6 year old daughter angry and sad at bio father..HELP!

[supermuma]

I am not even sure how to get this all out.

My 6 year old daughter is having a really hard time dealing with her unpredictable bio dad. We have been divorced since she was 3 and she will be 7 in February.

Her dad has been very unpredictable in his involvement with her since we split up. For months he was across the country, he doesn't see her or her little brother for weeks at a time and then when he does it is only for a few hours or he has them for one night and goes to work all night long.
He pays no child support and never asks about school or other things that a dad should do.
She is just starting to really notice this but at the same time she is not old enough to grasp it completely, which is making it harder.

Yesterday he came to get them for a few hours, he took them out to eat and brought his new girlfriend and her two children with him. After he dropped them off and left my daugher was a wreck.

She started screaming and yelling and then crying. She asked me why her daddy didn't care about her. Why he never asked her about school and never came to her school events. She wanted to know why he wouldn't just be a good daddy and love her. She was screaming this!
She asked why he couldn't be there for her when she would always be there for him no matter what. This is pretty heavy talk and emotions for a 6 year old to be dealing with.
I don't know what to tell her. I never say anything bad about him to her or in front of her. I am very open and let her come to her own conclusions, but I know she needs guidance here. I just don't know what to say to her to help her feel better, to help her through this so that she does not take it out on herself, which is kind of what it seems like she is doing right now.

Her brother doesn't really seem to notice, he was SO young when we separated and very young when I met my fiance. He has always looked to my fiance for that kind of love and support because he has been around the most. Bio dad has been so scarce it is hardly a suprise.

We have a good and supporting family life at home, but I understand my daughters anger with her bio dad. I just worry that she will probably never get what she needs from bio dad, no matter how much she wants it and needs it. And I see the hurt it is causing her already.

How can I make her stronger? Better able to deal with this?

Has anyone else been through this? Does anyone know of any good books that might help? Resources of any kind?

Sorry this is sooo long! I am just frustrated and feel helpless to help her.

[flapjack]

As far as books go, read "how to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk.) There is nothing that is ever going to prepare you for watching the jackass who is meant to love and value your child break their hearts, but there IS stuff that can stop you making it harder for them.
btdt, really wish I hadn't.

[supermuma]

Thank you for the book suggestion. I will check it out.
And thanks for the quick reply! I really feel powerless and I hate feeling that way, I want to empower her!

Thanks so much.

[AndiG]

I don't know.
You could try telling her something simple but direct like "Your Daddy does love you but sometimes people aren't good at showing you that they love you?" And ask her about what things he does ask her about / do with her, that make her happy, and draw her attention to those as him showing her that he loves her?

Ask her what it is a good daddy should do in her opinion? Then perhaps talk to your ex about it... At six or seven she might have specific simple ideas about what constitutes a 'good daddy'

I'm sorry, this sounds like a hard situation, especially since, as you said, you've not bad mouthed him. It does hurt when your child suddenly sees something you didn't want them to realize.

[kama'aina mama]

It sounds like you are doing what is right. Listen. Reassure her. Remind her that this is about him not her. That he left you and her and her brother and that each of you is terrific. That him leaving has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him. Also, talk to her school guidance councelor. There may be someone who can do art therapy with her, help her get some of this anger clarified and out in the open.

I'm so sorry mama.

[supermuma]

She is also "pretending" to be sick so she can come home from school. I am thinking that it has something to do with this anger and sadness re: bio dad. It kills me that she is so hurt and saddened by this.

This is the third time in two weeks that she has randomly come home from school in the afternoon because she is "sick"

Aaagh!


Anyone have any experience with this type of behavior?

[angela&avery]

I dont , but it does sound as though she is really upset. Children have different ways of coping and this is her way.....I would give her some time and if things get worse, talk to the school or her pediatrician and see if she may need to talk to someone about her anger...... or go to play therapy... I have also seen other mommies on here talk about reading about and doing play therapy with their own child.... interesting thought.....try to play with her with barbies or little people and act things out. You may be able to find out and help her work through what else may be bothering her that she is not saying. Also talk to her, maybe you could lay with her every night for a little while and talk about your day together and just help her to get everything out on a daily basis, that may help her to cope as well.

[tara]

I have a neice in a similar situation... so heartbreaking! She is 9 now, and feeling much better about it. Therapy helped her, as did chewing out her dad... Yes, she finally got so mad that she just let him have it on the phone, and I think she felt a lot better after that.

What a tough situation, mama.

[supermuma]

Thank you all so much for your helpful suggestions and support.

I think she was at the point where she wanted to yell at him last night, she was SO angry.

It just makes me feel so bad for her. I knew that this day would come, I guess i was just hoping that he might grow up before she got to this point. Oh well!

