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Does Dh help? - Page 3

post #41 of 85
Thread Starter 
[QUOTE=sarah_bella1050]
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
So the reason to have the dh more involed in the housecare and childcare is NOT so that "it is fair," but because it is SO important for children to see (boys especially) men involved in the work of childcare and hoursekeeping. QUOTE]

My dh and his brothers are living proof that this actually works. They grew up with a dad who was an excellent rolemodel and taught them that a mans work does not end when you comes home from your paying job. He always split the house work at least 50/50 and took pride in doing extra so that his wife could take a break. My dh can't understand men who come home and sit on the couch with a beer. He thinks that they are lazy and sloth like, he actually gets kind of upset when he sees that. I believe that it is so important for children (especially boys) to see this sort of thing on a daily basis, they really do learn by example.
I'm going to show this to my dh. I think the problem with us is that neither of us *enjoys* housework lol. we fight over who gets to take care of the baby though.
post #42 of 85
[QUOTE=sarah_bella1050]
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
So the reason to have the dh more involed in the housecare and childcare is NOT so that "it is fair," but because it is SO important for children to see (boys especially) men involved in the work of childcare and hoursekeeping. QUOTE]

My dh and his brothers are living proof that this actually works. They grew up with a dad who was an excellent rolemodel and taught them that a mans work does not end when you comes home from your paying job. He always split the house work at least 50/50 and took pride in doing extra so that his wife could take a break. My dh can't understand men who come home and sit on the couch with a beer. He thinks that they are lazy and sloth like, he actually gets kind of upset when he sees that. I believe that it is so important for children (especially boys) to see this sort of thing on a daily basis, they really do learn by example.

That sounds just like my best friend's husband. She has never worked outside of the home. Their children are in school fulltime now, but they still decided she was to be a SAHM. His co-worker say snotty things now and then, but those bozos need to MYOB. He comes home and if something needs done, he just does it. No asking, begging, or cajoling needed. Now, she does do most things around the house, but she is also busy with the kid's school, volunteering and does other things and hobbies. He feels she deserves free time as much as he does. He values her and does what he can to make both of their lives easier. Now ladies, that is what a REAL partner does.
post #43 of 85
I think what is "fair" depends a lot on how demanding the kids are and how demanding the husband's job is. When my son was a little baby, I asked for a lot more help. These days, when dh is working 12-hour days I don't ask for any help at all, because I can get enough sleep and keep the house clean even without his help. But no matter what, spending tine with our son comes before computer games or anything else. That is his rule as much as mine, he has limited hours with ds so he doesn't waste them doing other stuff before ds' bedtime.

When our dd is born in May, dh will have to get up with ds on weekend mornings and feed him all his meals and I'm going to try to find a weekend Gymboree class for them to take together. I might also turn over the daily vacuuming and dishes to him, unless I am physically recovered by the time his neatfreak mama goes home. And he'll definitely do a night feeding of ebm, probably I'll go to bed and he can sling dd or have her in the bassinet until he's ready for bed himself. Having a newborn is 24/7 labor for both of us.
post #44 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie
I think what is "fair" depends a lot on how demanding the kids are and how demanding the husband's job is. When my son was a little baby, I asked for a lot more help. These days, when dh is working 12-hour days I don't ask for any help at all, because I can get enough sleep and keep the house clean even without his help. But no matter what, spending tine with our son comes before computer games or anything else. That is his rule as much as mine, he has limited hours with ds so he doesn't waste them doing other stuff before ds' bedtime.

When our dd is born in May, dh will have to get up with ds on weekend mornings and feed him all his meals and I'm going to try to find a weekend Gymboree class for them to take together. I might also turn over the daily vacuuming and dishes to him, unless I am physically recovered by the time his neatfreak mama goes home. And he'll definitely do a night feeding of ebm, probably I'll go to bed and he can sling dd or have her in the bassinet until he's ready for bed himself. Having a newborn is 24/7 labor for both of us.


It is totally a different story when my husband is on 6 days a week and 10 hour days, as he has been recently. But, when he works an average 7-8 hr day, he can pitch in. It is not right that I have no rest, no breaks and no time to myself, when he can just come home and flop in front of the TV from 5pm to the wee hours of the morning, like he has done on occasion. That, to me, is unacceptable.

