help me stop yelling - Page 5

[Magella]

Liz, isn't it wonderful in a scary and "duh, no wonder" kind of way? The gift you have given yourself is that now you recognize some of your needs and can do something to help yourself feel better, which will help you understand your children better and better meet their needs. Oh, and to be honest I didn't come up with all this wisdom on my own, though I am happy to pass it on and hope it helps others. I did a lot of reading to learn this, and a lot of putting what I read to the test in my own life to see if it really made sense.

Angela, I'm glad your doing all right and that you're finding some success in pausing to look at your own needs and your kids' needs. This is really hard work, and you are very strong and courageous to do it. I would like to just offer this suggestion that helps my dh and I connect and support each other so that my crankiness doesn't set off his crankiness or vice versa so that we're both yelling-I'm talking about evenings after he's been at work all day since this is the tough time for us. Literally, when he walks in the door at the end of the day he gets tackled by kids and then the two of us take a few moments to hug and kiss and ask each other how our days went, no matter what is going on or how bad our moods are. We will tell the kids, if they are trying to talk or get our attention, to please wait because we are having an important conversation and we will be done in a minute. This helps because in this way we both have the opportunity to be heard and to receive empathy. Often this is all it takes to keep us calm for the evening, sometimes because then one of us realizes that the other needs more support so we step up to give it and sometimes just because it gives us the emotional release we need. Once in awhile if my day is really, really bad in a way that makes me want to press my face against the window watching for dh desperate for relief, I know that he'll need some warning that it's that bad and I'll call him at work before he leaves. When he answers I say "You have a collect call from h*ll, will you accept the charges?". This does two things, first and most importantly it makes us laugh and secondly it tells him in no uncertain terms that I really, really need him to walk in the door ready to take over in a calm way to get us through the night. It's not easy parenting together at the end of the day when you're totally frazzled and at the end of your rope.

To all of you working so hard, please remember to laugh. That sense of humor is so incredibly important, and laughter is such great medicine.

Also, I checked out a book UUMom recommended somewhere (can't remember which thread) called "When Your Child Drives You Crazy" by Eda LeShan and it's a good book. I like a lot of what she has to say, a lot of it is stuff I that I think can help me with yelling. I still work on this every day myself. Just yesterday I had a tantrum because the house was still an unbelievable mess after Christmas (relatives bought waaaaay too many toys) and the kids just wouldn't help me put things away no matter how often I asked or which things I asked for help with-and they kept taking out toys. I got totally overwhelmed, totally lost my perspective, and yelled something like "I NEED SOME HELP!!! I CANNOT CLEAN THIS BY MYSELF WHILE YOU KEEP TAKING OUT TOYS!!! WE WILL NOT GO TO NANA'S HOUSE UNTIL THIS HOUSE IS CLEAN BECAUSE I CANNOT STAND THE IDEA OF COMING HOME TO THIS MESS!!!" (now, I was talking about the downstairs which really doesn't take long to clean-especailly since all I wanted was to pick up toys and stuff them under the christmas tree.) Well, the place got clean and I got help, and I apologized for yelling but said I was not sorry for feeling angry because I really did need help and I really did ask nicely. I realize now that I could have gotten down on their level (physically), looked into their eyes, and explained how I was feeling and asked them to help in more specific ways-and they probably would have understood and cooperated, but at the very least we all would have felt better. Today is another day to start fresh. And I have come a long, long way so far-so I'm not discouraged, but hopeful and committed to doing better.

[oneotamama]

Sledg--for some reason your posts make me teary eyed. I wish you were my neighbor!! You could keep me stable!

[Magella]

Liz, it would be great fun to be your neighbor, but I couldn't keep you stable. One cannot remain stable, and even if you could only you could do it, and even if you could it wouldn't be any fun. (ETA: That may sound weird. What I mean is that part of the beauty and wonder of living is experiencing the full range of our human emotions. To remain in an unchanging, stable state might seem appealing at times, but to leave out part of the range of human emotion seems...like missing out, a little empty. Of course, I know what you mean by stable isn't exactly unchanging and limited, but more like moderated. Now I've rambled enough to feel as though I can taste my foot.)

To all you ladies struggling, I want to recommend two books. They are written by a Zen teacher, but do not have an overwhelmingly Buddhist aura about them and I love them because they make so much sense and offer a different view of ourselves and life than popular culture conditions us to have. They are: There Is Nothing Wrong with You : Going Beyond Self-Hate and Time-Out For Parents: A Guide To Compassionate Parenting, both by Cheri Huber (Time-Out For Parents is co-authored by Melinda Guyol, MFT). These books are all about listening to your internal dialog, your needs, your feelings and knowing that, well, there's nothing wrong with you. Non Violent Communication is also an excellent resource for this.

