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Grandparents disagree!! grr!!

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
: I"m getting tired of my parents!

My husband and I both agreed that it would be best for us and for little Gabriel if I stayed with him, and not worked until he starts going to school. (He is 6 months old.)

My dear sweet hubby quit his job, and moved and got a different more stressful job that makes a lot more $$$ so that I could stay home.

And anyway, really, when you look at it, it would cost us more money than I would be receiving in a pay check to put DS in daycare and me get a job.

Anyway, the whole reason of our recent move was so that I could be able to stay at home.

And my parents are still telling me I need to get a job! They keep telling me that I could get a part time job and work on the days and times when my husband would be home to be with the baby. That's not going to work, because my husband works 50 hours a week, and if I did that we would never see each other, and also, his days off change from week to week. He is a restaurant manager, and never knows when he is going to have to drop everything and go in to work.

Also, I mean, yeah, we have to keep to a tight budget, but I think it's worth it. My husband and I discussed the fact that we would have to live more modestly for me to be able to stay at home. So far, this is working out. But my dad, especially, still is hounding me to get a job! UUUGGHH!!

I wish they would just leave me alone.

Ok. just a rant.
post #2 of 21

Just sounded like you needed that! I am the opposite from you... I HAVE to look for work after Christmas. Our financial situation is dire right now. Everyone is telling me to stay at home and I am getting pissed off b/c its not like I don't want to stay home. I don't have a choice!!!
Sometimes people just don't understand. You are doing what is best for your family....just like I am going to do what is best for mine. Don't let people get you down.
post #3 of 21
With me it's my mother who thinks I should be working outside the home.

Just keep up the good job you are doing. If you and dh think you hve made the right choice then thats all that matters.
post #4 of 21
Tell them that it is not up for discussion.

post #5 of 21
**shooting beverage through my nose....LOL***

Oh my gosh...this is my life! LOL. Anyway, my hubby is also a rest. manager who works 50+ hours a week, different shifts each day, different days off each week......

However...I HAVE worked, part time, since my baby was 4 months old......and we HAVE been able to work it around his schedule....
However, I have a VERY flexible job, and I do agree that it would probably be hard under most circumstances.......

Anyway, that is not the point, the point is that you and your husband have decided on a lifestyle that is (i assume) acceptable and satisfactory for the two of you, and if you guys are happy, then the in-laws need to remove their noses from your business!!!!!

Again, as with basically everything else, I agree with Alegna....be firm, be polite, but tell them firmly ONCE that it is not up for discussion, and after that, immediately leave if they start to bring it up, or ask them too. Don't stay in a situation where you are being berated for your choices. Just because you love them doesn't mean you have to let them be mean to you....
post #6 of 21
Tell them to shut up and mind their own business. grr, I'm mad for you.
post #7 of 21
Thread Starter 
Sometimes I just wish I could move to the opposite side of the country!

I mean, my mom was a stay at home mother until we started school. My dad felt it was important for her to stay home, but with me, he feels I need to go to work. I don't get that.

But thanks for all the support!

I need it, my dad (and everybody else, for that matter) wanted me to circ, no one (except my MIL and one of my sisters, bless them) understand breastfeeding, questioned my use of a midwife, and other very important and crucial debated upon and decided upon decision that me and my hubby made regarding my little one, they seemed to disagree with each and every one of them.

Sometimes, it feels like i'm out there alone.

All of the support from you guys is much needed and appreciated!
post #8 of 21
Originally Posted by gabysmom617
But my dad, especially, still is hounding me to get a job! UUUGGHH!!
Tell him you HAVE a job! And if he thinks being a SAHM isn't a job, you should have him come over and do it for a day. He'll change his tune.