I have done something that some might find shocking. Every once in awhile, when I know DH is not going to work on Saturday, I get up and dress, feed the boys and tell DH "Bye hon." and I leave for the day. He is not thrilled with it, but oh well. I get my batteries recharged and can think without hearing "mama" every 5 min. and crying and fighting that boys tend to do. Do not get me wrong. I love my kids and I love to spend time with them. During this Christmas break, we are going to make Daddy a t-shirt with the boy's names and handprints for a gift. We are going to bake cookies and we are going to have a nice time. But, sometimes, even Mamas need a break.
post #45 of 85
I take off sometimes, too. It's good for both of them
post #46 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla
I don't see it that way. It may seem that I do more, but infact I have it much easier than him. I'm the one with all the free time to see friends and pursue hobbies. I may be on call 24/7 but the actual amounts of work I do and the time it takes me is far less than the hours or work he put in. To each his own I guess.

I do think this has a lot to do with individual situations and temperments of children, etc. If you've got one kid or kids who are very spread out in age, I can see this working better. I know that our home was clean without much effort when we only had one child, once I got a good routine going. We had 3 kids in 4 years, and now they are all 5 and under. There is just no way I can take care of everything house and kid related by myself and have things the way we like them, up to our standards (we hate living in chaos or a messy house). I clean up one mess and they are already on to something else. This morning I was doing dishes and ds 3 turned out to be eating soil from a plant, spreading it all over the livingroom (yes, the plant is moved now ). It is crazy around here!


Dh is a true partner. I feel like we are a team. We don't keep any score of who does what. When I am home alone with them, I do my best to keep everything running smoothly. They are all fed, changed, played with, I do homework with ds 1 who is in K, and I clean up messes and do laundry and get as much housework done as I can. When dh gets home he plays with them while I get dinner ready or go grocery shopping or whatever I need to do. There just isn't any room for slackers in a house with 3 boys ages 5, 3, and 1. He would feel like a total loser sitting on his ass while I struggled to get dinner made, take care of them, hold the baby, nurse, clean up dinner, get all three bathed and ready for bed, pick up the toys, and put them to bed. It is hard enough with two of us doing it! I really feel for single parents. I just can't comprehend having a man around who felt the need to sit down with all of that going on around him.
post #47 of 85
I echo the pp's comments. DP and I are partners, and don't keep track of who does what. If he comes home from work (typical 9-5 job) exhausted, then I'll do most of the evening chores. And he'll do more if I'm tired. However, I do change ds's diaper 99% of the time. DP still hasn't figured out cloth , so I'd rather change the diaper than have it falling off his little tush. I give the baths, cut the nails, etc. DS gets passed between us a lot in the evenings and on weekends, as we take turns doing 'non-baby-friendly' things while we have free arms. DP and I split household chores, and we NEVER get on each other's case about who's turn it is to do something. A clean house is not one of the important things in life.
post #48 of 85
Dh does a lot of housework and childcare in addition to working full-time. He has always done this.
post #49 of 85
Absolutely. With 2 kids, DS1 is pretty much his while DS2 is mostly mine. He's a PhD student which offers a lot of flexibility, but his brain is pretty turned off from us a lot of the time. He does most of the cooking (both lunch & dinner). I do most of the housework, but he does some. He'll do laundry if I ask, picks up tons (we both do). I'd like him to do more, to be honest, but I know I've got it better than most. Regardless, he needs to be as involved as I am when he's here, period. Not that he doesn't get his time off just like I do.
post #50 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarah_bella1050
Most of the time I feel like my dh makes a better mom then I do . As soon as he gets home from work he spends some time with dd. Sorry if this seems like I'm bragging, I just my hubby.

I feel the same way! DH is many times, I feel , a better parent than I am.
post #51 of 85
My husband definately helps at home! Right now I am able to keep up with our 21 month old (and I am 32 weeks pregnant) and keep the house clean. However, I am exhausted in the evening and as soon as Daddy walks in the door he pretty much takes over childcare duties. I do get dinnner ready to.

Hubby will clean, do laundry and load and unload the dishwasher etc. In fact he likes doing laundry. LOL Especially since we got new front load washer and dryer. He is jealous of me when I do laundry during the day.

