Someone must have made a mistake

[Beeblebrox]

I don't think I was meant to be a mother. I can't handle this job anymore. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm absolutely miserable. I want to run away. I'm worn down, tired, I physically ache. I'm crying all the time. I'm getting so angry at everyone. I threw a lamp across the room because I couldn't get it to turn on. This isn't me. I hate myself for the way I'm acting. I don't ever do this around DD, but I feel like she can still sense it. I'm at a loss. I tried to make an appointment to see someone, but DD won't let me leave. She refuses to calm down for anyone, but me. She screams bloody murder in her carseat. So I can't bring her with me and I can't leave her with anyone because if god forbid she wake up while I'm gone, it's all over. I can't leave the house with her except on foot and then it's only about a ten minute walk because I have to turn around to be near home in case she has a meltdown.

I feel suffocated and trapped. I feel like my life is on some sort of repeat cycle that never seems to improve. Even if I do see someone about this what can they do? Drugs won't help this. It isn't a drug thing, it's a situation thing. Unless a doctor can wave a magic wand and make it "all better"(the situation) then I don't know how things will be helped much by seeing someone.

I feel so guilty that I feel any of this. I know it's not my DD's fault, but I'm starting to resent her and long for easier times. I keep counting down each week. I feel like she can't age quick enough, but I know that's stupid of me to even think and that I'll regret even thinking it once the fog clears. I'm afraid I'm missing out...I know I'm missing out. I hold her, hug her, play with her, talk to her, but it just doesn't feel right.

I desperately want to sleep, but I dread it at the same time. If my husband sits up with her while I sleep ( holds her while she sleeps) it's only a matter of time before I hear the screaming. My whole body jolts up and my nerves are shot. I can barely fall asleep half the time because even when she's with him and sound asleep I swear I can hear a baby crying. I come out, and nothing. She's been asleep the whole time.

I don't know, this post is just really rambly and I'm sorry, but I'm just so tired. I'm so overwhelmed. I hate my life right now.

[mlec]

I'm glad you posted, mama. It's good to acknowledge how your feeling, and even to acknowledge that you feel guilty for feeling that way.

If your daughter is not a newborn, maybe using the crying in arms approach could help. Could you have your dh care for her for awhile, and you go as far away as possible in your home and sleep w/ earplugs for awhile? If you could catch up a bit on your sleep, it may help you dramatically.

Wish I could do something to help you. Sorry things are so rough for you right now.

Oh--how old is your dd

[Beeblebrox]

Thank you for responding. DD is 12 wks old. Every once in awhile we try to have my DH calm her, but she gets so upset and I feel so awful that I take her back.

[ladybugchild77]

Mama!
I read your post and had to respond becasue I have totally felt that way! I don't think you should feel guilty because it is a totally normal reaction to feel overwhelmed at times in our lives. Motherhood was a lot harder than I thought it would be and even though I love my dd more than ANYTHING there have been times when I was like, "Wow. this sucks." It does sound like you need some sleep so perhaps you can try to sleep with dd when she naps if handing her off to dh is not working. Just let the house get messy too! Focus on sleep. My dd was also a very fussy babe until she became more acclimated to the world around her. As far as your dc not taking to your dh, this is a phase (at least it was in my experience) and will pass. Another thing that helped me was to take baths with my dc. I would totally write more but have to go write a final exam. Good luck and HTH! Please pm me if you want to talk more - I have so been there!!!

P.S. - I forgot to tell you what a great Mama you are!!!

[Jaimep]

Sorry you are having such a bad time mama. The sleep thing is really hard with the first child, because you aren't used to it. After a while your body gets used to a more frequent waking cycle and will adjust. Not saying you won't be tired, but it won't be as bad.

Does your DH wear the baby in the sling? Mine does and it really helps. Baby loves the closeness and will sleep in the sling. Gives DH a good way to bond as well. Another idea to help baby become better with dad is take baths together. It is my DH's favorite time of day. He gets IN the tub with the kids. The baby likes the warm water and dad gets to help/bond. Your DD is smart and knows where the food comes from that is why you are so comforting to her.

I also feel for you on the screaming in the car thing. My DD did that and it was AWFUL. You feel trapped at home and stressed in the car. One suggestion I did was this, check your infant seat to make sure it has good padding all the way down, under the material. Our seat only had it half way, so my chiropractor said to add more all the way down...just enough for support. It seems to have helped ALOT! I hot glued it on so it doesn't move.

You are doing a good job and it will get better. Hang in there.

