Oh Lilyka...I am so sorry you are having to deal with the fallout from your DH's fantasy tour. I too was in a similar situation. I wanted SO badly to attack the other woman - you have NO idea. In my case (and I recount this for your benefit but for mine too....I haven't spoken of it for such a long time) dh's high school sweetheart came out of the woodwork 5 weeks after we got married. She was "the one who got away" as far as he was concerned...it was all down hill from there. DH and I were getting settled into the marriage thing and really butting heads as we tried to figure out what our new roles were. And she was right there to prey on his insecurities about the new marriage.
He let me read every e-mail and IM with her (hours a day of that crap...very little of it benign) thinking if he was "open and honest" about it I couldn't have a problem with the two of them "just talking." But it never ends there in these kinds of situations. This went on for months. He wrote her love letters, they spoke for hours a night on his cell phone, she talked of leaving her husband, she sent him gifts, she flew to see him in CA when he was working there. He swore nothing happened but, even if, an emotional affair is still an affair. He cried over his love for her. Over his lost opportunity. I cried, and tore my hair, and pled, and begged... nothing changed his heart to see how wrong his actions were. He actually convinced himself that since she was in a bad marriage, he was counseling her and doing the Christian thing by not turning his back on her. <Gag> He refused counseling too. To this day he maintains his belief that he did nothing wrong.
The day she flew to see him in CA was the infamous Sept. 11th. Never in my life have I wished so hard for a particular plane to go crashing to ground!
Finally, I gave him an ultimatum that he was to have no contact with her. He agreed. OR did he... I came home early one day from work to see him penning a 6 page letter to her ...he had a secret e-mail address too...and changed the address for billing statement on his cell phone. I sat there impotently because I had never really intended to walk away.
Those things don't work unless there is force behind them. And it is the force of the actions that support such choices that actually does the final breaking of a marriage rather than begins to heal it. who ever heard of an ultimatum being met with a "Oh my goodness! YOur right! How could I have been so stupid?!??"
I realized the the only way she would be out of my life was for him to wish her to be. The only way that was ever going to happen was if he loved me so much that he would do absolutely anything to see me happy. So I served and I served and I bit my tongue. More than a year later he finally told her he would no longer be calling her and that she was on her own...without my prodding or insistence. Right result, but leaving a field of destruction behind him...
The aftermath? I was wrecked. I didn't trust him (I still don't in the absolute total way I should...the way that would allow me to love him most and best). I still wonder when, not if, he will betray my trust again. Our marriage is so much stronger, so much better than it was even before this woman arrived on the scene and yet I know there could still be more.
I wanted to get this woman out of our life. When she came to CA I drove to where my dh was staying (his parents house while they were in Europe) to confront this woman. Dh was still playing the "open and honest" game and I was dying. I met her. I had to eat dinner with her. My choices were to accompany them everywhere, or to let them be together alone. Talk about pain. I was truly the third wheel as I watched them hold hands and reminisce. :Puke
She was in a terrible marriage (according to DH). I actually pled with her, through my tears , as she packed to leave, to leave dh alone. That he was fixated on this old high school "could have been" feeling and it was ruining our marriage because she was willing to entertain it. It empowered her. She redoubled her efforts. She enjoyed seeing me get worked up about it. It was sick.
Contacting the other woman wont help. It takes a certain kind of person to be one half of an adulterous equation. I mean this both about my husband and about Her. It takes the kind of person who can rationalize their actions, who can twist reality to support their actions, who can meet the responses of others with indifference or dismissal convincing themselves the response is out of line. It takes someone who is blinded to God by self-interest.
I have written so many letters I didn't send. I have cried so many times for unhealed hurts. Time will pass, but the scars will only fade. They will never truly go away, in my opinion. What remains is a wife and a husband and a duty to each other and to God. I said my marriage is infinitely stronger now than it was then - and it is. Despite my pain, I realized there was so much I was not doing at the time that allowed dh to rationalize looking elsewhere for female support and attention. I was not submitting, I was obstinate, I was not taking on any of my responsibilities as a wife other than sex. I was not his helpmeet but a hindrance, an albatross, another thing to worry about. I was not a joy to him when he came home. I was a harpy. As much as I can recognize the error of my ways, as much as I have done to change these things, it doesn't help the hurt. Talking to the OW won't either. It will only piss Dh off...as it did mine. It will get better, Lilyka. Your commitment to your Dh shines through your posts like a beacon. He will see it and he will cleave to you. He may never apologize in words (mine didn't) but his actions will speak for him as you continue to repair things.
I write about it dispassionately now, but it is still so painful if I think too hard about it. (And I'm crying as I re-read this) We have been married now for almost 5 years. It doesn't get easier, it just gets further away. And I become more entrenched in my dedication to fulfilling God's will for me as a wife. Without everything that happened, I likely would not now be the wife am. I would have missed the lesson on humility and biblical submission in its entirety.
Sorry for the tome...
to all you wonderful women!