Oh and when our son wakes up during the night, since I have been pregnant, he gets up with him to see what is wrong. I on the otherhand just get up to pee every 20 minutes.
post #52 of 85
When he's working I don't expect him to help a whole lot. I know he's tired, works long hours and I don't think it would be fair to ask him to get off work and start working a second job at home too. But then again I have explained to him that I never get any breaks, I don't get weekends off, I don't even have a set time of day that my work is done because even when she goes to bed I end up cleaning or doing something work-wise. I deserve a break too. If I'm sick or something then I do expect him to help a little, after all he's her father too and I can't do it completely alone. I would say he probably changed a couple diapers a week when he was working, and maybe watched her for an hour a week so I could take a bath or do something alone. He also spends time playing with her or reading to her.

When he's laid off like he is right now I expect everything to be 50/50. When he's working I only ask that he take out the garbage and take care of things outside as far as the chores go. But now he folds the laundry, I wash and dry it. I load the dishwasher and he unloads it etc. We both take care of dd, he even gets up with her and lets me sleep in sometimes. It's nice actually, in a way it gives me a bit of a break but then again there is more to do with an extra person in the house, more messes to clean up, more food to cook.

Anyhow, that's how we have arranged it.
post #53 of 85
Yes, he's pretty good about helping with dd. My only complaint in that area is that he'll play with her for awhile & then when he's tired of it just sort of ignores her. Not really ignore mind you, just not really engage with her. She whines & fusses for attention & still he ignores it. Drives me crazy. Especailly if I'm trying to do something else like cook or go to the bathroom. He thinks I should just be able to ignore it too & enjoy whatever I'm doing anyway. I say it's not help if she's running to me for attention because he can't be bothered.

He VERY occasionally cooks, but usually I choose to cook because he doesn't clean up and it's more work to clean up after him usually than it is to just cook/clean myself.

He will help with household stuff if I ask. Otherwise not really. He has been scooping the litter lately because I've been asking him to. He'll change over the laundry, but won't usually fold or put it away.

Honestly, I'd be happy if he'd help with the outside stuff without having to be nagged. I ended up shoveling the sidewalk yesterday. : That's not really one of my "usual" chores.

Overall though he's OK. Definitly more help than some other DH's are. It helps that he will usually do stuff if I ask him.

Holly
post #54 of 85
from mamawanabe:
So the reason to have the dh more involed in the housecare and childcare is NOT so that "it is fair," but because it is SO important for children to see (boys especially) men involved in the work of childcare and housekeeping.

from sarah_bella1050
My dh and his brothers are living proof that this actually works. They grew up with a dad who was an excellent rolemodel and taught them that a mans work does not end when you comes home from your paying job. He always split the house work at least 50/50 and took pride in doing extra so that his wife could take a break. My dh can't understand men who come home and sit on the couch with a beer. He thinks that they are lazy and sloth like, he actually gets kind of upset when he sees that. I believe that it is so important for children (especially boys) to see this sort of thing on a daily basis, they really do learn by example.

Oh, so agree w/both the above quotes. My husband does not "help" me. My husband is an active participant in the care of his own home and the rearing of his own son. Good grief. And frankly it upsets me greatly to hear, even here on MDC, that people think it's OK to just let mothers do all the housework & childcare and anything the fathers do is "help" aka "optional." My (future) daughters are going to have to find partners eventually and it discourages me that even outside the mainstream, their potential mates are being raised to view them as nothing but caretakers!

(Assuming they are het, which I don't know of course, disclaimer done .)
post #55 of 85
Even considering the wide variety of responses here, my situation seems a little weird-- my dh is TOO involved with housework, but almost uninvolved with parenting.

Right now I am a SAHM, but even when I was also working ft, everything relating to parenting has always been "mine"-- unless I specifically asked dh for help.

We always have both contributed to house/yard work and cooking. Dh's mom is the queen of PineSol and Pledge, so he has high standards for housework! This is an issue in our house, because dh thinks my standards aren't high enough. I'll admit that I'm no Donna Reed-- I'm the type to go have fun with the kids and clean up later.

He's the type to refuse to join in the fun. Instead he'll either go do his own (fun) activity while muttering about what a wreck the house is, or he'll start the housework himself, glowering until I'm guilted into starting cleaning too.

My dh works hard, and I appreciate that. Maybe he does do more than his fair share (he thinks so). But HE helps around the house when HE feels like it, without having to deal with the kids. I'm trying to nurse, entertain, supervise, homeschool, chauffeur, run errands, AND keep the house clean!

