the grieving process

[thorn]

My mother died 6 weeks ago after a 17 year battle with cancer.

She was first diagnosed with cancer in 1988 – breast cancer. She had surgery (lumpectomy) and radiation. The next year she had her uterus/tubes/ovaries/cervix removed because of precancerous tissue.

It was pretty quiet after that, other than routine scans and some biopsies, until 1996 when she developed breast cancer in the other breast. She had a double radical mastectomy at that time. Then in 1997 she had a mole removed that turned out to be malignant melanoma.

In 2000 she had two renal-cell carcinomas removed from her left kidney. In 2002 she had two non-malignant tumors removed from the frontal lobe of her brain. Last year the melanoma metastasized to a lymph node in her chest and she went through 8 months of Interferon therapy to try and prevent it from going to her brain. It was supposed to be a year of therapy but she lost so much weight and had every side effect in the book from the Interferon (which is normally supposedly an "easier" chemo) and was hospitalized when I was 25 wks pregnant with my dd for dehydration and she was down to 104 pounds.

After all that, the chemo didn’t even work. At the end of August she was admitted to the ER with confusion/disorientation and an MRI revealed three melanoma tumors in her brain, one of which was bleeding. The doctors only gave her days to live actually, but she was a true fighter and has hung on for 11 more weeks.

I am originally from Detroit. I left there four years ago and moved to Atlanta to be with DH. So when I found out her death was imminent we immediately all flew up there. I stayed up there with my daughter for the entire 11 weeks - only coming home twice for 4-6 days. I had to put her in an assisted care facility b/c I'm an only child (my father passed away 10 years ago) and I couldn't care for her how she needed to be, and also care for my daughter and deal with taking care of all my mom's things like donating her stuff, selling her place, etc.

She died Nov. 6th and we finally returned home the day after my dd's first birthday. It has been a huge adjustment for us all trying to get used to being all together again, and it is Christmas time, and I am so up and down and up again... I have started seeing a counselor for grief counselling. It is so hard for me to deal with the well-meaning comments and listening to other people's problems when I feel like my whole world is a little off-kilter.

Anyway I could go on and on but if anyone even made it this far, thanks for reading...

[mama4gals]

Oh, hon, my heart goes out to you. My mother died November 3 after battling Parkinson's Disease for 25 years. She was 76. This past year she had developed dementia. I have been through several stages of grief since she died. At first I was okay with it, because I had been very prepared for it. It was no sudden thing. Then I got socked with the deepest feelings of sorrow I had ever felt. I had no desire to do anything for Christmas, but I have 4 girls, and you can't just check out of Christmas. I am Catholic, and I have spent Advent doing a lot of Scripture reading and commentary, and really praying and preparing for the celebration of Jesus's birth. Then starting this past Sunday, I just began the preparations for Christmas. I knew I had to. And I feel better because I have gotten so much done. I can really feel my mother helping me out here, because I was such a basket case. I have really been taken by surprise at the way the grief has hit me. The finality of death hits me like a wave and knocks me off my feet sometimes. I cry at the drop of a hat, but usually late at night when I'm alone and everyone's gone to bed.

I have felt so supported by everyone, people I know and people I don't know. I'm sorry you have received so many insensitive comments. That has not been the case for me at all. Please know that I really sympathize with you, and please feel free to let it all out here. You can pm me if you like. We're going to visit fam in MD for a couple days at Christmas, so I may not be on MDC as much as usual, but I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Liz

[Anuska]

Thorn, I'm so sorry about your mother. An extended illness is so draining and stressful for everyone. I'm glad you got to see her though before she died.

You are now beginning the process of grieving. Its a difficult journey with many emotions attached. You will often feel so alone. I'm glad you're getting grief counseling. The emptiness is often hard to bear and the reality of your mother really being gone, but in time you will start to return to "normal" life. If often takes years, but the rawness you feel now eventually will pass into a acceptance.

[SunShineSally]

Hello!

I just wanted to send you a Mama I am so sorry.

Karen and Baby Joe

[applejuice]

s

My Father died November 6, 2000, the day before the election.

I would have loved to discuss the ensuing craziness that the election and news was about in the month after with him, but he was gone. My DH took me out to dinner after seeing him...

Anyway, my DH then died less than three years later. Life goes on. I have not had grief counseling, but doing things and "talking" to him and my children has helped.

[moonrosebud]

my heart goes out

I am so sorry to hear your story. The world will never be the same place.

I wish you the most comfort that you can find from the love you have for your mom, and for the love she had for you. In this way, you will always have her, and she you.

xx

[thorn]

I had a really disturbing dream last night... I was in a nursing home (not the one she was in, but you know how dreams are) and she was there. She looked how I remember her from childhood, not when she was sick.

Anyway she was UP and talking to me, but she was dead. It was like in a horror movie where the person doesn't realize the person is dead and rotting (was that the Shining? when he is kissing the 'beautiful' girl?) so my mom is talking to me and I'm telling her "you're dead! go lay down, because you are dead!" and then I said something like "you look really good for being dead though" and my husband said "yeah except for all that green mossy stuff on her!" and then when I looked again she was covered in nasty green yuck.

I didn't even freak out though, I just kept saying "go lay down! you are dead!! go LAY DOWN!"

so, that was my very odd dream last night.

[lisamarie]

Thorn~

I am so sorry There is a group of us "Moms without Moms" tribe over at FYT: http://69.20.14.30/discussions/showthread.php?t=201095 that you might find helpful. I know for me, after loosing my Mom, it was good to talk with other Moms who were in the same situation as I was. I felt "too young" to loose to my Mom. My Mother was only 68 years old and she LOVED being a grandmother. Sometimes, it still seems so unreal to me and its been a little over a year.

Good for you for seeking grief counseling. I know for myself, it has helped in the past. Please also know that you can write and share here and we will listen and ride this grief rollercoaster ride with you.

Much Love & Hugs~

Lisa