help me stop yelling - Page 3

[WuWei]

"With our thoughts we change the world"~ Buddha

[Proudly AP]

Originally Posted by MotheringHeart

As mommies the jobs that we have are the hardest in the world and I think we have to remember that it is a constant give and take. To expect perfection of ourselves is unrealistic and is something we will fail at every time. We will all loose our patience, yell and loose sight of the mommies we hope to be. However, if we continue to take a step back and reevaluate to change what we are doing wrong, we are on the right track to becoming better mommies.

I want to be the good mommy all the time, not just in public. And I can be that good mommy, I know how. I just have to prioritize my children and their well being. My being impatient gains me nothing, whereas being patient and challenging myself to learn and grow gains me everything.

Olivia

how true. my dh is a WFHD. the job of parenting (and parenting well!) must be the toughest going.

the part I bolded is what often escapes me until I am lying in bed at night, beating myself up over everything I did wrong during the day.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by loon13

Why can I be so much more calm because I'm "in front of other people"? Not that I want to be the screaming mommy in public anymore than I want to be a screaming mom at home.

I found that I was a better, calmer, more compassionate and patient mom out but yelling at home. Why? Because at home I was too busy beating myself up for making mistakes (yelling) and hating myself as a parent to be compassionate. When we were out I set my self-hatred aside to focus on my daughter. ETA that it's not so much that when I was out I could set aside my self-criticism and shame and feelings that I was a horrible mom, but that when we were out I was wanting to prove I wasn't a horrible mom or prove that my children's behavior was just them being kids-a sort of flipping of the bird to anyone who might be judging me or my kids- or that when we were out I was receiving some empathy and compassion from someone else which flowed through me and right out to my kids.

You can't give compassion and empathy when you haven't been filled up with it yourself. To take care of your children you have to take care of yourself. ETA also that ideally I wouldn't look at my child yelling and say "she's failing, she's a bad kid, she needs to try harder"-I would say to myself "she's feeling something and needs some empathy so she can handle this more effectively". I wouldn't say to my child "you're so bad, you shouldn't yell, you're making a mistake again, what's wrong with you?"-I'd say "you're feeling angry, it's hard to share" and give her a hug and help her find another way of meeting her needs. Like my children, if I keep hearing (if only from myself) that I'm doing something wrong and need to change and that I'm failing at being perfect (and somehow hear that I should be as close to perfect as possible, or at least better than I am because something is wrong with me as I am) then I feel awful and I don't grow-I just struggle. If I instead say "I'm feeling angry and scared (or whatever), I want this and I need that, and yelling hurts and I don't like it-and it's not meeting anyone's needs" then other ways of interacting just naturally become apparent. This is who I am, yelling is something I sometimes have done and it doesn't feel good or help anyone, I can't change what I have already done, I'm learning other ways of interacting with my kids-I'm not a bad mom. I'm me, I love my kids, I'm doing the best I can and that's good enough. No, I don't like everything I've done but I have learned from all of it and so have my kids-and that is a gift.

[Linda in OZ]

I got my tongue pierced last week and with a mouth full of swollen tongue yelling just results in laughter, I was mortified by my son laughing at me until I realised how Imust sound, and I think I learnt a very good lesson in that if I recorded myself while "going off" I would probably be ashamed of how actually sounded to my children. Food fOr THOUGHT

[jrayn]

I was yelling quite a bit to my dp mostly but sometimes my daughter which I realized was really disprespectful, all she ususally does that gets to me is be curious and very determined to continue being curious despite my redirection. I must lead by example to get my dp to stop yelling so I am working very hard at it and for the past week I don't recall raising my voice too much at all, mainly because I am stopping, realizing what I am feeling and telling myself, I can get my point across much more effectively with a calm voice, as I know when dp starts yelling at me, I am more likely to fight back then to comply or agree. One trick I read about somewhere for helping control yourself before you loose your temper (if you can remember to do it) is to put your pointer finger onto your thumb, both hands, take deep breaths, close your eyes if you can, and wait until you feel the pulse in your fingers, once you feel the pulse you should be able to think more clearly.

[mamabeca]

I find I yell when:

I don't get what I need from my dh
My dd is zoned from watching tv and doesn't respond to my requests for help, lunch, etc.
I am tired, hungry, thirsty or otherwise out of sorts
I have had enough parenting and need a time out.