[AndiG]

oh, and one more idea, if /when she gets this mad again, pick up the phone, call her father and LET her yell at him.
I have a coworker who did this with her twin six year olds when they got upset because Daddy couldn't come/ wouldn't come/ cancelled AGAIN and it was really good for all involved. Mama didn't have to feel like a referee, Daddy finally understood mama wasn't just being a bitch and exaggerating how the girls felt and the girls felt like participants in their own lives.
just a thought

[supermuma]

I did let her call him last night, but when she got on the phone she got all quiet and whiny sounding. She didn't say any of the things she wanted to say, she just cried. He...once again...told her how much he loved her and that he would see her again soon blah blah blah...I wish she would yell at him, to get it out of her system, to let him see that she really feels this way...it is almost like she doesn't want to yell at him because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings (she has actually said this at other times). She is really worried about hurting him. I am not sure why...she is very over protective over him, submissive? I don't know what the word I am looking for is. Does this make any sense?

Maybe she can yell at me about it because she feels secure in letting go with me. I don't know.

[orangefoot]

I feel for you. Our situation is a bit different in that my eldest saw and heard things and knew that his dad was bad. However he still wanted to give him chances and see what happened but now they have given up because he is never going to be what they need. Their dad dragged us all through court proceedings twice and both times he didn't keep to the agreements made, then followed my ds home from school twice and on the way to his swimming class which really freaked him out.

Ds1 is 12 now and had the kind of talk the pps are suggesting last year. He didn't scream or shout but he told his dad that he felt let down because he told them lies, broke promises and didn't act the way that a dad should.

Ds felt bad telling his dad this stuff as he is a sensitive and thoughtful child and knew that it would be hurtful but he felt he had to say it. At the end of about a 40 min call for most of which he was in tears, he told his dad he didn't want to see him or talk to him anymore as it was causing him too many bad feelings.

Ds2 is not bothered one way or the other and is very off hand about 'the other dad' but he was only 2 when we left and doesn't remember much about him.

Now their texts once in a blue moon and sends cards (not usually on their birthdays) and they are happy with that. I'm sure their dad isn't happy but I feel that my boys are at peace in themselves which they weren't for a long time when all the to-ing and fro-ing was going on.

Sometimes hard things have to be done to find a place where you are comfortable which is difficult for adults but is such a horrible thing for a young child to do.

I hope your dd can find a way to feel happier.

[supermuma]

Yes, I hope so too. I think that she may get to a point where she can tell him how she really feels, this is the first time she has actually gotten that angry. She has been sad about it before, for awhile now. Last night it was like she was feeling something she had never felt in that way before.

This has all surfaced after I made some changes and started sticking up for myself in the situation, as well as for them. I began telling him that if he couldn't find one night every other week to be just with them then he couldn't take them over night. It was just too stressful for them. They were coming home sad and cranky. My son never wanted to go, mostly because he doesn't think of bio dad as his dad like my daughter does. He has never had much of a bond with him since he was only 1 when we left.


She also saw and heard things (the main reason that we left) and even then she stuck up for him in a way, but she was only two and a half and under. She saw and heard it, but she doesn't remember it conciously. I know she didn't understand.

Thank you again for the support. This is a wonderful place.

[gaialice]

Yeah, I guess she thinks that if she is quiet and submissive her dad will like her more and want to be with her more, whereas with you she knows you love her no matter what and she can let go. I don't really have advice because I think you are doing all the right things... So, instead of advice I am sending you a link to a very nice art project.. .since your daughter seems to be so "explosive" I think she will enjoy building a volcano eruption with you. If she enjoys that you can borrow books about volcanoes in the library as well. I think it helps to see that nature is not all tranquillity and that she can relate better at times to the explosiveness of a volcano and at times with the quiet of a beach at dawn ... We are all one with nature... Keep it up you sound like a very caring mom...
http://www.volcanolive.com/model.html

[srain]

Have you talked to her father to let him know? And have you considered requesting child support? Weirdly, some absent fathers feel more committed when they are required to pay up.

[Red]

BTDT. My dd is 26 and has accepeted that her father will never be who she needs him to be, but knows now that her step-dad alwasy has been.



MEanwhile, she suffered for years! It was heartbreaking, but I never knew whwt to do. I'll be lurking here to see what others would do. Honestly, just being there for her and keeping the focus off of him as much as possible helps a bit.

[supermuma]

He is required to pay child support. In fact he has a warrant out for his arrest due to non payment.
It doesn't seem to do much unfortunately.

Thank you so much for the link!!! Very cool idea.


Yeah, I think that I just need to be there for her and ride it out. I hope I can help her talk it out, get it out etc.

It helps to know there are people out there who understand though!

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by supermuma

How can I make her stronger? Better able to deal with this?

Has anyone else been through this? Does anyone know of any good books that might help? Resources of any kind?

Sorry this is sooo long! I am just frustrated and feel helpless to help her.

My heart goes out to you...my dd speaks of her bio-dad every once in a while and asks me if he loves her. (he hasn't seen or called her for two years TODAY actually!) I always tell her that he loves her. He just doesnt know how to be a good daddy.

