10 yo Son Moody, Called Me an "Ugly Hippie"-Need Advice

[beansavi]

How much of this is normal pre-teen stuff?

My son is 10 and 1/2, and when he didn't get to play his video games this morning, he "pretended" not to remember why he lost them (behavior on Friday), yelled, knocked things over and then called me an "ugly hippie".

He "pretends" that all his problems are because his mother is into natural parenting, inlcuding strict limits on electronic media. We go to the river and hike every weekend, and he is always great about half way through, really enjoying himself and getting "lost" in building forts and exploring. But before that, he flips out and doesn't want to leave the house, screaming, crying...

(Me)

[mamachandi]

My dd (11 1/2) can be very moody also its very stressful sometimes-)
re: media- we went through this as well- itstead of battling it out(I just couldn't do it anymore..!!)
-I require her to read equal amts to media time. I feel its a good compromise for us. More often than not she ends up really getting into her book, that she forgets about media time

[beansavi]

Yes it IS exhausting-I am worn out. Books are a good idea. We let him have the games for two hours every other weekend, but the t.v we should also limit to the same amount of book time.

I swear he is just allergic to the electronic stuff! When he is away (i.e. at the river, etc.) he is a completely, balanced, happy kid.

Whew!

[resimom]

wow. how did you react when he called you an ugly hippie? i would have been a crying mess for sure if my son did that.

[Ruthla]

Whenever my kids insult me (usually with "you're mean!" or something along those lines) I just say "Thank you." It totally throws them for a loop, lightens the mood, and helps me to change my perspective of the situation.

The way I see it, it's my job to be my children's parent, not their friend. If I don't upset them once in a while, I must not be doing my job! Keep in mind, I don't TRY to anger or upset them, but when it happens I try to keep things in perspective.

[beansavi]

Great advice, guys. Yep I cried and I let him see. I told him I am a human (although part goddess!) and that I have feelings.

He has apologized all day.

Whew!

[srain]

I'm kind of confused about the going-to-the-river dynamic. You drag him along every single weekend even though he screams and cries about it? Or did he just do that a few times?

[resimom]

Originally Posted by beansavi

Great advice, guys. Yep I cried and I let him see. I told him I am a human (although part goddess!) and that I have feelings.

He has apologized all day.

Whew!

oh good! i bet he won't call you that again. i also let my kids know when they hurt my feelings. i would rather them learn about that impact on me than on someone else.

[boston]

Originally Posted by srain

I'm kind of confused about the going-to-the-river dynamic. You drag him along every single weekend even though he screams and cries about it? Or did he just do that a few times?

I'm also confused about this.

[Alkenny]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

The way I see it, it's my job to be my children's parent, not their friend. If I don't upset them once in a while, I must not be doing my job! Keep in mind, I don't TRY to anger or upset them, but when it happens I try to keep things in perspective.

OP, I'm glad that he saw that you were "human" too. I think it's all normal to lash out with words, but to see that his words had effect was good for him also. Cause and effect, you know?

[mamabeca]

My dd can be a bother when we decide AS A FAMILY to plan a hike. She IS part of the planning (when, where, how long, etc.). She's fine in the planning stage, but when it comes time to pack up and go, she can really whine my ears off. Once we're out there for a few, she's FINE. But we can ONLY go on weekends, unless it's holidays. And saturdays and sundays she's allowed one hour of tv each morning. So she REALLY whines about it. Geesh.

Sarah, I think it has to do w/getting them over the hump and into the groove. Knowing they'll get there, because you ARE in tune with them, and you DO know them well, rather than forcing them kicking and screaming into something they may or may not enjoy... Bedtime is another example. Mama knows her kid when that child is overtired, and although it means listening to the crying, whining etc., sleep is really what they need. Sometimes some fresh air and outside time is critical to children, and when they get it they do become more balanced. I think that's where the OP was coming from, anyway.

[srain]

Originally Posted by mamabeca

Knowing they'll get there, because you ARE in tune with them, and you DO know them well, rather than forcing them kicking and screaming into something they may or may not enjoy... Bedtime is another example. Mama knows her kid when that child is overtired, and although it means listening to the crying, whining etc., sleep is really what they need.

When they're 4, maybe. When they're 10, I disagree. I can't say much about this thread's situation because I don't know exactly what the OP meant, but if a pre-teen is consistently throwing screaming fits over an activity that takes place every single week, I think something is really wrong. (Some preschoolers throw screaming fits over dropping a spoon; age does matter here.)

