help me stop yelling - Page 2

[Magella]

Originally Posted by mommaJ

Now I just have to figure out how to be consistent while still listening to/honoring DD's requests after I have made my own.

I think part of the trick to this is learning what your needs are and when you can be flexible and still have your needs met. Personally, I have a tendency to think about my kids' needs first and ignore my own, but when I do ignore my needs then I am much more likely to yell and much less aware of and able to listen to my kids' needs/feelings. So if I really feel stressed and I need some help from my kids in order to get the house reasonably cleaned and get food on the table, then I need to acknowledge that. When I realize that I need this, then I'm more clear on what I would like my kids to do-and oddly I'm also more flexible and creative. Once I know I really need some help, I'm able to say "so, you really don't want to empty the dishwasher. I still need help. How about washing the table or skating on these wet towels on the floor (a fun way to mop)?"

Sometimes, what I need for them to do just isn't negotiable. This is when I actually use the words "it's non-negotiable." When I say this, they know I'm not going to change my mind. "It's time to go pick up your sister at school." "But I don't want to!" "It's non-negiotiable. We are going to pick up your sister."

Timers are also great. "We are leaving soon. You can play for 10 more minutes, I'll set the timer. When the timer beeps it's time to put your shoes on." This helps because we set the expectations and "terms" ahead of time, which usually (not always, of course) prevents arguments later when I really need/want them to do what I've requested. With chores it might be "I need help. I'd like you to empty the dishwasher" "But I'm playing, I don't want to." "You don't want to stop playing right now. I still need help soon because I need the dishwasher empty so I can clear the sink and counter for cooking dinner, but I could wait while you play for another 15 minutes." "20 minutes?" "Okay, 20 minutes. I'm setting the timer. When it beeps it will be time for you to help me with the dishwasher."

[OneCatholicMommy]

Originally Posted by sledg

Mamas, this is really hard work.

I would like to gently suggest a project for you, if you're open to trying it. Stop for a few moments, listen to your thoughts and feelings without judging whether they are bad or good-they're simply thoughts and feelings. You may feel comfortable trying it in a moment of conflict, you may feel more comfortable trying it in a calm moment. What do you need? It's really hard to be a mom, and modern moms don't have nearly enough help and support and tend to have a lot of unmet needs. So what do you need? What do you feel? What are you thinking? How does your body feel? Are memories coming up? Memories of what? (I'm not asking anyone to share here, this is a personal thing.)

This is how I started moving on from yelling, with this baby step of awareness. Yelling is about me, not about my kids or their behavior. Awareness of your own thoughts and feelings is important. We all tend to have automatic thoughts and emotional reactions that we aren't aware of simply because they have become so automatic. These automatic thoughts and feelings have a huge impact on how we respond to our children and to everyday events.

When I can listen to myself, hear my own needs, I can then request that those needs be met or do something to ensure they are met. When I'm aware of my own needs and feelings, then I am more free to listen to my children's needs and to respond to my children more gently.

Good thoughts. Thank you.

[2tolove]

a lot of great suggestions!!
:

[hellyaellen]

i sure need this one.

i constantly tell dd "we yell a lot but we all love each other" i think she gets it but we all need to work on our inside voices in this house.

sometimes i make everybody whisper. it definately helps release tensions.

[ilex]

:

[mommaJ]

Sledg-

Thank you for all the great suggestions. I really like the timer idea.

[newcastlemama]

Sledg-that is great advice..I noticed I start getting louder and louder when I am worn out and need quiet!!! I like the part about not judging my feelings..I do that a lot. I start saying that I am a horrible mom and I cannot even handle a 16 month old...what it really is--I am exhausted and my husband won't be home for hours!
I have the hardest time when my husband works 6 long days, like this week, and the baby was sick too.

