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Does Dh help? - Page 4

post #61 of 85
No, not really at all and to be honest I am planning on leaving after our trip to his familys for x mas I already have my ticket and I hate the fact that he totally represented himself as a capable father then never came through. I will not raise my dd around someone who doesnt seem too notice if shes there or not. I am bitter and I am leaving in the night or while hes at work because he will not want me to go. I have to for my own sanity. Raising children should be a time in you lives that you can enjoying and sometimes not so much anjoy togrther
post #62 of 85
I wouldn't say he "helps." I'd say he does his share. He spend a lot of alone time with our Dd when he's off work, gives me time to myself, and does his share of the household duties. Our feeling has always been that when he comes home, then it's time for me to get a break.
post #63 of 85
Not unless I ask him for help. Sometimes I find it so frustrating that I have to ask him to give me a hand with the kids. On the other hand, he works so hard and such long hours that I feel that I should maybe just "suck it up". I hope to be able to find a better balance after I start doing childcare in my home. That way, I'll be able to help with finances and my hubby won't have to work so hard.
post #64 of 85
My dh doesn't cook, bathe or put them to bed, but he does play with them a ton when he comes home and that is sure a help to me as it frees me up to do the things I cannot do when he isn't here.

He really enjoys spending time with them. I cannot fathom a father who doesn't help out some.
post #65 of 85
THis reminds me of a Simpsons episode. Marge is leaving the house and Homer says, "I can't take care of the kids. I'm the father."

I understand your frustration. My dh helps w/ the kids, but he doesn't do much else--- I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. I'd have a heart to heart and use a counselor if necessary.
post #66 of 85
Does anyone else find that a spouse who is an active parent is not always so active at "helping" with chores? I don't expect him to walk through the door and wash dishes, like I do expect him to walk through the door and be a parent. But I do want him to pitch in sometimes. I do most of the household work because I'm here and frankly I'm just a neater person, but it's a neverending process and often impossible to get done when I'm alone with two kids, so I don't think it's fair that I have to do 100% of it. The longer I'm a Sahm, the more we seem to fall into this rut, and I find it very frustrating. He cooks, but probably hasn't done a load of laundry in years. It bugs me that he can't just, on a weekend, see that it's full and DO IT.
post #67 of 85
I guess it just depends on how your system works. For us the housework is my *job* while his job is working out of the home. But if it's set up that he has to do housework then he should certainly take more initiative to do it. Now if I asked him to do something (usually carry stuff or get me something) he will do it, but I never ask him to do housework, usually it's don't by the time he gets home anyway, and dinner clean up doesn't take that long.

It seems that if I had him doing housework, it would be more of a power struggle thing (I'm not your maid, so you are going to start doing stuff around here ect.) than an actual *need* for help. I gave up that power struggle thing long ago, I don't need help, and I'm not going to make my life miserable trying to fight for something that I don't care about.

He always thanks me for what I do. He tells me that he appriciates me when he hears that I'm up at 4 AM with a fussy baby. I get a kiss and a "I love you, thanks" when I serve him dinner. That's all I need. Maybe the fact that I don't feel taken advantage of, is why it's such a non issue for me.
post #68 of 85
My kids are older now so him "helping with the kids" isn't really needed. But when they were younger he did come home and help with various stuff and play with them. It's part of parenthood.

I never have thought that my Dh should have to come home and clean the house or cook a big meal after working all day. I try to have something ready to heat up in the microwave for him to eat and we just hang out together unless we have somewhere to go that night.
post #69 of 85
I guess I see it differently. I stay home to take care of my kids, not to be a housekeeper. Sure, a large part of it is part and parcel with being a SAHM, but I do plenty and expend a great deal of energy keeping the house clean and tidy, picked up, doing laundry, changing sheets weekly, running errands, keeping track of things, paying bills on time, shopping for inexpensive clothes, etc. etc. But I just don't have time to do ALL the heavy duty cleaning while caring for two kids under three and getting breaks so I don't go crazy. Maybe it's because I work from home very part-time, but there are many long stretches where I don't and feel the same way. I share the surprise a pp did on an earlier page, that so many people claim that all housework is their job. It's just so endless and often menial. It never feels like an equal relationship if I'm doing all of it or cleaning up after him.
post #70 of 85
I don't clean up after him. He puts his stuff where it belongs, dishes go in the sink, trash goes in the trash ect. But I do the cooking, dishes, mop, sweep, vacuum, ect. All stuff that I would be doing whether I was married with kids or single. Everyone here cleans up after themselves, ds1 puts his toys up, does his own roo, dishes in sink ect.

I guess it's all relative, and depends on so many different things. My house is rarely dirty and I don't feel that I put that much effort to keeping it that way. Like today I just did a little pickup, breakfast and lunch dishes, made bed, rounded up laundry to take off, and vacuuming, and really that only took about 45 mins total. All the while being able to check my messages between time. But for someone who has a bunch of little kids and a slobby DH might not have it so easy.

Another reason this is easy for me is because I did this for a living (cleaning houses and also being a caregiver) I also grew up taking care of the house, so it's just second nature to me.
post #71 of 85
Well my spouse isn't slobby, but I find the more that I do all the cleaning, the easier it is for him to take it for granted and leave stuff around, and I consider washing his dishes and clothes cleaning up after him. It's just a syndrome I don't want to get mired in. He works hard too, but keeping things clean is a way of life and I don't want to be the only one doing it. I miss having more free time, and I feel less entitled to it if I feel like it all rests on my shoulders. I also want my son to see us sharing duties.
post #72 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla
I don't clean up after him. He puts his stuff where it belongs, dishes go in the sink, trash goes in the trash ect. But I do the cooking, dishes, mop, sweep, vacuum, ect. All stuff that I would be doing whether I was married with kids or single. Everyone here cleans up after themselves, ds1 puts his toys up, does his own roo, dishes in sink ect.

