#2 Biblical Marriage/Wife Submission Thread - Page 24

[Pynki]

Originally Posted by lilyka

Ok so I need you wise ladies help.

this is a lose/lose situation.

So I need to lose as best i can.

Went away for the weekend. Dh was amazing. the girls had a riot, he was super dad and even fixed things around the house.

and he went shopping since he didn't luike my cooking utensils.

I have been working really hard to do four things in my kitchen.
* cut the clutter.
* get rid of plastic.
* get rid of teflon.
* make sure portions sizes we small.

and I was so sucessful. This weekend was the crowning touch whenI went to IKEA and bought smallish plates and bowls for my children (need I say for cheap ) so that thier helpings couldn't help but be small. Yay me. all our storage wear is glass. our pot is stainless steel and our three skillets and dutch oven (from small to freaking huge) are cast iron. everything fits into our 4 cupboards with room to spare.

So while I am away he outfits my kitchen with enourmous portion sized, teflon coated cooking stuff. a huge griddle thing and a giant muffin tin. I don't get it. whywould he but cookware for the weekend? why wouldn't he consider the fact that the only teflon in the house is his one little skillet that he has to have. does he not get it that I never use that pan? Does he not see the cast iron I keep stored on top of the stove?

but if I say anything I am doomed.

If I am anything lss than enthusiastic he will take it as a personal slight.

If i don't say anything and tell him I love it, I risk him buying more.

I will not use this stuff for my kids. however he is now king of breakfast and he will. and I can't just casualy take over because he thinks he is doing such a huge big favir. but he didn't bothr to ask how I felt about stuff. he is cooking like his mother. teflon seasoned everything. Nothing whole grain. nevermind that I just tortured my children for a month helping them aquire a taste for porrige. spening a lot of money finding what types we could choke down. will he ever ask fo rmy recipes? will he ever even think to make this stuff for them? Does he care that I have researched and have solid evidence and actually think beyond the check book and cravings when i plan what we will eat? does he not realize that I consider this one of the most important aspects of parenting? what I feed my children and how I cook it? He has no clue how we eat, how we cook anything, he hasn't done a bit of research on what is good and bad, has never questioned what his mom did in the kitchen or what the man tell him is good or bad and yet if i utter one word against these pans or what is cooked in them I am the bad guy.

what do I do?

do I just suck it up?

I cannot think of one way to adress thiswithout ruining everything.

Lilyka. I know this isn't generally my "group" I hang out with, but I have to ask. Have you talked to him about your teflon dislike? He isn't a mind reader. He isn't going to know your needs or desires if you don't tell him what they are.

You can respect the role you've given him as head of house and still tell him what you need and why you need it.

Something like.

"Hey honey, I really appreciate the hard work you put into the kitchen while I was gone. I noticed you bought some new pans and that was really thoughful thank-you. I have to tell you though that I have been trying to phase out the teflon in the house for x, y, & z reasons. I probably should have told you before and I apologize for that. You can't know something like that if we haven't talked about it."

You aren't criticising him and you take the blame for not actively communicating. Even if he's been around when you talk to OTHER people he may not trap the data in his brain because it wasn't directed from YOU to HIM.

Good Luck.

Dyan

[lilyka]

I am not sure if I talked to him already or not. i don't know how he could have mised it but he has missed a lot on the last year or two. . . . but I can't remember. Thanks though,. you are right,. If Iknew I hadn't talked to him it would be easier.

afish - So your told dh that you suspected a pregnancy, weren't sure what was up etc. . . How did you feel about walking through this alone? were youok with it? would you have rather had his support or could you not care less? How does he feel about being left out of it? Since you two are already talking about it just ask h9im what he thinks. If it stressed youout to go ti alone tell him you would like to include him on these kinds of things. because while he might not mind you handeling iton your own he might mind that you stressed out wakling it alone because youthought he couldn't be bothered. Am i making any sense here? how you feel, and being able to met those needs and support you emotionally are probably far more important to him than knowing what your body is doing. So he may or may not mind you wanting to handle this on your own and keepingi nformation on a need to know basis but I would bet he wouldn't want you to stress out about things and feel like yuo can't go to him. but the only way to know any of this is to talk about right now while the lines of communication about this subject are already open. And generally speaking any time a pregnancy or perhaps pregnancy is involved I feel the father has a right to know.

