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When do you draw the line.....

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
Latelly all that DH and I do is argue. We aren't in a good financial situation, and I have been a sahm for the last couple of years working on and off, but he really wants me to go back to work. When we first had our dd we BOTH took the decision that I should stay home . But latelly he's at me like I've been on a vacation for the last couple of years, and it's time I get off my lazy a@# and get to work! What you guys need to understand is that we have moved 3 times in the last year for him to find better jobs, and right now there is no work where we live, beleive me I have been activelly looking for work for the last month!! He wants to file for bancruptcy, and I just don't know how I feel about all this. To be honest I am really starting to think I would be better off on my own. He's been hintting at how things were simpler before we were together, and were he would be if we weren't together...
post #2 of 7
That is a decision only you can make. Financial difficulties can make it hard to see the good in anything. Sometimes it seems as though everything is wrong. If financial problems are your main source of conflict (which it seems from your post,) maybe you could consider financial counseling. Many (most?) people who declare bankruptcy do so not because they don't make enough money, but because they live above their means. And declaring bankruptcy isn't always a bad thing. It can relieve a lot of stress for some people and give them a fresh start.

Marriages are complex relationships and only you and your dh know what goes on in your marriage.

Good luck.
post #3 of 7
It is difficult no matter which way you go at this point.

Have you looked to see the actual financial costs of you working? Will it be a substantial amount after day care costs, or will you just barely make more?

Financial problems can be big and he's likely feeling the pressure and looking for ways to ease it, thinking that you working will be the magic cure. It likely won't.

The idea of financial counseling is a good one.
post #4 of 7
The early years of marriage are tough. The years parenting young children are (wonderful, but) tough. Throw in a few moves, financial strain, etc.. and it gets even harder. However, being a single parent is no picnic. I have BTDT. I think budget counseling may help. Maybe marital counseling if that doesn't help. Counseling is a lot cheaper than a divorce, and good counselors can help you decide whether or not filing bankruptcy is a good idea for you. CCCS may be able to help. Also, Crown Financial is a Christian based organization, but they have awesome financial resources via their website. I noticed that they even have a 20 minute online "chat" available for advice now from here: http://www.crown.org/FinancialWisdom...udgetCoach.asp You can use it more than once, but it is 20 min per session. You don't have to follow their beliefs to follow their very good budgeting advice.

They also have a library of good articles (look on the left side for the menu): http://www.crown.org/library/default.aspx

And here is a calculator that helps you decide whether or not it is worth it for Mom (or 2nd parent) to work after taxes, day care, etc. (naturally it can't take into account things like promotions, etc.):

mama, we all know being a SAHM is NOT a vacation! However, in times of stress and strain, everyone says things they don't mean - especially dh's, IMO (okay, I have, too)
post #5 of 7
Thread Starter 
Thanks for thr help!! I am going to see a counsellor this week. We are no way living above our needs, only bad financial decisions in the past... I know it's easy to put the blame on someone else, but my Dh is very spontaneous, when it comes to money. I convinced him to cancel the credit cards 3 months ago, so that takes care of that. And for me to go back to work is hard, since we live on an island, so if you factor in the ferrie, working for min wage and daycare, I would come out with not much.. I know a big part of our troubles come from the money issue... Hoppefully things will get better sooner than later!!! I know we both say things which don't mean, but those still stay in the back of your mind at the end of the day!!!
post #6 of 7
I've been in your shoes. My husband and I both agreed that staying home with our kids is the way to go but its a really hard thing to stick to once the bills start rolling in and you have no money to pay them.

What sort of hours does your husband work? Have you thought about looking for a part time evening job so that you can work when your husband is available to look after the kids? This has the added bonus of making your husband VERY aware of how much a$$ sitting you have been doing while staying at home with the kids.

Also...if you have the personality for it there are a lot of good companies that make it possible to work from home. My sister works for a cosmetic company and brings in an extra $1000 a month for her family without having to pay for a sitter very often since she works around her husbands schedule. I don't really know if I'm allowed to say company names here so I won't...and it doesn't even have to be cosmetics, there are lots of companies out there. This is also a great way to meet other women in the same position as you and you can often trade babysitting when your husband isn't available to watch the kids and you have to work.

Or you could try putting up a flyer at your local grocery store offering house cleaning (working around your husbands schedule) or baby sitting in your home (you're already working there anyway).

Also..something that my husband and I found very hard to do but it really made a huge difference...is you have to sit down and agree on what you are paying and what is waiting. Most of our problems came from NOT talking about what was going on and how we were going to deal with it. It takes a big effort to do it at first and its hard to not just end up yelling but once you agree on where you are at there will be a lot less tension.

Just remember that all this will pass. I really like Wayne Dyer and his ideas on abundance so you may want to check your library to see if they have or can get any of his books. Or he does have a website http://www.drwaynedyer.com/home/index.cfm
Sometimes all it takes to change your circumstances is to change your attitude. I know thats hard to do when you feel like you are drowning but it really made a difference for me when I started to look at things as something we were moving through rather than something we were stuck in. And it helps to look at what you DO have rather than what you DON'T have. At one point in time I was keeping a list of things I was grateful for and I actually put "I'm grateful for our $500 gas bill because it means we have heat in our house and a house to heat".

I'm sending good thoughts your way. Good luck with everything. I know how impossible everything can seem but its not concrete, you aren't stuck here forever.

post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all your thaughts, Casey, it made me feel a lot better ..! I know we will get through all this.. It's hard too because my DH works a 10-12h job a day min... This is also one of the reasons I stay home.
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