When the relationship is unhealthy, and you are attempting to submit to it, you are making yourself sick too Lilyka
please get some help on your own...for yourself. This just can't go on. I am truly saying this with the best intentions and a lot of care.
Submission is fine, if the person you're submitting to is on your level...but this is not the case with you.
This submission thing is simply making you feel guilty for not fulfilling an impossible task. It's so futile and unfair. I hate to see you blaming yourself for having natural emotions. No wonder they pop out at inapropriate times, how can they not when you work so hard to bottle them up? If they didn't pop out at least once in a while, you would lose it. And if you keep fighting to suppress them, you can become very, very ill. I'm worried for you and I care.
This man is not deserving of your submission at this point in his life.