DH doesn't want to attend birth

[MamaTaraX]

I'll try to keep this short, sitting makes me have contractions.
My DH wasn't totally keen on having a homebirth originally, but now he's okay with it. Except for one thing: Now he doesn't want to be here. He wanted to go up to his parents house and hang out with them while I Labored (they live next door) but he wanted to catch the baby and I didn't think that was a great idea. I've talked him into at least staying in the house, just not wherever I am. I'm afraid he will change his mind about catching the baby if he's not part of the labor though. He's okay with me or the midwife catching, but I'd realy like him to do it again. HE caught our second son and now encourages other daddies and partners to catch their babies. I think he still has some worries about having the baby at home. I really want him to be there, but I'd never force him to be part of the labor or birth itself. But I really want him to catch again

Has anyone had a DH not attend their birth? HOw did you feel about it afterwards? How did he?

Namaste, Tara

[Satori]

I'm not sure I understand something, he wants to abandon you during your time of greatest need then show up to "save the day"? I'd tell him the 1950's are over, he helped create this baby and he's going to help you bring it into this world. I'd have a few other choice words too but i'll keep those to myself.

[ared1]

It would hurt my feelings terribly if my husband didn't want to be at the birth. He wasn't sure he could handle it. I told him my thoughts and feelings about him being there and in the end he decided to go with it. I am not sure how much good it would do to force him though. I know it makes me more resistant to any idea, even a good one if someone says you have to.

[alegna]

Wow. that wouldn't fly with me. My dh was my main support. I have to be there, so he has to be there. nope. un uh. No wussin' out.

-Angela

[maybebaby]

I agree, that wouldn't be acceptable to me...

Has he said why he doesn't want to be there? Would he "be there" if you were going to the hospital? I'd say he definitely needs to tell you his reasoning for not wanting to be at the birth and he needs to work through his fears.

To be honest, if my dh did that, it really would have an effect on our relationship. In a big way I think. And I do believe he'd regret it at some point...

Good luck!!

[Snowdrift]

My DH is also not planning on fully participating in the birth. We arent' sure to what extent he will involved, sinc ethis is our ifrst and we're not making any rules in advance, but the presumption is he will be in the house or nearby, but his mother and the midwives will be with me.

Our thinking is that the whole dad not being around for the birth is not just a 1950's thing, but a longstanding tradition in many cultures. We feel that birth is a very womanly event, something to be passed from generation to generation between women. Men seem to tend to start out very nervous about the whole thing. We just don't want our birth to be about him trying to figure out what to do and how to help. We don't want him getting grossed out and we don't want to spent a couple of months training him to be a support person/coach. He knows how to support me as a person, but he will never really know what labor and birth is likwe and so why compel him to try.

Also, Michael Odent has expressed concerns about the trend of having men participate. He says that women tend to try to take care of their husbands to much by not losign themselves in their labor and that many times a 'stalled labor' can, in his opinion, be attributed tot eh insistence that the man be present throughout.

DH will be around, but the birth participants are myself, the midwife, her apprentice, my MIL, and DH's young cousin who is interested in birth.

Really I can't comment on your situation--I dont' even have any children yet! But perhaps our approach can be a different perspective for you to consider. It seems that in nearly every thread where a woman is concerned aobut having her less-than-fully-comforting and supportive mom or MIL or whoever, she is advised against having them present. If we recognize that the presence of someone who is intimidated, unwilling, or for some other reason is not fully emotionally supportive can cause problems at a birth, perhaps we should also consider that there may be a time when the father may also hamper the process.

[Hollin]

Aww I'm so sorry you're in this situation, Tara. This is your birth and he should respect your wishes. I would remind him that you're giving him an amazing gift by growing and birthing his child and for a "thank you" you want his love, support, and physical presence during labor. Also tell him how important his attendance is to both your relationship with him and his relationship with the new baby.

I would also try to find out more about why he doesn't want to be there. Is he worried about grossness? You yelling at him? Something going wrong? Did something bother him about the last birth? Maybe if you can alleviate his fears he'd be more interested in attending.

I'm surprised, too, that he doesn't want to be a better role model for his sons. He has a wonderful chance to show them about how to be a great husband/partner and I wouldn't want to pass that up if I were him.

[mamato3cherubs]

Originally Posted by maybebaby

I agree, that wouldn't be acceptable to me...

Has he said why he doesn't want to be there? Would he "be there" if you were going to the hospital? I'd say he definitely needs to tell you his reasoning for not wanting to be at the birth and he needs to work through his fears.