[bobica]

Sledg, you put it into words so well!!! We have also found the timer to help. we started it b/c she would decide she was hungry & get bonkers wanting to eat NOW! so it was a natural extension of using the timer for cooking. I also find i yell more when i'm worn out. i have had a nasty cold for days & days & no patience along with it. it's not dd's fault, but i do tend to take it out on her in my yelling. thank you for helping me articulate what is going on in my head!!!

[Hibou]

Thank you sledg!

Since reading this thread about a week ago, I have been stopping myself when I start feeling tense or when things start escalating and asking "What do I/ds/dh need right now?" It has helped us all immensely. I have also talked to dh about trying this, and he has seemed more patient lately. This is probably one of the most effective suggestions that I have ever heard. Thank you so much for your wisdom!

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by sally Z

is there a hit the nail on the head smilie? I really feel it is my own anger that is making me react to dd the way i do. I copied the reply and am saving it to re-read as i need it. thanks sledg

That's so true for me. How we feel inside affects everything. Getting the anger under control is so important.

It's one reason I am always posting about connecting --having fun together and joking around. Closeness and connectedness comes first, and then the team work can follow. It's hard to get people to work together when they don't feel like they are part of a team, or if they are always feeling upset about things.

When I play Scrabble, or watch a movie, or share some hummus (we both love it) with my 16 yr old, for instance, we are together in a way that's simply pleasant and not about whether he can take the car whenever he wats...lol. Relationships have to have a pleasure factor, not only be about arguing and guidance. We can chat about interesting things, politics, books we've read, movies we hate or love etc without having to hash something out all the time. Later, when I need him, I think he responds better because we already have a relationship history, iykwim. He's emotionally intense, so he needs that connection.

And remember, nobody really enjoys cleaning up and doing stuff (well, some people might, but mostly it's not fun to put clothes away, wash floors etc). Kids esp aren't so interested as they aren't as affected by not having clean underwear.

I find, fi, that we can get a lot of clothes folded while we are watching a movie together. We sort as we fold, and when it's over, unless everyone is asleep, I just hand small piles of clothing to the child it belongs to. My 6 yr old likes to put one set of items away at a time. So I'll had her all her underwear and then she will come back for her shirts etc. This way it doesn't feel so overwhleming. My teen puts away the towels, because he's the tallest and the linen closet is hiiiigh up. It's broken up into small, manegable chunks, which is how I function best--my dh is a tackle- the- big- job person, but the kids have inherited my break-it-down personality.

It's amazing how much can be put away with 6 people putting stuff away together at the same time. Same with clearning groceries out of the car, if everyone strong enough takes two, it's one trip. For smaller things like unloading the dishwasher, this morning I made hot chocolate and as it was cooling, the kids unloaded the dishwasher. They had to get the mugs out anyway, so as I was wiping the counter, I told them it was a good time to unload and they did and I asked them to hand me the heavier items that need to be stored in more tucked-away, higher places. No biggie. Unloading is one of their agreed upon tasks, but it made sense to remind them at this point, rather than call them away from another acitvity later. Does it bother me they need reminding? Not at all. It would be a total waste of my energy to get angry about that.

[MotheringHeart]

Thank you.....

Oh my goodness. I was just talking my DH tonight about how I feel like I am not a great Mommy to my dearest Elie. She is almost four and while she understands a great deal more than her age belies (I think), she is still four and I get impatient with her too quickly. I have been yelling a lot lately also and reading through this thread I just want to cry. I am definitely in need of a way to break my bad parenting habits and need some good ways to take a breath before I respond to a situation. I know how to be a good mommy and sometimes I feel like I am two different moms; a kind patient one when we are out and an impatient monster when we are home. I just desperately want to be the best mom I can be so that my beebees can grow up to be strong, emotionally healthy, independent, capable of loving, knowing they are loved kind of people.

Olivia

[peacefulmom]

motheringheart i feel like you wrote for me o am learning alot here too...i have felt like such a bad mom...thanks ....

