so long alone

[nillawafer]

it's been three and a half years since my husband's suicide. since then i have endured deep depression, anxiety, a child's repeated suicide attempts and hospitalizations and hard drug addiction. so many days and nights alone. i thank the few souls who have come to my aid in my hour of need. i am grateful i have had health care to pay for therapy as this is often the only person who talks to me on a regular basis other than my mom.

it all started out with the highest of hopes. a pregnancy, three homebirths, a midwifery education and practice, unschooling. our heads full of ideas. our hearts just trying to survive the challenge when the truth is we were two very messed up souls with big ideas. we can make idols of our dreams, just like the suburban folks who want the three car garage and 5 bedroom house. i am not sorry we tried. i have learned so much. but i am tired and spent. and i am hoping i won't have to spend many more years this way, but will have another chance to prove i am a capable and loving friend and partner. all in all it was worth trying and perhaps the future has some good things in store that are beyond my imaginings. the pain is less, but a numbness sets in. how wonderful it would be to have deep feelings again. i guess this is our body and mind's way of protecting themselves.

please don't judge a person's failures by their choices to try new and ambitious things. life is hard for all of us, no matter how we birthed our children, raised them, schooled them, etc. life is just an incredible ride. to keep hope alive is an incredible work.

[chiromama]

I couldn't read and not offer a I hope you can find a community to chat with here and not feel so alone. : for your husband.

[Lucky Charm]

I don't know what to say, except how terribly sorry I am for all that you have gone through.

This sounds incredibly cliche, but I give you alot of credit. You sound strong, yet fragile all at the same time.

I do hope that things get better, you get stronger.

Lisa

[Melda]

I am so sorry for everything you are going thru (((((hugs)))) and hope are being sent your way ...

[lisamarie]

hugs~

lisa

[GearGirl]

Wow, that sounds like you have been through so much. I hope you are given an opportunity for your strength to shine in a happy way as well.

[applejuice]

My DH died two and a half years ago. At that point we had homeschooled my DS to grade six, and then we put him in the school at which I was teaching. He has done well, but I mourn the hopes we had made come true and the ones we failed.

s to you. I have walked that path and I have been there with you.

[nillawafer]

thank you

thank you everyone for listening to me vent my feelings and offering suppport. i hope we have the strength to make life good for all of us left behind. as for my huband, i hope wherever he is he finds what he was searching for that he couldn't get here. maybe just freedom from his inner pain. peace to you all!

[rainbowmoon]

I feel like I'm at the beginning of the journey you describe. My DH died in August and I feel SO alone right now. The shock has finally started to wear off and reality is just scary. Nobody understands it either unless you've been there. and surrounding myself with people just makes me feel even MORE alone. Thankfully I have my children to keep me from falling to deeper into the depression. I just think you can't put a limit on the grief process though. anyway I just wanted to say you are NOT alone in feeling alone.

[Cullens_Girl]

[chrissy]

[dziejen]

Wishing you peace. I am so sorry that you have had to endure so much loss and sadness.

[Breathe]

nillawafer, Hugs to you on this cold, cold night. I logged on tonight feeling a little down myself and the title of your thread grabbed me . . . so instead of just lurking, I thought I'd invite you to talk some more about your dreams and old life and children and new life and old thoughts and new thoughts. But only if you want to. I've found it so amazing that my little computer screen has given me access to SO many sympathetic ears over these years here at MDC, so I wanted to let you know that there are mamas here who are willing to listen if you feel like "talking." (and will also understand completely if you're not comfortable doing that -- or just too darn tired!)

You're in my thoughts!

[delphine]

I didn't want to read without posting. Thinking of you.

[mamabearsoblessed]

Strong to you Mama. Over and over.

[ollineeba]

Oh, mama
I can't imagine what you've gone through. I really can't. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and like Breathe said, we are here in case you feel like talking more.

[niblet]

Couldn't read without posting either.

We are all to some degree "messed up souls with big ideas." You have been through so much, with continuing heartbreak. But it sounds like you also have great resources of wisdom and compassion. Wishing you peace in 2006.