In general, I am patient and I listen respectfully to my dd and her needs. My ds is too little so far to have any but the most basic needs, really, so he's kinda easy, while dd is older and has many needs that go beyond nursey and hold me and I'm wet. I need more crafting time, or I wanted to have a playdate or I was really hoping to watch this movie and now you're saying I can only watch 30 minutes of TV??? those are way harder for me.

When I am not getting what I need from dh (usually sex/cuddle time), I am just freaking irritable. No question. I try hard to keep that from being a problem between me and dd, but tbh, there are times my fuse is short because I am not happy with my life. She may not be following directions or whatever, but it's not earth shaking... just annoying but I sometimes don't have the patience for annoying.

Tough to get it all worked out and live in real balance, but I find that if I can pinpoint my need, it's usually pretty simple to get SOME of it so that I can re-enter the fray with some extra enthusiasm and energy, rather than be a drag by being impatient and sniping at my family.

SUCH hard stuff.

Thanks to sledg for all her wisdom...

[wahoowhippets]

I too am struggling with the patience issue with my kids. They fight all the time and it gets so frustrating. Thanks for all the posts, hopefully now the yelling and frustration will decrease.

[goosysmom]

i am happy i came upon this thread as i have been struggling to with patience and yelling....more so at my step daughter and it's hard bc i wanna be a good step mom but her mother is teaching her to be uncaring, uncompassionate, manipulative little girl and it's just wrong and DH trys to talk to his ex about it but keeps crackin his head open against the brick wall...

her mom sets NO limits or expectations on her and lets her do as she pleases (she'll be 6 on the 24th) and has told her that when someone gives her something at her birthday party this weekend that if she hates it or thinks bad of it it's ok to tell them that and she only need to listen to her mom and dad and no other adults in her life..School has been a nightmare this year...

i try not to yell...i try to keep it in....i try i try i try and then i explode....not horribly but i yell and try to tell her it's not right or things aren't right and how hard it must be to go from mom's house that's no rules, do as you please to dad's house where there are rules (not many but there are) and that i grew up doing it so i know how it feels...

she told us the other day that she hates her sister and wishes she would go away and isn't nice to her at all....

DH and I are just flabbergasted by it all and are at a loss as to where to go from here...Hopefully I can find some ans here....I just hate to see a 6 year old who doesn't care about anything bc that's what she's been taught elsewhere....who doesn't care if you say no, we can't do this tonight, maybe another time bc......of this or that....

Ok, it's late, I've rambled more than I should've....


Thanks for listening....


I wanna be in sunny florida with you wahoo.....i miss living there.....

[bleurae]

:

[lizardalinat]

I have had the most awful 2 days because of the way I am responding to my 5 yr.old dd. I am sure she is feeling left out because of her 7 month old sister. My patience has been so thin and everyday becomes thinner. I forget that everyday needs to be a new day for both of us. Anyway, tonight I realized that "I" really need to work on my patience and after talking to my mom also, she said, "well, there is only one thing left for you to do because you have yelled, punished, ignored and none of that works, so you need to be patient". I remember a time in my life when i was so patient, what happened? So tomorrow will be a day of patience for me. like Olivia said in her last sentence. Thanks for this thread

[loon13]

Originally Posted by sledg

I found that I was a better, calmer, more compassionate and patient mom out but yelling at home. Why? Because at home I was too busy beating myself up for making mistakes (yelling) and hating myself as a parent to be compassionate. When we were out I set my self-hatred aside to focus on my daughter. ETA that it's not so much that when I was out I could set aside my self-criticism and shame and feelings that I was a horrible mom, but that when we were out I was wanting to prove I wasn't a horrible mom or prove that my children's behavior was just them being kids-a sort of flipping of the bird to anyone who might be judging me or my kids- or that when we were out I was receiving some empathy and compassion from someone else which flowed through me and right out to my kids.

You can't give compassion and empathy when you haven't been filled up with it yourself.

Exactly, sledg. That is it exactly.

I find sometimes for my sanity, I need to get out because I have more patience with dd. I'm also more focused on her b/c I have to be. We're not in the safety of our own home, etc.
The hard part is that dd is sensitive and while she also likes to go out and see friends, it's a fine line before she's overwhelmed. She's better at me at saying "Let's stay home today, mommy."


