sounds like it is a strained place for you and your DH.
I just wonder if you really prefer to be with women - how come you ended up married?? I completely understand that life is easier in a marriage hetero relationship. I guess the question is not really about sex, but if you were to choose a primary relationship would it be with a man or a woman?
If the answer is a woman, and you don't want to leave your DH - what do you two need to do/work on, so that everyone is getting their needs met??? Couple counselling?
I don't have the answers, but I wish you the best........... take it easy on your self it's a difficult place to be......