I'm so glad to see the kids...and then I'm right back in the middle of the madness again.

I guess all I can say is, hang in there. At least there's a light at the end of your tunnel. You KNOW you only have to sah full-time for another 9 months. You have a plan and that's good.
post #8 of 30
I think it gets harder around 18 months and to add a newborn at the same time makes it even worse. I completely understand how you feel, now that I have 3 young children I sometimes think "what the heck was I thinking?" I feel like I'm not cut out to be a good stay at home mom. Okay but then when I think of the alternative, working or going to school full time while my children are in daycare at such a young age, I change my mind real quick. Maybe you are just going through a rough time with two young ones...I'm guessing it will get better as they get older. Don't feel bad if you really don't enjoy staying home with them, maybe it means you were meant to be doing something else right now and everything will work out. And 9 months will breeze by as they will keep you busy! 2 yrs from now you will cherish the time you had at home with them
post #9 of 30
I totally hear you! I only have one (at least for the next 4 weeks) and about four months ago things got so bad that I was sure I was actually going to pop. Well- I haven't.
Having spent a number of years as a professional nanny and as a nanny agency placement counselor- I get the idea of childcare worker burn out. Yet somehow I never understood that mamas get burnout too. Professional nannies get to go home. Working daddies and mamas get to go to work all day and spend time with adults. They even get to go to the bathroom alone and sometimes get lunch! Mamas at home never get to leave their jobs...even to go to sleep. Of course you are going to hate it sometimes. You might even hate it a lot of the time for a while. Don't beat yourself up.

You generally don't have the option of quitting the way you would a crappy fry-cook job. But you do have the option of being selfish for a few days. When I get really low and start feeling "mean" I take a few days to relax my rules and my standards. The TV goes on for a few minutes. I spend more time on the phone while DS plays by himself. I let DS eat just cereal bars for lunch! And when DH comes home I go in the bathroom and spend 20 minutes tending to myself. I brush my hair, floss, pluck eyebrows, whatever. Sometimes I just run water and read! All those things and a trip out of the house (even just to Target) makes me more human for a few weeks.

Being selfish as a mama is hard to get used to for a lot of us but you will find that it is actually better for your whole family if you don't get to that end of the rope place as often! Self-sacrifice is only good if it helps someone else and it sounds like you are hitting a wall where you aren't able to feel like the good and helpful mama you really are.

Hug your babies and then walk away. Even just for a minute. They won't hate you or even remember that one time in twenty years! And hey- I haven't actually exploded yet and you probably won't either.

good luck and loads of hugs-
post #10 of 30

Maybe you could think of it this way.....

I know I really have no business on this thread seeing as I do not have any children yet. But I was a nanny for a number of years -- in what seems like another lifetime. Here's my thing: Little ones are irrational and it can make you crazy, but they can't help it. Adults don't have that excuse. And I come across irrational grownups all the time. They make me far crazier. Just now, I am once again considering quitting yet another job (non childcare that is) in a law office because one of the secretaries that I work with power-trips so much and it is just so uncalled for and irrational. I don't know how to deal with irrational grownups, you know??? But children, eventually you can find something to satisfy them since they haven't lived so many years that they are "set in their ways" and at least you love them to pieces!! If I could love that other secretary to pieces, it might help my situation. Anyway, children aren't the only ones who can be wholly irrational. You have nine more months to enjoy this natural lack of reason before heading back into the more adult world of frustrating big babies who should have more sense.
post #11 of 30
Originally Posted by royaloakmi
I hear 'ya! I have two year old twins and they annoy the bejeebers out of me a lot of the time.

The thing that saves me is regular babysitting. As my husband says, it's cheaper than the loony bin.

OMG! I was feeling so badly about the fact that my 23 month old ds annoys the crap out of me sometimes. I also love him to the point of distraction. Thanks for a good laugh and for reminding me that we all feel that way and that love and annoyance are not mutually exclusive
post #12 of 30
I've been home for 3 years now and it's getting on my nerves, too. My kids are 6 and 2 and they fight, make huge messes, and just get on my nerves. Somedays I long for my old job back with the commute to read the newspaper, the coffee breaks, lunch break, my own computer and phone... And more money!! I would LOVE to hire someone to clean my house!

I have no solutions, but you have my understanding!

One idea is to hire a mother's helper a few afternoons a week (a 12 year old girl from 3:30-5:30 and you could do stuff like take a shower by yourself). Or maybe join the YMCA or a gym with childcare, just to get a break. Or just make yourself get out of the house everyday. I know that is hard with a 2 month old, but even bundling everybody up and taking a walk around the block helps sometimes.

I know how hard it is. But I tell myself that it is all hard. Working full time and schelping kids to childcare is a whole other bundle of challenges.
I've done that and it is hard too.

Hang in there.
post #13 of 30
I hear you, I've been SAH for a little over a year now and really miss working. I know that having a job outside of the house is so much more challenging when you have a family to care for as well but I really miss it. Besides Dh really misses being able to stay at home and work on his programming.
post #14 of 30
but I always suspected that I would enjoy a baby but hate the early childhood times, and I do.
Oh I so hear you! I'm the same way. I found with my daughter that 14-20 months was the toughest time, and she was an easy toddler! lest she didn't care what cup or clothes etc. She just didn't want what was in the cup, or didn't want to get dressed. If I at all mention that I find my 14 month old a handfull and into everything I usualy get back how sweet and wonderful this age is and get made to feel guilty for thinking otherwise. Sure I know he's sweet, and cute and wonderful, so is my dd but that dosn't stop me from feeling like pulling my hair out.

