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SAHMs - are you stressed? - Page 3

post #41 of 62
Originally Posted by dukeswalker

But you all are right - everyone is diff. and I shouldn't be judging her as I'm not in her shoes. Perhaps I need to look at this diff. and realize that whatever the situation is - she is tressed...I think I'll email her and ask if she wants me to take the kids for an afternoon so she can just chill.
That's probably what she needs. I know that in moments of really freaking out about SAH, I just want a break more than a clean house or whatever.
post #42 of 62
She is stressed?? Good grief!

If I got to go out once a week, only had 2 kids and one of them went to preschool a few mornings a week and had a cleaning lady wth would I be stressed over??

I am stressed beyond belief. I actually get chest pains from all the stress sometimes. I have 3 kids 7, 3, and 2. 7 year old had autism, all 3 have food allergies and intolerances and 2 year old has sensory integration. It's fun times at my house! I have no help at *all* none, dh works for the bill money and that is it. He works many hours and is in the military so high stress, no help. I never go out alone, nevermind on a date with dh! I'm still cosleeping with one of them and sometimes ds still gets up at night at 2am to roam the house. urgh.

So stressed, hell yes! My give a damn is busted.
post #43 of 62
Originally Posted by SimplyMama
Oh, and I forgot to add that sometimes my stress is increased by the guilt that I am "not grateful for what I have, and how far we've come" when I am feeling stressed, thus kicking off the stress/guilt/stress/guilt cycle.
I go through this too :
post #44 of 62

I agree

Originally Posted by LDSmomma6
Totally stressed but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being a SAHM, and having all the little unexpected joys that my children bring me because one day they won't be little anymore.

A friend once told me...there's a time and season to everything. I know my babies won't be little for long, so I'm just trying to enjoy them and know that one day I can do the things that I used to enjoy...
I can get my personal things in later. I only have them in my complete care for four years. Five to six total years is nothing in comparison with the rest of my life. My mom was a SAHM and I appreciate that she was always there for us. I remember working being a lot more stressful than this, especially after getting married. Working all day (9-10 hrs) then coming home working out making dinner and cleaning the house. I'll take staying home with my two little blessings any day.
post #45 of 62
Stress? Oh yeah! I'm sure I could cope better if I could get more than an hour of sleep at a time. DD is teething like mad and for the past month or so has been waking every hour at least at night (she usually only wakes 3 or 4 times a night : ). DS has been waking up a lot lately because he's not feeling well and DH is even getting in on it. Last night he woke me up screaming in his sleep about DS pooping in our bed. I dutifully trudged to get stuff to clean it up when DH woke up and told me it was just a dream : . Of course he can usually sleep through anything.

Then there's the whole "Keeping up appearances" thing where you have to have the house looking decent. I keep decluttering but there is no end to stuff as people think since we're poor, we want all their junk : . The lack of money since DH only works part time in a grocery store gets me down (although in all gratitude, we do ok). The whole guilt factor. There's so much chaos and lots of underlying issues in our house I just want to lay down and bawl at times.

Did I mention I was sleep deprived?

Anyway, I know it's all worth it and eventually I'll wonder where the time went. In moments of coherency, I weep in gratitude over the blessing it is that I can SAH.
post #46 of 62
Different things and situations are stressful (or not) to different people. I am stressed about health issues, finances, and employment (my Dh's) rather than kids waking me up or time to do things I need to do. My friend with young children is stressed about keeping the kids healthy through winter (she has one that catches everything) and house cleaning and rest. She doesn't worry about money, and I haven't been worried about kids keeping me up at night in ages. It just depends.
post #47 of 62
Um, yes. A resounding YES. But it's all sleep deprivation derived for me. My 7mo old is up anywhere between 6-10 times a night. I'm one of those people who gets physically ill and depressive from chronic exhaustion. Add a 5.5 and 2.5 yo into the mix, and well, it ain't so pretty sometimes.

BUT- I'm working hard to remember how blessed I am, how much our family does have, and the fact that we are all healthy (well not at the moment- everyone is sick and the baby has the flu ). We always have what we need and no money worries, a big house, and it truly is a privelege to be able to stay home with my children. I cannot fathom them being in daycare/at a babysitters, etc. while I WOH.

So, while the stress is enough to make me , I can't say I'd trade it for any other situation. Although, I gotta admit, I'd really really like a cleaning lady
post #48 of 62
Thread Starter 
1st off I wanted to make sure that I did'nt imply that a SAHM couldn't be stressed - That's a good one! I have 3 kids, a dh that works 14 hour days, no help whatsoever near by...

Listening to you all talk brings up many good points. Initially, I was just listening to her tell me how stressed she was, all the while, in the back of my head, I'm running a list of things that she has at her disposal to help her life be less stressful - and then comparing it to mine obviously not the ideal way of looking at things - the grass is always greener, right?

She and I are definately different people - I'm much more laid back - I could see how she would be the one trying to maintain the image of being a "perfect" mom - I gave up on that a long time ago! I guess I have grown fond of the chaos - and thankfully my dh has grown used to it - like he has a choice!