To all: So when you haven't gotten the compassion and empathy you need, how do you get it? When you haven't gotten the patience either, how do you get it?

It's eerie how I find that when I yell, it's in the same exasperated way my mom used to yell at ME. And I think, gosh, now I understand how she was feeling on her end, and I understand how dd is feeling on her end, because now I've been in both positions. But .........now what???

I don't want to sit and play the blame game by saying "my parents could have done this better." I accept that they did the best they can, but now how do I make up for what is lacking?

Pondering....

Loon

[WuWei]

Patience only seems to be an issue for me when I want to be doing something else. When I am mindfully in the present, wanting to be doing what I am doing, I am patient. I know this seems so obvious. But, so hard to recognize. They say that 'happiness isn't having what you want, but wanting what you have'. So, the key to both patience and happiness seems to be 'to want to be doing what one is doing'.

I am sure there is a catch in there somewhere, since it is so hard to do. I probably has something to do with trying to do too much......Actually, I heard that multi-tasking is the opposite of living mindfully in the present. Hmmmm.....

Pat

[angela&avery]

I just wanted to subscribe. I yell too. I have been better, I have been working on this for months now. I have a diary and try to write out my feelings in it. It is still so hard and I still yell.

In the am's when we have to get out the door for preschool was the worst time, I changed the routine so that ds has more time to get himself ready and I dont turn on the tv during the mornings we need to get out of the house..... no more yelling.

I think the hardest time for me is when Im tired from the morning and I have chores to do, so I need dd to nap and she wont nap, but she is tired and cranky (she is a beastly one without sleep), then I have ds who wants this and that and this and that..... then they will actually go play so I will saddle up to the sink or maybe the computer for a minute and someone will fall or take something away from someone else and all He** breaks loose.. ..those are the hardest days. I work two days a week, and use the other three during the week to catch up and get dishes done, sweep, vacuum, pick up and all that stuff... and I do most of that when dd naps, so when she doesnt it seems like the house gets messier and messier (I like SOME order) and I go nuts.

I have definately been working on it though. I have a really hard time stopping myself when I well up to yell. Im like two people. I know its happening and I shouldnt be doing it, but I cant stop. I might cut it short.... I might say less, but I still do it.....I dont know why. I hate it..... My dad was a yeller and I was so sensitive it scared the crap out of me, yet I still do it to my kids. I dont say horrible things to them, but I do threaten.... which just doesnt help.

some days are really great... Im calm, I explain, I give lots of choices adn I dont yell... other days....... will be ok, then i lose it.... then i just feel horrible......

[Magella]

Originally Posted by loon13

To all: So when you haven't gotten the compassion and empathy you need, how do you get it? When you haven't gotten the patience either, how do you get it?

I'm learning that when I'm home alone and I'm needing compassion and empathy (and no one to turn to via phone or whatever at the moment for whatever reason, or those I can talk to don't meet those needs for whatever reason) that I can give compassion and empathy to myself. I can pause, listen to myself (my own feelings and needs), and be gentle with myself. I can recognize my feelings and needs, recognize the real-ness and validity of those feelings and needs, and give myself the empathy and make the effort to meet my needs as best I can at the moment. Sometimes I can't really meet the need at the time for some reason, but I can give myself the empathy and plan to meet that need later. Later on, I may or may not then need to seek some empathy from my dh or a friend or my sister.

The patience I need flows out from the compassion and empathy I give myself and my children. When I am gentle with myself, when I take care of myself, when I see my own feelings and needs as valid and just as important as my children's feelings and needs, then I have patience. And not only do I have patience, but also the compassion, empathy and gentleness that my kids need and that allows me to parent without yelling.

It's as if compassion and empathy are the gifts which keep on giving. Give it to yourself, and you then give it to your kids or someone else, who in turn give it to someone else. And you definitely deserve those gifts.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by angela&avery

Im like two people. I know its happening and I shouldnt be doing it, but I cant stop. I might cut it short.... I might say less, but I still do it.....I dont know why. I hate it.....

"Thou shalt not 'should' on thyself." (quote of un-remembered origin from someone I once knew) "Should" is a violent word. "Should" is a word that implies that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. "Should" is very hard to overcome, it beats you down. "Should" creates struggle and shame, it ignores the feelings and needs of the person and focuses only on the behavior. It's very hard to grow under the shame of "should".