To be honest, if my dh did that, it really would have an effect on our relationship. In a big way I think. And I do believe he'd regret it at some point...

Good luck!!

:
My Dh was nervous when drake ws born(his first experience with birth) so I opted to have his mother there to help him feel more secure and like he had someone to fall back on, and I didnt have expectations of him as far as labor coaching or support goes, I had my mom for that. But he was present and would have been like it or not.

Sounds to me like he just doesnt wasnt to deal with the tough parts. hmmmm

[MidwifeErika]

I would try to work through things with him and dig deeper to find out why he feels the way he does. If he isn't going to be there, can you get a doula or some other support person for you for the tough part of laboring? It is sad that he doesn't want to be with you and helping you, but forcing him would be a bad idea as forced attendents make bad attendants.

When my husband and I discussed homebirth for the first time (our 2nd kiddo) my husband expressed that he didn't really want to be there. As we dug we realized it was only because he was scared. Well, damn it, I was a little scared too.... more scared at the idea of him not being there for me. Once he realized why he didn't want to be there, it took him nothing to overcome it. We talked about the safety of homebirth vs. hospitals, what would be expected out of him, what would happen, etc. He became very comfortable with it and now wouldn't dream of us birthing anyother way.

On the otherhand, my husband goes about doing his own thing while I am in early labor and doesn't really pay any attention to me until I am almost to transition. He isn't a very emotional person though and I think he has a hard time finding a way to support me. It worked out great for our homebirth though, most early labor was while he slept and then I woke him to start filling the birth tub and make me some food. That kept him in a busy support role that he was comfortable with. Once I climbed into the tub, he knew his only job was to sit next to me and hold my hand and be quiet during contractions. He did great and we both felt veyr good about his involvment.

Could it be that your husband just doesn't know how to support you best? Is he afraid of failing so he would rather just opt out? Is he afraid that he just won't know what to do? Or maybe even that he is so sensitive that he doesn't want to stall your labor by hanging around while you try to work so hard? Ask him some questions and try to figure out what is at the root. I wish you lots of luck and a wonderful birth!

[Attila the Honey]

It wouldn't be acceptable to me. It's just not an option in my world, as harsh as that sounds. As maybebaby said, I believe it'd have a negative effect on our relationship.

I needed him there, and I can't imagine going through something so huge and life changing without him. (also, do you realize how often he and I still talk about that experience? Not daily, but often enough, and I am so glad I can talk to him about it and hear the story from his perspective. Otherwise I might have to call the doula and ask her to tell me about it again. )

[Mom2Adam]

I really like everything tie-dyed had to say! My DH will be there - but I really don't want huge involvement...I labored mostly by myself with DS (that is what I wanted!) and am fine with doing that this time too.

I wonder if your DH could be kept busy with things...for example - we are having a water birth and we anticipate DH's big job will be to keep the water hot. Seems small - but it is a big thing, he is there "with" me and yet is kept busy.

Best wishes for working out something you both are comfortable with!

[lisac77]

My husband is not from the US, and where he is from it IS like the 1950's here - the men are simply not involved in the birth process. He was very uncomfortable being present while I was giving birth. I was worried abut it for a while, but then I realized that if I pushed him to be there when he really didn't want to, how would he react when he was there? I think he only would have been half-involved, and the other half of him would be wishing that he wasn't there.

I had my son in the hospital, and my DH waited in the waiting room. My mother stayed with me every minute during my labor. I had a great birth, DH came in right after DS was born. DH was happy, I was happy, and the birth went fine. This is not to say that you shouldn't ask your DH to stay if you really want him there, but ultimately you can't control his decision.

[darkstar]

I would be so enraged if my DP wasent there for our childrens births. It was very important that he was there for me...Even if he said or did nothing, his existence there was very important. I canot believe that one owuld want to miss such an awsome event in your life. I think that he would later regret this decision. Was he there for your other childrenss births? I hope you get through this

darkstar

[JanetF]

That sounds like passive-aggressive behaviour to me. "I didn't want you to do this, you're doing it anyway, I'm going to protest without naming my real reasons." He needs to work on his issues because as someone else said, if it was in a hospy he'd be there so why not at home? It wouldn't be acceptable to me unless it was my choice. I did say to my DP at the start of this pregnancy that if he didn't pull his finger out and do sufficient study this time, he needn't bother coming to my birth. I think your dh needs to really talk about what's truly going on. How do you explain in future years to that child? "Yeah daddy didn't want to be here for your birth but he was there for your siblings..." Doesn't sound good! You don't deserve this stress, you're way too cool

[Peppamint]

Hi Tara,

Just to make sure I understand... he caught your second baby in a hospital birth, but doesn't want to even be present for your homebirth?