[mamachandi]

Originally Posted by mumm

:

When I've even asked my 5 year old "What can I do to help you listen so that we can all be safe in this space?' His reply is "Get up close and yell really loud!, then I listen."

This is hard work we are doing.

[Proudly AP]

subscribing.

i am so glad to have access to this info/these insights from mamas who've btdt.

i am feeling terrible lately, too. this is a busy and often stressful time of year with so much to do, and i am not really meeting *anyone's* needs very well at the moment.

[acystay]

I'm so glad that I came across this thread the other day. I too feel that I'm loosing control and forgetting that my children and simply, children! I am so trying to break the way that I was raised by not yelling at my children and there I days where I feel I am failing miserablely. I've been trying to figure what really is the issue and I keep coming back to that I do feel overwhelmed. I need to feel that things are in order and that I've got someone there helping me and that dh is backing me more w/ helping pick up things. DH is gone 12 hours a day and I have 3 very young children.

So, now I'm trying to get things to have a rhythm. We need this every day. Just to have times when we pick up toys and clean up the kitchen or bathrooms. The other day, I gave Grace an wet wipe and told her to clean her bathroom (not toilet). I just had to give her the right to do this and let go that if it wasn't perfect at least I got the help! We pick up before bed at night, then in the am after breakfast we pick up the morning toys, and then do something. Granted this isn't happening perfect every day, but when I do keep it up, I feel better knowing that the house is in some order.

Another thing that I realized was feeling overwhelmed w/ all 3. My oldest will be 4 in Jan and my youngest is 7 mos. I am mentally and physically exhausted most days. On the weekend, I would just love to hide all day, but in reality that can't happen. Dh has watched the 2 boys (2 and 7 mos) on Saturday while I take just Grace out. I was originally doing it for her, but I've found just sitting w/ her and sharing ideas w/ her has been so relaxing. I love it and so does she. It's given her that special time she needed and it makes her more agreeable the rest of the week.

And, I honestly couldn't make it would it not be for a bath! Not a bath for me, although I do admit that would be great it's a bath for them they can have some relaxing time and I can't at least not have all 3 hanging on me and sit and veg in the bathroom w/ them. I'll read a book or something esle.

After reading this post, I was reminded as well of the natural child project website and dug around there and found this. It's helped me.

http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt...ernatives.html

[loon13]

Originally Posted by MotheringHeart

I know how to be a good mommy and sometimes I feel like I am two different moms; a kind patient one when we are out and an impatient monster when we are home.

Olivia,

This is so me. : :

Why can I be so much more calm because I'm "in front of other people"? Not that I want to be the screaming mommy in public anymore than I want to be a screaming mom at home. But I hate that I'm such a hypocrite and phony to my daughter that I can keep it together to "keep up an appearance" for others but not for her.

I don't want to suppress my feelings and seem to my daughter that I'm this perfect person who always has it in control. Because I am most definitely not and I don't want to give her some impossible standard to live up to.

I want to show my daughter that I am human. I make mistakes. I always apologize if I have lost my temper. But I hate to lose my temper in the first place. It is so hard to to be patient sometimes....

[loon13]

Originally Posted by acystay

After reading this post, I was reminded as well of the natural child project website and dug around there and found this. It's helped me.

http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt...ernatives.html

Thank you for reminding me about that article, acystay.

I love The Natural Child Project Website, but haven't looked at in awhile. I think I need to visit it more often....

[WuWei]

Originally Posted by loon13

Olivia,

This is so me. : :

Why can I be so much more calm because I'm "in front of other people"? Not that I want to be the screaming mommy in public anymore than I want to be a screaming mom at home. But I hate that I'm such a hypocrite and phony to my daughter that I can keep it together to "keep up an appearance" for others but not for her.

I don't want to suppress my feelings and seem to my daughter that I'm this perfect person who always has it in control. Because I am most definitely not and I don't want to give her some impossible standard to live up to.

