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help me stop yelling - Page 6

post #101 of 203
This is great. I have been doing so well not arguing b/c of "christlike parenting". i was having a hard day though and b/c of sledg realized i'm HUNGRY!!! lol I also need a break...good thing we are going on a date tomorrow night. I also think I just need some help. I have a 3 yr old, 18 mo old and no family or firends who can really help out. I'm going to hire a young woman to come over sometimes and ehlp out. Why not? Besides we want to be pregnant soon and I could use the help when baby comes! Thanks Sledg for making me stop and think what do I need, why am I yelling all of a sudden today?

J
post #102 of 203
What's been helping me is that every morning as soon as I wake up, while I'm still in bed, I pray. I thank God for my dh and my kids and for this day. I wake with a smile and am grateful that I'm able to be stay home w/my kids. It seems that if I greet them w/a smile and a thankfulness that I'm their mom, it sets the mood for them to behave in a loving way as well. Of course this doesn't work every day, but for the most part it does.

I've also noticed that if I make a special attempt to be loving to dh IN FRONT OF (not after the kids go to bed) that the kids see that and know that they're loved by two parents who are stable. My kids know several other kids who have parents that are divorced or never were together. We also have a guy working for us that is separated from his girlfriend and their 4 kids were taken into foster care. That's scary for my kids to hear. We pray for those kids every night almost. I think it helps for my kids to see that their mom and dad are doing okay. Our kids are being taken care of by two people who love each other very much. So I guess just taking the time to show affection around the kids rather than giving the kids the attention and giving each other attention later on. Make sense?

We've come a long way in this house since this thread was started almost a year ago. Yes, I admit to having hollered in the past year. However, I bet I can count the number of times on one hand where I have went off the handle. And while that still doesn't sound too great, it's WAYYYY better than it was before. If I speak nice, the kids tend to speak nice.

I can honestly say that by reading God's word, I have helped my family more than anything else could have. It's all right there.
post #103 of 203
Bumping.

Pat
post #104 of 203
subbing!!
post #105 of 203
See my other thread. I yelled at my three year old today. I need some creative solutions.
post #106 of 203
subbing, on page 4 now. I REALLY needed to find this tonight.
post #107 of 203
How are mamas doing these days? ((bump))
post #108 of 203
I try very hard to remember that when I yell, I am gradually training them to not listen until I yell. It also has the unintended side effects of scaring them terribly or amusing them. Adding that I find that I yell when I'm busy and don't want to stop. I perceive somehow that it will take much longer to resolve a situation than it actually will if I stop and focus on it. My kids are getting that the more time we spend on conflicts, the less time we have to do fun things, especially as I am the only parent 95% of the time and conflict wears me out for fun things.

When mine fight, it's frequently because they need some space from each other, but they do not recognize this or act on it. So either I help them resolve the conflict and separate them if it doesn't help or just separate them if I can tell they're not in a place for resolution yet. It seems more useful to discuss "next time" when everyone is calm rather than to try to resolve things when everyone's all heated up.

I spent a solid week on the house while the kids were in school, getting things the way they should be. I packed a lot of things up that we don't need often. It's easier to maintain things daily than to start from total chaos. Mine are 8 and 6 and very capable of picking up minor messes several times a day but a huge mess was too overwhelming and it wasn't useful to always have them just do a little bit. We now stop playing awhile before we have to leave/to eat/to go to bed in order to have clean up time.
post #109 of 203
Bumping.

Pat
post #110 of 203
The Wisdom of Sledg.

Pat
post #111 of 203
Bumping.


Pat
post #112 of 203
I am a yeller in recovery. I still slip up. I did today. For me, it is a roar of frustration.

On my better days....I remember that anger is rooted in fear. If we are angry, we are fearful. Big mess to clean up? Angry/fearful because I feel I may never get to do what I want again. Disobedient children? Fearful that I will be judged by their actions, that we will be late, that my children have no respect (love) for me. Messing with my stuff? I fear I will never have anything of my own that is not damaged.

My son is five. I have started working with him on the "I" statment. I am X, when Y happens." If he says that he is angry, I prompt him to explore his fear.

The two year old is a lost cause.
post #113 of 203
Just want you to know that I struggle with all of the above that you mentioned.
post #114 of 203
OMG Its fate. I was JUST thinking of posting about yelling because ALL day I have been yelling!

I havent been yelling in like a -"Outta control mama" way today, but my 4 year old keeps talking and talking and talking and when I get down at his level to talk to him, he ignores me OR even more often, he just talks and talks and talks and wont be quiet and let me have a turn.

So I yell. And he HEARS me.

Its more like glorified voice raising today, but I still hate it cause I have to get pretty loud to be heard over ds and dd.

?????

It sucks.
post #115 of 203
Quote:
Originally Posted by transformed View Post
OMG Its fate. I was JUST thinking of posting about yelling because ALL day I have been yelling!

I havent been yelling in like a -"Outta control mama" way today, but my 4 year old keeps talking and talking and talking and when I get down at his level to talk to him, he ignores me OR even more often, he just talks and talks and talks and wont be quiet and let me have a turn.

So I yell. And he HEARS me.
(
I have a talk talk talk talk talker too. Every thought comes right out his little pie hole. My little one will even say, "Shop (stop) talking, Will."

I think this is where Sledg's take on needs is so important. At four, it is perfectly acceptable to say, "I have heard what you have said about (repeat back what was said), and I appreciate that you share your ideas with me. Right now, Mommy needs some quiet time." Then either set him up with a toy/game/craft and take a moment and cup of tea. Set a timer. When it goes off, greet him joyfully. "Mommy had her break and is ready to hear about what you have been doing."
post #116 of 203
Thanks for bumping up this thread. It's definitely something that lots of us need help with/reminding about.
It's timely for me as well since we had a little incident that really got me thinking. It was such a small thing but it threw me. I can definitely be a shouty Mummy and I am trying desperately to change that, it is so difficult.

Today at dinner I was having an argument with my husband at the dinner table. It wasn't anything serious but apparently I was raising my voice, I wasn't even really aware of it.
My 4 year old daughter said "Mummy, how do you feel?" I said "Fine, yourself?" not really thinking about what she meant. The she said "Then why are you shouting?"
On the one hand I was really proud that she was able to analyze the emotion and question it but I also felt awful that she had to, IYKWIM.

Anyways, I am also trying to break the cycle and now realize that I need to concentrate on more that just my daughter in order to set an example.
post #117 of 203
I just wanted to offer support to you. Its not easy to be a mom. Keep positive affirmations in your mind. I speak kindly and in a gentle manner.
I am at peace.
post #118 of 203
Mamas I think it's human to raise our voices sometimes, perhaps the best lesson for our children is how we get ahold of ourselves after, and also that we forgive ourselves.

I suppose if it's EXCESSIVE and EXTREME that we should become concerned.

Changing my perspective, incorporating some consensual living stuff, playful parenting, being aware of what's normal at the stages of development are some of the things that have helped me. Also doing self care and taking an anti-depressant.
post #119 of 203
Hannahsmummy, I understand being saddened by being brought back to paying attention(not really the words I'm looking for) but also what a compliment that your daughter has already benefited from such a wonderful emotional education!
post #120 of 203
Quote:
Originally Posted by vanderpooch View Post
Hannahsmummy, I understand being saddened by being brought back to paying attention(not really the words I'm looking for) but also what a compliment that your daughter has already benefited from such a wonderful emotional education!
Thank you. It was a double edged sword really-pround and horrified at the same time!
I am really trying so hard to raise an emotionally healthy child but it's tough!!
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