DH doesn't want to attend birth - Page 3

[MamaTaraX]

He talks about it alittle more each day. I talked to him about my SPD post and how every single reply was about a fast labor. his big fear, bigger than me dying even, is that no one will be here but him. I had him talked into UCing in the beginning, but UCing surrounded by friends. So we hired a midwife. And now his big thing is that she won't make it and he won't "know" what to do. I have educated him on birth so much that I bet he could do anything in his sleep. I think he's more worried that he'll be here with me and it will be too intense. I've envisioned this as a rather fast labor from the beginning (all my dreams its 6 hours start to finish at most). Now he talks about being at the birth though, just kind of "being around", hiding out in a corner or wherever. Maybe not holding me up or wiping my forehead or anything like that, but at least being in the vicinity and he acknowledges his fears and how he does, and yet does not, wantt o catch the baby. He feelsl ike some of you do, that if he's not here for the labor he shouldn't be here to catch the baby, and I'm actually sad he feels that way as I know how much catching meant to him last time. Time will tell, and not much of it at that, what will happen. Having a contraction now actually

Namaste, Tara

[PancakeGoddess]

I think this thread is really interesting. I hope you find a solution, Tara.

My main thought with all of this is that if a MOM had this many fears about birth, despite all the evidence of its safety (even previous births!), I bet a lot of us would recommend a little counseling or something. Hope I'm not stepping over any lines, but he isn't really dealing in reality with these fears. I'm not judging - I have lots of my own irrational anxiety, but it doesn't go away just from talking and reasoning.

Hugs to ya, Tara.

[Rmeg]

So what your DH is really feeling is afraid. Is there any way you can say to him that he needs to go and deal with this? You shouldn't have to worry about his feelings in labour - you will need all of your strength to deal with what is going on for you. I would also be concerned that this stuff might affect your ability to progress in labour, because you don't have the proper support.

A friend of mine, who has three boys, has a DH who just hated to be present during the births. He was there for the first, "accidentally" missed the second, and finally admitted before the third that he just didn't want to be present. She gave birth in hospital each time and said the support of the hospital midwives and obstetrician was enough for her.

I don't know if you have any experience of homoeopathy or flower remedies, but there are several that might help for his fear and anxieties.

[Persephone]

If my dh told me that his main reasoning for not wanting to UC was that he didn't know what to do, I'd remind him that he doesn't really have to DO anything, me and my body are the ones giving birth, I just want him there for the company.

[AnditheBee]

Originally Posted by MamaTaraX

his big fear, bigger than me dying even, is that no one will be here but him. I had him talked into UCing in the beginning, but UCing surrounded by friends. So we hired a midwife. And now his big thing is that she won't make it and he won't "know" what to do.

The midwife we hired says she will give us a "short course" in delivery in case we have to do it on our own. Perhaps yours would do the same for your husband? He should probably read up in some good books or over on the UC forum here, as well, if he wants to know what to do. My husband would be calmed by having more knowledge and preparation--hopefully the same will work for yours. Best of luck to both of you.