so long alone - Page 2

[rachelle-a-tron]

(((Nilla)))


Sending you love & strength Mama!

[cloudspinning]

nilla, here's hoping you're still here and still reading. I wanted to tell you my story, in hopes of helping you a little. I confess that I was once like your eldest. My dad did not commit suicide, but my sister tried. Life at my house had been all about my sister for a long time, as she has always been the squeaky wheel, whereas I was low-maintenance. But after her suicide attempt I felt like I was pushed completely off to the side. She was 16, I was 14. My dad retired early from his well-paying job in another country (he came home for 3 months out of the year, essentially my mom had been a single mom, albeit with no money worries, up to that point) and came home to help my mom. Our finances went to hell, my parents declared bankruptcy, their lives were stressed and difficult. I was scared for my sister, and felt like all my problems were minor compared to what was happening. I became ever more self-sufficient...but man, I was lonely. I felt like I could never compete with my sister's drama. I leaned on my best friend when I could, but a lot of things that happened to me I just quietly suppressed. Then, finally, at about 18, I just filled with rage. I was angry with my sister for being depressed, for taking all the attention. I was angry with my mom for ignoring me. I was angry with my dad for not being there when we were younger, for being sure that he knew all the answers. I was so so angry, about everything. It made it so I could hear nothing. I could not let myself feel any sympathy, no empathy, nothing but anger or I felt like I would start denying that I was hurt. Everything I said and did was barbed, I lashed out often, I was snide and cruel. I did not think before I did anything, because if I did I would not be brave enough. I wasn't brave enough to face the truth, and I didn't say what I really should have said, I didn't share the real feelings and experiences. I tried to distance myself. I am still recovering from this, I still don't say everything that I should, and I don't know if I ever will. I am 30 years old now, almost 31. But, there *is* hope. I had my first child when I was 23, and with her growth so many things became clear for me. I have gained perspective. I finally realized my own responsibility in my past (oh, how this one has been key for me, and most troublesome). I realized the depth of my parents love for me, and their own limitations. I gained some humility, and some deep respect for what they went through. I still have some resentment, and at any hint of being ignored all the old feelings and pain come crashing back to me...and I get mean. I am trying to work on it, and I have apologized to my parents for all my cruelty. I can hope that they forgive me. I know that it is not fair to blame them for everything that happened. I truly love them.

I suspect that your daughter loves you so much, but she is so hurt and lost and has no idea who or what she should be. Her cruelty is about you and your husband, but mostly it is about her, about how she cannot fathom what has happened. It is not fair for you, and my heart aches for you and for your dd, and also for your ds'. Life is ever confusing, and we never know where it will lead. I admire you for making it here.

Your writing is very moving and vivid, and I sense a deep soul behind it. I want for things to work out for you, I want you to find comfort and love in your life. I'm lending my strength to you, and sending love along with it.

namaste,
cloudspinning

[nillawafer]

still surviving

i haven't visited this board in awhile. thanks cloud and others who posted in the meantime. my daughter is struggling to keep her sanity and keep her job so she can live independently. she would like to go to college, but after a lifetime of unschooling, she needs to pass the g.e.d. to qualify for most funding. she took the practice test and did very well except for math. i've been tutoring her, but when she is down, she can't function and begins to panic, and is unable to remember what she is doing. she is so bright and knowledgable, but her mental health problems are really getting in the way from her living an independent life. she begins to crumble under the pressure. thank you all for prayers. she gets so angry at me sometimes and says i'll never understand her. that may be true, but i don't think i have to understand her, just love her. and i do.

i am doing okay. grieving is becoming less and less a part of my life. now i find myself grieving more for the person i used to be and wished i was well enough to be certain i will be able to function into the future. but we never know from day to day anyway. i try to be present in the moment and hope i will pull it all together to figure out how to support myself once the survivor's benefits are gone. i miss midwifery, but feel good knowing i still help others through massage therapy, which i've been licensed to do for 22 years.

i have given up on getting closure about my husband's death. i was never allowed to see his body. the woman who had him arrested and caused the loss of his job and suicide to avoid prison and leave us with some means of support, won't talk to me, even though i stand next to her at the market and coffee shop often. his sister took his cremated remains to the top of a mountain a thousand miles from here per his wishes and we were not able to attend. i am worried i'd have a panic attack--i'm afraid of heights anyway.

i feel like someone in aa. one day at a time, even 4 years later.

peace to all.

nilla

[funkykat]

nillawafer, i could not read your posts without responding.... you sound like such a wonderful person, one who i would call a friend. in a previous post you wrote of people judging you because of "failing" certain communities... i think the ones who fail those communities are the ones who judge. these communities are still based on blazing trails in this day and age, and we are all human. being human comes with failed dreams, pain, anger, and mistakes. it comes with taking those things and incorporating them into a different you, that is where we should all embrace others no matter which communities we want to associate with. it is so hard to feel like an outsider, to feel judged, it is unfortunate that we cannot turn off that button. you should always know that you are doing the best you can at all times. you have been through, and are going through, more pain than most humans will ever experience in a lifetime. be kind to yourself, be forgiving. peace and hugs to you...

[EVC]