[mamatoady]

[QUOTE=srain] but if a pre-teen is consistently throwing screaming fits over an activity that takes place every single week, I think something is really wrong. QUOTE]

this has some merit...actually it says a lot for your son. He clearly doesn't want to go,yet allows himself to have a good time once he's there...it doesn't mean he's changed his mind and WANTS to be there, he's just not allowing it to get to him. somewhere inside of him, he knows it'll suck even more if he's in a crappy mood the whole time.

I understand this wasn't the point of your post, but it may be worth looking into. perhaps letting him decide what you do over the weekend, allowing for some parental stipulations if you see fit. for example...has to be outside activity or whatever. maybe he is feeling the need to have some control/power,hence the name calling. after telling you he didn't want to go and you still didn't listen, what else is he supposed to do? just blindly follow the leader forever?

just a thought,
sarah

[RubyWild]

Originally Posted by srain

I'm kind of confused about the going-to-the-river dynamic. You drag him along every single weekend even though he screams and cries about it? Or did he just do that a few times?

I agree. I remember my parents forcing me to go to the coast. Yes, I would have some fun there eventually, but I hate the coast. I hate the wind, the sand, the cold, the hot, the openness. I still don't know why I was forced to go and have bad memories of it, despite, like I said, enjoying some aspects of it.

I live 45 minutes from the coast and never go there now.

[beansavi]

No, what I mean is he looooves the river, but he screams that he doesn't want to go if he has been playing video games. If he has not been (an off weekend) he hops up and puts the dog in the car, ready to rock...

[beansavi]

[QUOTE=mamatoady]

Originally Posted by srain

but if a pre-teen is consistently throwing screaming fits over an activity that takes place every single week, I think something is really wrong. QUOTE]

this has some merit...actually it says a lot for your son. He clearly doesn't want to go,yet allows himself to have a good time once he's there...it doesn't mean he's changed his mind and WANTS to be there, he's just not allowing it to get to him. somewhere inside of him, he knows it'll suck even more if he's in a crappy mood the whole time.

I understand this wasn't the point of your post, but it may be worth looking into. perhaps letting him decide what you do over the weekend, allowing for some parental stipulations if you see fit. for example...has to be outside activity or whatever. maybe he is feeling the need to have some control/power,hence the name calling. after telling you he didn't want to go and you still didn't listen, what else is he supposed to do? just blindly follow the leader forever?

just a thought,
sarah

See previous post. I wouldn't drag a kid to the river who hated it. I would also worry about a kid who "didn't like" being outside, at the river, etc. He truly loves it. It is the games that make him "freak out" about any kind of activity other than playing them...

[beansavi]

Originally Posted by mamabeca

Sometimes some fresh air and outside time is critical to children, and when they get it they do become more balanced. I think that's where the OP was coming from, anyway.

EXACTLY

[angela&avery]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Whenever my kids insult me (usually with "you're mean!" or something along those lines) I just say "Thank you." It totally throws them for a loop, lightens the mood, and helps me to change my perspective of the situation..

i love this

[shanagirl]

beansavi-- I am very sympathetic to your OP. I was so stricken at the thought of a son calling his mother an ugly hippie I got a little distracted, then I realized later in this thread your son is exactly the same age as my nephew (who I tend to think of as 8 or 9, but nope, he's 10).

First of all, I think it's wonderful that you have family outings on the weekends. We spend a lot of time in the woods with our dogs and sometimes dd grumbles about having to go (she is 8 now) but once we are out there she always loves it, and so many of her friends want to come with because they never get to go anywhere like that. Do you think it would help if you offered to let your son bring a friend once in awhile?

Also, altho you seem very typical for a mom on this site, are you very different from his friends' moms, who might not be so attentive to the effects the electronic stuff has on them? You said he 'pretends' his problems are caused by your belief in natural parenting, but if he's aware that you are more restrictive than his friends' parents, and that your whole philosophy on family and parenting is very different, and if it results in him feeling different (in a bad way) from his friends, he may very genuinely believe it IS the cause of his problems, such as they are at 10.

In restricting older kids from things they love and their friends have, I think you have to make an effort to help them discover other things they can enjoy so they see that they can get over it and get past it.

BTW, my mom used to say the same thing, Ruthla-- "I'm not your friend, I'm your mother. You can have as many friends as you want but you only have one mom."

[srain]

Originally Posted by beansavi

No, what I mean is he looooves the river, but he screams that he doesn't want to go if he has been playing video games. If he has not been (an off weekend) he hops up and puts the dog in the car, ready to rock...

Hmmm. It sounds like you feel the games cause major negative changes in his personality. What sorts of limits do you set? Frequency/ content/ etc.? I wonder if fewer or greater restrictions would change the dynamic. or just something "different"- like unlimited gaming some days, none on other days-