Anyone else have a CROWD at their birth?

[Birth Junky]

I have been daydreaming about birth for many, many years--first as an aspiring midwife, now as a soon-to-be mom. I am really looking forward to my homebirth in the spring.

We are going to have quite a crowd in the house during labor & birth . . . DH and myself (of course), my midwife and her apprentice, my best friend, another friend who is an LMP--that's my core support group. I also found a doula-in-training who will be invited to attend if she wants, to get more experience . . . and have two (childless) friends who are interested in being there. At this point I have told them that they are welcome to attend if they want, provided they know that (a) there may not be a whole lot for them to do, and (b) I reserve the right to kick them (or anyone else!) out of the house if it feels overwhelming or uncomfortable in any way.

I'm really not concerned at all about the potential crowd that could be there; I feel very close to all of the friends involved, and am happy to be able to offer an aspiring doula one more birth to watch. I guess I am just curious to find out if anyone else has BTDT; how it worked for YOU; if you have regrets (or would do it again in a heartbeat)? I have always felt that birth should be a community event, and am looking forward to socializing during the early phase and having a warm crowd of friends & family there to welcome the new baby once they arrive.

I also realize that, having never gone through labor myself, I could be in for a big surprise when the contractions actually hit. (*grin*) I guess we'll see in the Spring!

[mandib50]

yes, my last birth i had 3 friends and wish it would've just been me in retrospect. if i ever had the fortunate chance of having another baby i would just have my midwife around.

[guestmama9924]

oy. as a doula, haven't you noticed that you can add extra hours of labor for every observer? I have seen that, not as much with multips, but certainly primips.
I have seen terrible performance anxiety, modesty (unforseen modesty) and a loss of homebirth ,honestly ( transfers in my experience are higher with the higher numbers of involved people.)
I am not trying to be doom and gloom, but as a doula and homebirth assistant (like you) the crowds at birth can by very stressful for all involved.
On a a personal note I had a large crowd with my first which help me get a nice arrested labor. Complete with yappy family members and a complete loss of the sacred.
On birth 2, I had dh, sil( asst and doula)l and midwife. So glad!! It was so much more intitmate, and I was/am one of those women who has multiple climax feelings during pushing and let me tell you that no everyone wants to know about that or hear it!
It is a beautiful gift for you to allow others to witness your birth, hopefully everyone will see it as such!

[AngelBee]

I have had a crowd for each of my babies so far....all born in the hospital.

Ds1: Me, his bio dad, my mom, my SIL, my sister 16 at the time, sister's bestfriend 15 at the time

Dd: Me, dh, my mom, MIL, Dominick (off grabbing snacks...my sis, my brother, our friend from England)

Ds2: me, dh, my sister, my mom, MIL, Abigail, Dominick, my nephew Zane, and one of my dance students Jenna who was 14 at the time

Planning to do a homebirth next time......will probably have a crowd there too! :

[MotherWhimsey]

I had me, dh, doc, nurse, mom, mil, dad, sil, sister, and doula. I didn't mind. I really was just in my own little world. The only thing that annoyed me was that mil kept making "sublte hints" about how cold she was. I was so hot while giving birth that I turned the ac down to 50 degrees. luckily dh shut her up after a while cause I was about to ask her who was the one giving birth. But over all I didn't mind.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by KeysMama

oy. as a doula, haven't you noticed that you can add extra hours of labor for every observer? I have seen that, not as much with multips, but certainly primips.

Hmmmm......ds1 was 6 hours, dd 3 hrs, and ds2 about 1.5 hours I did not notice any anxiety as a result of having them there. I felt safe and in control. I feel comfortable in an environment surrounded by people who supportred me and my birthing experience. I was with my family!

I would do it no other way.

[MaT]

we had alot of people at our daughters birth. initially that was what i was looking forward to, but as the labor proceeded i didn't want the crowd. i found that my senses were hyper aware and that if everyone present was not focused on the birth (ie: not chatting about the hockey game ...) i became pretty snarky. our labour was 40 hours and now after reading studies from natural childbirth experts, i think the length of the labour was partly due to all the people involved. having btdt, i know i would make the next one much more private.

i remember feeling so much joy in planning the birth, i just wanting to share the good vibe with everyone. but now i know how internal the work really is and that many others were really a distraction for me.

hth

tricia

[PancakeGoddess]

My first homebirth included a lot of people - two mothers, two midwives, doula, son, husband. I don't really have big regrets, but I do think it made my labor a lot longer. Every time someone arrived, my contractions slowed down.

At my last birth, I only had my midwife and her assistant, husband and sister. No kids, no moms (which was hard but worth it). They all came immediately afterward - THAT was the community event

I prefer smaller, at least for labor. If you really need a lot of people there, maybe try to get them arriving during pushing? Just a thought.

