Things we don't say to our children - Page 3

[AndiG]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

For me? I think it's wrong because it teaches children that they can't really know when to be done eating, and that they must rely on someone else to decide for them. Instead of them recognizing and understanding that feeling of "Okay, I've had enough and do not want to eat this anymore." ... It's just not kind, or useful IMO and can come back to bite someone in the booty later... Food issues last a long time. It's just my opinion though, and I understand other people do what they feel is best.

Ok, this is a reasonable point and I can see that you might not want to create food issues (or launch into a parenting debate on this thread). I stand by my decision to encourage her to eat because in our situation (I'll elaborate in a second) it really needs to be done.
DD is four, very tall for her age and barely 36lbs. She has no body fat at all and has a very very very fast metabolism. If given a choice, she would subsist on milk, orange juice and gold fish crackers, peanut butter and bananas. If encouraged (and by this I mean sometimes directed by her father and I) to try to eat other things that appear on her plate (brown rice, protein sources other than peanut butter, and veggies). She will eat them happily but would rather run and play than eat most of the time and she is sometimes a bit choosy. At different times we have left her alone (stopped encouraging eating) for prolonged periods and it has often resulted in her behaviour being significantly affected (she eats 'just' enough to feel hungry and then 10 minutes later is begging for more and/or her behaviour becomes really outlandish the next morning because she didn't have enough dinner and her blood sugar gets all out of wack. And we've also seen her become more susceptible to being cold and tired and run down if we don't attempt to regulate her food intake. She needs to eat properly in order to be healthy and happy. For some children this isn't an issue, our son could eat four course meals or nothing and you would seen NONE of the behaviour and health related issues that we see in his sister.


In that case I would just make sure there was a plate of food/snack available for her as she needs and/or wants it. I would just say "Okay, well lets stick the rest of your lunch in a container in the fridge and you can help yourself to it later if you want it." Or "If you are done for now let's just leave the crackers and oranges on the table for a bit in case you get hungry again." Heck at 29 I am not always terrific at approximating how much of something I need either This way the child is still in control of when she is eating and when she is full, but the food remains available.

Yes, I can again see your point. At lunch I am very flexible about her intake, but when she is having dinner (at 530, before going to bed for 12 hours at 7pm) I don't feel that I can let her away with two bites and then work on snacks to fill her up. Again related to the sort of blood sugar sensitivity that I noted above. if she eats very little for supper and goes 14 hours until she eats again, the behaviour repercussions are HUGE. And for us, I think that my encouraging her to eat more at supper is far less damaging than everyone having to deal with a 7:15 a.m. super melt down over nothing (which is what happens. without. fail. Its nasty)


Again for me, because it's not helpful. If my child is having a problem we discuss it without the label. "I noticed you seem to be angry/upset/frustrated. Is that why you threw the book? Would you like to talk about it? Sometimes I feel like throwing things too." etc.

Ok, and I say this without anger. You're a better mom than me. I don't always have the time to have a discussion about their behaviour. Sometimes, when a child is supposed to be putting on their boots and instead they're twirling around the front hall and jumping up and down on their sister's nap sack and crushing everyones lunches while I try to get my own shoes on past my 7 months pg belly while my four year old tattles about what the whirling dirvish is doing, I don't pause to ask why we're being silly, I tell him he's not doing as I asked, that Mommy is serious, I need him to put on his boots please and to stop acting naughty. There, I said it.
I'm not knocking myself down, I'm a good parent, but I just sometimes think that a debate about the 'why' of the behaviour does not always work out for our schedules.

[LeftField]

Originally Posted by APMom98

"why? I hate brushing my teeth. I don't want to do it. Why are you so mean? You're just a big mean mommy head. I never really liked you."

"You are brushing your teeth adn that's final. Now. In the bathroom."

"but why"

"because I'm the mommy and I said so."

Ugh. Sometimes I really, really hate myself.