I'm sure I'd feel pretty hurt. Can you find a compromise of some sort? It might be that this time he needs to be less involved if he's so out of his comfort zone. Present but not participating. Can you handle that or do you really want/need his support?

TBH, my dh doesn't want to be really involved in birth either. He wants to be present, but not necessary right in the throes of things. This works for me though, because I mostly just want everyone to leave me alone to labor.

And you know, my dh was so unsure about homebirth. He went along with it, but it was my thing. Now, he's totally all about homebirth and thinks it's wonderful. He can't imagine going back to the hospital to birth anymore than I can!

[MamaTaraX]

I've always believed that we ask a lot of men at births. Traditionally, they aren't there. THey weren't here with women in the US for a very long time, until the 60s/70s really. So that doesn't really bother me. He's been at both previous births, one hospital, one birth centre. He participated in the first birth via help from our doula. She'd give him ideas and things to do, and he'd do them. FOr the second one, he was there but it was hard for him to be there and watch me, doing this again. I understand and respect that. It would be hard for me to watch him do it most likely. I had two midwives at that birth, although for the most part, nobody was with me, I was just in my own world, which is what I wanted that time around when the time was happening. The midwife for whom our son is named came around from time to time and disappeared elsewhere, taking a nap with my then-4-yr-old. My oldest was there at that birth, watched his Daddy catch his little brother...so there's no question abot him being a role model about birth I don't think he's trying to be mean or passive-agressive or whatever and I have been trying to work with him through whatever it is that is keeping him from wanting to be with me all the way. I will have my midwife, a friend, and a doula here, so I won't be alone. He is happy about that. With the extra support, it relieves him of having to be support if he doens't want to be at the time, and that is okay with me as well. That's why the other people will be there. Really, I just think he will regret it if he's not there for more than just the catching. He caught the last one and I think that if he relies on waiting for me to feel pushy to show up, he's goingto miss it. He wants to catch, but he doesn't want to be there to watch me moan and cry and whatever else I do. I can understand that it's hard for him to see. I watch Daddies at births all the time. They default to me, a lot.

I hope you all don't think my DH is some kind of horrid person just because he's unsure about being part of one of his children's births. I know it's hard on him to see the woman he loves in pain, out of control at times, and to be unable to "save" me. He's not a bad guy at all. He's supportive of our homebirth now and I bet you in a few weeks, when it's all over, he'll be singing the glories of it. In fact, I poisted not too long ago about just that -- he thinks homebirth is awesome, for everyone but me. He just worries about me. He thinks babis should be born at home, with or without a midwife....he just worries about me doing it, because he loves me and I can't fault him for that

Namaste, Tara

[heathenmom]

DH was present for our first birth (hospital), but he was so freaked out by the intensity and (I'll say it!) pain I was in that he was no help at all. I'm determined to have any future babies at home (which he supports 100%) but, to be perfectly honest, I'd rather labor with a couple of very close girlfriends and have dh spend the time with *his* support people. I don't quite know how to tell him that without hurting his feelings, but I'll figure out a way before the time comes (considering we're FAR from ttc #2!).

I hope you can work things out to BOTH your satisfaction.

[txgal]

ITA with Tiedye, I don't think you should force anyone to be there that doesn't want to be and I don't think he is a bad guy for it. It is hard to watch the person you love in pain and not be able to do anything to make it go away. I would let him do what he feels comfortable with, he may surprise you in the end.

[UmmBnB]

Ummm, nope, no way, out of the question. Someone needs to come to terms with whatever is troubling him about this NOW so that he can be there for YOU.

[Persephone]

I also agree with not forcing someone to be there who doesn't want to be. But, I think you two need to have a serious heart to heart about this too. How important is it that he's there? Why doesn't he want to be there? Is there any way you two can compromise?

You know I don't think your dh is a bad guy, I like him quite a lot, actually. But, you two need to get on the same page, and SOON. You're gonna have that baby any time now!

Dh was nervous about the blood at first, and we talked about it... I told him he didn't have to watch, or catch, but I really needed him there for support. He's gonna be my primary support, and I can't imagine giving birth without him there, and if he decided to change plans now, with so little time left, there would be some SERIOUS talking.

It sounds like you don't know what you want... are you ok with him not being there, or are you sad about it? Figure out what you want, present it to him, and work out a compromise. And do it fast, before that baby falls out of you!