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Vent- Deadbeat dad and his clueless girlfriend

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
Long story short: My ex-h, who is the father of my 3 children, pays less than $2 a week per child in child support. He has them to his place every other weekend, and then he has somebody else watch them, while he goes out to the bars, drinks, and "plays gigs". My children beg me not to send them to their father's place. They would much rather spend time with me. He doesn't have a working fridge, so there's never any fresh, healthy foods.

Yesterday, I had to go to the hospital to get some testing done (24 hr EEG). Ex said he would watch the kids for me, so I could get the testing done. When the time came, however, he was MIA. His new girlfriend answered his cellphone, and claimed he wasn't there. Because I had to go back to the hospital today, I went to look for my ex again. He wasn't home. I went to his new girlfriend's house, and the door was open, but nobody answered the door. He was hiding from his own kids!!!

I called the cell phone, and he answered the phone finally, and said he wasn't going to watch the kids so I could go to the hospital. I'm so mad that he said he was going to do it, and then backed out at the last second, without calling to tell me... ON PURPOSE!!! My fiance had to take 2 afternoons off work to take me to the hospital and watch my kids... totally not his responsibility, but much appreciated! I was telling my ex on the phone that some things have got to change... he's going to have to support the kids more financially and emotionally. He promised the kids he was going to buy them new boots, gloves, hats, and coats this past weekend. Instead, he took his new girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant. He talks like he's dad of the year to this "woman", meanwhile he's acting like a deadbeat dad to the kids!!! Now that I can tolerate; She'll find out soon enough what a jerk he is... he's using her, and has admitted as much... but this woman had the nerve to grab the phone from my ex, and started YELLING AT ME!!! She was going on about how he's a wonderful dad, and is always talking about how he misses the kids so much, and claiming I don't let him see the kids! The complete opposite is true! I'm trying to encourage him to spend more time with the kids, and be a better dad. The kids want to spend time with their dad... not just have sleepovers at his cramped apartment with a babysitter!

That woman is so tacky and clueless! It's a sad situation, that is hurting the kids. I'm going to keep my mouth shut, and not tell her the real story. Like I said, she'll find out soon enough.

I just had to vent.

I can't force the man to be a father. I give up. I'm going to respect my childrens' wishes not to go to their father's apartment. He won't force them anyways. And, as soon as I get off public assistance, I'm going to take him back to court to get more than the less than two dollars a week per child he pays now.

I feel sorry for this girl he's dating now, who thinks he's a wonderful daddy. She has 2 babies of her own, and their dads aren't around. She's clinging to a man she thinks will be there for her, and she can't see he's using her. He's eating all her food, and "borrowing" her van all the time, and using her for a piece of... well, you know. I just hope and pray she doesn't get knocked up by him. I'd rather my kids not have half siblings. It's so messed up when there's animosity created by the new SO, when there would be potential for them to have children who are related to the other children. I don't want my kids to have "part time sibs"... blood relatives... siblings, who are supposed to be close... who never see each other, especially when they're so young. They don't understand.

Again, thanks for letting me vent.
post #2 of 9
My ex and his girlfriend situation are very similiar.

I learned that it is best not to rely on my ex for anything. That way, I'm never disappointed. I booked a few things and had to cancel last minute because he changed his mind about taking the kids. I learned to depend on sitters, family and friends and that made my life a WHOLE lot easier.

It sucks when these men choose not to be there for their kids, but as you stated and we all know, we can't change them or make them into the dads we want our children to have.
post #3 of 9
Thread Starter 
I think what is most frustrating is he was a caring dad before we separated. I never thought I'd be raising these kids on my own. We got pregnant with our oldest when I was still a teenager. We got married young. The odds were against us, and I was so convinced it wasn't going to happen to me.

Then, there were the times he wouldn't work, and pawned off all my belongings. There was the times he didn't pay bills, and my car was repossesed, and my house was foreclosed (the house I paid half the cost in CASH, and never saw a cent back from), when he promised he would fix things. There were black eyes. There were the times he took off because he didn't want the responsibility of a wife and kids. There were the times I took him back because I felt sorry for him when he was homeless. There were the days he made me miss school, or would busy me so that I couldn't get my schoolwork done. There were the days when I worked 2 jobs, plus babysat, plus I went to school full time and was battling a then undiagnosed illness, while he worked 1 part time job, and I'd have to come home and clean the house, while he yelled at me for the house being a mess. There was the time I was paralized with Lyme meningitis, and he stood over me and LAUGHED, and wouldn't call 911 for over half an hour.

We were best friends, but it seemed he did everything in his power to undermine me. I know the driving force behind all of this was laziness.

Oh, but this clueless girlfriend has no idea about all that. And she feels she has the right to grab the phone from him and threaten me?! She has no idea what she's talking about!!! I was with the man for over 7 years. I've known him over 8 years. I know what he's about... a little late, but better than never.
post #4 of 9
She will soon find out.
post #5 of 9
Dont take it personally. She's not yelling at you, she's yelling at her boyfriends ex. He's obviously made himself out to be innocent and of course she's going to want to defend him.
She doesnt know you and what a good person you are.

Try not to let it bother you, really, she's noone to you right? So, what does it really matter what shes says? Shes just blowing smoke....

Hang in there, (or hang up when she gets on the phone.. ) she'll soon realize that it wasnt all your fault (like he's told her) and lay off.

Good luck!
post #6 of 9
Wow, that sounds like serious drama! I think you are doing the right thing by not feeding into it. Engaging in conversation with her will only make it worse.

Any way to seek support from him NOW? If you are on public assistance, seems to me that you could really use that money. Are there free/low cost legal services in your area? Can your social worker help? You can't control what he tells his gf about you and the kids, or how he interacts with the kids during their visits, but you CAN control (or at least attempt to, by imposing consequences) his financial support of his children.
post #7 of 9
Thread Starter 
Public assistance "helps out" people going for child support. That's how I got the order for $23 a month total (for 3 kids). Then, public assistance takes that child support money, to pay back for what I'm receiving. Even if he paid more, I wouldn't receive more. I agreed not to go after him for more child support earlier because he claimed by not being ordered to pay more money, which wouldn't go to me anyways, he could have more money in his pockets, which he'd supposedly use to buy things for the kids. YEAH RIGHT!
post #8 of 9
Originally Posted by Shenjall
Try not to let it bother you, really, she's noone to you right? So, what does it really matter what shes says? Shes just blowing smoke....
It matters because this woman is around her children. That's a serious issue. Woudl you want someone like that feeling entitled to tell your children what a horrible person you are?
post #9 of 9
I have had people saying things like that to my kids. (my ex; dh ex; hey, I'm sure both of their entire families hate me!)
I cant control what anyone says about me when I'm not around so the best I can do is make sure my kids dont feel the same way. I know the truth, my kids know the truth and thats all that matters. I also cant stop anyone from feeling "entitled" or anything for that matter, can I? All I can do is control my emotions and reactions.

but this woman had the nerve to grab the phone from my ex, and started YELLING AT ME!!!
I cant find where it says the gf was yelling at or talking trash to the kids.

My point was to help relieve Journey of yet another stress. To worry about what a stranger thinks will drive a person crazy! I know, I've been there.

Journey, you have every right to be angry. She's truley a stranger to you and still felt she could cross a boundary. I agree, who the heck does she think she is? She doesnt know you! 'Cause if she did, she would realize thats its not so black and white, right?

I think you're on the right track emotionally by realizing that you cant force him to be a dad. Once we did this, things got alot easier.

Hang in there, you're doing great!
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