Understanding, however, leads to compassion and the ability to grow. There is so much more to a person than the behavior, and sometimes willpower to simply stop the behavior isn't enough-you have to meet the needs and listen to the feelings beneath the behavior. It is helpful to recognize, as you have, that something you have done hurts your heart and that you don't want to do it. It's helpful to then you stop and listen so you can understand why you do it-this can be difficult and very complicated, but it's the only way to really solve the problem. So why do you yell-the deeper reasons, not because your kids did or didn't do something but your thoughts, feelings and needs? At some times for me it's because I'm overwhelmed-tired, lots to do, kids demanding attention, a schedule to meet and things not going smoothly (smoothly really means as I expected they'd go). At times it's because I expect things to go a certain way and when they don't I feel resentful or frustrated-like when there's something I want to do and I expect the baby to go to sleep and plan to do it then, but the baby doesn't sleep. At other times it's because I feel frightened because I think that if I were a better mom things wouldn't be so hard, the kids would do as I say, the kids wouldn't whine so much. Sometimes it's because I don't feel well and I'm tired and I'm not finding a way to meet my need for rest. In each case, I'm yelling because I have unmet needs and I'm in survival mode-you know, the animal desperate to survive comes out snarling. When I see the reasons, the needs and feelings, beneath the yelling then I can be gentle and understanding with myself and work to meet my needs, which frees me to be gentle and understanding with my kids, and other ways of interacting with my kids become apparent.

"When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change." -Thich Nhat Hanh

(This quote is about dealing with other people, but I believe it also applies to how we treat ourselves.)

[oneotamama]

sledg-you are heaven sent imo!! Thank you for your words of wisdom!

[angela&avery]

thank you sledg for your response. I am having a really hard time understanding how to give that to myself.

this is what happened tonight:
ok, my ds has had a cold and has tissues usually on his bed. Tonight he didnt have any and said hey i need tissues and as i was leaving to get some said no no i dont. well i got some anyway, and he was like no i dont need any. I said well im going to leave them here anyway in case you do... he started freaking out?? He came out screaming I DONT NEED TISSUES... what is the deal? he is not normally like this and I feel like he is totally just pulling my strings to see how much he can get me to do. He is very demanding and I get so sick of him telling us what to do all the time.. not asking which i dont have a problem with, its the telling. He will be like mom mom mom!!! and he is sitting on my bed, I run in, what?? my puppy!! on the floor next to him... im like ......no, you can pick it up....

he is 4 1/2, and I ended up yelling at him which I dont like to do, but I have had it with this attitude.. why is he doing this? and what should I have done. Mind you , I was calm and he was FREAKING OUT because I wouldnt remove the tissues, which is rediculous bc he has a cold and he does need them and I felt like it was an excuse to get back up a hundred times tonight... to blow his nose. So I lost my calm bc I just felt like he is getting into this cycle of demanding things which I just dont feel ok about at his age.

[angela&avery]

to sledg

ok so , in studying my previous post, I am yelling bc... im tired.... its been a long day...but i feel like its bc I dont like ds's attitude.. but im going in the wrong direction with that right?

my needs; im ready for a break. the prob is at this point so is dh and when i yell, I think it kind of triggers him to yell at the kids too, he feeds off me, and its a bad cycle. then i get mad at him for yelling... .. but im really mad at myself bc I feel its my bad attitude that has rubbed off on him, i dont think he was much of a yeller till i started in. I get mad at him bc its like..... you just got home from work, i need a break and you start in yelling when ive been controlling myself all day and i need you to take over calmly!!!!!! so that need not being met, may cause me to yell... but then i feel im blaming him which isnt fair either. HOWEVER, when im calmer he generally is too. He KNOWS i dont like the yelling, and Im trying hard not to.. so when he can see me doing it he is better too.....

