So On Edge :( (just need to vent I guess)

[nighten]

I was dx with cyclothymia (rapid cycling) a few years ago -- a form of bipolar that is less extended periods and more like a zipper (constant ups and downs, with manic episodes being more hyper-irritability and anxiety than shopping, for example).

The terrible part is not being able to control my emotions/reactions -- my mind goes a zillion miles an hour and my mouth (or in the case of working on computers, my fingers) go right along with it -- out of control. It's like I can see myself over-reacting to something but I can't do anything to stop it. It's scary really.

And so a few years back I finally found a treament that worked like a miracle for me -- made me feel NORMAL again (first time in over 15 years) and it was wonderful -- then we started ttc and I slowly went off the treatment.

I've been off it now for over a year and using various techniques to try to deal with the ups and downs (all of which have worked fine until recently) but the further into this pregnancy I'm getting, the worse my mood cycling. It's to the point where I found myself eyeing the bottle of Xanax in the cabinet and nearly cried when I just shut the cabinet door and walked away.

But I'm so frazzled and on edge and angry and anxious and my relaxation techniques just aren't working -- at least not today. Some days yes, but today, not at all.

I'm just scared with the holidays coming up and the stress of it all -- I called my pdoc today and she suggested I make an appointment to talk about putting me on some kind of medication but I am scared to death of doing that -- I can't imagine how taking a mood altering drug WOULDN'T affect an unborn child somehow, I'm sorry. I just can't. She mentioned Buspar and Prozac. I haven't taken either of those but the thought of doing so makes me feel like a huge failure. I'm trying so hard to be so careful with what I put in my body, you know? Has anyone taken these?

Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent -- DH is sleeping peacefully and I'm wide awake and grinding my teeth over...nothing! And it's just upsetting is all.

I keep saying my little mantra though even if it doesn't work right away, but I tell you I am soo thankful that the placenta keeps the majority of stress hormones away from baby. Thank GOD.



Thanks for listening.

[FreeSpiritMama]

Renee, I'm sorry you are having a hard time I dont have any advice but I wanted to send you some s and let you know I'm thinking of you

[aprilushka]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this while pregnant.

I don't know anything about these issues, the only thing I would think that's natural that might help is making sure you exercise as hard as you can (ie, up to your natural pregnancy tolerance level) every day (if you aren't already doing that), it could help get rid of some of the excess stress that might feed some of your emotions. I don't know how well it works for some chemical problems, all I know is it helps me control my moods (pregnant or not).

[Black Orchid]

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. Is there a chance that this would go away after the holidays. I know medications during pregnancy are very controversial, but I would think that the benefit of having a healthy mother who is relaxed and sleeping properly would outweigh any possible side effects on the baby.

I myself, take Lexapro for an anxiety disorder. I didn't decide to continue lightly, but my experience with escalating sxs during and after pregnancy convinced me that I needed something more than meditiation and other coping mechs.

I think I would discuss this with my prenatal care provider also to get a second opinion. I hope you are able to find some peace.

[nighten]

Thank you for the kind replies, all.

It's always worse late at night, you know? I have an appt with the midwife today and will talk to her -- and will probably keep my appt with my pdoc just to get information. That won't hurt at least.

Hopefully it's not triggered by hormones so much as season -- and things will be manageable once the holidays are passed.

Thanks again for listening -- I needed that.

[nighten]

My midwife is still on maternity leave but the stand-in m/w saw me today and she was soooo sweet and understanding It helps so much to see a kind face at the doctor's office sometimes.

Anyway I told her what had been happening and she wrote me a prescription for Ativan, which she said I can take like Xanax (on an as needed basis) only it's safe during this stage of pregnancy.

I was so relieved I thought I'd cry right in her office.

My precious DH is getting the prescrip filled for me tomorrow and I'm going to take that as needed so I don't have to go back on a daily medication until after baby is born and breastfeeding is done (who knows when that will be).

Thanks so much for listening all, and the very kind words. I was having a really hard night and it helped a lot.