[Wugmama]

The first few months of my dd's life were the worst ever of my life. It was horribly hard to get through. Afterwards, I would see pg women on the street and start to cry for them because I knew they had no idea of what they were getting into. At one point I slammed my phone into the wall because I was home alone with my dd and couldn't get a hold of my dh and was losing it. It was winter and I was so very close to scooping up my dd, wrapping her in a blanket, and running her next door in my bare feet through the snow to ring the door bell and make my neighbor take her. They only thing that stopped me was fear they'd call CP. That was the worst day. lt did get slowly better.

Please do anything you can do to get some sleep. You will be amazed at the difference it can make. Your story sounds a lot like mine - you gotta believe that your dd will be fine with dh - he WILL find his own way of soothing her if given the chance. And even if he doesn't, she is still better off crying with him while you get some sleep so that you are not losing it. I know it is super hard with the nursing (If you are doing that). Even if you pumped and even if dd takes a bottle, you still can get so engorged so quickly when the baby is only 12 weeks along. That gets better too. I've read that by 17 weeks your body is more regulated with the breast milk.

You are not alone sweetie - my thoughts are with you!

~Tracy

[Ruthla]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now.

[Pookietooth]

to you mama. You are having a tough time, but this too shall pass. Have you thought of trying supplements, you can order those online. One that can help is 5HTP (see: http://www.doctormurray.com/B5htpFAQ.htm for more info). As far as your dd crying in her carseat, can you have someone else drive and you sit in the back and nurse her strapped in? That always worked with ds. You could even do that in a cab, I would guess. Or you could try different toys back there to distract her. Or maybe try a different carseat, maybe the one you have isn't comfortable? She's probably big enough for a convertible carseat now, that might be more cushy.

[kaydee]

Please remember that when you are depressed, you simply cannot rationally assess a situation. Depression lies to you about your life. Treating depression whether with medication or therapy or diet or exercise or a combination will help shut the depression up and make it stop.

It WILL get better.

I found the first several months of motherhood to be pure hell, quite honestly. It is hard enough when you are not depressed---and nearly impossible when you are.

But when the depression lifted (which, for me, required medication, along with counseling and other healthy steps), it was a completely different story. Motherhood was still very very hard--but it also became beautiful and, most importantly, managable.

I realized that it was not my life I hated, but my PPD.

Please get help. It is NOT that you are not meant to be a mother. It is NOT that there is something wrong with you or your situation. That is the depression talking.

[DanAbimytwomiracle]

Originally Posted by kaydee

Please remember that when you are depressed, you simply cannot rationally assess a situation. Depression lies to you about your life. Treating depression whether with medication or therapy or diet or exercise or a combination will help shut the depression up and make it stop.

It WILL get better.

I found the first several months of motherhood to be pure hell, quite honestly. It is hard enough when you are not depressed---and nearly impossible when you are.

But when the depression lifted (which, for me, required medication, along with counseling and other healthy steps), it was a completely different story. Motherhood was still very very hard--but it also became beautiful and, most importantly, managable.

I realized that it was not my life I hated, but my PPD.

Please get help. It is NOT that you are not meant to be a mother. It is NOT that there is something wrong with you or your situation. That is the depression talking.

What she said.

It DOES sound like you are depressed, and even is she cries you need to get help - and SHE needs you to get help.
Make an appt, and go. She will survive, it is not like she will be CIO alone.

I had severe PPD and did not recognize it. i thought I was just a bad mom .

[KrisPlusFour]

That sounds EXACTLY like me when I was in the grips of severe PPD. Drugs just might help, you won't know 'til you try. My dd4 was EXACTLY like yours is. The meds helped me calm down, and I was able to handle her dependence on me MUCH easier. You're NOT alone, and you're most certainly not the wrong person for the job. Hang in there, momma. Try to talk to your Doctor. Get some meds and/or counseling. It REALLY can do a world of good. HUGS to you!

[luckylady]

for you!!! My DD was also like yours - and I HATED being a mother in the beginning - I felt like everyone else's life was normal and I had stepped into the twilight zone, never able to return. On top of the baby being very high needs, I also had PPD and didn't even know that that's what it was because the feelings I had were of RAGE and toward me - that I was a terrible mother, I even thought I should kill myself so DD could have a better mother when DH remarried. Definitely PPD. It sounds like you might feel the same way, though maybe not to that extreme.

My advice - take some time for you. I HAD to and DH would have to just deal with DD screaming her head off for 30 minutes while I took a bubble bath, or an hour while I went for a walk alone.

It's such a HARD transition. Please talk to someone about your PPD because you can get help. You would be surprised how many women experience it. I am pregnant with #2 now and I am preparing in advance to experience PPD since I experienced antenatal depression in the begnning of my pregnancy. I am not looking forward to it, but at least this time around I have better coping skills and awareness of what it is.

[Beeblebrox]

Thank you to everyone who wrote to me. I appreciated your words of support. I was having a REALLY bad moment when I wrote the OP and I needed to get it all out. I've called someone regarding counseling, but they haven't gotten back to me yet : . I can't wait to feel like a normal person again. Thank you again.