Anyway, ((hugs)) to you. Family can be really annoying sometimes.
post #9 of 21
Yeah like it is their choice to make. They had their chance to raise a family, now it is your turn. You do what is best for you and your family.
post #10 of 21
Does he give a reason for this idea of his -- like does he think you're "wasting" your education, or does he not trust your husband to stick around, or something like that? Not that it's anybody's business -- emotional imperialism rearing its ugly head yet again.
post #11 of 21
There is a very good reason not to discuss these kinds of things with parents (and over bearing friends) - discussing it with them makes them think they get a vote. Or at the very least, that they get to pound you with their ideas. You're a grown woman with a husband and a child, what your parents want you to do doesn't really matter at all and they need to get that. One way to help them is to practice really neutral phrases that end the discussion, "This is not up for discussion, we are pleased with our plans" and then...change the subject. If they can't roll with it, suddenly remember you have to be somewhere else. Eventually they will give up. They may never agree with you, but at least you won't have to hear about it.
post #12 of 21
Originally Posted by NiteNicole
There is a very good reason not to discuss these kinds of things with parents (and over bearing friends) - discussing it with them makes them think they get a vote. Or at the very least, that they get to pound you with their ideas. You're a grown woman with a husband and a child, what your parents want you to do doesn't really matter at all and they need to get that.
Indeed! I have made good habit of keeping DH and I's decision making process rather mum. They certainly are aware that we've made some "uncommon" decisions (AP, CLW, Co-sleeping, H/S), and while there have been discussions started to this effect, unless we feel they are hearing us with both ears so to speak, we keep them short, pleasant and our convictions, quietly confident. (Strangely, staying home with DS is the one thing my mom and I agree wholeheartedly about... well, up until the point she realized that we were homeschooling and decided it was too much togetherness!)

My main issue with parents of parents getting involved in this way is one of some pretty intense resentment. For me personally, I take issue with the fact that if they are so incredibly confident about the best way to raise a family, then it should stand to reason that they have raised kids capable of making their own decisions. If they are still concerned about making decisions for you, then it's a reflection of their own insecurities.

You and your DH have gone to great lengths to make it possible for you to be a SAHM, so clearly it is something you are passionate about and something worth working for and making sacrifices for. My DH and I have done the same and have no regrets. It hasn't been easy, and at times we're been on some pretty loose footing financially, but even then there was learning to be had and in the crisis, a deepening of our committment to our parenting goals. Honestly, this is the first time in my life (aside from marrying DH that is) that I have been so clear from the inside out what I want and that feels darn good! I understand they whys of generations past putting huge emphasis on financial security, but in doing so they often miss the very important issue of "emotional security" which is just as or even MORE important given the rigors that society places on children and families today.

A book suggestion (for you and YOUR parents): Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. It will affirm your convictions 100 fold, and give them much to consider.

The best to you and good luck!

post #13 of 21
Tell him you HAVE a job! And if he thinks being a SAHM isn't a job, you should have him come over and do it for a day. He'll change his tune.

In my case it's my mom who thinks it is a personal affront to her past parenting that I have SAH for the past five years. It doesn't help when the dh doen'st have a job that one can even stretch money and live modestly on to make it work (he's a bartender, and has been in restaurants for years so I identify with you there) but me going to work on just a HS diploma isnt' going to 1. cover childcare 2. be impossible to get a set number of hours/days because like anyone in the restaurant/food service industry, hours change and are so unpredictable (we're used to that here too!)

I tell my mom "this is my job!"
post #14 of 21
I know it's hard when family disagrees or when we feel pressured by things that they say.

I would imagine that they are coming from a place of love and truly have your best interests at heart. Perhaps they see that your dh isn't as happy at this new job or that things are a bit of a struggle or strain. Don't we all want our children to have the best? They are probably just trying to make things better for you (isn't that what we parents want to do).

I'd sit down with them sometime (not when you're feeling stressed by their comments) and just tell them that the reason you don't work is because (whatever your reasons are), tell that that it is your choice and you and your dh feel it is the best decision for your family right now.

If you are honest and direct and just explain it to them they may feel more comfortable with your decisions.
post #15 of 21
If you are honest and direct and just explain it to them they may feel more comfortable with your decisions.
I must respectfully disagree with this. I have had some serious problems with my parents trying to control me and my dh. I feel that part of the problem is that I didn't nip it in the bud in its early stages. You do not owe them an explanation, nor do you need their approval. You and dh are the adults in your household, and will run it in the manner that is appropriate to your needs. They need to respect this.