*hugs*

[jenny-g]

Originally Posted by nighten

My midwife is still on maternity leave but the stand-in m/w saw me today and she was soooo sweet and understanding It helps so much to see a kind face at the doctor's office sometimes.

Anyway I told her what had been happening and she wrote me a prescription for Ativan, which she said I can take like Xanax (on an as needed basis) only it's safe during this stage of pregnancy.

I was so relieved I thought I'd cry right in her office.

My precious DH is getting the prescrip filled for me tomorrow and I'm going to take that as needed so I don't have to go back on a daily medication until after baby is born and breastfeeding is done (who knows when that will be).

Thanks so much for listening all, and the very kind words. I was having a really hard night and it helped a lot.

*hugs*

Um, I hate to say this, but Ativan is pregn. catagory D. That's pretty bad. That means that there is a *definite* link to harm to the baby. JUST LIKE XANAX. (I've taken xanax before for anxiety, which is why I thought to look into this.)

PLEASE get a second opinion from someone else. I think this is another example of midwives not being up to par on understanding drugs. It is worse to take this drug in the first trimester, but it has certainly not been proven safe during this part of the pregnancy. She is incorrect.

If you problems are mostly at night, something like benadryl or even ambien, which are both in safe pregnancy catagories, might really help and might be worth a try before this.

I'm going to PM this to you just in case. I"d want to know if I was prescribed a catagory D medicaiton without knowing it. That's a big deal. You may want to do some google searches before you take anything. Did she tell you to take extra folic acid if you take it? Did she discuss any of the other risks? -j

[nighten]

She did not give me any additional instructions -- we had talked for a long time really about what was going on with me and I explained how I used to take Xanax (lowest dosage .025, half a pill, only as needed rarely) and that the other day I actually opened the medicine cabinet and looked at the bottle of Xanax. I didn't take any but I considered it. And that scared me.

Yes it troubles me that she prescribed me a cat D drug with no mention of it being unsafe -- but I am a responsible person -- I don't go overboard on drug taking and she knows that.

I also know that Ativan is presribed regularly for epileptics during pg to prevent GMS (Esp after first trimester), with few ill side effects. You weigh the pros and cons of the need and the timing.

Yet for her to give me the script and not TELL me it was cat D is very troubling!

And it begs the question: why not just have me take the Xanax? My pdoc had mentioned Buspar and Prozac but I am so against taking a daily preventative -- no clue on the Buspar but the Prozac can trigger my manic phase and the side effects are hell. It's not worth it imho. The baby is more affected by depression than stress though I do know this, so my pdoc is being proactive against the potential low/swing I'm sure. I only spoke with her on the phone the other day and am waiting on a call back today about the Ativan. (She just called back and said Ativan is really no diff than Xanax and I should only take it if I'm having the most horrendous day ever. I'm making an appt to see her and sit and talk about options for next week.)

Bottom line is that I wish my regular midwife were here. But she's not and so I'm making the best of a situation. And I'll have to weigh the pros and cons of the medication. In the past it helped just to carry the Xanax in my purse -- I didn't take it very often but just knowing I could made it easier to cope. I imagine it'll be the same with this medication. But I will know more when I am able to sit down with the pdoc.

BTW, I do have LOTS of other things I do (incl. rescue remedy, calms forte, lav oil, yoga, etc.) But none of these things address the fact that my brain chemicals are wacky. But what has worked in the past to temp relieve symptoms isn't working right now -- and what worked to prevent the symptoms isn't either, meds (I'm off those), changing my diet (I used to be strict Blood Type A diet, now I'm eating meat) and all that because I'm pregnant and am eating what my body's craving. It's what my body needs, and even if I wanted to there's some things I just can't stand right now.

And it's not just an insomnia issue -- yes, it tends to be worse late at night but I don't take benadryl and Ambien is highly addictive. I've taken coffea cruda sometimes and phos cell salts and even phenargen at times, but it's not just a can't sleep thing -- it's a brain thing. Make sense?