[Verity]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

I forgot to say Congratulations, AngelBee!!!!!!


Bill Gothard is strange. I actually never heard of him, in spite of the very conservative circles I travel in, until I saw him mentioned in a similar context to this discussion. How can adoption be unBiblical???

I lurk sometimes on this thread, but had to jump in here.

I attended a Bill Gothard seminar years ago. He singlehandedly drove me away from the Baptist/Christian Church denominations, and had much to do with cementing my feminist views.

It's just interesting to me that even some conservatives think Bill Gothard is "out there."

[oldermamato5]

He is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy out there.

[oldermamato5]

afwab,I'm sorry to hear about all your hormone problems As for telling your dh I would definitely tell him what's been going on. After all,he loves you.

[thistle]

I don't normally participate in this thread, but I was reading Pope John Paul II writings on the family and found this too beautiful to not share. It is from Familiaris Consortio--

"Within the conjugal and family communion-community, the man is called upon to live his gift and role as husband and father.

In his wife he sees the fulfillment of God's intention: "It is not good that the man should be alone, I will make him a helper fit for him,"(67) and he makes his own the cry of Adam, the first husband: "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh."(68)

Authentic conjugal love presupposes and requires that a man have a profound respect for the equal dignity of his wife: "You are not her master," writes St. Ambrose, "but her husband; she was not given to you to be your slave, but your wife.... Reciprocate her attentiveness to you and be grateful to her for her love."(69) With his wife a man should live "a very special form of personal friendship."(70) As for the Christian, he is called upon to develop a new attitude of love, manifesting towards his wife a charity that is both gentle and strong like that which Christ has for the Church."


For those of you unfamiliar with St Ambrose, he was an Early Church father and was made Bishop of Milan in 374 AD.

I just thought that this was a beautiful expression of the husband's relationship and responsibility to the wife and I wanted to share it.

[afishwithabike]

I appreciate that you shared that thistle. It was inspiring.

To update DH told me he married me because he "knew" I could "handle" things on my own. Not to say I can't let him know what is happening but that he trusts my judgement when he is away llike he has been these last few weeks. I am honestly used to handling a lot on my own beucase that is the way most of my life has been spent. I moved in and out of my parents from age 18 until 20 from then on I was pretty much on my own.

He told me he appreciated me telling him about it once he had a free moment though. He held me and just let me cry for a while. He's ALWAYS been VERY supportive. Now that it's been a few days I really feel I handled it correctly. I appreciate all the questions that have been posed to me in this situation. I have written them down and plan to use them as a checklist for any issues that come up down the road. ((((((Hugs)))))

[MamaHippo]

I am interested in applying this concept in my marriage. Does anyone have some wisdom and scripture for me?

thanks!

Lisa

[afishwithabike]

The best place to start is in Ephesians. Then off to Peter and Timothy. There are some great books for believers on the topic as well. My favorite is One Flesh by Bob Yandian. You can learn a lot as well by hanging out here and reading as well as posting when necessary.

[afishwithabike]

bumping thread. Gotta keep it on the first page so folks know we're here.

[lilyka]

Ah, I read something yesterday that I thought I would share. A woman was talking about that phenomenon of when you bring up submitting and then someone says (and it always happens) "but what if he asked you to do <insert horrible awful thing here> . . . " She went on to talk about the way submitting was aboput more than the individul deeds, more than the sum of our refusals or failures or "can'ts" but a heart attituide of willfully putting yourself under the athourity of someone else. of course it's not really in your heart unless it is backed up with action but occaisionally struggling and occaisionally not being able to submit does not mean you don't submit. I don't know if I am communicating this very well but it really encouraged me. I hate that questions. i always feel like people are missing the point when they ask. At the same time it makes me question myself and I hate that. but if I do fail it doesn't make me less submissive so long as my heart is submitted in the long run.