[Shenjall]

We had a crowd for dd birth 3 years ago. We had my mom, dh's mom and dad; dh brother; my bro and sil and my sis flew in from calgary when I went into labour. Also our 5 kids stayed home from school that day. Oh! and my 2 midwives.
At first I liked them there, then hated it, then liked it, etc. I started out in the living room labouring with everyone around then made my way upstairs to my bedroom. I had invited whoever wanted to (watch the actual birth) come earlier and so all the women and my dd and one ds came in. I felt uncomfortable so I kicked out the kids, then eventually all but the midwives. That was much better!
I liked having my family all there after. It was so nice and warm. Everyone pitched in and helped somehow. It was like a party. Well, a party for them as me, dh and dd slept all afternoon. But it felt so....safe to have them there.
Funny story, I thought that after I had kicked everyone out that they would have gone downstairs, but no, my mom, mil, dd and sil stayed outside our door waiting. We didnt realize this until the moment of announcing the sex of the baby. After our mw put our dd on my belly, she asked us, "so, what do have?" Dh looked and said "A GIRL?!" (we were positve it was a boy) and then we heard a huge multi-scream outside our door. We and the mw's laughed so hard!

So, all in all, it was a great experience having my family there. I think having the 2 floors helped keep us separated when I needed it.
If we had the opportunity to do it again, I would probably invite more but I would make sure everyone stayed downstairs.
I would have liked to announce her sex ourselves too.
Oh! And I would tell everyone to bring food and drink.
But yeah, I would do it again.
Good luck!

[alegna]

Yep. Crowd here:
me
dh
midwife
assisting midwife
my mom
my dad
my sister
my mil



-Angela

[guestmama9924]

Originally Posted by AngelBee

Hmmmm......ds1 was 6 hours, dd 3 hrs, and ds2 about 1.5 hours I did not notice any anxiety as a result of having them there.

I am glad that worked well for you. As a rule, I do see a difference in home vs hospital with regard to crowds- perhaps there is already the assumed loss of intimacy in a clinical setting vs a home setting..., I was speaking specifically of homebirth- glad it did not slow you down!

[Birth Junky]

Thanks for all the posts, mamas!

I'm trying to stay open as far as the labor & birth go, not getting too attached to any specific plans--since I won't know how I am going to react to labor until it actually happens.

Good points were made above about the ability of extra attendants to hinder a labor, and I am making sure everyone knows that they had better be prepared to be helpful, or get kicked out. My friends know me well, and I know that they won't be offended if I change my mind at the last minute and ask them to leave so that I can work undistracted--they can all go hang out at a nearby bar or restaurant, and we can call them once the baby has arrived. I've even told DH that he may get kicked out of the room; it is all going to depend on how the labor unfolds.

My hope, though, is that everyone will bring their own unique strengths to the day, and everyone will work together like a well-oiled machine. DH will be great for emotional support, my massage therapist friend will be available for the harder physical work (counterpressure, massage, etc.), and my best friend will be the only support person (besides the midwife) who has actually HAD a baby. The doula-in-training and the two childless friends who will be invited would be there primarily for observation, but I won't have any problems putting them to work fetching food, water, hot compresses, whatever else we need . . . or, like I said, sending them upstairs or out of the house if it gets too crowded/distracting.

[proudmamanow]

every woman is so different, so it's hard to give advice on this one. When Annie was born, it was just dw for most of the labour, the midwife came & checked on us and then went home & came back 2.5 hours before she was born (when I was in transition). I spent most of my time labouring alone or with dw and this was IDEAL for me, I had a wonderful, empowering, 16 hour home waterbirth...only 6 hrs in hard labour. I know for me that if others, even close friends or sis/mom had been there, I would have been focused on taking care of them, making sure they were okay. But that's just my personality, yk? It sounds like you know what you need though!

have a wonderful birth!

[heket]

We had a party -- well, a planned one, but a party all the same. Now mind you, not all of those people were in the actual birthing room, but they were there to see ds' first moments of life. And by party, I mean ds was born on a Saturday night in the spring. We had a BBQ with drinks and music going (I had to do something in the day while the contractions went to work. )

Actually in the birthing room with me were my mom, a good friend (who is now in doula training because she's witnessed the birth of both my children ), another friend (who wanted to "see" the actual birth process), and my dh. In the end, what actually bothered me the most was that dh was a little too celebratory ( ) before ds arrived. He did great in the end (he caught ds because our MW was late! ), I just wanted more from him than I felt he could give me at the time.