For me after 20 months it started getting better. Now every child is an individual and will have there own phases of being easier and more difficult. So I can't say for sure yours will get easier soon, but he might. But if it's really difficult now think about how you may be near or at the difficulty peek.
A saying I keep in mind is 'This too shall pass'
That on the other side is an easier more satisfying time with your ds. My dd become so much more a person after she turned 2, someone that I could talk to and have more and more fun with. Also the change from 2 to 3 is huge. Sure she still drives me nuts now at 4, but the relationship we have now makes up for these bad times. There not the same child at all. I find one a difficult age, I find them hard to keep entertained and the safty aspect very hard. think lots of tiny toys from my eldest dd, a yet unfenced back deck and he totaly drives me nuts trying to get into my glass cabinate. And although I love my ds heaps and part of me dosn't want him to grow up too fast I will be kind of glad when he isn't one anymore.
post #15 of 30
I feel you. I have almost 3yo twin ds, and an 8mos dd. Sometimes I'm so envious of my dh for working! Just to get away from tiny people wanting every bit of me for every second they are awake! (I hope that doesn't sound too terrible. But I just want to pee by myself. Once, in my life.)

This is a terribly cliche'd thing to say, but what really helps me is running. I hate to say that, because seriously, what a cliche, "Oh, just get some exercise and you'll feel better," but it IS true, in my experience. All it takes is a will to get out of the house and sweat, and a partner/dh/whatever who is willing to parent for an hour by himself or herself. I think the exercise endorphins are nice but what's even BETTER is just being out by myself, just breathing in and out. You don't even have to run or do any meaningful exercise. Just walking, even, would be great.

I hope this helps, and I don't sound too cheesy.
post #16 of 30
Oh man, I'm so with you. I'm bored and lonely right now. I don't play well with children after 1 year and am just starting to relate to my 3year old. I've never been a "kid person" but somehow thought that I'd be different with my own kids. I am different, but I feel so trapped sometimes.

What's helped me immensely is using the free programs in our community, ie; the library story times and we have a gov't run play center that's free and has parenting workshops, workshops you do with your kids, etc. If I have something scheduled -even if it's with them- 2-3 times/week I'm much happier and so are they.

Exercise is essential to my well being (I didn't before and am in the process of losing 70-80lbs) and I try to spend about 30-60mins daily doing that. If the kids aren't cooperative to play by themselves (or the baby's nap doesn't jive with when I can) then I made a deal with dh and he watches them after supper and gets them ready for bed. I feel much more relaxed if I don't miss more than a day at a time doing my exercise videos.

I'm still bored and lonely and I have only one thing scheduled for the next month so I'm starting to get a little antsy and I'm only on my first day of nothing to do. I can't seem to get motivated if I don't have a set time I'm supposed to be somewhere. So I guess this is my month to work on that
post #17 of 30

So glad to have this forum!! I really think it's such a shame that moms cannot fully acknowledge that being a mom isn't all wonderful all the time...as a matter of fact, it can really stink at times....but that's true for alot of things. Hang in there and good for you for being so honest with yourself and giving us moms a chance to be honest too.
post #18 of 30
OMG do you live in my brain? I think it was about 20 months when I one morning slammed every door I could find in the house (early so DH was home) and then RAN out of the house and around the block (with my floppiest nursing bra on, not comfortable ).

A couple of days later a four hour fight/discussion with DH resulted in the following: EVERY morning I get ONE HOUR TO MYSELF. DH feeds the girls and gives them daddy time and I walk around the block and (gasp) take a shower!!! I have MIL help in the afternoon but that's not for "me" time it's to clear away the daily hurricane involved with toddler twins. I've started taking a few minutes to practice singing during that time. Damn the laundry, say I!

I can't say I'm sane, that may never happen. But I can say I like the kidlets again and when I breathe I'm not physically gasping in desparation.
post #19 of 30
ita, that there is silence that being a sahm mom sometimes SUCKS.

In my infinite wisdom, though, I look back on having a working mom and wish she'd stayed home. (Which is a whole other post, bc she was a widow and basically had to work to support us...)

When I was a senior in hs (1997), she finally stopped working, and I think of that as my favorite year of "kid-hood" because I was so happy she was around.
post #20 of 30
As a sahm what keeps me going is the thought that they will grow up so fast this time will end up being like the blink of and eye. Looking back on ur pg dosnt it seem as tho it was just a very short time: during it tho it lasted forever. The same thing will happen as your kids grow up. DD is already 5 years old and in pre k every day when I drop her off I feel a bit of sadness some days I fight off tears. Now that she is in school I do not get to see her but a total of 30min in the morning and 3-4 hours in the evening before bed time.

My ds is already 13months old and I know that before long he will be away from me to

What I do is every few months or when i get mommy burn out I take the kids to my mom's to watch for 5-8 hours this lets me relax and then I can go back to enjoying being with my kids.

I am so thankfull that my mom was a sahm for me and my brothers no matter what happened in my days I knew that she would be there for me when I woke up and when I came home.
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