My kids have gone through periods where they hate teeth-brushing too and it's not open for negotiation. But when my oldest would try to fight the whole thing and demand, 'why', I would simply tell him the truth. I'm brushing your teeth, because if they don't get brushed, you'll get boo-boos in your mouth and your teeth might fall out. I felt terrible when I first told him that, like I was going to traumatize him. But it's the truth. If you don't brush teeth, they rot. So, it worked for him. I had to remind him every now and then. I'm doing this "mean Mommy" thing, because I if I don't, your mouth will hurt and your teeth will fall out. I'm doing it to protect your teeth.

Don't get me wrong. I have said, "because I said so" before and felt very frustrated and sad that I blurted it out. But I wanted to share what worked for us in this situation.

[greenstone]

andiG, I agree with your last point.Discussion is a good thing, but sometimes kids-especially older ones- need to just DO without any long winded discussion taking place........its not a control issue for me, but rather a- we need to do this now so things run smoothly and everyone is happy- type of thing. Toddlers and preschoolers obviously need more time, but older kids can manage to follow in structions without a legnthy explanation if time is short.

[kidbound]

Wanna hear a kicker of something never to say to your kids? My OWN brother, this Thanksgiving, called his 2 1/2 year old girl this after she turned her head when he was talking to her!!!

Are you ready for it??

"You are such a little witch"

But guess what!! It wasn't the word witch! I was praying it was. (it would be bad, but not as bad as what I thought he said) I looked at my dh and he confirmed for me what was just said. He left the room and called to me from the kitchen. We had a talk, went back in with my brother and his family and said we were heading home. (2hr. drive) We didn't say why, because he is a very angry person, and would have started a yelling match, to which he would have won.

Needless to say, my dh and I have agreed that we will avoid this situation (my brother) at all costs from now on.

[MillingNome]

What I would never say:

If you go out that door, don't bother coming back.
Don't date him/her.
You're stupid.
Those clothes don't match.
I hate you.
I'm going to kill ya.
You're ugly.

Etc etc...or aything that sounds like the above.

[MrsMoe]

I never say "you are bad" or "you are <insert negative word here>"

[mamabeca]

Wow Kidbound. That's got me speachless. Seriously. Woah. That fella does have some issues...too bad his kid is his dumping ground

[redhotmama]

How about,
"I don't want to see you out of that bed again, there's nothing scary in your room."

[Starflower]

"You're driving me crazy!"

My mom used to say this and threaten to run away to asylum when she was frustrated. She never would have, but I didn't know that when I was a kid.

I concentrate very hard when I have reached my limit to say things like "I am feeling very frustrated right now" instead of telling DD she's driving me nuts.

I also do not say:

Because I said so
Just wait until your father gets home....
You don't really mean that....
Namecalling of anykind
(My dad did this - and they were often worse than the B-word.)

Good girl/bad girl (it's so hard to keep grandparents from doing this!)

[SunRayeMomi]

OT:

Yesterday I told dd she couldn't play with the cat anymore for a little while, and she told me she hates me first time she ever said that and I said "I know you're upset. I will leave you alone now" and left the room. She immediatly started apologizing, saying she didn't mean it. Then she fell asleep in my arms (just sleepy i guess!). Now, I could've yelled about how wrong it is to say that to me, or how "naughty" she was acting, but what would that have done? Upset her more, upset me more, and I knew better. I knew she was just tired and needed a nap. I don't agree that labeling behaviour is ever really effective either. That doesn't mean I;ve never done it : but I certainly don't agree with myself when I do...

[secretresistance]

I agree with at least 99 percent of things brought up in this thread. There are a few that are personally reprehensible to me, along the lines of

"You're not being funny, and you're not being cute!"-Thrown out when a child is doing something "bad" "just for attention." Ughh!

Anything that resembles "Stop crying."

"Don't pay attention to her, that's what she wants."

And, as someone else mentioned, the mimicing of a child's whining or crying to hurt them.

I can still feel what it was like to have those things done/said to me. Yuck.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by SunRayeMomi

He said, "put on your coat, it's cold out" she already had on a warm hoodie, so she refused the coat. He insisted. she refused again. and so on for a minute or two.

Ds' dad does this, too. He also does the "one more bite" thing (although with him, it's more like "you need to eat more of your <blank>"). It's one of those things about being a single parent that drives me batty.