Read the book "Toxic Inlaws", it has been very helpful to me, as I try to deal with the ongoing unpleasantness of my husband's inlaws (my parents).
post #16 of 21
My mother went through this with her mother, not the same issues of dissension, but the meddling and opinion-force-feeding. With me as the mother now, my mom is very careful with her opinion and will only offer it when asked or if she is really concerned that I'm missing something important. Then she gives advice and I respectfully listen to it and discuss it with her, sharing my (and dh's!) perspective and values and decisions. At the end of the discussion, she understands why we have made the choice and how we feel it is best. Then, she feels like I have heard her and I have her willing and strong participation in that parenting choice (whether or not she agrees with it, even after the conversation).
We hadn't discussed this method a whole lot when my aunt (my father's sister) commented that she and I didn't argue about my ds and that my mother was so respectful of my parenting. I explained the way it worked to my aunt (childless) and my mother backed me up.

A lot of this is a function of my relationship with my mother and of her personality and experiences with her mother being so intrusive and rude. But a lot of it is that I try really hard to get her buy-in by coming at it from a perspective of explaining our parenting and family values and priorities, so she feels like she can become part of that perspective with us. I hope that made sense. By then listening to her opinion and concerns, I can address them. There have definitely been times I took her advice, or modified it. This helps, too, if she feels that I do value her input and don't just disregard it as being antiquated, etc.

HTH, so much of it does depend on the family dynamics and whether or not your parents think you're a child still and want to parent YOU.
post #17 of 21
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all the loving support.

I have had conversations with my mother and father when things were not so tense about my decisions, and the reasons behind them, and they respectfully nod their heads.

Then, a week or 2 later, they still come up and say, you know, I STILL think you might consider getting a little something part time, blah blah blah..

I thinks it's time to just put the period at the end of the sentence with them. I'm not sure when or how I will do that. If they never bring up the subject again, then it's all well and good. If they do, then I will have something ready to say to them, depending on how the subject is brought up.

Thanks again for all of the support! I realize this is something that I need to stand up about now.
post #18 of 21
My mom got this crapola from my grandfather (dad's dad) almost constantly. When she stayed home, 'how dare she- she should be making money for the family' and when she decided to get a job to help make ends meet, 'you should be at home with the kids'.

After 10-15 years of this back and forth crap, she finally told my grandpa to shut up and leave her alone. Once she became comfortable knowing she was doing what was best for her family, it was easy for her to stand up to him. (not saying you're not comfortable, just sharing what my mom went through).

So....if you DO decide to go with their wonderful advice, just be prepared to hear how much you should be staying home within a few months of starting a job.
post #19 of 21

Do you think something you are saying to them is making them do this? I am wondering if you say things like "boy wish I could afford that" or something that you don't think of but may make them feel you "need the money" and maybe why they are pushing?

Or maybe they feel your marriage isn't secure and are concnered?

If they keep pushing after you have been so clear this is your choice I would be introspecting on if there is some message I was unconciously sending them that made them think that my choice wasn't a safe one or wasn't a sane one.

Just a thought-

of course if it was my mom I would know it was jsut becasue she is needing to justify HER choice to work when I was a child.
post #20 of 21
Thread Starter 
Well, yes as a matter of fact. We were in a pretty dire financial situation until my husband finished with his on-the-job training and got a big raise. They were helping us a little before that.

We live a pretty good distance away from our family, and one of the main reasons is because of our parenting choices, and getting earsful from them left and right, and constant criticism. (Their also other reasons behind our move.)

But now that my husband finished his training and is making his full amount, then I honestly to goodness don't need to get a job. We really are fine with things being the way they are.

I tried to explain that he got a raise now, and things are so much better, but it's just not sinking in with them.

Also, I was in the midst of college when I got pregnant, and working and schooling at the same time. I could not keep it up, for I had to be to school at 8 am in the morning, and stayed gone all day and did not get off till 1am at night. I could not keep this up once I was pregnant, so I had to quit school.

So having no college degree at the moment, we would not be able to afford child care, it would eat up any minimum wage paycheck I could happen to pick up. It would save more money to just stay home with him, at least until I could get some kind of online degree in something, somehow.

I am also battling with postpartum depression, and it is difficult to get up any kind of motivation to do anything at all. I am constantly having to wait and wait and wait for an appointment with some one qualified to give me a full testing and diagnosing, and I am working on that right now.

But it is just so frustrating, but at least I really don't need my parents anymore, since my husband got his raise....
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