Need to vent....need some feedback....

[mykdsmomy]

Hi everyone...I apologize for coming here to make this announcement and kind of let it all out but here goes......I surrender, I've been defeated, the infertility demon wins....I think I have been having a minor breakdown the last couple of weeks but today was the straw that broke the camel's back. I really really thought this was our month....I really really thought the clomid worked.....it didnt. Four years of ttc and begging and praying for another baby and the answer is no. I am so angry at God right now and it's shaking the very core of my belief system. I dont understand how the one thing that my body is supposed to know HOW to do, is failing. I dont understand how millions of women conceive babies every day and I CANT. I have no control over this situation...it has overtaken my life, crushed my spirit and is now making me question my God. Why is this so difficult?
I decided tonight that i'm not going to proceed with the second round of clomid next month, I'm tossing my bbt, i've deleted all my links to ttc boards (except mdc) and we're done.
How do I go on now? How do I not yearn for the baby I want so badly? How do I not get jealous of friends who are pregnant or have babies? How do I respond when my friends say "oh, i'm sorry it hasnt happened yet but it will"? Im so emotionally drained and empty and angry right now......I dont even have the energy to go back and make sure I dont have any typos...so sorry if this doesnt make a whole lot of sense.....I just needed to let it out to people who understand.....thanks...

[GeemiesMommie]

No words of wisdom here... Just wanted to say that you're not alone--I'm there, too. My tiny little one and only girl is 17 months and still nursing. I'm 40 and have been thru #3 rounds of Gonal-F injections with ultrasounds to stimulate my ovaries since July. Nothing. No baby. My body is failing me. How can it work for people every single day--fat chicks, skinny chicks, old chicks, chicks with one ovary or one tube--and not THIS chick!!!??? Am I really that OLD?!!!

I don't know how to move on, either.

[vermonttaylors]

to you mama, this sucks! I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to send you love and hope you can find peace in this process.

[alicia622]

I understand. DH and I started TTC 11 years ago. We did not spend the whole 11 years trying but at least half were totally focused on trying to get pregnant. When I started clomid, I was positive it would finally work and while I did have some good follicles, it didn't work. Each month I would go from one extreme to the other emotionally. Thrilled and excited, nervous and anxious, miserable and depressed. Finally, it got to be too much and I decided I just couldn't do it anymore.

I got through it mostly by having supportive friends and regular therapy!!!

s:

[hockeylover]

I know exactly what you're all feeling. I've done my 1st (and probably last) round of IVF this week and we had our transfer yesterday. We had 8 embryos growing but ultimately 7 of them were abnormal. We transferred 1 which is also questionable but the PGD was inconclusive so we decided to go for it and we'll see what happens assuming it all sticks. We've got a long way to go before we have any news one way or another.

We won't do IVF again because with 12 eggs removed, we know that 11 of them were abnormal so what's the point of going through all that again?. I'm 41 and that's just crushing to me to think that my eggs are all "bad". We're NOT that old. Physically or emotionally so why are we going through this totally painful, unexplained, unsympathetic process? It makes me angry that all of us are having so much trouble. We don't deserve it. I'm willing to bet that we haven't had wild and crazy lives to deserve this when all we want is a little baby to cuddle.

Yes, I'm blessed that I have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old DD that was conceived naturally. And with what we've gone through this week, it makes me feel like she's the miracle baby since everything else seems to be "abnormal". It all couldn't have gone bad in 2 years could it??

Mykdsmomy, I also don't know how to "get over" this. My sister is pregnant so while I'm happy for her (obviously), I have to deal with that as well. All I can say is that I'm glad we have this forum to vent, bitch, scream and cry and we have sympathic people who totally understand. As much as my DH is there for me and he's upset too, it's not exactly the same.

to all of us.

[juju's mom]

No words of wisdom, but going thru the same things.