I did email her, offered for my dh and I to take the kids to the park one afternoon- she thanked me, said she has most of the days covered with Mommy & Me/Preschool functions and her dh has the weekends covered for the most part plus she said her and dh would be having an overnight date this weekend - so at least I tried!

You all had me feeling pretty crappy about the way I sort of dismissed her stress - I guess I was just thinking, "Man...Do you know how many people would love to be in her shoes?" My best friend is recently divorced, has 2 lil' kids, her ex lost his job - she just had to have a tooth pulled because she couldn't afford to have it fixed, she had to sign her kids up for an adopt a family program for X-mas, plus she has some unknown health condition with no insurance at the moment, was living in a house with one exterior door (downstairs) that wouldn't close and couldn't fix it so was sleeping REALLY badly for fear of someone coming in, etc, etc....So I guess after talking to my bf - and them my SIL - I kind of felt like, well, to be honest "Are you kidding me? You're stressed?! Do you know how easy you have it?!" But you all are right - each of us has our own stressors and how much we can take - Just because I may view her life as pretty darn cushy, doesn't mean it can't be tough to be in her shoes....
post #49 of 62
I SAH with the boys (3.5 years and 19 months), and I'm 21 weeks pregnant. Neither of
my kiddos go to preschool or any out of the house program unless it's a mom & me type thing.

I have a cleaning lady come every week to do deep cleaning (I have allergies & athsma
and need the house dust free and super clean in order to breathe, and being pregnant
has kept me from cleaning as much as I'd like, so 2 months ago we hired her). Plus
we have 4 cats at the house so everything has to be de-haired all the time.

We don't have a sitter, so we don't go out without the kiddos.

I take 2 online classes through the university in town, and am chairperson of a local
organization so that takes up time too.

Our kiddos co-sleep and wake me up constantly, as does peeing every hour, and just sleeping
poorly due to discomfort as well. Plus it doesn't help that Austin is nighttime potty
training, so we wake up to change sheets occasionally. And Hunter will not sleep in a
wet diaper, so he wakes up crying if he's wet. I typically need a lot of sleep, and I
just don't get it, so I feel exhausted and depressed when I can't funtion as I need to.

I am a perfectionist and over organize everything so I can't ever get everything done
that I want to either.

The kiddos have lots of programs (which they love), soccer, awana, swim, music, gym, etc, so we're
constantly busy. And we have church obligations such as bible study, events, etc.

Dh owns a company that hosts & builds websites. He has some pretty big clients, including
National Cristina Foundation and (honestly) Trump.com. He works long, unpredictable hours.
He often gets calls at any hour, or servers go down and he has to go to fix them because
he & his employees take turns being on call for that sort of thing. So I am often left with
the kiddos for long, long periods with no break.

Also, my kiddos have both decided that they're too good to nap these days so that takes
a lot of my patience.

I'm extremely stressed, but I do realize that of the major factors that bring on stress,
I do, do this to myself with a lot of it (being a perfectionist, organized, overscheduling
myself, etc).

To a lot of people I'm sure I look live I live a comfortable and relaxed life (which
we do have it good), but that doesn't mean that both DH & I aren't very stressed out
overtired people.

It's all about percieved deprivation. What may seem easy to one person can be
hard to another because of the way the person interprets their situation, handles things,
and all of the little factors involved as well.
post #50 of 62
Stressed?? You betcha

Let's see....Christmas is coming and I have to get 3 parcels in the mail by Friday or they won't make it to my family. My cards are late. Gifts meant for my DS for his birthday in October still aren't here (they got returned to sender by customs....), DD's birthday is in 2 weeks, I don't have gifts for everyone. I can't go shopping with a 2 year old and a 4 year old and DH is out of town until Sunday. We have been sick for a month (me, then DS, then DD, then me again), laundry is piled up, the house is messy....

every little thing piles up. I haven't slept through the night in a solid month. I need uninterrupted sleep and with sick kids, being sick, aunt flo, I am getting 6 hours of sleep a night. Oh and I can't sleep well without DH in the house. Plus I set off the alarm at 10pm by putting a bag of garbage into the garage. Woke up both kids and gave me a freaking heart attack.

But the main thing is I need helper moms. Badly. And I stress out about a mom in need having a good holiday so much that I want to take care of them all myself.

It gets better, but right now I am uber-stressed Some people just handle things better than others and I don't handle it very well at all. Gotta cut back on coffee
post #51 of 62
I think that being a mom is stressful. I think I would be lessed stressed if we had more $ but that is life. I actaully enjoy cleaning my own house (I find it very theraputic, especially bathrooms,..I am a freak) I also make sure I have "me" time though. I go to the gym and let people watch Jack whenever they want to have him over.
My husband and I also make sure we are not overbooking and keep our life very simple. We are not a go-go family and I think that maks a big difference. Les is more is our motto.
post #52 of 62
Originally Posted by dukeswalker
Do you know any SAHMs that are stressed about life as a SAHM?

