Thanks ladies. My youngest dd is 4, then I've got dds 10, 13, and 17. I am worried about Christmas. We're Catholic, and I have been taking Advent much more seriously this year, which is good. But I have no desire to do anything for Christmas. I wish I could just get a tree, and bake some cookies, but forget about shopping and presents. This of course would be unacceptable to the 3 older girls. I just don't want to go fight the crowds in the stores, or have the constant worry about money (regular expenses are hard enough to handle, without the added expenses of Christmas). But my children have expectations, and I don't know how to balance those expectations with my needs. Last year they got some small gifts at Christmas but the big one was to take each of them individually after Christmas to the mall to have lunch, Starbucks, and they each got a set amount of money to spend on whatever. I mentioned that I would like to do that again this year, but skip the presents at Christmas, because I didn't feel like doing any of that since Mom died. My 13 yo old said "you don't feel like going anywhere since Grandma died. I think that's selfish not to give any presents at Christmas just because you don't feel like going shopping." My 17 yo berated her for saying that.
I also have had 4 miscarriages in the past 4 years, the last one being Sept. 20 of this year. I am 42, and really hoped for another baby before I am too old, so I think that sadness is rolled into the grief over my mom, although I emotionally handled this past m/c pretty well (after so many, you kind of get used to it). I have been trying to take care of my health. Before my mom's death, I was exercising every morning at a place like Curves. But I stopped going when I hurt my shoulder, since the machines made it hurt more. And now I don't want to go back. I can't really afford it, but also I just don't feel like being around all those ladies and their mindless chatter. So I decided to walk the dog every morning at 6 before dh goes to work. I like the solitude of that exercise, plus it's free. The problem is that sometimes the weather prohibits that. I've been taking vitamins, and try to eat right and stay hydrated. I have a job I do at home, and right now I'm swamped with work, so I've had the stress of trying to fit that in with the housework and taking care of my children. The older 3 are in school, which makes M-F pretty peaceful, except that they were home M and T due to snow.
Thanks for listening, and thanks for your support. It means a lot to me to have friends at MDC. I don't feel like being around people IRL lately. I don't think this is bad, though. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and couldn't stand to be alone, and would blab my problems to too many people. That was years ago, and I think I've matured since then. I think the withdrawing is a normal part of grieving. I don't think I'm depressed. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, taking care of myself and the fam, just don't feel any zeal for it anymore. I know what you mean about the waves, Anuska. I've used that analogy myself. Sometimes the waves wash over me and threaten to drown me, but they always recede and I feel better afterward.
Liz
goes out to you. Grief can be so overwhelming, lonely and exhausting. You have had alot of loss recently and that can also complicate grief. There are quite a few of us here at MDC who have lost our dear Mom's and over at FYT there is an old thread (I will try to see if I can bump it).