I guess it's all relative, and depends on so many different things. My house is rarely dirty and I don't feel that I put that much effort to keeping it that way. Like today I just did a little pickup, breakfast and lunch dishes, made bed, rounded up laundry to take off, and vacuuming, and really that only took about 45 mins total. All the while being able to check my messages between time. But for someone who has a bunch of little kids and a slobby DH might not have it so easy.

Another reason this is easy for me is because I did this for a living (cleaning houses and also being a caregiver) I also grew up taking care of the house, so it's just second nature to me.


If your husband is appreciative of you and cleans up after himself and your kids do too, then it is totally different than a mama who does it all, with little ones underfoot and a husband who comes home, flops down on his butt and does nothing else, leaving his dishes and clothes everywhere. And especially when it is a mama who works and still has to do it all. That is highly unfair.

You dear, were blessed with a man who was raised right. That his wife is not his personal servant. You are also instilling this in your children.
post #73 of 85
Ahha! I found this post again just to let you all know that my dh is now finally doing something!! It may not seem like much, BUT... for the past 4 nights he has been taking dd2 and laying down with her in bed until she falls asleep. I bathe her, and read to her, and nurse her. Then she goes to snuggle with daddy. She whines for a few minutes because its new to her, but overall she falls asleep much more quickly with him than she does with me. This is now going to be his new "job" as we move from having 1 baby in the house, to two!

I'm amazed at how much happier I am with him, just by having him do this ONE thing! Seriously. Its not just that I don't have to do it. Its that it feels like he is doing something too. The responsibility is not all on my shoulders. I have to say.. it feels great. And it makes me find all those mushy feelings I have for him instead of just the resentful ones.
post #74 of 85
I know! Isn't that funny? I don't think men realize how much an aphrosisiac it is to see them scrubbing the toilet or gently interacting with the kids. It's the thought behind it.
post #75 of 85
It took him 10 minutes to get her to sleep tonight. 10 minutes!!!! I think I'm in love.
post #76 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by CalebsMama05
does your dh help you with the kid(s) after he gets home from work?

Just curious as mine doesnt and when i mention it to my sahm friends they say that its a load of BS. however my son naps for 6 hrs a day (3 2hr naps) and i get a break when he naps so *I* dont feel its unreasonable for my dh to be able to rest and relax when he gets home as he only has a 30 min lunch at work.

Thank you

Yes my dh helps with the running of the household, on his days off he cooks dinner and breakfast(he enjoys cooking). He will help with housework(won't do laundry).
Friends ask where I found him,cause their dh's don't lift a finger..
post #77 of 85
I wish my dh was more involved w/our daughter!!
He's self-employed and works like a horse every day - he leaves at 8a.m. and tries to return at 7:30p.m. to share dd's bedtime routine w/me. Most of the time though he returns at 8p.m. or even later!

Luckily there's no need for him to help me w/the household since we live as one big family w/my MIL and FIL which is great! My job is it do all the laundry and help my MIL to cook (assembling the table, etc.) and I make dinner most of the time (we only eat bread w/ham, cheese, etc. for dinner, lunch is when we eat a hot meal), we don't need to clean the house since we have a cleaning woman coming every two weeks. So household chores are shared as far as possible.
And of course I take care of dd, but there are times when my ILs do that for me - like when I have a doctor's appintment, etc. But neither of them would understand if I wanted to go alone anywhere else (like to the library, into town, to drink a coffee and such)

Everything will have to change tough when I start an apprenticeship this coming September. I am traing to be an office manager and will work from 7:30a.m. - 5p.m. DD will be at a waldorf daycare during the morning (until 1p.m.) and my ILs will take care of her afterwards. Our plan is though to move out until the end of the year so there won't be anymore someone (resp. my MIL) to take care of cooking, grocery shopping and such and I am a bit anxious

There are times when I am really frustrated that noone understands and is willing to give me a dd-off-time (tough I get that every monday and wednesday afternoon when I go into town by train to visit my therapist) but on the other hand I know that my DH is working that hard to pay off MY debts!
post #78 of 85
My DH and I both work from home for our business... he leaves the home to see clients for most of everyday and I have charge of the children.

I have to say that I am a very lucky woman. He helps with the children, will get up in the middle of the night, does his share of laundry, cooking and the dishes.

Some husbands help and some don't. I count my lucky stars on a regular basis that I found one that does. Things might be different in our home if I didn't bring in some bacon, but I really doubt it. The times that I go out for coffee nights, I think he realizes just how hard it is (especially when the two little ones are 18mo apart).
post #79 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by graciesma
No, not really at all and to be honest I am planning on leaving after our trip to his familys for x mas I already have my ticket and I hate the fact that he totally represented himself as a capable father then never came through. I will not raise my dd around someone who doesnt seem too notice if shes there or not. I am bitter and I am leaving in the night or while hes at work because he will not want me to go. I have to for my own sanity. Raising children should be a time in you lives that you can enjoying and sometimes not so much anjoy togrther

I feel very sorry for you and your daughter that your husband seems to be so unaffect of what's going on around him. sad
May I ask if you left him after christmas? It's already 2006 now so it might have already been a while. Where can you stay? How's your daughter coping with the new situation? And you as well?! How old is your daughther BTW?

I am lucky that my husband (though he's working loads) will stand by my side come what may!
If you need someone so talk to or anything else, please feel free to pm me! sup
post #80 of 85
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