Your daughter just needs the reassurance that you love her and her daddy does love her, but doesn't know how to show her like a good daddy should. You want her to feel loved regardless of his actions. How involved is your fiance with her? My daughter quickly adjusted to her "new" dad...my fiance used to take her to the movies alone and did lots of things with her just the two of them. It really helped them bond and it helped my daughter heal. I always let my daughter know it's okay to feel sad. But I always point out all the people who do love her and care about her.

My situation is different though...he hasn't been around in two years. Your daughter probably feels very rejected seeing him with his new girlfriend and her kids. Is there any way you can restrict him from seeing her so little ( I think this is the biggest problem)? Can you just get full custody all around? From experience, my opinion is, a dad like that does not deserve time with his children at all. It does more damage than good.

I think we have a book called Where's My Daddy that we read to her when my fiance came into her life.

I do agree she is afraid to show her feelings with him because she is probably afraid of being rejected even more.

It's so hard to see our children in pain. I used to feel so guilty. Now, I feel okay. When my dd brings him up, I answer her questions and just swoop her up and love her. It's to the point that I'll give her the answer and then she suddenly switches the conversation to "Can you make me pancakes in the morning, mama?".

I'm rambling...but again, if he doesn't step up then he needs to step down and move on with his new life. I expect my daughter will want to contact her dad later in life, maybe even in a few years...I will let her when I feel she is emotionally mature enough to handle all the feelings that will come of it.


one more thing...can dd write a letter to her dad telling him how much he hurts her? Let her get it out.

[supermuma]

Thank you for your advice, I read this a few days ago but I have been soo busy that I am just getting around to replying.

I do think that his involvement is hurting her more at this point...I just want to yell...either be there all the way or go away altogether. This back and forth, "when ever I have time I will call" crap is only making it worse for her. She has NO say at all in when she sees him, it is totally random and there is absolutely no pattern to his visits or phone calls. :

I am working on it. The legal stuff is so hard...but I am working on it.

In the mean time I am just trying to stay by her side, listen and let her know that I love her and will love her always no matter what.

[DigitalSuze]

I just came across this thread and thought I'd chime in. My ds is 10 now -- his dad and I split up when he was five. Ex-h has prescription drug addiction, which made some of my choices a lot easier. It's been quite a merry-go-round, but I am really happy that I sought joint custody of my son a few years back, so I never have to worry that my son isn't safe. The ex is supposed to pay child support, but never has (and I even agreed to less than the state minimum!) -- for me, the fact that he contributes nothing financially and is unreliable has over time made it really easy for me to feel just fine about controlling his access to our son. He has never been permitted unsupervised visits since I won custody, and a year ago his life became such a mess that he lost his job, car, everything. For awhile, I actually would *pick him up and bring him to our house* to see S...but his behavior became more and more erratic and clearly of no benefit to our son. Seven months ago, I cut off all contact with him.

Anyway -- over the years, my son has dealt with heartrending episodes of anger at and disappointment with his father. He wouldn't show up when he said he would, even though he only saw S once or twice a week for a couple of hours. You're right -- your daughter is never going to express this anger directly to her father for fear of alienating him. You're the one she trusts, you're the one she knows isn't going anywhere no matter how she behaves. She's lucky that she can take you for granted in that way. Every child needs parents they can take for granted. Eventually, when my son would get angry, instead of trying to make him feel better by letting him know his dad loves him, I started backing him up. I told him he was absolutely right to be angry with him, and that if he chose to he has every right to tell him that (he never did). I never made personal comments about his dad. And I don't think he knows to this day that his dad doesn't pay child support. He doesn't need that information.

When I cut off contact, I was straight up with my son about it. I told him that his dad loves him, but isn't being a good dad. I explained to him the concept that a good parent is someone you know is there no matter what and someone you can depend on, and that I am that parent and one is all you need in a pinch. Surprisingly, he got it. I told him it's not necessarily forever -- I am still in contact with him, but I have put down some heavy ground rules for his future interactions with his son -- but I don't honestly know when they'll see each other again. Ds has talked to his dad on the phone a couple of times in the last month or so, and I'm feeling out the possibility of occasional get togethers without doing anything too regular. I don't want my ds depending on his dad, because it isn't realistic to set him up for disappointment. I'm sure my ex boo-hoos to anyone who will listen that his harpy ex-wife won't let him see his beloved son, and good for him -- if it keeps him away from us for awhile, he can formulate whatever sob story makes him happy.

Your daughter is young of course, but I don't know -- I think you tell kids as much truth as you think they can handle. Jeez, I really rambled on here -- I hope there was something useful in all of this. BTW, my son's overall level of happiness and behavior has improved markedly since he quit depending on his father. He loves and misses him, to be sure, but he handles it well. And maybe pretty soon I'll be able to work out a way for him to see his dad that we can all live with.