[frannyfresh]

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I felt the same when my dd was your dc age. I still do sometimes. Just love your dc. It sounds like you may have a high needs child. I could not leave my dd even w/ my sister or mother. When she was 2 months I lost my job and we just decided that I would stay home with her because it was what she needed. Are you nursing? Maybe you should repond by nursing dc if you are.
I have spent the last 12 months w/ my dd and she has just blossomed. I simply responded to her cries and now she is such a well adjusted child. I know that a year might sound like a long time to you now but it has flown by.

[gabysmom617]

I feel this way sometimes.

Yes, I agree with everyone. You can get help.

Also, are you wearing your baby? It helped keep DS quiet when I wore him, and even DH could wear him and quiet him down. I wish I had worn him more when he was very little; he wasn't colicy and fussy, he just really REALLY wanted to be held, and would only sleep and be content while being held.

But please get help.

[Beeblebrox]

DD has gotten much easier for me to handle the last week or so. She was prescribed zantac and she's become a much happier baby! She even lets DH put her to sleep now which is an enormous relief. I was feeling so frazzled. Unfortunately, the depression hasn't lifted like I'd hoped it would once things settled down a bit. I did see someone...once, but they upset me so much that I didn't go back. In fact I missed my appointment today.

The woman was extremely reactive to things I said. You would have thought I had five heads. I was embarrassed and ended up lying about the severity of my problem because of it. Unfortunately she is the "resident expert" on PPD. Which I find laughable because she said all the wrong things. For instance on our very first visit she started talking about how your children will always be with you 24/7 like an appendage even when they're grown up and out of the house. That may be true and I love my daughter to death, but part of my PPD is feeling suffocated and trapped. Not something you should then say to me.

I mentioned this in a thread in the BFing section, but I'll repeat here. She also didn't show any level of concern when I called her to make the appointment. I was in tears and told her it was an emergency situation. Not once did she ask me how I was, if I felt like I might hurt myself or the baby or if I had anyone there to help me out. She made the appointment and hung up. That doesn't seem normal to me.

She also was very condscending about my BFing exclusively. She said I had to "make DD take a bottle". When I said I didn't find that to be necessary she said, "Yeah, we'll see". As if I had no idea what I was talking about : .

I called the director of the group to see about getting a transfer to a different therapist, but haven't heard back yet. Normally you're supposed to get a transfer directly from the therapist, but I feel very uncomfortable talking to her because I do not want to explain the whys and how comes, of me not seeing her anymore. I just don't want that confrontation. Of course she called tonight while I was in the shower. Ugh. They're really making it hard for someone to get help. I may just look to another group altogether.

[jaclyn7]

Glad to hear that its getting better, but I was concerned about your experience with your health care provider. Everyone deserves to be respected and you must feel comfortable with them to get all the help you need and receive the most benefit from any treatments / suggestions they offer.

I'll be thinking of you, take care of yourself and let it be known to whomever treats you in the future exactly what your concerns are and the extent / severity of your PPD.

[gabysmom617]

:

I am angry for you at that quote "counselor".

I had a similar one a couple months ago, and I did not go to her anymore, and am still looking for a good one.

Don't listen to her about having to give DD a bottle. The last thing you need from her is confrontation about your conscientious decisions as a parent! THE NERVE!

How can she be considered a proffessional on postpartum if she is questioning your decisions as a parent? and no, it is not normal, if you are calling in tears to make an appointment, and they don't even ask you if you or your baby is in danger!

I am just dumbfounded and speechless with frustration against them!

I hope that does not distract you from finding a good proffessional to talk to. He/she is out there somewhere.

I'm glad you went to seek help! Hang in there.

[kaydee]

Originally Posted by gabysmom617

I am just dumbfounded and speechless with frustration against them!

I hope that does not distract you from finding a good proffessional to talk to. He/she is out there somewhere.

I'm glad you went to seek help! Hang in there.

:

The first counselor I saw for my PPD was a disaster, as well. She talked all about her own child (who she adopted as a toddler) and how she wished she could have had a newborn and how I should see how lucky I was (I had already told her I felt like dying).

I "interviewed" three other practitioners and was firm about stating what I was looking for and what I expected, and ended up with a WONDERFUL counselor who helped me tremendously, and who I still go back and see now and then when I have struggles.

Don't give up--and don't settle for rotten treatment!

[Khadijah]

Momma i hope it gets better for you. Maybe you could lay the baby down besides you and maybe that would help her go to sleep. But dont give up it will get better. I also had the same problems with my doctor, he would give me the meds and i could never get awhole of him to tell him how they were making me feel so i just stopped them my self and searched for somethings that could help me. And i did better than him because they work.