Originally Posted by geekgolightly
i dont know what you guys mean about "every little thing" do you mean when seth gets out of the bathtub and i priasehim for getting out fo the bathtub then thats overdone? well WHO would do that??? the thing is, i was never priased for anything ever. i was never even told, i love you growing up. once. hard to beleive? thats not half of it.
im going to tell seth that he did an excellent job when he picks up his toy or when he starts to help or when he falls down and is scared to try again and does it anyways. if thats too much praising according to you, have me arrested.
i also tell him that he shouldnt pee on the floor when he does. is that bad too?
the whole thing about avoiding praise and reprimanding is patently absurd, IMO. you end up with feral children who do not know how to navigate in this life. both my husband and myself were raised in this fashion... me because my parents truly didn't give a damn, and my husband because they were of the experimental psychology set of the 70's which said that each child should be his own navigator. we both ened up flailing around in our adult lives with NO CLUE how to behave.
There is a difference between praise and positive feedback. Most of us who don't praise (or don't praise much) DO constantly give feedback- tell dc how their actions affect others, etc. "thanks for helping me pick up your toys. It makes it go faster, and now we can do something else" or "Hey! You built that tower up really high!" We just don't *evaluate* what dc do. "You did a good job helping"
And, I'd bet that just about every mom here constantly shows love, affection, and appreciation to her dc. Without praising. I want ds to know that I love him for HIM, not what he *does*. kwim? And I don't love him less if he decided to NOT help me clean.
I also don't praise because, I trust that he is able to judge for himself what he wants to do or not. What's worth doing or not. He knows if stacking the blocks up is a worthwhile thing to do, to him. He knows if he wants to help clean up toys or not (almost always does). I let him know how his actions affect others (in the case of helping me clean, say).
I sit and play blocks with him, and he builds. Honestly, he has fun doing it, and never looks to me to see if I approve of what he's doing or not. He has uninhibited fun. He's doing it for himself. Sometimes, if he stacks a lot, I might say that.
As far as not guiding, I guide him plenty. Like I said, I tell him how his actions affect others. I tell him what is socially acceptable, and what isn't- matter of factly. I don't reprimand, or shame, or yell. I do tell him not to pee on the floor "The floor's not where we pee. We pee in the potty, or you can pee in your diaper." (obviously not *expecting* it yet) Giving information about how the world works.
He chooses to do the socially acceptable thing, most of the time. Without praise or reprimanding from me. Just feedback and information.
And trust me, the boy knows he's loved