Just so miserable this morning...

[mrzmeg]

I don't even know how we got on the subject of my depression, but DH really went off on me last night. He said that I hate the world, hate people, and hate myself and that Tristan should not have that kind of mother. He said that having no mother would be better for him. He told me that I should go back home to Arkansas and leave "his son" with him. He said that he had stayed with me this long because he thought he could help me, but that now he knew I "didn't want help".
This was right before bed and he acted like he was going to sleep in the living room, but after a few minutes came back in, apologized, and fell asleep.
During the night, Tristan woke up and I asked him to change his diaper (this is a normal thing for us). Well, I come back from the bathroom and Tristan is screaming because DH is trying to pee him (we EC). I got upset and told DH that I don't like to put Tristan on the potty at night because it totally wakes him up. Well, he got really angry and called me "crazy". This was geared to really make me hurt; my mom is schizoprenic and I am very worried about the possible genetic link of the disease.
He did end up apologizing for that too.
Anyway, I'm angry at him and questioning myself too. Is he right--would Tristan be better off without me? Whenever I interact with him, I try so hard to be upbeat and loving. But I guess he sees the other side of me too.
All I want to do today is cry. I actually thought (er...planned) on buying a plane ticket today and going to visit my folks for a while. But I woke up to the first snowfall of the year and there's no way I can get to the airport, much less fly.
Just so sad.

[mamaduck]

NO, he isn't right. Your baby needs YOU. He wants YOU. He is better off with an emotional mommy than with anyone else on the earth.

Your DH was wrong to speak to you so badly, and I'm glad he apologized. Is this a pattern for him? Or was this a surprise for you? If it is his pattern -- then he needs to get some help. And you need to get some time away.

Or did he just "snap" and it is a one-time thing? I know my PPD was horrible for DH -- impossible for him to understand and upsetting for him. He felt frustrated, dissapointed, and helpless. It helped him the 2nd time around to have read up on PPD -- so that he didn't need to blame me, and so that he hand some ideas of constructive ways to support me. It also helped ME to recognize that he was entitled to feel frustrated and dissapointed -- but that his feelings were no more my "fault" than was my PPD.

Would he speak to anyone else about this? Like a support group? Or would he read a book or 2? An article?

But above all else I want to say that the awful things he said were NOT true. Your baby needs you.

[Quirky]

I hope you don't feel like I'm butting in, as I didn't suffer from PPD, but I saw your post on the "new posts" page. I wanted to tell you that I've read a lot of your posts, particularly with respect to EC, and I think you are a great mama. I totally agree with mamaduck, that a) your baby needs you and b) your dh was way out of line.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I hope you will repeat to yourself every time you have a bad thought about yourself: "I am a great mom. My baby loves me and I love him. My baby needs me and I need him. I am a great mom." Because you are!

[Foobar]

I'm sorry. I'm glad your DH apologized. PPD is VERY stressful on all of the family and you know deep down that you are the best thing for your child!

I hope today is better, but please come and vent if you need to

[shematrix]

No, your baby would not be better off with out you! You are his momma and he needs you. I hope your dh was just beyond frustration and that is why he spoke to you that way. Depression is hard on everyone. Gosh knows, that is not an excuse for him to speak to you like that . I just hope this isn't normal behavior for him. KWIM?

HUGS. I hope you feel better soon.

Brenda

[Jish]

Are you getting help for you? Have you sought out any support groups or seen a psychiatrist? I know that I feel better when I can spout off to my friends who also suffer from depression, who can understand what I'm going through. As wonderful as my dh is, he will never understand what it feels like to be me on a daily basis.

I do feel badly for him, too. It must be so frustrating to see his wife feeling apathetic and totally nonmotivated like I do when the depression gets worse. It also must be frustrating for him when my anxiety is bad and I talk to him about it. I know that he must think in the back of his head "well, just don't think about it." Thankfully, he knows that he doesn't know what life is like for me. I have always come off as a very strong person, and I think it really scared me that night he had to take me to the ER because I couldn't take it anymore. He had never seen me so weak or hopeless before.

Perhaps you could both find someone to talk to, either together or separately to help you understand where the other is coming from, and how to live with this miserable disease.

[amymarie]

I just wanted to agree with the others...your son needs you...he would never be better off without you. Growing up my mom had problems with depression...she attempted suicide a couple times. I was older,in jr high then high school, but I never thought I would be better off without her. I never even wished she was different. Her illness has taught me a lot and helped me grow in many ways. Good luck to you and remember we're here if you need to vent and get stuff off your chest.

[mamamoo]

I just wanted to give you a hug. I know that it is hard on everyone. Your baby needs you!!! You are a great mom!!

[JesseMomme]

Wanted to give you a big hug ...yes PPd can be hard on the whole family and it does seem like your dh is fustrated. I hope that this is not a pattern for him (get fustrated, lash out, apoligize and two minutes later act like all is well with the world, until the next time..)
Your baby does need you.

[mrzmeg]

Thank you all so much for responding so kindly. It really helped me a lot!
DH came home from work early yesterday and we talked about this a long time. Going off like that is not something he does too often, but he is somewhat passive agressive, so when he blows up, it is big (and he feels bad about it quickly). It turns out that he read stuff about PPD while at work and it helped him understand more about it---he really didn't have a clue before (kept trying to get me to "snap out of it"). He apologized at length and admitted that he has a problem dealing with his frusteration and anger. We have decided that we're going to start going to counseling together. Our new insurance doesn't kick in for a week or two, so we'll go sometime after that. I haven't talked to a psychologist about my PPD, so I think that this will probably really help me, too.
I feel a lot better today. Thank you, mamas! You are all so supprotive--I am so glad that I can come here to talk.