So I have to do something -- I know my limit and I'm fast approaching it and it would be very bad for me to spin off into a full blown BPD episode. I wonder if it isn't the holidays honestly -- I started freaking out about this time last year too, only I was still on Xanax as needed at the time. It's bizarre though as I love the holidays!

Anyway, I really appreciate the concern and the PM -- you sound like me with the whole raw egg/cheese thing -- bless your heart -- I know how it feels to be horrified by another person's uninformed choice. I'm not an idiot though and I'm very cautious about most things so I would only take the Ativan if I were absolutely freaking out, and I'll see what options the pdoc has for me, even if it means going on a daily preventative sigh, so long as it's safe.

But regardless, something's got to happen soon, for both my sake and the baby's. I am just incredibly thankful that I made it through the whole first trimester without having issues. Someone's definitely looking out for me. Who knows, maybe the flax seed oil will start kicking in and make everything better

Thanks for the concern though. I appreciate it

[AdinaL]

Ugh, that sounds tough. I have only had experience with any form of bipolar with and ex-bf, and it was tough stuff.

And not knowing what you can take is also tough. It is the same way with my asthma. Lots of conflicting info out there. Eventually, I got to the point where breathing was far more important.

I hope you can get some good answers about what you can take and find something that helps you, and feels right to YOU! Because ultimately, taking something that someone else says is right for whatever reason, but doesn't feel right to you, is just going to make you more stressed every time you need to take it.

[jenny-g]

Originally Posted by nighten

She did not give me any additional instructions -- we had talked for a long time really about what was going on with me and I explained how I used to take Xanax (lowest dosage .025, half a pill, only as needed rarely) and that the other day I actually opened the medicine cabinet and looked at the bottle of Xanax. I didn't take any but I considered it. And that scared me.

It sounds like, of course, you know yourself best, and you know if you need help! My post was mainly about the fact that she didn't give you the right information. If Xanax works for you, and both Xanax and Ativan are in the same catagory with similar effects.. why not take the Xanax? My mother had *horrific* mental side effects with Ativan (psychosis!), so we all react so differently to these things. If you know you tolerate xanax.. I don't understand why she didn't suggest that. your dose, also- that's a low dose. When I get on a plane, I have to take TWO AND A HALF milligrams. I have a very high body weight, but still.. now, that is a rediculously high dose! It's the only time anymore I have to take it. Needless to say, no planes during this pregnancy.

One other question is if wether taking a daily, long acting medication simlar (but not) prozac- a catagory C- might be better in the long run for both you and your baby? Wellbutrin is a catagory B!! (which is fine for pg!) Worth a shot? Only you can make that decision, but it sounds like perhaps only a specialist with experience in these matters would be up to date on the information enough to make that assessment. There isn't agreement that ambien is truly addictive, say, in the way Xanax can be! If you've been okay with Xanax till now it doesn't seem you would have to worry as much about that, so I wouldn't count it out as an option- but of course, as you correctly point out, insomnia isn't the problem- it's a symptom.

I'm sure you are a totally responsible and well informed ( of course- you are on here! ) person. But, gosh, any of us are at risk for being victims of misinformation. I know I was about some medication my midwives didn't understand.

BTW, I wasn't horrified at any uninformed choice, I just wanted to pass on some info I knew about since it sounds like we've been though some simliar things . I know- I KNOW- my brain is off kilter ever since I"ve been pregnant, and that's why I have such bad insomnia. I always get that when I have depression (and during PMS). However, it's not super bad since I have a lot of flexibility with my job hours, and as long as I eventually get enough sleep I'm ok. The main side effect is me posting way too much on these boards I TOTALLY understand how it gets worse with pregnancy- especially around the holidays (me too!), and all we can do is do our best. If Xanax works for you, and you just need it a bit around the holidays- that's pretty darn different than having to take it every day just to survive. (And in that case, there are better drugs than xanax!)

Best of luck to you with this.