I've been guilty of saying some of the things on this thread during moments of intense stress and frustration (like, "Why do you have to....") but I generally try to stay away from anything that judges my child's behavior in any way and isn't constructive.

I also make a point to not say, "You can't..." I used to say it a lot just out of habit until I realized one day that yeah, actually he CAN.... quite frequently DOES. So I've changed to, "We don't..." (as in "We don't stick our fingers up people's noses in our family.") Still, obviously we DO sometimes, but with "We don't" I feel like I'm vocalizing a preferred norm for our household.

[AndiG]

a comment on the 'you're not being funny' comment. We do have to say this to ds from time to time. He has what we lovingly refer to as the comedy gene. My brother is super super funny. Like imagine a white Will Smith at his peak and that's what I grew up with. My son has that sense of comedic timing and joy. So it makes for some pretty funny times. BUT he's not yet three and hasn't yet learned that ALL the time is not the time for being silly and funny. He gets a lot of positive attention, really he does, but take a situation that is tense or following a schedule and while other children might act stressed, our son gets funny. I mean hold your sides, laugh while the tears roll down your cheeks funny.
So we're working on telling him that there are silly times and there are times when we must do our jobs (put on our coats, boots, etc) Its a bit more positive than "you're not funny" and more effective. Becuase 'you're not funny' just leads to him flashing you a KILLER smile and telling you in his precociously clear speaking voice "Yes I am mommy. I am a HAMSTICK" (a hamstick is a made up thing that my children declare themselves when they are being particularly amusing)

[secretresistance]

Originally Posted by AndiG

a comment on the 'you're not being funny' comment.

I can picture the kinds of situations you're talking about, and it doesn't have the same feel to it as what I'm talking about. Totally different intentions from the parent/caregiver, you know? I should have tried to be more specific about the tone and reasoning behind it being said the times I've heard it. It's a touchy one for me, but only with the tone that I attach to it, because of what's most familiar to me.

The way you describe it with your son, I don't have that automatic feeling of shame/loneliness that I get when I hear it being said certain ways. It sounds great at your house!

[I used to privately refer to my cousin as the white Will Smith, ha!]

[SunRayeMomi]

I also make a point to not say, "You can't..." I used to say it a lot just out of habit until I realized one day that yeah, actually he CAN.... quite frequently DOES.

Yes, and when dd says "I can't do it!" or something similar, I also here try to remind her that "she CAN!" We don't like the can't word

[mamabeca]

Ok, I need some help here. My dd has her favorite foods, that she happily eats (duh, macaroni, za, etc.). We're wheat free here, so they're not traditional, but regardless, pasta and breads, rice, some kinds of meats are ok, most types of fruit, etc. So what about the veg? I will usually offer 2-4 kinds of veg. at dinner (squash and peas, for example, or mixed veg. and asparagus, or a tomato and onion salad along with a green garden salad). But usually she will leave salads (unless they're loaded w/mayo or ranch) and hot veg, eating only the starch and meat. Grrrrrr. It makes me mad because I KNOW she likes these, she's eaten them loads. I do sneak some veg in, like processed zucchini in a lasagne, or processed foods in soups/stews. She will eat some, but not others. She drives me nuts. I DO remember this. BUT she lies about it - I'm not hungry, she says. Followed by Can I have more XXX? AAAAAAAAARG. So - what do I say? Yes, it's ok to have more homefries, even though your tablespoon of peas is congealing? She gets fresh veg, organic, and often she helps to prepare it. I don't know what else to do. I HAVE said you need to eat X # of bites (usually her age or less). I KNOW that it makes her not trust her instincts, but I also know that she NEEDS to have nutrients, and that getting these down the hatch now makes them familiar and way more likely to be eaten as she matures. Big sigh. Tell me mamas - I'm trying todo the "right" thing for her... any advice?

[the_queen]

Originally Posted by kidbound

Wanna hear a kicker of something never to say to your kids? My OWN brother, this Thanksgiving, called his 2 1/2 year old girl this after she turned her head when he was talking to her!!!