[afishwithabike]

I understand what you mean I think.

Yeah, you're right it's usually some off the wall thing that would NEVER happen as long as you weren't drugged when you agreed to marry your DH.

Which incidentally I was on meds when DH and I agreed to marry. I was having severe issues with my tonsils as well as reactions to the hormone therapy they had me on for recurring cysts. We joke about it every now and again.

Back to the topic at hand. I usually liken submission to a vehicle. When the wheels aren't aligned the whole vehicle wobbles, shakes and you have to drive with the steering wheel crooked in order to go straight.

Same with your marriage if you aren't willfully aligned you have to do things crookedly in order to keep on a forward path.

[DebraBaker]

Lilyka,

I'm praying for you.

I believe you deserve respect and dignity.

I think there is always give and take in a relationship. When one spouse is constantly giving and the other taking, there is not balance or health.

If one is always considering the needs of the other without any recroprocity, it isn't healthy.

I will be praying for you because you are on my heart.

Debra Baker

[afishwithabike]

If one is always considering the needs of the other without any recroprocity, it isn't healthy.

I do agree Debra. My Dh and I have discussed this before. We hear the couples that say "We don't argue". Either they are lying or somebody is giving in to EVERYTHING. Disputes don't bother me. It's when we can't come to an agreement after the debat that can get me upset at times. That's when I try my best to make sure I am NOT the one being selfish. Then we go from there.

[DebraBaker]

Agreed.

It took a long time for dh and me to learn how to communicate.

We still have glitches.

For example, dh wants me to email him. I don't do that email with information thing. I email to socialize, not communicate important stuff.

Well, I had a conversation with dh explaining I had scheduled the van to be inspected and I needed him to carpool with Jo (Jo works in dh's office.) He said he'd likely work things out with Jo.

So.....Monday comes around and we must drop the van off and I ask about him riding with Jo and he acts like it was news to him.....because I didn't email him.....!!!!

He thinks differently from me and, as such, I need to work a bit harder to communicate with me.

On the other side of the equation, I have been known to delete his emails

[afishwithabike]

I can't imagine communicating with Dh through E-mails. He'd NEVER see them. I am the one that checks his e-mails. The only time he does it is when I tell him to because I have let one of the DC e-mail Daddy. He is a student father that works 60+ hours a week. (for those that don't know) I agree tath communicaton can be the biggest issue among couples. DH and I have had the "what you didn't tell me about that" situation many times. Once he forgot to tell me somebody was giving us a rocking armchair. I got the call that they were going to deliver it and had no clue where to put it because I didn't have time to plan for the thing. Conversely Dh is good at not hearing me. HE "I didn't know we were going ther today". ME "Yeah, I told you three weeks ago. You told me it was fine". HE "Oh sorry"

It's an issue as old as time.

[afishwithabike]

I tried telling DH three times lastnight what our "resurrection" plans were, because he asked. He got the location wrong three times. I'll likely have to just tell him where to go once we're in the car.

[DebraBaker]

Or, better yet, take the wheel yourself.

db

[lilyka]

for things like this a good non-nagging way to handle it is write down a reminder for yourself and hanging it on the fridge/bathrom miror. You will have something to grab when it is is time to go ("honey, I grabbed the directions/address. did you want it or should I just hold on to it . . . " ), he will have a written reminder and since itis for your benifit it won't be nagging or babying.

and at least he is asking. So what if you have to repeat your a hundred times. I think people get frustrated wiuth that because we have been conditioned to believe it is such a big deal. If we just start accepting that it is not (I have to hear things several times before I remember them - instructions on the fridge being for me - not such a stretch) theni t won't be. it wil just be part of our ministry to our dh and how they process information.

[afishwithabike]

The note thing woul dmake him feel like he was a child. He really HATES that. I even asked him about it. He told me just to remind him in the car. I'd take the wheel but he likes driving waay more than I do. I used to commute over an hour one way to work every day and I enjoy NOT having to do that anymore.