Blessings to all!

Oh, and what did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

Then the hot dog vendor says "That'll be $1.50". The Dalai Lama gives him a $20 bill, and the hot dog vendor sticks the $20 in his pocket and goes about his business. The Dalai Lama says "What about my change?" and the hot dog vendor says......

"Change must come from within."

(everyone needs stupid jokes sometimes!)

[abandbunk]

WOoo HOooo I hope I will not be hated for bumping this thread a week after it "died" lol, I just ran across it someone linked it from the GD boards and I am in love , I sooo badly want to quit yelling, it makes no one feel good including myself, not to mention it doesn't even work : , ds just feels bad and so do I. THank you thank you thank you to everyone that responded, I really really hope we can keep this thread going! I could REALLY use the support right now, as I'm sure could other people!

[oneotamama]

Originally Posted by abandbunk

WOoo HOooo I hope I will not be hated for bumping this thread a week after it "died" lol, I just ran across it someone linked it from the GD boards and I am in love , I sooo badly want to quit yelling, it makes no one feel good including myself, not to mention it doesn't even work : , ds just feels bad and so do I. THank you thank you thank you to everyone that responded, I really really hope we can keep this thread going! I could REALLY use the support right now, as I'm sure could other people!

No problem w/me....this is all good stuff

[loon13]

Further incentive to stop yelling.

We live in an attached house, so when neighbors yell we can hear it.

Today I heard my neighbor screaming at her little boy and the little boy sobbing. (Unfortunately, this is a frequent occurrence.)

But today it really hit me that oh, gosh, what must I sound like when I am yelling?

For a fleeting moment, I thought of keeping a tape recorder around so I could catch myself on tape if I happened to yell. But then I realized I don't need the tape. I can picture it very well, in detail and in stereo, all in my head. A very scary picture of me with voice at full volume and dd crying.

I'm going to remember that picture the next time I'm tempted to yell. Doesn't mean I might still not be upset at whatever might cause me to want to yell. Also doesn't mean that I might still not make mistakes.
But maybe it will give me that moment to pause, take a deep breath, and think of a better way to approach than yelling.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

a bump for me to read.

[tekslilbrat]

I just found this thread and relate to soo much of it. I am a yelller and so was the rest of my family. My boyfriend on the other hand is cool, calm and barely ever yells. We have 7 kids between us 3 his, 3 mine and one ours. His 12 year old is the I know it all and eveyone has to listen to me almost teen who drives everyone in the house crazy. He has been mean and nasty to eveyone including his dad and it really gets me going His youngest is hyper off the scale which gets to me ad well as I also have a 10 year old with ADHD and a 7 year old who thinks she rules the roost. I find myself yelling alot when they are all here to try and maintain some control because I feel like things are completely out of control when they are all together. I feel like a bad mother and that my kids can do nothing right and his kids do no wrong. Mabe I am overthinking things and am letting things get out of control in my head but it makes me want my kids in control even more so I yell. This thread has helped me sooo much that I know I can lock myself away with my kids and tend to only them andtheir needs rather than get upset or angry at everyone. It is overwhelming sometimes but I am going to take everything into consideration from now on and really try to focus on their and my needs rather than yell. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO GAVE SUCH GREAT ADVICE!!!! Gotta grab my mischievous lil guy outta the cat food!! THANKS AGAIN!!!!

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by cravenab00

They dont listen to me if I talk quietly, if I ask nicely etc...

I have no clue where to start. HELP!!!

The thing that I always remind myself is that if I yell, I train my kids to only listen when I yell.

I also remind myself that things really do go much more smoothly when I remain calm.

Namaste!

[SabDoulaMommy]

Gosh this could be my life. Except my kids are 2 yo twins. They really don't listen well, b/c they're 2. They fight b/c they are 2 & want what the other has. I feel like the past 2 years of always meeting their needs is just wearing thin & when are they going to start cooperating?

So I really believe in asking myself "what are my needs?" (Do I do it all the time? NO. or no follow-thru.)

Hugs to all you mamas out there. At least we're not alone.

[muse]

Can I join? I'm bawling my eyes out here reading all the posts and wonderful words of wisdom.

My story; I don't know that I actually was yelled at as a child (my brother bore the brunt of things from my dad) but my mum was certainly extremely depressed and I think unable to give me the nurturance I needed much of the time. So...long story short..even after many many yrs of therapy it is still hard for me to feel "valid" in asserting my own needs, and they can come out in wierd, indirect ways.