What really makes me sad is that he seems to value taking good care of the house higher than taking good care of our boys. Sigh.
post #56 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by SneakyPie
from mamawanabe:
So the reason to have the dh more involed in the housecare and childcare is NOT so that "it is fair," but because it is SO important for children to see (boys especially) men involved in the work of childcare and housekeeping.

from sarah_bella1050
My dh and his brothers are living proof that this actually works. They grew up with a dad who was an excellent rolemodel and taught them that a mans work does not end when you comes home from your paying job. He always split the house work at least 50/50 and took pride in doing extra so that his wife could take a break. My dh can't understand men who come home and sit on the couch with a beer. He thinks that they are lazy and sloth like, he actually gets kind of upset when he sees that. I believe that it is so important for children (especially boys) to see this sort of thing on a daily basis, they really do learn by example.

Oh, so agree w/both the above quotes. My husband does not "help" me. My husband is an active participant in the care of his own home and the rearing of his own son. Good grief. And frankly it upsets me greatly to hear, even here on MDC, that people think it's OK to just let mothers do all the housework & childcare and anything the fathers do is "help" aka "optional." My (future) daughters are going to have to find partners eventually and it discourages me that even outside the mainstream, their potential mates are being raised to view them as nothing but caretakers!

(Assuming they are het, which I don't know of course, disclaimer done .)

If your husband works outside of the home then he is not a full time active participant, call it what you want but he is pitching in part-time while you do it full-time. It doesn't have to be the woman who does this. I think it's whoever is best suited for the job. My brother in law stays at home with the kids while my sister in law works. I think as long as she's working that he should be responsible for the majority of the work at home. It's unfair to ask her to come home and take over and do everything after she just got off work. After all, she doesn't ask him to go to her work and do her job. This is not a sexist thing, it's about fairness. I am not talking about the working parent spending quality time with their child either, that is not work. I'm talking about household chores etc.
post #57 of 85
The original question was about caring for children. And with nighttime parenting being what it is around here and counted in, both parents in this house can (and do) EASILY work "full-time" at caring for children. As for the condescending comment "Call it what you want" after which you then go on to call my life what YOU want to call it (not your right) -- I guess you don't have to believe that a family can include both parents doing equivalent childrearing (which, for us, is in fact work) even when one works for income more hours than the other does. But that is what happens at our house and we agree that it works well for our family.
post #58 of 85
"The original question was about caring for children."

then why did you bring up house work here:


"And frankly it upsets me greatly to hear, even here on MDC, that people think it's OK to just let mothers do all the housework & childcare and anything the fathers do is "help"

To me that was condescending, you basically implied that I (and others) are being sexist when that's not the case at all. Nobody said that the woman has to be the one to stay at home. Many men are wonderful stay at home parents.

Finally, the only way I can see both parents doing "equivalent childrearing" is if they have a situation like a previous poster mentioned where one parent works a night shift and the other works the day shift so they are both getting equal time with the child. That's not usually the case and it doesn't sound like yours. If one person is working 8-12 hours per day and the other person is at home 24/7 that only leaves a few hours for the working person to take care of the children and house cleaning.
post #59 of 85
Yep, my DH stayed at home for 2 years and loved it. I will be going back to work again probably when the baby is older and DH will be at home again. Now while he stayed home I did the majority of the house work still. He kept it tidy, but I was still the one to do the dishes, and maintenance cleaing. I like doing housework and like things tidy, where as he couldn't care less. But he played a more active roll in the childcare. I worked nights and slept during the day. Many times in the afternoons I did errands ect. If you work 10 hours + and you sleep for 8, that really doesn't leave much time for anything else.
post #60 of 85
DH comes home from work and is "on" with dd and ds2...and ds1, for that matter (he's 12, so it's a bit different). He changes diapers, takes dd for her nap, checks in on ds1's homework/chores, holds ds2...whatever. I make dinner, do most of the laundry (during the day - makes sense to me) and most of the general cleaning. DH is legally blind and can't see the dirt on the floor, counter, etc.

If I'm having a bad day, or have too much to do (Christmas stuff, for example), dh will jump in and make dinner. He couldn't cook when he moved in with me, but I was working and he wasn't, so he did everything. He's become quite a talented chef.

I don't think there's anything, except cleaning (floors, windows, mirrors, toilets, stove, etc.) that he doesn't do, and he only misses that because of his eyesight.

I think he works harder than I do, to be honest. But, he also gets his naps most evenings. He gets up early for work, so I like to make sure he gets enough sleep, especially as he cycles to work. I don't like to think of him biking along and getting hit by a car because he was too tired to be aware of what's going on around him...
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