Are you ready for it??

"You are such a little witch"

But guess what!! It wasn't the word witch! I was praying it was. (it would be bad, but not as bad as what I thought he said) I looked at my dh and he confirmed for me what was just said. He left the room and called to me from the kitchen. We had a talk, went back in with my brother and his family and said we were heading home. (2hr. drive) We didn't say why, because he is a very angry person, and would have started a yelling match, to which he would have won.

Needless to say, my dh and I have agreed that we will avoid this situation (my brother) at all costs from now on.

I met this new neighbour of mine, and had known her for a couple of weeks. Our daughters were the same age (2 at the time) I often heard her screaming and yelling at the kid. One day I heard it in the front yard, and looked out my window. The mother had the car door open and was trying to get the kid to climb into the car by herself. These are the exact words she used (or rather, SCREAMED at the top of her lungs):

GET IN THE F***ING CAR
GET IN THERE NOW
GET IN THE F***ING CAR YOU LITTLE SL*T

I am not kidding. The kid was 2 years old. I called the child abuse hot line.

[shanagirl]

My SIL came to a holiday once--they were late, and she was behind her dd who was 5 at the time, and they both looked miserable, and SIL pointed to her daughter and mouthed the word "*-itch" behind her back about 5 times in explanation for why they were late. I just never thought I would know anyone who would refer to their own child this way.

mamabeca-- I think it's natural for many children not to like vegetables because so many are bitter, even the ones we think of as sweet taste bitter or just too 'green' or sulfury for children's palates. Hooray for the children who do like veggies but I really can understand why the ones who don't, don't. What I do instead is make sure dd has fresh (organic, like you) raw fruit at every meal. I only get what's good in season -there's nothing worse than having to eat a mealy apple because it's good for you. And there is a frozen beverage we get at Whole Foods called "Green Machine" which is pureed green veggies and apple/pineapple juice-- dd loves it. It looks disgusting but it is actually really delicious. DD will drink it -- and we always have fun getting her friends to try it--we call it monster juice. Kids are actually proud of liking something that looks so gross, but its really a testament to how good the juice is.

Soup is a great way to work veggies in as long as the taste is mellow and not too strong of any one veggie.

[TeaBag]

Originally Posted by mamabeca

I KNOW that it makes her not trust her instincts, but I also know that she NEEDS to have nutrients, and that getting these down the hatch now makes them familiar and way more likely to be eaten as she matures. Big sigh. Tell me mamas - I'm trying todo the "right" thing for her... any advice?

We follow the one bite rule in our house. They must take one bite of everything on their plate. I read somewhere (here? Not sure) that children need to taste something several times to decide whether they like it or not. So, I *know* that ds hates peas. So on nights that I serve peas, I also serve green beans or corn (two veggies he doesn't HATE) And I don't put peas on his plate. But, as long as they have tasted each thing on their plate, they may have more of whatever else they want. For our family, it seems to be the balance between "eating nothing but starches (ds)" and "force feeding them" I was one of the kids that had to stay at the table until bedtime if I didn't finish my plate. And if I still didn't finish it, I got it cold for breakfast, or for dinner (usually my oatmeal! which I still hate). So, like broccoli, it isn't something he will choose for himself, so I put one tiny stalk on his plate, and he has to eat that. Then he can have whatever else he wants.

And on the personality thing, both my girls are veggie eaters. They *run* for the artichokes in the grocery store and get soooo excited when I buy asparagus. They will choose my salad over bread. They don't get too excited about sweets. Not sure what the difference is, other than personality. We've always had the same rules for food, so it's not like they followed different guidelines, you know?

But the other day, ds, who hasn't eaten (voluntarily--not hidden I mean) in fruit in over two years...came into the kitchen and said "Can I get an apple?" I about dropped the potato I was peeling!!!! I simply said "Sure, hon. Do you want to wash it yourself or do you want me to?" and he got it and washed it and ate more than half of it! So maybe things are looking up on the veggie/fruit front! :

[3_opihi]

I will never say

Go Away
Shut Up
I Don't Care

And a lot of other things, but those are the ones that really get me personally,