I've always had an issue with yelling at dp, something I/we've been working on for yrs. I never had this with DS until getting pregnant with DD. That pregnancy stirred up a huge amount, plus I was really sick and exhausted, and it's been a struggle ever since.

I've ben blown away by DS's intense jealousy of DD and it pushes huge buttons in me because it seems to be replaying my own childhood dynamic with my brother which I SO much wanted to avoid. On top of that DD is just a wild little character, and needs attention pretty constantly. I feel constantly torn between the two of them and there is no space in between to meet my own needs.

Add to that an ongoing very stressful life situation (looking for work and a home for months/years now), and..well..I am doing a lot of yelling

As a family we have been working on this together and we start the day lighting incense and saying a little vow that says basically we will do our best to be mindful and compassionate towards all beings. Not that we will be perfect, but we will do our best. It is a helpful reminder throughout the day for all of us.

_____

Yesterday though was a tough tough day and there were many points I had to just physically remove myself and have a little cry, take some deep breaths. What comes up for me in those moments is this deep feeling of loneliness and resentment about having to deal with stuff all alone (I think that goes back to how I felt as a kid and also probably was how my own mother felt).

Anyway, I did make it through the day, and felt pretty good about having "survived" it and not having lost it with my kids; even when DD refused to nap and DS bit his sister's finger hard in the check out aisle. I was super tired and hadn't eaten for 7 hrs when DH got home and I asked him to cook the super easy pasta I'd bought so that I could spend some time reading to DS.
Wel Dh is incredibly helpful and supportive 100% of the time but he can be very spacy and he totally overcooked the pasta. I ended up totally losing it and yelling at him and then spending the whole meal in tears. I am happy at least that I didn't also take it out on my son, which can happen sometimes, and DS was very sweet coming and giving me a big hug, but Dh and I haven't resolved this one yet. In his mind it was a ridiculous overreaction and he took it very personally. For me though I felt I'd been very clear saying I NEED YOUR HELP, and when I didn't feel properly taken care of I fell apart. I think also there is resentment on my part that he hasn't had kids grabbiong at him/whining/clinging/nursing all day long and can never understand what that's like.

I'm writing this huge long post because this is an ongoing theme for me; when I don't feel taken care of/heard/loved I fall apart. I guess I need to focus more on giving those things to myself but when I've been giving out ALL DAY long an there is absolutely no space or time (I got up at 4 am today to have some space) it is incredibly hard......

[Magella]

, Muse.

Originally Posted by muse

I feel constantly torn between the two of them and there is no space in between to meet my own needs.

It's hard to take care of two or more little ones (heck, it's hard taking care of one), but there is time to take care of yourself-and not only that, but your kids need you to take care of yourself. You need to see that your needs are met and that you are healthy in order to take care of your kids. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it's vital to being a healthy parent-and a healthy parent is what any child needs. I have found that taking care of myself is not a project that requires lots of time away from the demands of my kids, but instead can be as simple as taking a few moments to listen to my needs and feelings, make sure I'm not beating myself up, make sure I've eaten recently and had enough water, to communicate what I'm feeling, etc. Or to simply take 5 or 10 seconds to just breathe and not say or do anything. And when I do have needs that require time and privacy to meet, it's a matter of scheduling it-making sure it happens within a reasonable time frame and with reasonable frequency.

Originally Posted by muse

What comes up for me in those moments is this deep feeling of loneliness and resentment about having to deal with stuff all alone (I think that goes back to how I felt as a kid and also probably was how my own mother felt).

No mom is meant to do all this stuff alone. We weren't meant to go it alone, to raise our kids and keep the house tidy and get all the chores done and whatnot all alone. We all need help doing it. Lots of moms feel lonely and tired and resentful, because we're doing most of it ourselves without enough help.

Originally Posted by muse

I was super tired and hadn't eaten for 7 hrs when DH got home and I asked him to cook the super easy pasta I'd bought so that I could spend some time reading to DS.
Wel Dh is incredibly helpful and supportive 100% of the time but he can be very spacy and he totally overcooked the pasta. I ended up totally losing it and yelling at him and then spending the whole meal in tears. I am happy at least that I didn't also take it out on my son, which can happen sometimes, and DS was very sweet coming and giving me a big hug, but Dh and I haven't resolved this one yet. In his mind it was a ridiculous overreaction and he took it very personally. For me though I felt I'd been very clear saying I NEED YOUR HELP, and when I didn't feel properly taken care of I fell apart. I think also there is resentment on my part that he hasn't had kids grabbiong at him/whining/clinging/nursing all day long and can never understand what that's like.