[nighten]

Thanks for the kind words and you're both correct -- I have to do what feels safest and best for me right now. I talked to my pdoc again and she wasn't irritated or anything with the midwife's decision -- she was actually surprisingly respectful, albeit perplexed.

She said that there must be a reason why the midwife has a "higher comfort level" with the Ativan than Xanax, and that would be why she'd prescribe it for me. My pdoc also made a comment in passing about the Lamictal, which is what I was taking prior to TTC and I suddenly remembered an article I'd read. Lamictal was only recently approved for use for BPD, as it's typically used for epilepsy. Ativan is also used in pg to treat epileptics. Moreso than Xanax even? (Not sure why -- I will have to find that article again.) So my bet is the midwife has had experience treating epileptic mamas and has prescribed Ativan more than Xanax and thus seen the responses. That's a guess but it makes sense to me.

I'm not going to call her -- I've been thinking about it all day, but she's not a stupid woman -- yes, there's always a chance she might be uninformed, but I'm thinking there was a reason she did what she did and I'm going to accept it and leave it at that and maybe talk to my regular midwife in January if I"m still feeling confused or concerned about it.

Plus, someone made mention in this or another thread (they've all blended together into a blur of midwives and drugs thing in my head haha) about how doctors say/do things to cover their butts, etc. -- don't get me wrong, my pdoc is great (my fave of all my docs def, though the most expensive) but she makes it a habit NOT to prescribe Xanax or Ativan type pills for her pg patients -- but her first response when I called her the other day was to see if I'd talked to my obgyn about it. It wasn't until after I explained about my midwife being on leave, etc., that she said okay, come and see me then.

I decided after that to mention it all to the interim m/w. And thus the chaos ensued!

So anyway I've decided I'm going to stick the bottle in the cabinet for now and keep my appt with the pdoc to get more info later. She had also mentioned Wellbutrin -- I'd forgotten about that. Thing is that typical anti-deps can trigger manic episodes, and need to be supplemented in cases. I don't want to go back to a cocktail of pills, not while I'm playing host to my percolating little girl.

But we'll see. You're right, there might be something else out there. I just hate to get on the try-this-one-for-a-bit merrygoround while I'm pg. It's unfun enough to do that when (haha! I nearly typed sober, as if being pg is an under-the-influence thing, which I guess it is sort of *laughs*)...not pg.

I talked to my DH a long time about it (he's thinking a lot more clearly [soberly hehe] than I am atm) and he said that the pdoc knows more about pills but the midwife knows more about pregnant mamas. And "the key is moderation" and I think he's right. He knows I'm not gonna go nuts with these or any pills, but maybe just having them and knowing if I took one I'd be okay, will be enough.

Anyway sorry that was so long. But I feel bad about the threads I've posted getting so tense, and FWIW, I'm already feeling better just having those silly pills in my cabinet. Thanks for being so concerned and supportive. I really appreciate it. *hugs*

PS. The funny thing is the bottle has the midwife's name on it with "Dr." in front. I wonder if that's a typo...?

[AdinaL]

Good luck finding whatever works for you honey...I remember my ex trying to get the correct med combo, and it is just an unpleasant road.

[jenny-g]

Originally Posted by nighten

But we'll see. You're right, there might be something else out there. I just hate to get on the try-this-one-for-a-bit merrygoround while I'm pg. It's unfun enough to do that when (haha! I nearly typed sober, as if being pg is an under-the-influence thing, which I guess it is sort of *laughs*)...not pg.

I have to say that made me laugh out loud and nod my head. It is SO like NOT being sober!! That was really a perceptive comment . I may use that if someone asks me how I"m feeling. "not sober".

I hear you on the trying to find something that works bit- especially since things might affect you differently when you are pg vs. not! It's a hard, pain in the ass road. I think, above all, if you do really feel you need to take something, and you're near that edge (I understand that place)- TAKE IT and don't feel bad about it one tiny bit. We all do what we have to do and none - not one- of our pregnancies occur under "perfect" circumstances .

[nighten]

Bless you both just for listening!

*laughs*

I feel so much better