I want to show my daughter that I am human. I make mistakes. I always apologize if I have lost my temper. But I hate to lose my temper in the first place. It is so hard to to be patient sometimes....

Loon,

I think that the "in front of other people" is mostly due to conditional upbringing and is a *conditioned* response. We need to unlearn those habits of automatically associating "what other's think" from the choice that *we* want to consciously make. I try to be mindful, in an effort to distinguish 'what others think about what doesn't impact them', from 'what others think about what does impact them'. Most of us were conditioned to do what others told us (compliance, conformity), regardless of whether our actions impacted others, and regardless of whether another's desire was consistent with our own even when it didn't impact them (ie. limited self-determination). If we discern that our (potential or actual) action *does* impact another, what they think is important. If we discern that our action *does not* impact another, what they think is less (or not) important. Perhaps, focusing on the question of 'does my action impact him/her?', we could choose our actions with regard more consciously and purposefully.

I agree about being authentic to my feelings. We have just touched on this at the end of the 'manners thread'. Owning our feelings and our reactions is empowering and accountable. And I have plenty of opportunities to have emotional experiences living with a young child.

So, I don't worry too much about our son maybe thinking that he needs to be perfect, because I do work to own my feelings AND share them, BUT not project responsibility for them. It is tricky to not project ownership of them though. And I am learning all the time. Certainly, our son doesn't think I am unemotional. Frankly, at times he is more emotionally aware and open than I. But, I don't scorn myself (much anymore : ) for learning emotional authenticity and emotional accountability. Neither do I judge our son for learning through trial and error (about anything). I believe not judging is how he will most understand not to self-damn for his human fallibility. Unfortunately, I am still needing to unlearn that myself from childhood. It is so much easier not to judge our child than not to judge myself.

Pat

[loon13]

Originally Posted by scubamama

Loon,

I think that the "in front of other people" is mostly due to conditional upbringing and is a *conditioned* response. We need to unlearn those habits of automatically associating "what other's think" from the choice that *we* want to consciously make.

It is very much a response from my conditional upbringing, but sooooooooo hard to unlearn. I am trying, though!

My parents still manipulate me with guilt to do certain things. The underlying theme being "well if you don't do this [call so and so for their birthday, visit, send a gift] they will think we raised a horrible person."

<sigh>

Originally Posted by scubamama

It is so much easier not to judge our child than not to judge myself.

Pat

:

I find loving her unconditionally is easy. Patience is difficult sometimes but part of the whole unconditional loving, I think.

Loving myself....whole 'nother ballgame. Sometimes I just want to smack that darn critical voice.

Thanks for all your insight, Pat!

[MotheringHeart]

I read this whole thread last night and went to bed formulating a plan for how to be more in control of my temper and impatience. Like, Acystay, I have three small kiddos (almost 4, just 2 and 7 mths) and I realized after reading all the posts, that I was feeling very overwhelmed and allowing myself to get pushed over the edge and be impatient about nearly everything *wrong* with my children's behavior. I also realized that the things I was veiwing as wrong might be better handled by patience and might not be *wrong* after all. And do you know what? Today was a much better day. I yelled a lot less, there was much less disobeying and bad behavior. And when I felt like I was going to loose it unnecessarily, I took a deep breath and rubbed the small star of david I put in my pocket this morning.

As mommies the jobs that we have are the hardest in the world and I think we have to remember that it is a constant give and take. To expect perfection of ourselves is unrealistic and is something we will fail at every time. We will all loose our patience, yell and loose sight of the mommies we hope to be. However, if we continue to take a step back and reevaluate to change what we are doing wrong, we are on the right track to becoming better mommies.

I want to be the good mommy all the time, not just in public. And I can be that good mommy, I know how. I just have to prioritize my children and their well being. My being impatient gains me nothing, whereas being patient and challenging myself to learn and grow gains me everything.

Olivia