I understand what this can be like. I have to say, you need to eat. I would be out of my mind if I didn't eat for 7 hours. It has happened that I've forgotten to eat, and it isn't healthy for me or for my kids-it affects my mood and my patience and everything about me. It is really important that I take the time to eat. And rest is important as well. I would also say that if I were yelling at my dh about overcooked pasta, I know I would really be yelling not about the pasta but about some other unmet need of my own-maybe him cooking wasn't what I really needed, maybe I really needed him to take over with the kids so I can cook and have a break from being touched or whined at, or maybe I needed something else. YK? And I also know that for me it takes some work to really be clear in my own mind about what I need, and to communicate my needs clearly so dh understands exactly what I'm wanting or needing him to do. I would suggest that you consider whether or not you are understanding your own needs (it sounds odd, but I think so many of us are unaware of what we really need because we don't stop to think about it, we just react) and whether or not you are communicating your needs clearly and whether or not your dh hears what you're saying properly (easy to check his understanding by talking about it).

Originally Posted by muse

I'm writing this huge long post because this is an ongoing theme for me; when I don't feel taken care of/heard/loved I fall apart. I guess I need to focus more on giving those things to myself but when I've been giving out ALL DAY long an there is absolutely no space or time (I got up at 4 am today to have some space) it is incredibly hard......

This is an ongoing theme for everyone. I have come to believe that not feeling heard or not having needs met is really the only reason people act out and fall apart. Really, we can list all sorts of reasons for falling apart and acting out, but underneath it all is that feeling of not having been heard or not having our needs met. And I will say again, that it really is possible to see that more of our nees are met, and not only is it possible but it's vital. We cannot give what we do not have, so if we give and give and give until we have nothing left-well, then we have nothing left to give and then not only are we hurting but our kids are too. And only I can see to it that my needs are met. No one else can do that for me. I mean by that, that it is my responsibility to understand my needs and to communicate them and to meet my needs myself if necessary. I can't just stand by and hope someone meets my needs or happens to understand me, I have to make the effort to communicate and to ask people to meet my needs by being very specific about what it is that I'd like them to do. YK?

I have this sense that I'm not coming across well, that I'm sounding preachy. That isn't how I mean this. Every person deserves to have their needs met. Even moms. It isn't healthy to go about life neglecting yourself. It's not always easy, but when I am listening to my own feelings and needs and I'm making the effort to meet my needs myself and to ask people to do something that will meet my needs then a lot of the tension that leads to yelling just falls away. Yelling, for me, comes from that deepest part of me that is just trying to survive. So when I'm yelling, that is a signal to me that I need something, that it's time to stop and listen. And most of the time, it's also a signal that the other person with whom I'm interacting-whether it's one of my children or my dh-also has unmet needs and doesn't feel heard. Time to stop and listen. And if I do nothing but listen to us both, if I take no action and don't speak, that still has so much healing power.

[WuWei]

Thank you Sledg. I so appreciate hearing your wisdom. It helps me to listen to my Self and my needs.

Pat

[muse]

Sledg, not preachy at all. Just full of good (much needed) reminders. thankyou!

I got into a dark place about it all yesterday mornign but then had a good, calm talk about it all with Dh and we understood each other and felt much much better.

I'm reading Buddhism for Mothers right now and she talks about how as mothers we constantly feel guilty; guilty for not spending enought time with the kids, guilty for not cleaning the house, not earning wages, not being the "perfect mother" and so on and so on. It's such a lot of pressure that I think -particularly when I feel good about having made it through a rough day - that if that's not acknowledged then I explode like a pressure cooker.

Ther other good thing she says is it's not our job to be "perfect" as mothers but simply to be fully present with our children (and partners); and certainly when I'm losing it and yeling I'm anything but present, with them, or with myself and how I'm feeling in that moment.

Boy it's a lifelong practice thouhg....

[WuWei]

bumping

I believe this is one of the most helpful threads.

Pat

[Cherie2]

tape recorder

I was reading the pp and thought a tape recorder is such a wonderful idea. Imagine how it would effect you to know you were being recorded?

[oneotamama]

Thanks for bumping this. It truly is an awesome thread!

[unfrozncavegrl]

Thanks so much for the bump. Although, I am not finished reading it, this thread has helped me through an immensely intense morning. It brought me back down to earth and reminded me to breathe.

A therapist once taught me this to say.....

I forgive myself. I'm doing the best that I can.
I forgive myself. I've always been doing the best that I can.
I forgive myself. I'm going to keep doing the best that I can.

Back to reading and loving my little ones.

[georgia]

Bumping back up to the top for anyone who might have missed it

[medicmama]

: :