[Magella]

Angela,

I think it's great that you are thinking about your needs and feelings and how they contribute to how you handle situations with your child. I would add that it's also important to think about how your thoughts and perspectives about your child's behavior affect your feelings and actions. Is it possible that your child isn't just pulling your strings to see how much he can get you to do? Could it be that he truly didn't know whether or not he wanted tissues? Could it be that he changed his mind about the tissues and then got upset because when you said you'd bring them anyway he thought you weren't listening to him? Could he have just been cranky because he didn't feel well, unable to cope well and indecisive? And if he is just trying to see how much he can get you to do, is that really bad? Isn't that how kids learn about how they affect others and how people interact and treat each other? Could it be that he feels extra loved when you do things for him like pick up his toy off the floor when it's right next to him? Could it be that he felt really tired and that's why he wanted you to pick it up off the floor? I find that sometimes just taking a moment to think of the other possible reasons my child could be doing what they're doing, to recognize that often I'm attributing negative intent when my children's intent is merely to get their needs met, helps. Sometimes it just gets me through the moment without yelling and I still feel frustrated and angry, and that's okay. Other times it really helps me let go of the anger and frustration and frees me to handle things in a totally different way, meeting both my child's needs and my own and really getting to the root of the problem in that moment.

ok so , in studying my previous post, I am yelling bc... im tired.... its been a long day...but i feel like its bc I dont like ds's attitude.. but im going in the wrong direction with that right?

Is there a wrong direction? I think there is only being aware of what's happening in the moment. What is wrong with not liking what's happening, or how someone is speaking to you or what someone is doing? I think recognizing that you are both tired and don't like being spoken to or what's going on is very helpful. It allows you to both address your need for rest and your need for peace or to be spoken to rather than yelled at or whatever. It allows you to both decide to get more rest and decide to help your child by both meeting his needs and teaching him that there are other ways of communicating his needs and feelings (which also helps you). KWIM? ETA that recognizing that you don't like your ds's attitude also provides you with an opportunity to understand what not liking his attitude reveals about your own needs-are you needing to feel respected, or to feel like you matter? Are you wanting control, and if so why? What need is unmet that leads you to desire control? (example: I often wanted to control my kids and their behavior because I was afraid that their behavior meant I was a bad mother or doing something wrong as a mother, and I needed reassurance that I was a good (enough) mother.)

my needs; im ready for a break. the prob is at this point so is dh and when i yell, I think it kind of triggers him to yell at the kids too, he feeds off me, and its a bad cycle. then i get mad at him for yelling... .. but im really mad at myself bc I feel its my bad attitude that has rubbed off on him, i dont think he was much of a yeller till i started in. I get mad at him bc its like..... you just got home from work, i need a break and you start in yelling when ive been controlling myself all day and i need you to take over calmly!!!!!! so that need not being met, may cause me to yell... but then i feel im blaming him which isnt fair either. HOWEVER, when im calmer he generally is too. He KNOWS i dont like the yelling, and Im trying hard not to.. so when he can see me doing it he is better too.....

This is a valuable insight, IMO. It's not blaming so much as it is recognizing how you affect each other, and what you both need to function in a way that feels better. You are interconnected, and when you are aware of that you are open to the myriad ways of solving the problem of both of you yelling. I think you're right that it doesn't help to say "it's my fault" or "it's his fault", but it does help to say "we do better when we support each other" or "each of us has a harder time remaining calm when the other is yelling/in a bad mood". YK?

I was playing chess with my dh last night, and thinking that life and parenting are a lot like playing chess (except, of course, that life and parenting are not about winning and losing). When you play chess and you make a move that doesn't work out as well as you had hoped it would, you don't sit there and beat yourself up over it or think about all the other great moves you could have made. You can't undo your move. You just look at the board, and respond by making the best move you can at the moment given the current position of pieces on the board. You can plan a little tentative strategy, but you can't actually predict what's going to happen because there's another person sitting across from you who can move their pieces in unpredictable ways. You can't control others or events. So you just respond as best you can in the moment.

This is what life and parenting are like. The past is done, you can't undo it though you can draw on that experience in the present. "What could have been" is a fantasy, and dwelling on all the wonderful things you could have done or that could have happened is not helpful-it just distracts you from the present. The future is unknowable, really. You can't actually predict what will happen even five minutes from now. All we really have, all that is real, is this present moment. To live in this present moment, and to respond in the best way we can in this present moment, we just have to be aware and to listen. We have to listen to ourselves and to our children and to our partners, that's all. If we're aware and listening we can find our way. We can't control, but we can respond and we have a lot of choice in responding.

[WuWei]

Amen, Sledg!

Pat