[nillawafer]

christmas night release

i wish i knew how to add all these cool little features like the symbols for family members and mood indicators, etc. i will have to spend more time reading all the info about it when i can focus more. i'd get one of my children to help, but i don't want them reading my posts.

yesterday had its really rough moments during our christmas eve celebration. my oldest whom i nursed 3 years, cuddled in our bed, sang lullabies to, read to until she was 13 or so, and unschooled her entire life tore me to shreds and reminded me why i am the cause of all her troubles in life. she reminded me of times i don't even want to remember because i'm so ashamed of how badly i handled times i was exhausted, depressed, frustrated, and out of control emotionally and she was the on the receiving end. i have to admit to myself and god, in those moments i definately fell short. but i spent most of our lives trying to live up to all the ideals a natural, homeschooling type mother would. she is not sorry about the homeschooling...she doesn't regret that at all, just that i wasn't always sweetness and light and supportive. i feel i tried my best considering we were forging the trail in our area, but since her dad left us, she just dwells on all my faults and regularly makes sure i know what a scumbag of a human being i am. i have worked so hard on myself to be the best person i can be in my life, failing many times, but apologizing and trying to correct my mistakes, forgive myself for not always handling things right or even knowing what to do, and now i am paying dearly for it. it often feels like the only purpose in life i have left is to try to make something good out of all our failed dreams, but my adversary is my oldest and precious daughter, who seems hell bent on revenge and making sure i go to my grave with shame the last feeling i experience. i don't want to be the suffering martyr or let on that she is affecting me, but it really doesn't matter what i do, it will always be the wrong thing. if i am stoic and silent, i don't care or give a shit. if i defend myself, she reminds me of every bad thing about me to put me in my place. if i try to listen and be supportive, i am patronizing or she will just wail louder and louder and throw herself into a tizzy. iit's a no win game. nobody wins. when she has gotten threatening or violent i have called the police and i am told by her i am an evil person to throw her out on the street. she is 20 now, but i have two other children, one 16 and one 12. the 16 year old does online school so we can qualify for our survivor's benefits. he was formally unschooled also. my youngest, whose birthday is today, has always been a happy-go-lucky school child. we have a really great school in our town.

so the shame i am feeling this christmas isn't just for my own failings and the way our family's story has unfolded, showing us to be so messed up, but also that i have in some way brought shame to the midwifery, breastfeeding, homeschooling, etc. community by being such a poor representative of it. ofcourse, the conventional folks judge these failures in our lives as the result of living an "alternative" lifestyle to begin with.

i think mostly people judge me as a sweet and thoughtful person, but my husband's secrets are known by many in this town, even more than what i know, for he lived a double life (triple? quadruple?), but i think they click their tongues and pity me for not succeeding at parenting my homeschooled children and say to themselves, "well, she redeemed herself with the perfect schooled child, who has thrived despite the troubles that has befallen that family." i love that little angel, but i also love my "lazy," "selfish," and "messed up" unschooled kids. i never know how to defend myself.

thanks for listening. times are strange and hard for me. i feel guilty for even that considering so many are suffering around the world and are far worse off than me. i just feel sad my future may be taken up with dealing with an angry child who threatens suicide to hurt me, and never being able to have a person to love for myself that will want to be a part of our broken family.

peace to all this christmas night and thank you so much for this place to vent.

nilla

[nillawafer]

more cowbell for christmas

Originally Posted by chiromama

I couldn't read and not offer a I hope you can find a community to chat with here and not feel so alone. : for your husband.

i just had to say i love the cowbell reference. may you have all the cowbell you can handle!

[mama4gals]

Nillawafer, my heart goes out to you. How deeply you have suffered! I wanted to offer some words of sympathy with you about your dd. I know how hard this is to do, but take what she throws at you with a grain of salt. She is obviously in great pain, and you are the easiest person to take it out on. I have never been in your situation, but my oldest dd is almost 18, and despite the natural birth, 3 yrs of nursing, the organic foods, the family bed, the homeschooling for the first part of her life, the unconditional love, etc etc., she is still a teenager and will go through all the stuff they go through, including rebellion against me. It's sad that during this time when you could both really benefit from a good relationship, she makes it difficult.

Hang in there, mama. And don't be so hard on yourself. You've had a rough time holding body and soul together, and you're human. Cut yourself some slack.

Liz