Having that core group didn't seem to slow my labor down (geez, I went from very little dilation to baby born in 5 hours or less), but what I got as feedback is that my attendants didn't feel as prepped for the events. Since we wound up going unassisted, (I didn't know it at the time but) they began to feel great concern that something might go wrong. Nothing did, but to this day they are still peeved that the MW wasn't there. Maybe that's one thing for you to consider?

[liawbh]

I would rec. assigning someone to be in charge of kicking everybody out if you're not comfortable. It should be someone who's not sqeamish about saying something, and who you're pretty sure you'll want there for all of it. And come up with some kind of signal. That way, you don't have to worry about being the evictor while in labor.

I actually totally forgot everyone was there, but I wasn't all that happy that SIL stayed in the room. Not upset enough to give DH the signal though . BUt if things had slowed down, I wouldv'e wanted them to clear out.

Oh, I had :
mom
DH
MIL
SIL
DS
DSD (both kids were in and out as they felt comfy, but were there for the actual birth)
MW
assistant MW (maybe two, I don't remember if both were in the room, or only after)

[guestmama9924]

Originally Posted by Birth Junky

I've even told DH that he may get kicked out of the room; it is all going to depend on how the labor unfolds..

Yep, with my 2nd I turned into a mama cat, shutting my self up alone in the bathroom and crawling into a dark tub. Did not even want the midwife around for much of it, and insisted on my hands being the only on my perineum when I was crowning!

[staceyshoe]

Oh yeah! It was me, dh, mw, my mom, MIL, 3 SILs, and 2 friends. Funny because my fantasy birth is very private. But I wouldn't change it. Before labor, I was worried about performance anxiety, feeling pressured, feeling inhibited or self-conscious, slowed labor, etc. I decided that I would wait until labor was well underway and when to call each person. As it turns out, I had a very speedy labor but everyone made it. To be honest, I wasn't even aware of who was in the room at any given time. I was totally in another dimension. I only know that when I reached out for a hand, there was always one there.

[LisainCalifornia]

Let me guess---you are an extrovert?

As a true introvert (INFJ), I can think of nothing worse, but I have had many extroverted friends that would love to have a crowd at their birth.

Everyone is different--it does not sound like you would be the type to have your labor stalled by spectators.

Good luck on your happy day.
Hugs,
Lisa

[Birth Junky]

Originally Posted by staceyshoe

I only know that when I reached out for a hand, there was always one there.

Awwww, staceyshoe . . . you brought a little tear to my eye with that line. :

Heket; your labor & birth sounds like what I am hoping for. I'm actually looking forward to going to the grocery store and shopping for labor snacks, provided labor starts slowly and I have the time/energy . . . setting up a pot of soup or chili in the slow-cooker to nourish the support people and myself . . . having all of my nearest and dearest there so that whomever I feel like I need in the moment, they are right there (or upstairs) to provide it.

However, I also just talked it over with DH, and we've got a plan of action in place--if I start to feel uncomfortable/overwhelmed AND don't feel in a frame of mind to kick anyone out (although that is doubtful; if there is one thing I have NO PROBLEM with, it is speaking my mind!), he will take over and direct people either upstairs or out of the house. And my best friend is also wonderfully direct and up-front, so she would be another excellent candidate to play "bouncer".

And LisainCalifornia . . . yeah, I guess you could say I am a bit of an extrovert--always planning social events, and I love nothing more than a nice casual get-together at the house. I don't have a huge crowd of friends, but I do have several REALLY close friends, and those are the only ones who will be invited to attend (well, other than the doula-in-training). And yeah, I'm HOPING that all the extra people won't slow me down; fortunately they are all people that I have a wonderful, intimate relationship with (my best friend is my soul-sister, my massage therapist friend used to live with DH and I while we were going through school, and the two childless friends are both family--DH's cousin and his god-sister).

But again, after all this wise counsel, I know to prepare myself and my support team for the possibility that things may change wildly once labor actually starts, and to be as flexible as possible with this new and unknown experience.

[MidwifeErika]

I am amazed by the large crowd people just because that is so far away from me. I think whatever makes you the most comfortable is going to be the best way to go for you! I would just reserve the right to kick them out of the room at anytime and for them to know that ahead of time.

For this next birth it will be DH, our kids (if awake), midwife, and midwife's apprentice. That is enough for me. I wouldn't want anyone else there as I just know it would slow me down. I even had a harder time coping and staying in my zone when DH had to make a phone call during our last birth (had to call the daycare mom to let her know our daughter would be late so she wouldn't call to check on us). I even feel that for me it is too much pressure to let my family know I am in labor. It was really nice to just call them after my son was born, rather than feeling pressured by the image of them sitting by their phones waiting for me to birth that baby already. Other women might feel that by letting everyone they know and love about the labor that instead they are surrounded by positive energy and they really dig that.... so again, I guess it is all about doing what you feel most comfortable with.