But I'm a heckuva lot less stressed being a sahm instead of a wohm.
Now we have mostly nutritious homemade meals vs. take-out or a frozen box of something, the bills are almost always paid on time, ds and dh are both happier because I'm happier, we *all* get a lot more sleep (even if we do get up a few times a night), etc.
Now I stress about how I'm not 'contributing' to our financial situation with a paycheck, being the perfect mom and wife, making sure we have clean towels/sheets/diapers/clothes/dishes, cleaning up the poop ds smeared on the carpet in the dining room, how to deal with MIL, and the list could go on. I don't have enough time or energy to get to the gym every time I want to, I haven't done any scrapbooking in almost 4 years, and my only current hobby is diapers because that's part of what my day is centered around - nothing really 'adult-like' for hobbies. Kids are by no means an easy job, regardless of how much help is around.
post #53 of 62
The grass is always greener I say. I'm jealous of her nifty life right about now. Maybe she's suffering from something physical? Before I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism I was a complete wreck. Even my dh questioned my ability to function as a human being. It sucked. Still does, but at least now I know it isn't really my fault if I am always tired.
post #54 of 62
None of the moms in my AP group seem very stressed. I think some (the ones that are nursing toddlers and infants) do have their hands a little full though. I have very little stress because I have 6.5 years in age between the boys.
post #55 of 62
This htread has been bugging me all day and I think that I have nailed why for me.

I think it is becasue even tho she seems to have alot of help and breaks, this should not matter much. When you have other things in your life taking your energy becasue let's face it, being a mom takes 110% of you PER CHILD. Then there si the rest of life that demands your attention. Thus making it all th emore difficult ( sometimes) to 'be in the now'.

We don;t know if her marrigae is happy or not. We don't know if she is fighting with another family member or not. We just don't know. My point is there are a million things that could be under the surface that is challenging her and draining her energy. That makes being a mom all the more harder regardless of how much help or money a person has.
post #56 of 62
I'm a SAHM, no cleaning help, 4 kids, 3 in school. I'm stressed. I have a large'ish house, 2200 square feet, and honestly, it stresses me out. I just can't get a handle on it. That's really the main source of my stress honestly. And my dh isn't nearly supportive enough about it.
post #57 of 62
Hey mama/op, I really hope you are not being judgemental of your SIL. I understand she lives a different life than you, but we must try to remember is that she is different. So, what stresses her out is not what stresses you out and what or how she chooses to attempt or not attempt to acheive in life probobly is not something you can easily dig.
personally, It's taken me a while to learn to relax as a Sahm. I'd definately not say im never stressed out but not like I used to be. Im glad i understand how living more simply helps but honestly I still am very affected by upbringings of the more mainstream type. Life seeps in and it's difficult to just relax knowing all is actually taken care ofr rather well.
I think also it's way to easy to forget that we all are very different people with different sets of coping skills as well as values.
Bottom line as has been said before=being a mom is stressfull and if you're not than lucky you. You've got something going right, thats for sure!
post #58 of 62
Hell yeah I'm stressed.
It's a stressful job because so, so, so much depends on it being done properly. And on top of that there's the guilt about feeling stressed.
And what compounds is X100 is other mothers who say about each other "There's no reason so-and-so should be stressed, she has it so much easier than me."

It's something nasty we do to each other as mothers. I've been guilty of it at times to. But I feel dirty when I think it. Because we all handle stress differently and all feel it differently.

post #59 of 62
If I got to go out once a week, only had 2 kids and one of them went to preschool a few mornings a week and had a cleaning lady wth would I be stressed over??
Except for the cleaning lady part, this describes me, and I would say that I am stressed. But I know deep down that it has a lot less to do with having two kids than it does with me feeling incompetent, and therefore overwhelmed, at being a SAHM. I always feel like I should be doing more, doing better, and it stresses me out.

I will admit that I would have a bit less stress if money was easier for us. That creates a lot of anxiety for me.
post #60 of 62
Oceanbaby> I totally agree with your point about the feeling of incompetance being the main reason, the root of the problem as to why we moms feel SOOO stressed. Sure it's a hell of a tough job, but we tend to make it harder on ourselves when we're not seeing the value of what we do, or always expecting ourselves to do more.
Society, other women, men, and the inate never-ending-ness of "the job" has always always put us in this position. We are now very educated in the area of sociology and pshycology to understand this and so it's time we stop beating ourselves and eachother up.
I heard last night on this radio program that the rate of couples choosing to not have children is rising and it's believed it's partly because most think it's Just TOO much to handle- financially and overall. So, here we have a large portion of society opting out of reproduction due to the very issues we, as a whole, have continued to exacerbate. why? It's called- IMO- discontentedness.
So, how do we get content with family life?
sorry to but sometimes i do this in the morning - plus the radio show was really getting to me.
to the OP> I in no way am directing this all at you as i have seen you have shared your processing of this issue and am truly happy you chose to give your SIL an offer of help. That was really kind and generous of you.
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